Questions For God

You know what?

I am almost 50 years old now and I think that I have avoided taxes and not sent an under-cooked steak back long enough to qualify me for some damn answers in this world….

I want some clarification people!

I am tired of going thru this life not knowing why is why and what is what about some things that most of us “normal” people ignore or just don’t give a shit about.

I’m getting old, I’m supposed to know shit!

Questions to ask God if and when I meet him:

[Note] God is pretty famous, might be hard to get in to see him.

Tell his receptionist that if he doesn’t see me, I’ll kill myself.

[Footnote] I wonder if the threat of suicide works in heaven….I’ll Google it later.

Question 1:

Why is there dust everywhere?

It drives me insane how much dust there is in my truck.

I am a cleaning maniac.

I am obsessive compulsive.

I think there’s something wrong with me….

I am constantly wiping stuff down, using disinfectant wipes, Mean Green, Formula 401K (I think that’s what it’s called) Armor All…etc.,

I am Rain Man…

My truck smells like an emergency room, except for the poop part.

I clean and I clean, I keep my clothes hung up and wrapped in plastic.

I wipe my shoes down.

I don’t eat in my truck while I am driving.

I wash out the a/c filter every morning.

I keep the windows rolled up and I DON’T, drive thru dusty parking lots.

I even have a water hose in my truck to spray it down when it’s dusty outside and the dust bitches have the TAMARRITY to settle their little dust
bunny asses on it….

So where does it come from?

It’s there in the morning when I put on my clothes….dancing in the early sunlight like little turd-knockers.

It’s lying on top of my freshly lacquered dash, mocking me.

It’s on my freaking laptop keypad as I am typing this! And I keep THAT in a case!

It makes me sneeze and spread booger dust everywhere….

Lemon Pledge is a lie!

It only makes SHINY DUST!!

I hate dust.

Question 2:

What’s up with my wife?

Why is she short?

Why does she always want to smooch on me?

How come she can cook pork chops and not oatmeal?

Why does she waddle?

How come she likes to take baths and not showers?

Well, I can’t completely put that on her….

I have forbidden her to use MY shower.

She might get germs in it. Cooties are very hard to wash off….

Why does she always try to jump my bones when I come home?

I’m not a piece of meat….I’m a person.

The levels of sexual perversions that this woman is capable of are staggering.

I actually think some of the things she tries to do to me are illegal in Montana and Wyoming….

And they have laws about sheep!

…I should seek legal recourse….

A restraining order, maybe…

After she has had her way with me, I’m the one that ends up in the shower crying or in therapy…NOT HER!

I’ll be in trouble when she learns how to read.

She’s from Louisiana you know….

I have lots of questions to ask God.

These are just a couple that I could think of this morning.

I will continue to ask due to the fact that I am a nag and a needy person.

Poor God….

It’s not my fault you made me this way.

; P