I am a man…
I am a flawed man.
I grew up in a time and region that had certain….standards.
For most of my young life I never had any idea that how I thought of certain people, different than me, was wrong.
Everyone I knew, in my direct and extended family were all the same, or believed the same things…
I actually remember the first time I ever saw a black guy with a white girl; it was in Utah; it was 1984.
I was 19 years old.
For 19 years, I had no idea that blacks and whites even considered mixing, that way….
It wasn’t ever spoken of where I was from.
If it was, I never heard it.
How could I have believed it was possible that a white girl would ever do something like this?
Pigs didn’t date cows
Horses didn’t date pigs.
Niggers don’t date whites….
If they did….they got hung.
Plain and simple.
I was told that my whole life.
Then, one day….
I grew up.
Oh, trust me…..I still have lots of engrained biases and little prejudices that i don’t believe will ever leave me.
I am human after-all, and with that; I am imperfect.
I just wanted to share with y’all some thoughts and work thru my mind and heart about things that vex me and make me not so proud of myself as I would like to be.
I like to write out loud….
Bear with me and wait until you’ve finished reading this before castigating me.
Where does this racism come from?
I know it’s face.
It is everywhere, in everyone.
If any deny that they never have racist thoughts or racial prejudice…
Or, they are the luckiest and most fortunate people that I have never met.
I’ve heard that they exist, but I’ve never seen one.
I don’t know these two people I’ve seen
They’re just talking to each other…..just these two.
A really black guy and an obvious girl Jew
Why am I disgusted by her, and mad at him?
Can’t they find someone to love that looks just like them?
Can’t she find a nice white guy with blonde hair and green eyes?
Why does the black guy lust for her smooth creamy thighs?
Why doesn’t he leave her alone and abort his foul plan?
It’s just to rub it into the faces of us godly white men
Flaunting his trophy, a conquest for show, a triumph for him?
Now he is touching her, just on the arm
I feel the bile rise, a touch of alarm
She is tossing her hair, spreading her arms as if to stretch
I know what she’s doing, I could almost wretch
The black guy is tall, she is fair and slight
He’s probably thinking “Wait lil’ white girl, wait ‘til tonight”
The black guy grabs her in a big friendly squeeze
She laughs with a titter, she’s an obvious tease
Then I hear a voice from deep in my soul
I don’t want to be like this, I fight it all the time
I have quickness to judge, a quickness to condemn
I truly make an effort now, at least in my eyes
To give to all a fair shake, not live by engrained lies
But the big people never let me play with the small nigger kids
I couldn’t play with the funny talking brown ones; I’d get beat if I did
They said they were dirty, and stole little white girls
They told me they were animals that ate only possums and squirrels
It didn’t matter that they were the only playmates around
They couldn’t come into our house, or set foot on our hallowed ground
My dad thought it was funny to make our dogs chase them and bark
He would lock all our doors and whisper that “the niggers come out after dark”
He would tell us that the brown one’s should all go back home
Back to a far away land, and leave our jobs alone
I always knew something didn’t seem right…
I never saw niggers come out into the dark Georgia night
I never saw them rape a white girl, or ‘jack’ my mom’s car
Our parents are supposed to teach us what’s right and what’s wrong
But what if they didn’t know, what if they’d been taught wrong?
If it was all that they’d been taught, all that they knew
Why was it wrong to hate a nigger, a spic, a commie or Jew?
I sit here thinking that I’ve been tainted and made hard
I’ll never be the man I want to be, a journey too far.
To have a soul without scars
I don’t want to be a racist asshole, I hate being this way
It’s a constant battle that’s waged, every minute of every day.
I fight the first thought’s that pop in my head and limits my mind
I’m glad that I know it now, the difference I mean
I can stop it before it starts, with a slate that’s wiped clean
But it’s no longer on the surface, not to be shown
I still chew the hate back, followed by anger and shame
But I am older and wiser now
I will win this fretful game…
I am a better man, I’m working on it everyday.
If anyone says they have no prejudice, and judge not lest they be damned
Then I am the only honest man I know trying to keep the dirt off his hands
P.S….I told you I would never lie in my posts. I told you that they were more for me than you. I told you that these posts are a way of examining my thoughts and life. I told you that I would not lie, or hold back. I told you, that you might understand that I am a flawed man, and I never quit trying to better myself.
P.S.S You help me with this by reading these posts, and knowing that there is at least one man you are aware of that wants’ better for the world….and himself
He wants…no regrets