What does that even mean?
I hold my heart in my hands as if though it was just so much ash, and I feel nothing.
I am sitting here at my laptop and running a scan over my body and feelings.
My progress bar is climbing and so far it finds no problems detected.
If everyone is screaming fire, there is no need to look for smoke.
It’ll just blur your vision and hinders your escape.
Besides, why worry about getting burned?
It always turns out the same.
Me, standing in the smoke… burning.
I am not lucky in love.
I have been married 4 times.
I take full responsibility for the disasters of the first 3….
I am not abusive, mentally or physically.
I am not mean and I do not curse at women.
I think that I am considerate and interested in the feelings of my significant other, as far as I know.
My one failing, that I am painfully aware of, is that I am extremely immature for my age.
When I was younger, I was a liar.
When I was younger, I was selfish.
When I was younger, I KNEW that I knew everything.
But, I wasn’t aware of these ‘extra’ failings.
I make poor decisions and I am compulsive.
I am empathetic and could care less if you choked to death.
I am weird, to me….
Or, am I?
What is the purpose of me being alone?
Am I supposed to die alone?
Is it my lot in life to not have a lot?
Love, I mean…
I could care less about material wealth.
Is that what all lower class people say?
Anyhow, back to my psych scan….
I was a young man, dealing with issues from my childhood and truly, and I say this now without fear of criticism, because I no longer worry about retribution or condemnation.
You see, I’m grown now.
I have learned better.
I have become a better man.
I have learned that my life is not the only one that has had struggles and trial.
I have learned that it is not all about me.
I learned too late….
Trust is not a part of my life.
Oh, I trust others plenty, never had a problem with it.
It is gone.
It is like the ash in my hands.
It’s ironic, in this latest marriage, that I have never lied to this wife; too the point where it was probably over done and cruel, perhaps.
The irony is that this wife has been accused by so many others of lying and deceitful behavior that I can no longer ignore it.
How can I?
Picture this: Me standing in the middle of a football field, the stands packed with hundreds of friends and family; even this wife’s friends and family, that I hardly know and they’re all screaming “Open your eyes, she’s using you!” and she’s standing there shaking her head and saying “They’re all out to get me”
There are charges of pill abuse, money abuse, cheating, lying and so forth.
For over 6 years!!!!!!!!
It’s so bad, it’s unbelievable!
I have caught her red handed in a fib several times!!!
Her best friend warned me of this the day I met this wife, then on the night of our wedding!
Of course I have noticed some things, and have had experiences of my own with her lying and keeping things from me.
But, I over-looked it.
I just didn’t give a shit, I reckon.
I didn’t care, that’s obvious now.
It wasn’t love blinding me…
My biggest concern?
I don’t want to be made a fool of….
TOO LATE, TREYDAWG!!!
Why worry so much about being a fool when you’re obviously already fucking stupid?
That’s my problem in a nutshell, pretty much.
I’m fucking stupid.
Now it’s beginning to make sense.
Here’s another thing that’s weird…
You see, I hate hypocrites. I don’t want to be one….
I don’t have a problem putting my short-comings out into the blogosphere and I never keep my heart on my sleeve anymore.
I am beyond that kind of pain.
I am third degree numb-belt.
I have changed, though and I remember how I was, back then…
I remember how hard I have tried to do better and show people that I will not be a defective product of my upbringing for the remainder of my life.
“There was a boy tending the sheep that would continually go up to the embankment and shout, ‘Help, there’s a wolf!’ The farmers would all come running only to find out that what the boy said was not true. Then one day there really was a wolf but when the boy shouted, they didn’t believe him and no one came to his aid. The whole flock and the boy was eaten by the wolf.”
The story shows that this is how liars are rewarded: even if they tell the truth, no one believes them.
I am no longer a liar, but I still smell like a wolf….
I trusted that my trust would be rewarded.
But the smoke is too thick to walk through, now.
I can dismiss one or two shouts of alarm, but basically everyone that she has met on my side of the family and people on her side are still shouting!
I can’t do it….
I don’t want to do it.
I don’t have to put up with it…
Is loss of trust the price I must pay to not die alone?
Is this a punishment from God to be married to the personification of my younger self?
Is this Karma telling me to fuck off?
Do I deserve this?
Should I just take it up the ass and say “It’s all my fault for how I was”?
I’m not in love.
I love her but I don’t trust her.
Is that even possible?
Am I wrong?
Am I a sheep in wolf’s clothing?
I’m not concerned about myself.
I could care less.
Seriously…I don’t feel anything!
….maybe I’m just crazy.
As a dormant alcoholic I am very practiced at avoiding pain.
Now, I can do it without booze or dope, though.
I can do it by wallowing in guilt and regrets.
Only constant doubt sprinkled with moments of intense misery.
What if I am wrong about her?
What if there IS a conspiracy against her?
What if everyone IS out to get her and force her husband out?
What if it IS all in my head?!!
What if it’s all true and she never really loved me….?
That’s the part that gets me…..
What if she lied about that?
I guess I just don’t want to deal with it.
I never wanted to get married in the first place.
I know how it always turns out.
For me, at least….
There’s just so many damn people screaming “FIRE!!!”
How can I ignore it?
I have seen love blind people and had pity on the poor, hapless, clueless bastards.
“Well, if they can’t see it then they deserve what they get”
“I ain’t wasting my breath, anymore; see if I try to help someone out, again”
What if I’m the blind person now?
What if I’m the poor, hapless, clueless bastard standing there in the smoke this time, burning…..AGAIN….STILL !!!???
I don’t know what to do….
I shouldn’t fuss too much, I guess.
I’m not blind, yet.
I’m not crippled, yet.
I have a job, for now.
It’s just a hitch in my giddy-up and a bump in the road.
I should be grateful for what I do have, right?
There are people on this earth that have it a whole lot worse than me….millions of people.
That just doesn’t make me feel better though…
Man, that’s hard when you’re a naturally selfish asshole.
I’ll work it out though.
That’s why I built this blog and have lots of “free therapists” that follow my lowly posts.
Thanks for listening folks….
I’ll pray about it too….
It helps, really.