Hypochondriac Paranoid Observations

OH, HELL NO!!!

My feet were kinda itching from wearing socks and shoes yesterday.

I usually wear sandals when I drive, for comfort and non-stinkyness.

Technically, Truckers aren’t supposed to wear sandals while driving; but Johnny Law don’t have to live with our feet…do he?

Anyways…

Reaching my orgasmic plane while scratching the in-step of my right foot, I noticed something.

I HAVE A MOTHER-SUCKING VARICOSE VEIN!!!

On my right calf!

Where…in…the…hell…did that come from?!

I have a varicose vein?! I’ve only just turned 50 years old and I’ve got a granny leg?!!

I mean….I’ve been noticing a few twinges or burning sensations in my calf for the last little bit, but I chalked it up to my Hypochondriatic
Paranoia. (See post Oh Crap!)

You know…?

Ghost pains…..pins and needles, invisible spiders….

I’d rub it or flex it and it would go away for a while, I didn’t think much about it.

We never do…do us?

I must still have the “indestructible” attitude of a younger man, despite the fact that all my shit is starting to sag, turn colors and smell.

I should have never pulled up WebMD on the internet….

I entered the information into the WebMD Symptom Checker and found out that I have Gonorrhea, pernicious anemia, juvenile measles, leprosy and possibly nymphomania…

Obviously I need to amputate my leg or get laid….

Denial…what a beautiful place.

Outside of Egypt somewhere, I think…

I here it’s nice there all year round.

Anywhos…

This freakin’ vein is about as wide as my finger and just as long!

It hasn’t turned granny blue yet, but who knows what it will do?

What if it burst?

What if there’s a blood clot?!

I HATE BLOOD CLOTS!!

I just checked my left calf…no sign of a granny leg yet thank God.

I had no choice but to get on my knees and ask Google.

I Googled “Varicose Veins” and there are treatments, thank ya Jesus!

There are direct injections into the vein.

Don’t really want to think on that option quite yet.

I’m not scared of needles mind you, not that much; just the injecting doctor that had a fight with his wife that morning, then strangled her, left her body in the fire place and found out the life insurance policy he had on her had just cancelled last Tuesday.

And I’m the first one in the office with the same last name as his wife’s maiden name, before she turned into a soul sucking bitch!

That…is how my brain works.

Hypochondriatic Paranoia is a terrible thing.

The next treatments are prescriptions of course, but I refuse to take pills that have worse side effects than the freakin’ problem!

I guess that pretty much rules out most meds, nowadays….

I can handle the varicose vein but not the liver failure, kidney failure, bloody stools, leaking stools, black stools, no stools, or the ever terrifying blood clots I so dread.

Pills are a no go…..

The only pills I like are the kind that will make me 10 feet tall and bullet-proof.

They tend to be illegal here in the U.S, unfortunately.

Thank God for Mexican pharmacies….

Don’t buy dope from Canadians ….they’re a shifty bunch, eh?

But since I have an aversion to prison bars and gang rape I go without the much needed medical treatments.

So what am I gonna do now?

Back to Google…

They also suggest that walking and exercise will reduce the vein somewhat, and that will prevent others from “popping” up.

As a truck driver y’all understand that the majority of the time, I am sitting for hours.

When I stop for rest, the last thing I wanna do is walk.

I wanna sleep.

That’s the Catch 22…..

Either I get off my big fat lazy ass and walk…or suffer more granny legs.

Which do I hate worse?

Granny veins or exercise….

I’ll have to weigh my options.

Hmmm…maybe I’ll risk the shot.

I don’t think I’m gonna check my body anymore.

It’s like going to the zoo….

P.S. While I’m checking my calf again I notice that it is time for a pedicure. I don’t think my toe nails are supposed to be yellow and white.
Are they?