When it’s just me and the bottle.
When the really real world is outside and I hear about it later on the news.
When I am drinking because I don’t have to, or need to, but because I have nothing else to do.
Idle hands and all that mess….
When the really real world is outside, and I am in here….
All by myself.
It is quiet on the outside.
I am sure that life keeps going on out there, but I can’t hear anything in here.
I am looking at a ceiling fan, doing what it does.
I guess I am a ceiling fan, when I think about it.
I keep spinning….
Only one purpose served….
I always come back to my center…then pass by.
Is it bad to be an alcoholic?
There are some perks…I guess.
There is no reality here in the dark part of day time.
There is me….my bottle……..and the ticket.
“I don’t like this ride mommy, I want to get off”
“This isn’t a ride silly goose”
It is who I am…..
It is what I have become.
….what I have created.
The monster lives….
I have been sober for a long time.
It was just yesterday.
Now, I’m not.
Did I cause this?
Have I been destined to repeat a scene where the script demands improvisation on a really real world stage?
Am I an actor?
Am I a character actor in mine own comedy, tragedy or situation?
There is no one here with me….
Only the ghosts can be relied on….
Only the memories….
Skeletons in my closet sing an a-capella.
I have only the bottle to blame.
I will not blame myself.
I cannot blame myself because I am not to blame.
I am only a flawed man that has no flaws.
I drop into the abyss of the bottle expecting the bottom….
There is none.
I am not quite drunk yet…..but I will be soon.
The fan is spinning.
Am I sad about this?
Not at this moment….
The bottle lies and tells me things.
This is why I started my blog in the first place.
To walk this dark path and tell you what I see.
Where I have been before.
I see where I’ve traveled.
I can’t seem to stop.
I’ve been this way before.
I don’t know what happened.
All I know is that I am drunk again and I don’t know why.
But, I want to share this with you and let you know that I am aware of what is happening to me at this moment.
I have fallen from the blue sky.
The sun is shining outside in the really real world.
I am not outside….
I am in here, by myself, listening to the sun shine on other people.
I have turned the lights off in here.
I want to share this with you before I can’t put together a coherent thought.
I want to share what thoughts I might have before I leave the light and go to the bad places.
They are coming….
I know it.
They always show up…..inevitable.
I know what I am doing, but I can’t stop now.
It has begun….
….and I have no fucking idea how or why.
One second I was watching YouTube videos, the next…..?
I am sorry that I have let you guys down….
It’s what we do.
I’ve been sober for over a year….
I’m not anymore.
I just opened another beer.
I’m traveling to that place where the really real world doesn’t exist.
I am painting my mind with alcohol.
It is a good place.
It is a happy place.
It’s not here…..It’s not….there.
I will start thinking about my life, then weep.
I will listen to sad songs, then cry.
I will call everybody I know and tell them how much I love them.
They will hear my slurred ‘speesh….”
They will know that it’s ‘just’ Trey calling….
It is dark in the light thru an amber glass….
I feel myself losing interest in this post.
My thoughts are scattered.
I am spinning now…..
I am slipping away from the really real world.
I don’t give a shit what nobody thinks right now.
[I see, but I don’t]
I know it’s happening again.
I can feel it happening…
I can’t stop it.
That’s the really real part.
I’m so sorry.
But…..I can’t help it………………