Loving Husband on Vacation

Of course most of you know I am on my first vacation, or I should say, first PAID vacation.

I don’t know what to do with myself….

The wife and I have already had our monthly sexcapade, so we’re lost about what else to do….

The wife and I had made some tentative plans, coordinating our vacations on the same days, and stuff we thought that we would like to do…

It never occurred to either of us that we had to get out of bed before noon to accomplish anything on our list.

We are sitting here sipping coffee.

She is laughing at her Facebook and I am writing this….Obviously.

This is an awesome “stacation”…Day 3.

I had to go to the ER on the first day because, apparently, I have some clogged sweat glands under each arm that were killing me. I was starting to walk around like a gunfighter, arms out and ready to draw.

One cool thing is that they gave me some antibiotics that make my pee orange, like deer hunting vest orange….

I wonder if it glows in the dark.

I’ll let you know later, so expect one of my “Random Thoughts @ 2 am ” posts….

I’m re-learning how to sleep on an actual bed.

My wife is only like 5′ 1″ and the mattresss top of our bed is like 5′ off the ground.

I have to literally pull her onto the bed.

I am super strong it appears.

I got this pain in my back now….

She’s kinda heavy for a Hobbit.

Oh….

Get this…

My dedicated followers know that I am on the road a lot because of my job as a long haul trucker…

What they may not know is that I may, and do, forget some intimate things about being married and the wife:

I was stunned by what I had forgotten, or probably just blocked it from my memory….Trauma and all that…

Did you know…?

A) She snores like a drunk sailor

B) She sleeps like she is the only one in the damn bed

C) There are strange noises coming from under her side of the blankets

D) It IS possible for me to sleep on 3″ of mattress, and I can work on my grip strength at the same time that I am in REM mode.

Not easy to do but I am gifted in so many things that y’all all know….

E) Whenever I move or turn over, she mumbles “blerk” and puts her hand over my face…. She had pizza last night, evidently.

F) She has absolutely NO fashion sense in Pj’s. She is wearing a brown tee shirt with white/pink polka dot sweats.

Soo cliché ….

G) I will attempt to reclaim my side of the bed tonight.

There will be blood…. 

PS: What does “ronk” or “snark” mean? How about “eerp gronk”?

Just wondering….

Here’s something else….

This is why I am such a loving and caring husband:

This morning my wife got a little grouchy and thought she would not make my eggs and bacon on time.
Well, I had to remind her that I am the man and she must obey me in all things.

After I corrected her impudence and childish attempt at revolt, and our marriage vows, I showed her that despite her outburst, I still loved her and wanted only the best for her.

I bought her a pair of new sunglasses to hide her 2 black-eyes so that people would not stigmatize her as an abused spouse.

It is very important to me that no one makes fun of my wifey-poo.

Oh, the eggs were awesome…plus, I got a foot massage.

Goes to show you that blind people can be useful….

See, sometimes a little reminder here and there keeps the home a tranquil place….

My wife informed me that I must sleep with one eye open.

I said “Silly goose, I can’t sleep with one eye open, it’s impossible”

She just grinned at me and nodded…

A little un-nerving that….

I’ll keep you updated on the happy and contrite wife.

Looking forward to Stacation day 4…

P.S 2: “Honey what are you doing with those scissors?”

“What do you mean, cut off my jollies?”

“You can’t cut my pecker off you silly goose, you did that when we got married, it’s in that jar on the mantle-piece next to my juevos”

Silly Goose…..

P.S 3: I wub ooo honey biscuit ; *