Me and Jesus broke up a few months ago….
It was a tumultuous relationship at best, mostly on my part.
It seems that I’m needy, and kind of bitchy.
Jesus never called me out to my face, but I could see it in his eyes when I would start on one of my “But you promised’ rants.
He’s been very patient with me and has tolerated my little outbursts now and then; even after I ignored him and told him that I didn’t believe anything he’d ever told me and that I doubted that he had ever even cared about our friendship.
I also let him know that all of those Facebook meme’s he keeps posting on my page is just a cheap shot to stay all up in my business.
I also told him that I didn’t appreciate him using his position as the “Son of God’ to influence my friends into subconsciously posting all that crap.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I asked.
“I don’t wanna” he said.
“That’s not a very mature reason” I said.
“Deal with it!” he popped off.
I felt like punching him in the eyeball, but it just doesn’t seem right to give Jesus a black-eye, lord knows I’ve tried. (Pardon the, uh…. Metaphor?)
“Well, we have nothing in common” says I, proving my point.
“What do you mean, nothing?” he said “You love Jethro Tull, I love Jethro Tull.”
“What about Black Sabbath, then?” I said, kinda like a brat.
“Everybody loves Sabbath” He cried in mock rebuke!
“I…Am…Iron-Man….” He starts to sing and play air guitar; then stops and grins that Jesus grin.
“God, you’re annoying sometimes” I said, laughing despite myself. (There’s that damn pun… Uh…. Simile?…. again)
“You know you love me…” he says, looking at his fingernails with deep interest.
“So…….I love bacon too, but I can live without it……for a while.” I said.
Real mature….I know.
“Let me put it this way, so you can understand me here, Big Dawg….” He says.
“I am like your Granny’s refrigerator……you may leave for a while and not come visit me for some time but when you do, there is always something here for you and you don’t even have to ask”
“That’s dumb” I said… But, Why did that make sense to me….?
He studied my face, then said;
“I do what I have to, to get your attention” He put a hand on my shoulder….”It’s war” he laughs, squeezing my shoulder hard.
I shrugged my shoulder and brushed his hand away.
“What about all those years I was drunk, losing my kids, all that abuse I got when I was just a kid!’
Why am I getting upset…?
“I was there” he said nonchalant like, now looking at one of the holes in his hands.
“Well….” I said petulant like “I never saw you, I never heard anything, I didn’t get no miracle saving me, like all those biblical turkeys”
I was being a butthole now. I wanted to irk him…. I wanted to push his buttons…
He just stood there looking at me, his hands in his pockets, now….waiting for me to finish my belly-aching, I guess.
“You never went too far” he said quietly after I had stood there for a minute staring at my shoes.
I looked up at him and frowned.
When I didn’t say anything to this, Jesus said “Everyone on this world has to walk their own path; everyone on this world has to make their own way and find out what is most important to them, to know that there is more to life than suffering and pain, Toyota’s and Starbucks, paper or plastic…
“Well, I didn’t want to walk that particular path, thank you very much; it dang near killed me! ” I snorted.
“Ha!” he cried “You should’ve walked in my sandals, big boy!” He added “I wasn’t exactly thrilled about my path either; particularly when I found out where it was heading”
He paused, then whispered “But I did take it.”
He had a good point.
Jesus spoke more to himself now, than me; ” You can’t imagine what it was like, knowing that I had to die…”
I wouldn’t, wasn’t gonna argue with that.
I wanted to assure him that if I’d been given the task that had fallen on him that I’d have done the same as he……but I couldn’t.
I’m not that noble….
I only had to symbolically bear a cross, not actually be nailed to one; thank ya, Jesus!
I made my voice softer “Okay…I’m sorry, forgive me for being such an butthole”
I held out my hand.
He took my hand and suddenly pulled me into a suffocating bear hug with a hard pat on the back.
I hugged him back, a little tentatively at first, and then I gave him a fair dinkem hug.
“You are high maintenance …..I have to admit that” Jesus said to me with that grin and look that always follow you around a room when you walk by one of his paintings.
“But that’s one of the reasons I dig you baby!” He said.
I looked around and smacked my lips “I got a craving for a Starbucks all of a sudden” I said.
“Starbucks is of the devil” Jesus said with that savior look and a wink.
“I couldn’t agree more” I said.
“But….” JC added with a wink “I do love me a Peppermint Mocha”
“You have to put on some shoes, though” I informed the Son of Man. “They won’t serve us if you ain’t got no shoe’s on” pointing at his feet.
Man those nail holes freak me out sometimes!
Jesus looked down at his feet, wiggled his toes and said “They won’t serve ugly people either, but I’m going with you.”
Funny guy, I thought.
A million comedians are out of work and I get this dude….
But not to be out-done, and feeling better about hanging out with my old buddy again, I couldn’t help it….
He was waiting for me to say something, he knew that I was a butthole….that much he had admitted to, but he also knew that I am a smart ass….
He knows me so well….
I hate that sometimes….
I said “Yeah, well at least I don’t look like a hippie…. you need a haircut bad; you kinda look like one of the Bee Gee’s”
He put his arm around my shoulder, grinned that grin and said in a high, mocking, perfect Bee Gee voice; “Walk with me”
I looked at him….he looked at me.
Then we both broke out laughing.
He gave me a quick rabbit punch in the stomach, and shouted “Race ‘ya!”
He took off running towards the Starbucks, sandals flip flopping.
I hollered after him “Cheater! You run like a girl!”
Jesus flipped me the bird over his left shoulder, never breaking stride.
I smiled and took off after him.
I think I died….
He was holding the door open for me when I caught up to him, that grin smeared across his face again.
“Don’t say it” I panted, my hands on my knees…. I know him too, you see.
In his terrible Jesus Christ judgement day baritone voice he said “Knock and it shall be opened…” he smiled bigger.
Some people’s kids I thought….
“You first” I said with a deep courtly bow.
“Right behind you” he said.
Now I understand…..
Now I get it….
“Right behind me….”
Knowing him like I do, he’ll probably step on the back of my shoes…