“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
I was talking to someone this morning about disjointed stuff when the conversation turned to addiction.
I don’t know how it happened exactly, I guess the subject wandered into our chat like most subjects do, unexpected……sometimes causing embarrassing stoppages of speech and a few awkward silences.
Usually I try to avoid the topic of my addiction and alcoholism due to the fact that it is, most painful, brings up bad memories of course, replays my failures in Movie-Tone….with crystal clear Dolby Surround Sound…in 3D….Technicolor…on a Blu-Ray Disc….
……It reminds me how close to the edge I still am…
There is truly no rest for the “don’t wanna be wicked but shit happened” folks.
It makes us……so tired.
The difference now; is that I recognize it for what it is, while I fear it for what it was….or could be again.
It’s not denial of my past, mind you.
It is a part of me.
If there is one of the few things I have learned in almost 50 years is that taking responsibility, accepting, but not embracing ones past faults and that lying is a cancer that will NEVER have a cure.
All you have to do in this life is lie….one time….and you are a liar forever.
For you see….
I am a liar.
I am sad about this.
I never wanted to be a liar.
I was not taught the true worth of a man is his word.
I was not taught that if you were a trustworthy man that a handshake could seal any pact as golden.
Oh, if I had only known that lies come in so many forms….
At first, my lies were to prevent beatings and “disapproval”….which led to being called “stupid” “Not my kid” “Dumb as a nigger”….etc, etc.,etcetera….blah blah blah de fucking dah!
Survival instinct, I guess…
The problem is that some of them worked, I got good at them…I got creative.
I will be a liar forever.
Anywho, I’m getting off track….Oh, I don’t blame my mom and dad about all this, well, not anymore.
They were only people…like me.
There is no need for me to seek any apologies or explanations from them, as I have grown older and a little wiser.
I forgive you guys.
I do love them and miss them every day.
Back on track:
Here is a question that I would like y’all to think on…for you Buddha freaks…meditate upon…
In my limited “vocabularial extemporaneous bastardizations of known thesaurial manipulation and verb rapeage and adjective pilfering” I can’t decide if this question is a quandary, a conundrum, a paradox or just….tough:
What is harder to deal with: Want or Need?
Think before you answer;
My first examples of said quandary:
a) I need a cold drink but I want a Pepsi.
b) I need a wife but I want a rich, stupid one.
c) I need to lose weight but I want pizza.
Do you ever remember a toddler coming up to you and saying “I need some candy”?
The kids know what they WANT; the parents know what they NEED.
So when do we start needing stuff?
There’s lots of ways to tear this apart and dissect it intellectually, but just for shits and giggles, let’s hear what the dormant addict/alcoholic thinks:
I never needed drugs/alcohol to “live”….I wanted them.
I NEEDED the beer or dope to quiet the monsters and the shaking hands….
[Note] Monsters are never silent; they are always scratching in your mind.
I wanted beer…I wanted dope…
I needed them to make it….easier?
For the life of me, I don’t know why.
Cravings are a physical reaction to a want or need, for ANY addiction!
You can stop the physical with handcuffs, jail cells, more “legal” drugs or many trips to rehab.
You can NEVER stop the Want and Need in your mind, once you have taken that first step into the darkness…
When addiction is in your mind and it controls your wants and needs, it is REAL to us.
Unless you are very lucky or very, very scared….Your mind will tear you to pieces where addictions are concerned.
Until you swallow a bullet….
Then, everything will stop….
It’s so quiet there…
Are you sure?
Have any of them ever actually been to the true undiscovered country where all questions are answered…or they never are…….only more questions.
That would be a real hell.
I came close…
Others I have known have taken that one way trip…
Poor bastards…..I know the anguish, the pain and the hopelessness…
It’s a helluva effective way to kill monsters.
I don’t wanna ride that train.
You have to get real scared, real fast fellow addicts…
It is YOUR fault that you are what you are…
I didn’t want to admit it either, but I did….and I haven’t woke up in a ditch in 3 years.
I don’t care if you have been sober for 50 years…
You can still feel the monsters scratching….can’t you?
They will be there forever,
You wanna go for that last ferry ride.
That ride costs way more than I wanna pay….
Ask any old drunk….they’ll tell you.
If they say that they never think about it, they will not be sober too much longer.
It is the raw fear that keeps us sober.
If you ask an old drunk and they say “Hell yeah, I think about it all the G******N time!”
They might just make it.
It’s not death that scares us….
We die all the time….
Over and over and over and over…..infinity
It’s being alive and dead at the same time that is the true terror to behold.
“Drink Me” read the label on the tiny bottle.
I never should have….
I went to another world…..
Guess what I found out?
….We were all mad.
Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.
Alice: …So long as I get somewhere.
The Cheshire Cat: Oh, you’re sure to do that, if only you walk long enough.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
I NEEDED to change because I WANTED to live.