Cat Man Do

As I sit here on my Throne of Reflection looking at the perfection and intricacies of fake wood grain in our bathroom door, I….ponder life’s irony.

There is no toilet paper.


There are no baby wipes.

I have no socks on.

Sans, underwear.

I am a commando….

It is 4 am and I am alone.

I am helpless.

I am restrained by social more’s….

I consider this….

As I have said; I am by myself and I am paperless….

Yet, I am afraid.

One does not simply stand up and walk away from “the business” without the required tasks.

We are not animals…

Or are we?

What is stopping me from sliding to the floor and dragging my hiney across the carpet?

The dog does it and we just throw up our hands and say “Dirty dog!”

Then we forget about it, go pop some popcorn, then stretch out on the very same carpet to watch TV as the dirty dog walks over and licks your face.

Dirty humans….

I….ponder life and its wicked forks…

I sense someone staring at me.

I look around….

It is the cat.

He is in the corner of the bathroom, sitting in his box and he is staring at me.


He yawns, scratches around in the litter, steps from the box and returns to staring at me.

I know he’s mocking me….

The cat is an animal.

I am human, therefore, of higher intelligence.

A problem solving species…..

The dog is lying on the floor of the bathroom, his big eyes flitting between me and his nemesis.

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Dog is man’s best friend.

Cats are pagan Gods….

The cat rises and stretches his long, furry back.

My brain takes a fork in life….

The cat walks slowly toward me and begins to rub against my stranded leg.

The cat is purring….

I am human, I am a problem solver.

It’s just me, the dog….and the cat.

….and no toilet paper.

I am human and bigger than the cat.

It is a dark fork that I have taken and I should be ashamed.

But, who are we to question fate or destiny?

I will call PETA later in the morning and confess.

But right now….?

I am human….I am trapped.

At first the cat scratches and bites….and I jump around a little bit, surprised at his ferocity and perserverance.

Then….The cat screams and meows…resigned to his fate, his fork in the road of life.

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But I am stronger, and I have plenty of antibiotics and band-aids…

The dog has raised his head from the floor and watches in interest, his big, fluffy head cocked to one side.

The cat’s screams are muffled now….

I am sorry Mr. Cat; I can’t imagine what you’re going thru….

But, animals serve man; as companions and beasts of labor and toil….

God said so…It’s in the Bible.

I am human, I am a problem solver.

The cat has fled from my grasp and is back in his box…..violated.

Dirty deeds done dirt cheap….

It must be hell for a cat that can’t clean itself….

I wouldn’t know….

I shouldn’t be so selfish, next time.

I feel guilt…..I feel pity.


I am no longer trapped in the bathroom…

I am free!

The cat now lies luxuriantly in my wife’s lap as she watches TV.

She strokes him distractedly, frowns…smells her fingers and gently pushes the cat to the floor.

The cat is staring at me now….

I know, Mr. Cat….

I know….

But, I am human and cats are not.

3 thoughts on “Cat Man Do”

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