I Married A Felon

I realized that my “wife” must love me or wants to kill me….

Well, I call her “wife” because she gets angry when I call her “abductress”

I torment my poor wife.

She deserves everything she gets!

She’s blonde, you see….

Too the bone…

And, She’s from the middle of a corn field in rural Louisiana.

I actually met her while she sat in a mud hole sucking tadpoles through a straw…

I am constantly teasing her and telling people that I am starved for affection because she is always drunk and beats me for no reason.
My wife tolerates me…

She ignores me…

She knows that I am full of poopie doodie….

Why she puts up with my aggravating ass, I have no idea.

I’m not worth much.

I am not rich.

I take Viagra and Cyalis.

I do not reflect well from a mirror.

But, I guess it is because I make her laugh, or yell.. Or there is an insurance policy I don’t know about….

Just for fun, because I am dying of boredom while waiting for my truck to get unloaded in Harrisburg, PA., I wanted to share my pleas for help and to prove to y’all the horrors I face everyday.

These pleas are a mix of Facebook pleas and text messages…


Alas, I have found no champions in the Facebook world…

Please don’t tell her I talked to y’all…

1st Plea: Facebook post

“Errrgggg….. Oh, does anyone know the number to a battered spouse hotline?”

“My wife is terribly abusive and domineering. She abducted me when I was only 42 years old and still living with my mom.”

“She plucked me right off the front lawn where I’d been sleeping after our designated driver dropped me off there.”

“I must have dozed off…”

“Anyways, she had a hard time putting me in her cars trunk because the duct tape she’d put around my wrists and ankles kept getting stuck to her panty hose kidnapper mask thingee….”

“She had to go back onto the lawn to remove evidence of her crime and to get my pants; I guess the designated driver was too lazy to put them back on me.”

“Well, my mom came out and gave Sheila R Clarke $20 for gas and threw my house key in the gutter.”

Dear old mommy….

I hope she’s not missing me too much….

If anyone gets this post please notify the FBI and tell them…..

Oh crap!
She’s back…..! ”

2nd plea: Facebook Post plea

“Dear Honey,

I am at the best cooked TA truck stop buffet out here on the road. Don’t get mad, Honey Biscuit!

I had to eat something other than Baloney sammiches and ramen noodles!

I was getting weak and my visions failing.

I’m sorry I used your crack money for food!

Please don’t hit me anymore!”
Authors note: Wife = Honey Biscuit.

3rd Plea: Text message to my Niece.



See what I mean!!?
No help whatsoever!!

Okay, one more piece of proof!

This is how I deal with a woman that thinks I’m just a piece of meat!

A woman who thinks, just because she has rabies she’s all bad and everything!

I’ll show her!

I wear the pants in this relationship!

I don’t give a damn if they’re the crotchless spandex ones or that little boy scout outfit she picked out for me!!

I’m a man, baby!



She lies…..

That’s what Satan women are all about!

Lies, deceit… Coupons…. Pens that don’t work….

Hell…… Pure Hell!

Here’s one more Facebook plea:

A cry from the wilderness…

” Great! Another whole night of driving! You’re welcome Mrs. Sheila R Clarke! ”

” I’m getting sick and tired of working so hard to pay for your crack rock, liquor and teenaged studs!”

” It always ends up with me having to pay for rehab or herpes shots!”

“I can’t take it anymore, I need love too!”

” I’m weary of just being a pawn in your web of deceipt, intrigue and lust! ”

” But, if you spank me again and tell me I’m big poppy … We’ll call it square.”


I’m open to compromise….

But, nooooo….

She’s too violent and psychotic to meet in the middle.

She must control me…

Look what she said,  I mean, She’s ruthless! I have hard evidence backed up with years of DNA to go with this, and she don’t care if anybody sees it!!

Monster woman…. Demon spawn..Stinky butt puddin’ tane…


Now y’all know…

I’m bored and miss the wife…

Sorry, Honey Biscuit…

You know I couldn’t help it.

2 thoughts on “I Married A Felon”

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