Hero Worship

When I woke up this morning, I rolled over and saw my reflection in the visor mirror that I have attached with Velcro to the wall of my sleeper berth.

I was amazed at how handsome I am…

Not really amazed, I should clarify this, only amazed that perfection can be improved upon so much.

I should call National Geographic…..

The only drawback to waking up sexier than the previous day is that I always have an anxiety attack, because I can’t seem to catch my breath after seeing my reflection.

God I’m gorgeous….

It’s truly breath-taking.

I try not to stare for too long.

Last time I lost myself in the grandeur of my visage I went blind and had a small psychotic episode.

My brilliantly talented mind was not prepared to encompass the breadth of sexiness that was displayed in the mirror.

I had to spend a short period of time in a nice quiet facility trying to accept that what I had beheld was in fact, reality.

Such nice doctors and nurses there…..

My next appointment is in 9 months, something about signing papers for all 20 of the nurses on my floor.

Unfortunately, I have to see another doctor.

Tragically, my doctor took his own life, having leapt from his office window the day after I checked out.

I have come to grips with the fact that I have this kind of effect on people.

Mostly rich women…..

I’ve been aware of my bounteous masculinity and ‘savoir faire’ since I was 2 years old.

That’s when I won a baby beauty contest.

Maybe ‘won’ is the wrong word, maybe “showed up” is more realistic and applicable.

I never participated in another contest after that victory….

There was no need.

What is life without competition?

It’s freaking awesome!

I heard later in life that all the other babies in that contest (“pffft!”) eventually all grew up to be raging alcoholics in adulthood.

So sad when people have to face the fact that they fall short and can never achieve what few of us like to call….Godhood.

I wish I felt more sympathy for these poor saps, but I was born without that particular gland.

I actually don’t even have a heart…
The doctors call it my “Sexy bone”

The sun called me this morning before he rose and asked me which side of the world he should shine on first.

I told him that it didn’t matter what side of my profile was illuminated first.

It’s ALL GOOD baby….

I see a grassy field across the road from me.

I think I’ll walk across it in this wonderful morning light.

Flowers just seem to appear when I walk thru grass.

It happens on sidewalks and asphalt too….

…..Weird

I have to be careful and remember to eat my morning boiled eggs with a fork.

Every time I forget and pick one up with my fingers it bursts apart and a little bird pops out.

It seems to frighten little children when I eat the bastard.

Crap, I’m gonna get killed one day from all of these damn birds falling out of the sky as I walk into the truck stop.

All these dang butterflies that suddenly appear are a bitch to walk thru….

It’s embarrassing to take a shower when my scrunchie keeps moaning while I scrub my soapy, sudsy, steamy body….

The exhaust fan sounds like a saxophone….

Weird….

I’m sorry…I’ll wait until you catch your breath and your vision clears.

Better…?

I’m sorry….

Sometimes I forget that worshiping a fantasy like me can be so taxing to a normal person.

Loss of appetite….depression….drug abuse…..

Oh well, I have touched your souls this morning and you are welcome.

Always strive for your dreams and reach for the stars.

If you can’t reach them, let me know….

I have them on speed dial…..

Asta Madonna