I don’t think I wanna be human anymore.
I was doing a little research on a few different topics that came to mind that would, or might give me a dash of inspiration to help me write an interesting post about the celebration of Thanksgiving and the act of giving thanks when my “research” took an unexpected turn….
I had to find the gross scientific stuff that made me go “gag”….
I’m a relatively clean person….
I take showers…
I don’t pee on my fingers or toes…
I use baby wipes when I go poopy.
I wash my hands after I make stinky…..just in case.
I try to be hygienic but, evidently according to these “scientists” we are all a bunch of walking Petri dishes dipped in spit, shit, dead skin and bacteria.
….and that’s only on your tongues.
Humans are disgusting.
I mean; really, really disgusting.
“Babies are soo cute!”
Babies are gross….
They leak from everywhere!
Wait until they grow up….
I’m going to steal some of these facts I found, and post them here with some commentary or insightful smart assed remarks.
Don’t worry, I’ll post the freaking website at the end and give proper credit.
1) The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve zinc. It doesn’t destroy the stomach because the stomach walls constantly renew itself.
So….I guess my stomach acid can dissolve pennies and AA batteries…..INTERESTING
It “renews” itself? ….somewhat disturbing in an epicurean fashion.
Does this mean that there are little pieces of my stomach lining peeling off like old wall paper and falling into my stomach acid, where it is processed; bubbling and boiling (I can almost smell the pork rinds). Then after dissolving in my gut juice it will “osmosis” back into my body; so basically, when I am hungry that means I have a fresh new stomach lining because I’m no longer feeding myself, me….without knowing it!??
Is that why I burp when I haven’t eaten anything!!??
I’m burping BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING SELF CANNIBAL!!??? AND I LIKE EATING ME!!??
AM I FUCKING DELICIOUS!!???
Am I Al Dente’ OR Larousse Gastronomique!!???
Here’s a thought….
Would that mean that Pepto-Bismol or Mylanta is actually a marinade?
2) During your lifetime, you will produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools.
I don’t even know how to comment on this….
Enough spit to fill 2 swimming pools…
That’s just nasty…
3) After eating too much, your hearing is less sharp.
I knew there was a scientific explanation for why I have never heard anyone ask me to wash dishes or help clean up after a Thanksgiving feast….
“What honey!? I ate too much and I can’t hear you!”
“I don’t know why I answered you if I can’t hear you”
I can hear “Turkeys ready” but I can’t hear “Help Great Grandma to the potty” or “Save that last piece of Pumpkin Pie for the kids”
4) By age 60, most people will have lost half their taste buds.
Are you telling me they come off?
Where do they go then?
Into my stomach, where they are mixed with my stomach lining and I “absorb” them, too!!?
I didn’t want to know that!
Every time I freaking swallow from now on I’ll be thinking “Mmmmm, those taste buds must taste good but how will I know because I just fucking swallowed them!!!???”
“You have no taste, Trey”
“Yes I do, it’s in your hair…”
So, what they’re saying is that after I am 60 years old “That’s not half bad, honey” will actually be true?
That means I only have 9.5 years left to be a lying bastard….
5) A normal human being can survive 20 days without eating but can survive only 2 days without drinking.
Beer will save your life…..I knew it all along.
Beer is actually liquid salad.
6) Everyone has a unique smell, unique finger print and unique tongue print.
So, what they’re saying is that, if y’all stick your finger up my ass and then lick it, you’ll smell me for the truly unique and one of a kind man odor that I am….
To really…..get to know me in a personal and intimate way.
That would mean that everyone on earth is an asshole.
Because, that’s what happens when you stick your finger or tongue up someone’s ass….
It smells like ass!!!!
I ain’t doing it…
I’ll stick with a handshake and a background check, thank you very much!
I’ll never be able to watch a person lick their fingers at KFC again….
Thx, scientific people! Sometimes it’s better if you DON’T SHARE’ YOUR CRAZY SHIT WITH US!
All of a sudden I have a strong urge to trim my fingernails.
7) The human feet have 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of sweat a day.
Do you know how big a pint is?
Me neither, unless it’s the same as a pint of gin or vodka, then….
I will never drink a clear liquid again….
Hey! If you’re in a desert and dying of thirst, would you suck your socks to stay alive?
Nope….I’ll be a dead son of a bitch with nice breath and warm feet.
That’s the way I wanna go out.
Okay, one more, then I gotta go to bed, then wake up, drive 700 miles and deliver some frozen pies somewhere in Missouri.
8) Men have erections every hour to hour and a half during sleep. This is because the combination of blood circulation and testosterone production can cause erections during sleep and are a necessary part of REM sleep.
“I have a boner because it’s necessary for me to have proper rest”
“I have morning wood because it was time, it couldn’t be helped”
“Erections must only be allowed to “present” itself for less than 30 seconds, whereas all means available should be instituted into the deflation of said erection”
I have told you women followers of mine this, time and time again!!!
If we men don’t have sex first thing in the morning or when you bend over to check the turkey in the stove or get the clothes out of the dryer….we could DIE!!!”
I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!
Erections have nothing to do with blood, testosterone or REM sleep….
It is the dirty dreams that cause boners….
Me…Angelina, a monkey with a banjo and a banana peeling penguin wearing a top hat….
Oh yeah baby….
I bet you’d never figured that out about me you buncha ass-finger licking perverts!!!
If I don’t see you before Thx-Day…
Happy Thanksgiving, Y’all!
[Material stolen from: http://www.nairaland.com/1178211/40-amazing-facts-human-body%5D
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This … Just …. Uhg …