In the times where I just sit….
When it’s just me and the bottle.
When the really real world is outside and I hear about it later on the news.
When I am drinking because I don’t have to, or need to, but because I have nothing else to do.
Idle hands and all that mess….
When the really real world is outside, and I am in here….
All by myself.
It is quiet on the outside.
I am sure that life keeps going on out there, but I can’t hear anything in here.
I am looking at a ceiling fan, doing what it does.
I guess I am a ceiling fan, when I think about it.
I keep spinning….
Only one purpose served….
I always come back to my center…then pass by.
Is it bad to be an alcoholic?
There are some perks…I guess.
There is no reality here in the dark part of day time.
There is me….my bottle……..and the ticket.
“I don’t like this ride mommy, I want to get off”
“This isn’t a ride silly goose”
It is who I am…..
It is what I have become.
….what I have created.
The monster lives….
I have been sober for a long time.
It was just yesterday.
Now, I’m not.
Did I cause this?
Have I been destined to repeat a scene where the script demands improvisation on a really real world stage?
Am I an actor?
Am I a character actor in mine own comedy, tragedy or situation?
There is no one here with me….
Only the ghosts can be relied on….
Only the memories….
Skeletons in my closet sing an a-capella.
I have only the bottle to blame.
I will not blame myself.
I cannot blame myself because I am not to blame.
I am only a flawed man that has no flaws.
I drop into the abyss of the bottle expecting the bottom….
There is none.
I am not quite drunk yet…..but I will be soon.
The fan is spinning.
Am I sad about this?
Not at this moment….
The bottle lies and tells me things.
This is why I started my blog in the first place.
To walk this dark path and tell you what I see.
Where I have been before.
I see where I’ve traveled.
I can’t seem to stop.
I’ve been this way before.
I don’t know what happened.
All I know is that I am drunk again and I don’t know why.
But, I want to share this with you and let you know that I am aware of what is happening to me at this moment.
I have fallen from the blue sky.
The sun is shining outside in the really real world.
I am not outside….
I am in here, by myself, listening to the sun shine on other people.
I have turned the lights off in here.
I want to share this with you before I can’t put together a coherent thought.
I want to share what thoughts I might have before I leave the light and go to the bad places.
They are coming….
I know it.
They always show up…..inevitable.
I know what I am doing, but I can’t stop now.
It has begun….
….and I have no fucking idea how or why.
One second I was watching YouTube videos, the next…..?
I am sorry that I have let you guys down….
But, we alcoholics are used to that.
It’s what we do.
I’ve been sober for over a year….
I’m not anymore.
I just opened another beer.
I’m traveling to that place where the really real world doesn’t exist.
I am painting my mind with alcohol.
It is a good place.
It is a happy place.
It’s not here…..It’s not….there.
I will start thinking about my life, then weep.
I will listen to sad songs, then cry.
I will call everybody I know and tell them how much I love them.
They will hear my slurred ‘speesh….”
They will know that it’s ‘just’ Trey calling….
It is dark in the light thru an amber glass….
I feel myself losing interest in this post.
My thoughts are scattered.
I am spinning now…..
I am slipping away from the really real world.
I don’t give a shit what nobody thinks right now.
[I see, but I don’t]
I know it’s happening again.
I can feel it happening…
I can’t stop it.
That’s the really real part.
I’m so sorry.
But…..I can’t help it………………
22 thoughts on “Fallen”
You were OK yesterday. You can be OK again tomorrow. No use beating yourself up for what’s been done. Every reason for not doing it again.
You my yankee brother….I depend on.
email@example.com. If you need more. Glad to.
One day, when I get thru Syracuse. I would love to help you cut our grass right….
Let me know when you’re truckin’ through, my friend. Diamonds on the front lawn will await in the summer.
Get a Braves pattern….
There’s no good teams in NYC
Why I oughta chop you in the muttons for that one …
You okay now? You are scaring me dude. Get on the ole chat on FB and we can talk, and it won’t be a whole bunch of flowers and shit, well maybe some shit. I am turning off the stupid Welfare phone I have now because they won’t fix the damn phone so I can talk more than 10 minutes without charging me, so I will send you a new number. Talk to me, or whoever. But, something I am always told, failure leads to building blocks for the mountain. We can’t climb the mountain without some steps, too damn hard. We have to break some stone here and there. I know, dumb, but I remember it most.
Peace & Love
P.S. Quit looking at stupid ceiling fans. You sound like Hemmingway or something.
Why do you make me feel better in a condescending I love you kinda way?
I just felt like……..you know?
You mean… in a smartass sarcastic way? Yeah, I get that all the time. If you didn’t read any of my FB posts yesterday, some dumb bus driver decided to tell my mum I needed to loose some weight, not me. Mum told him off, but I am sure she was way too easy on him. The reason he didn’t approach me, well, the same reason most people don’t bitch to me, I will sincerely give them the finger and walk away. She ended up telling him my friggin’ life story (the short version of course), and then told him he was rude. I would have just committed assault on his ass, called my attorney & judge friends, and then waited till a cop came. Oh, I would have had mom walk the dog in the meantime, as it would be a couple hours before I got home again. Anyway, I come off rather super confident but not arrogant, or at least that is what I am told.
I do love you bro’, and I know you try hard each and every day to be a good man. Shit happens, and in your job, it happens a lot more often. By the way, when was your last down time, serious down time?
Me good woman type person….
Oh, I see, you only like good women. Women who walk around in aprons in the kitchen (and clothing underneath, gutter brains), being nice all the time, tons of rug rats, no fucking swear words…sounds really boring to me. See ya……..
I yam…what I yam….
I dig hot mamas in aprons now that you bring it up!
You are so silly. I know your weaknesses. You see, I am more than a mere blogger on WP and FB. I see all…ok, my imagination is done for the day. Whew! Well, and I just saw the best LIVE looking dude walk past my door a few minutes ago. Don’t see many of them live dudes at Wal-Mart, and the Internet versions only go so far.
Peace & Love at ya’
So, you slipped. Seven times down, eight times up. Call your sponsor. Get back with the program. I have spoken. I’m praying you back to sobriety.
How’s the leg?
I’m between hobbling and shuffling, trying to keep those stitches in place and remembering when I take the antibiotics. Thank you for asking.
It was only a “fallen” day…not a F..A..L..L..E..N day.
The wife is here with me…
She is a good wife.
She knows what it takes to be married to the most awesome human on earth….that knows you.
I hope this isn’t true Trey….so hard to tell with you sometimes. But, if it is…get back up! You did it before, you can do it again. And if it’s not true, shame on you for worrying everyone. Ass gonna get kicked.
I really hope it’s a reminiscence. Be well.x
Reminiscent : p
OK,……SO you had a slip? Now you and you alone get to make the choice if it’s one SLIP, Lapse,….or a Relapse. You know you got this, you now how “Sober” feels like….My peeps that I sponsor know, I don’t “Sugar Coat” recovery. You to ask yourself,……what was the build up? The trigger? That is if this is real life….. Faith can be a powerful thing my good friend, so is your Journey…..I’m always here 4 U Xo
Lapse And Relapse: Just Fyi…
A lapse is the first drink. This is the first step before a full blown relapse. A relapse is continuing to drink until the full biological, psychological, and social disease is present. All of the complex biological, psychological, and social components of the of the disease become evident very quickly. For now lets call a lapse a slip even though AA. does not use the word slip.