Have you ever had a wonderful, beautiful, tragic, romantic, heart-rending dream before?
There is this girl (I don’t know how old we are in my dream) but, if it’s in relation to her age, we should be in our mid 20’s.
All I can remember about her (after waking up 3-4 times at intense moments during the dream, then losing the flow of the dream and then trying to get back to sleep like a crazy person) that she has fair, smooth skin…light hazel eyes, reddish brown or dark strawberry blonde hair pulled back in a low pony-tail, and a smile….
A smile that makes me cry..
She evidently has a recurring role in my psyche somehow, because I have “known” her since I was a teenager.
I can’t remember how many times, but, it’s long enough between episodes that I almost forget about her until she reappears.
I don’t know her name, yet, but, this is what happened last night…Best that I can remember.
She keeps finding me somehow….
I am sitting on a couch, talking to unknown people, subject unknown.
When the door to the room opens up, and “my girl” walks in carrying groceries…
(I WAKE UP!!)…zzzzz…..
She’s seen me, just as I see her, and she drops the groceries, runs to the couch, crashes down beside me, wraps her arms around my chest.
Laying her head down slowly, looking up at me , with those sleepy, painful, gorgeous, soul tearing eyes…
(I WAKE UP!!) …zzzzz..
I’m looking at her now…her cheek on my chest and shoulder, her arm across my chest, her legs across my lap…she says…
(tears in my eyes now in real-time)
She say’s… “Where have you been?
So soft, so tenderly…
“Where have you been for soo long?”
Her eyes are glistening now…
I run my dream fingers thru her hair, I stroke her wet cheek…
“I’m here, now” I say.
I WAKE UP!!!
I am devastated to be back in this awake place…
Then the next thing… I’m thinking.”I should have stood up when she walked into the room, instead of just sitting there… been a gentleman”,
Why that thought?
I must truly respect and cherish this “lady”,
Esteem her greatly I must.
But she’s only a dream!
Then, smiling to myself like a the Cheshire cat, I say to myself…
“Thank God…she’s back.”…then crying myself to sleep, smiling.
Glad that “she’s” back… fighting to sleep, trying to find her again.
But’ I couldn’t…
I had left her there…in my…”our” dream…apparently, again.
What an asshole….
Left her sitting there beside me, clutching at me like a drowning person, be it despair or need…terrified that I might get off the couch and leave her again.
(I’m crying again now in real time, hands shaking)
What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.
I can’t believe I left her!!!
I should have stayed!!!
Why didn’t I stay!!??
What makes me come back to this shitty awake place, full of misery and despair, when I could live in a dream with her!?
….live in a dream.
If I close my eyes and listen real hard, I can hear her calling my name….
I understand a few things more clearly this day, a true zen moment has occurred in my life.
Wanna know why?
A) I do not know this “lady’s” name
B) I have NEVER had a dirty dream about her
C) I have never kissed her.
But last night…last night…(still crying in real time again)
She actually spoke to me, and I can feel her fingers in my skin as surely as I can hear myself sniffling now!
What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.
If heaven is where dreams come true…then I came one step closer to it last night.
I felt heaven there…in a dream…on a dream couch, my dream lady holding me…crying into my shoulder…shaking…Her loving me and me not knowing her…
Be back soon Lady.
I’ll behave and commit no sin, I’ll eat all of my vegetables and pick up my dirty clothes, I’ll beg the Lord for forgiveness and beg him to let me see you again …maybe I can stay a little longer next time…and we can talk…on our dream couch…
What a bastard I must be…
In this awake place…
[Later reflections of my dream]
THE AWAKE PLACE
Stumbling back into this awake place, my thoughts…my emotions…my confusions, were all flying around my head like angry little Angel bugs…some playing their harps…others bashing me with their halos.
Anyways…not to stray. I have to concentrate and focus, (try to) on the feelings about my recent journey to…hmmm…I’ll call it… (It has to be worthy of her), Where would she live…my Lady?
I actually thought a little about giving my Lady a name for this story…our story.
That thought fluttered by like a breath.
Stupid ass, she already has a name.
I don’t know it yet…she hasn’t told me…but I KNOW she has one.
How do I know she has a name?
Because she’s real.
I heard her…I felt her grip…I could see my reflection in her eyes.
No dream causes a person to cry in the awake place…
In Realsville…Current City…does it?
At least I’ve never heard of it or anyone else saying anything about it.
Who said, “Dreams are like trying to hold water in your hands”? Hmmm…don’t remember. I’ll Google it later.
Maybe you can tell now… there are many directions I want to explore in this tale.
The dream I have drifted into and out of for the past 35 years was, well… what I could retain from the disjointed episodes of this last trip.
There’s not much to draw from as far as the actual dream is concerned…much to my dismay.
But the intensity and love and…jeez, what else?
THE POWER of it… opened windows into my soul.
My soul is alive again.
Questions are alive again…in me.
The consideration… that my reality might be someone else’s dream or dreams?
What if my reality is another person’s dream? You know…the whole parallel universe thing?
What if Lady is real and I am not?
I don’t feel real sometimes…
Sometimes I think I’m living in a dream.
What if she’s wondering who I am?
What if we did pass in the night and never seen each other?
What if my soul-mate doesn’t know she is in a dream and cannot escape to me?
What if she only lives on hope?
What if, I’m a dream….?
What if we are wandering in the fog of consciousness, knowing each other is there, but not hearing or seeing each other….
Is that, hell?
If torment is a part of hell, I have been to hell….
If dreams are made in heaven, then I have been there too…
I am a resident of both, a foot in each camp?
Whoa, drop the Peyote Cochise… any ways
There’s probably movies, songs, sonnets, poems, tribal dances etc., about all this.
People that can explain it much more beautifully.
I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been interested in the subject matter before.
Until it happened to me.
Especially this time…..
All I am sure of is that I left this awake place, and went to Remtown to see… A Lady
She told me she missed me.
She told me….
“Don’t go, I love you”
I left her, anyhow….
What an asshole….
Now, I can’t find my way back.
I too, live on hope….
“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.”