June 15, 2014

What If Something Happens…

I am beginning and making some changes in my life today.

When my wife had a seizure 5 minutes after I had dropped her off at work it made me do a lot of soul searching.

You tend to soul search sitting beside a hospital bed.

All the beeping and wheezing of the monitors are somehow….spirit numbing.

I walked the halls alone while my wifes monitors followed me…”You’re next…You’re next…”

“You’ll never see me coming…”

I am not a happy man….

I am almost 50 years old.

I am tired of being tired.

I want the next 50 years to be my best.

I want to be me….for a change.

Do I even remember me?

How long has it been since I saw me last?

What if…..I never get a chance to be myself again…..What if….?

Because, as I found out from Sheila’s episode, “What If” could happen at any minute….

A roll of the dice on a small table…..

To me….to you…..

I have decided that I can no longer live in fear of dying

After all the years of trials and heartaches, I have discovered that I am dying to live for this change….

I am fortunate that I have what I have and that I can become the master of my own destiny.

I have a lot more than a lot of people….

Thank God I realize it now.

But my hole seems so deep….

And my back seems so bent….

However, I can see a light at the top of the hole.

What if I can’t get a grip on things?

What if I can’t pull my own weight?

What if I can’t seem to get a foot-hold onto a promising step?

What if….What if…..What if…..What if…..?

I dwell on religion….

I dwell on my job…

I dwell on the world…

I dwell for the sake of dwelling.

I am awake….

I am aware….

I am a searching man in this wilderness of mirrors.

I have been looking for so long for a quiet mind…

It seems like forever.

I am almost half a century old.

It is time to grow up and change me…

I believe that if I become engrossed in life and taken up with the joyful and charitable application of life….

I won’t be able to find the time to die or worry about being of a corporeal time limit.

Make the most of my life says I…..

What if….I do live forever…?

10 thoughts on “What If Something Happens…”

Oh man, you must be beside yourself with worry. I pray for a full and speedy recovery for Sheila. And for you my dear… be well, be safe, be happy, and take care of yourself

treyzguy says:

June 16, 2014 at 12:01 am

I’m cool, she’s cool, we be cool… Thx Maggie!

Reply
1. Maggie Wilson says:
  
  June 16, 2014 at 12:02 am
  
  mwah

Please stop “what iffing.” Whatever happens, in that moment you’ll step up to the plate. When my doctor told me that the few remaining cancer cells in my body after my kidney operation had a 50/50 chance of showing up in my bones, my lungs, or my brain within two years, I told him I was betting on the 50% chance that it they would not. It has been seven years, and they still may show up, but if they do, then I’ll face that. You’re almost 50 years young and doing well. Bet on that for the future.