1) An itch between your toes that will not go away unless fire is introduced. Amputation only exacerbates it.
2) An itch deep in the butt crack while you are in court. All ass miners look guilty, so you suffer.
3) A sudden itch in your ear while you perform CPR or are handcuffed to a fellow ass miner that has recently been in court and was found guilty.
4) No toilet paper in a Mexican restaurant and you’re not wearing socks….
5) Church Confessional closed due to construction
6) Caring about Jimmy Crackcorn when he doesn’t
7) Spitting out your car window and it comes back, boosted by 65 mph winds….
8) Forgetting to duck your head when reaching back into the car for something you forgot in the first place
a) The door is closed
b) The window is up
c) Facial imprint of surprise.
9) Missing a step in front of the church doors, biting your tongue and crying out “FUCK!”
10) Bending over from the couch to tie your shoes and falling onto the floor…. SOBER!
11) Opening a cabinet door into your face….
12) Hitting a bottle or glass against your front teeth
13) Putting your glasses on and poking yourself in the eye.
*authors note* I hate that!
14) Sneezing so hard that you bump your head on the steering wheel PLUS spraying boogers all over the windshield.
15) Also, taking a sip of scalding hot coffee and spewing it all over the car interior.
16) One of those days when you have an over zealous gag reflex. Even thinking about something makes you choke.
Don’t lie….
17) Reaching into the tub to grab something and falling in….NOT
SOBER!
18) Knowing you’re going to fall and being helpless to stop it; ON FLAT GROUND! Stumbling and grabbing at air before physics embraces you.
19) Neighbor posting your fall on YouTube.
20) Turning your head to speak to someone as they are doing the same and knocking noggins…
21) When someone can’t follow simple, freaking directions on where exactly to scratch the itch between your shoulders.
22) When there is only one kind of salad dressing at a restaurant, and it’s Bleu cheese.
23) Speaking of cheese…. What is cottage cheese all about, anyways?
24) When you bite into something and instantly realize that it’s smell and taste do not match.
A) Enter gag reflex….. or exit.
25) When you miss people you love….
What were they thinking?
1) Pilgrims
“GO where, on what?!”
2) Napoleon
“What do you mean they’re not turning around?”
3) Lewis and Clark
“I don’t have a fucking clue…”
4) Titanic Lookout
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
5) Custer
“Not the bugle charge, you stupid son of a bitch!!” Reettrreeaatt!!”
Bugler: “That’s all I know how to play!”
Everything Hurts & I'm Dying 