“Can we keep them?”
This question came from my wife….
“What do you mean, can we keep them?” I replied
“I don’t know anything about them…” I sputtered.
“What am I supposed to do with them?” I continued a little whiney
“You don’t have to do anything” my conspiratorial wife said…
“I’ll take care of them, besides…” She waved her hand in the general direction of the critters in question,
“They pretty much take care of themselves when left alone” She smiled….”Very low maintenance”
“How much…?” I said, the monetary implications popping into my head, as always, when my wife made a “suggestion” about something new with the house.
I looked at the two big eyed critters sitting on the couch across from me, their gazes nervously passing from my wife to me.
My wife patted the sofa cushion next to her and one of them came over and obediently perched next to her…
She patted it on a leg and said “Not much at first, just a little food and somewhere to sleep until we get used to them and them to us…”
She tried to coax the other to sit beside her on the opposite side.
It didn’t budge….
It just looked at me.
Not taking my eyes off the quieter one on the far sofa I asked my wife “What do you call them?”
She put her hand on the one sitting beside her and said “This is Donny…” Then pointing her finger at the other one said “…and that one’s Jeffrey”
“Hi” they both said.
“What’s the big deal, I mean, why even ask me, I’m out on the road a lot, you can do whatever you want unless it involves drugs or something worse” I said.
My wife and the two young men passed glances at one another….
All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so good…..
“Well….” My wife started “They’re gay…and a couple” She said
“Gay?” I looked at her…
“What in the hell is ‘gay’? “ I asked.
I didn’t really ask that…
I knew perfectly well what ‘gay’ means….
I asked “What do they eat?”
My wife said “The same as regular people goofy”
I considered this…obvious, but…
“I heard that gay people ate carpet and fudge pops or something….” I didn’t really say.
“Are they gonna have sex everywhere like you see on HBO and online?” I did ask.
The two critters snickered at this.
“No” my wife said informed “They’ve been together for 7 years, they hardly ever have sex anymore”
I considered this….a valid point.
I stood up and went to the window, parting the blinds and peering out….
I said “We can’t let the neighbors or the church know about this”
“Oh my god, Trey!” My wife hooted “They’re not contagious!”
I kept looking out the blinds, checking the street for rainbow burning homophobes.
“Besides, I don’t give a crap what anybody says anyway, Donny is my nephew and he’s family” she said.
I looked back over my shoulder at the two gay people, then back toward my wife and said;
“I’ve never been this close to a gay person before….I don’t know how to act around one”
My wife and the two young men passed amused glances at one another….
I was being serious!
“Trey, now you’re being silly!” my ‘honey biscuit’ tooted.
I looked at the two gayberts and said;
“First things first…” I pointed at them for emphasis….
“A…You can’t get offended every time I say ‘That is so gay’ or ‘You’re such a fag, honey’ or ‘That’s queer’ or some other derogatory homosexual condescending terminology that in no way reflects my true feelings toward fags”
“Agreed…” they both said in surprising harmony.
“B….I don’t wanna catch you checking out my tight ass, trying on your aunts clothes or crying during a sad movie” I said.
My wife interrupts here: “You cry during sad movies…and you try on my clothes”
“Hush, I’m not talking about me, I’m not gay” I said “Gay people cry funny”
My wife and the two young men passed dubious glances at one another….
“Finally…” I said
“Thank God” said my wife…
I continued despite the divorce inducing interruption…
“Finally….” My voice softens, but not in a gay way….
“All I ask is that you help your Aunt Sheila as much as you can around the house and make sure her and Lacy are OK when I’m not around”
My wife and the two young men passed relieved glances at one another….
My step daughter Lacy adds her two cents from the kitchen:
“I think it’s too funny that when they fight, they call each other fags” She giggled.
I looked at the two critters as they tittered together…
Great….they titter funny too…..
“That’s all I ask…” I repeated.
Donny said “You don’t have to worry about that, it goes without saying”
Jeffery nods with vigor….
“Good” I said “Thank you”
Sheila pats Donny on the leg again.
“One more thing…” says I
All three of them look at me.
“Stay outta my underwear drawer”
Disclaimer: **This post in no way reflects the opinions or beliefs of the author towards nice fags or the one’s I’m related to.
P.S Ha Ha Donny and Jeffrey
Tell Aunt Sheila she better get me a puppy for this!
P.S.S I love you Lisa and Deanna!