Final Resolve

How do you follow thru with New Year’s resolutions anyways?

I guess it depends on how badly you want to make changes in your life.

I mean, we can all change things at any time of the year; nothing’s stopping us.

But, I guess it’s more orderly or maybe more “superstitious” to start at the first of the year; kinda like a starting line.

I try and avoid the most prevalent, traditional resolutions like; losing weight, quitting smoking, cutting back on liquor or beer, or stopping altogether, donate more time and money to local charities, feed the hungry, house the homeless…blah blah….etc….etc.

You may have noticed something about me from my previous posts, if not; here is a quick recap:

Treyduhpedia

• I am a dormant alcoholic
• I struggle with organized religion and sometimes get mad at God.
• I am an over the road (OTR) truck driver…long haul and dedicated routes.
• I used to be a cop and a crook
• I used to be a jailer and an inmate.
• I used to be a dad but, now I am called the biological contributor.
• I used to be a disc jockey when we still had 45rpm vinyl platters. Now I only see them in antique stores.
• I have met John Wayne and came to Jesus.
• I have driven a race car, 180 mph at Talladega Motor Speedway and been arrested for driving drunk at 34 mph on an interstate.
• I have driven thru a rainbow and never seen the forest thru the trees.
• I’ve been married 4 times and still love women.
• I have 3 children that I know of….

Okay…

The biggest struggle that I have, honestly, is my struggles with God and religion.

I am almost obsessed with the status of my soul in God’s eyes.

The battles that I have waged throughout my life up to this point have almost been exclusively about my relationship with God and my worthiness as a human being.

I have always wanted to be a good man.

But, bad things happen to good people and sometimes good people do bad things.

My first ex-wife, we’ll call her Frodo, tells me that I am a good man, but I make bad decisions.

I use to argue that opinion, but as I have gotten older and reflect more on my life, I can’t dispute her summations.

No matter how much I want to and enjoy listening to her fuss…

This is my 50^th year on this earth.

It’s time to fix me.

It’s past time….

It’s a miracle of Physics and Improbability that I was even born as a human instead of an oyster.

But now that I’m here and have seen what I have seen; hoping to see more, there is only one thing that I can do….

Give up.

Poop or get off the pot.

Get off the fence.

Just do it.

I had a rough childhood, but lots of people have.

My childhood shaped me and has affected my growth as a person and had lasting damage throughout my life.

It made me what I am.

But I won’t let it define me any longer.

I won’t blame flawed people for my faults any more.

I forgive you all.

I forgive myself for being….human.

My New Year’s resolution, for the rest of my life, is that I will trust in God.

Bear with me…

I don’t see any other way to get thru this life with any real quality.

I have to hope that all this Jesus stuff people keep telling me about is true.

I know the Bible is true, as far as I can pray about what I’ve read; I must let the words explain themselves to me in a way that I can fathom.

I will not become a Jesus freak.

I will not become the type of scripture spouting psychopath that forces people to the other sidewalk to avoid walking past them.

I will pray in the dark.

Don’t worry, I won’t change my blog or my posting style and become an internet itinerant pastor.

Writing keeps me sober.

Writing keeps me sane.

Writing will bring me closer to the entity that I choose to call Heavenly Father.

I can only assume, that as I turn over my worries and questions to God, that my mind can only become quieter and more at ease.

I really don’t like writing about God or religion. I think it should be a highly personal thing.

But can I do it like it should be done?

Can I turn over control of my soul?

I am kind of a control freak, you know.

I’m really hoping that I can be obedient to the guidelines, requirements and covenants that my chosen religion has set forth as accepted scripture by revelation?

For some reason I find traditions and ritual observances comforting and important.

Man, I’ve gotta do this.

I know how I am and how I can get but, I have GOT TO change things.

I have got to get right with Jesus!

I have to let go and let God!

I have got to chill out and have faith that if I do the work, God will do the rest.

Or, at least I’ll feel better about myself.

It’s my only option.

I know my real weaknesses; I know my “demons”

I’ll just keep them to myself for now.

Maybe I’ll tell y’all about them sometime.

If you’re wondering what brought this up all of a sudden; No…I’m not dying….as far as I know.

Can I actually do this complete 180*?

Will I walk upright before God and man?

I don’t know….

The conflicts in my mind and heart are constant.

It can get quite noisy in there.

Y’all know what I mean.

“Be still…” says the 46^th Psalm

So…..I’ll be still.

Walk with me God and tell me some things about yourself and what you hope for me.

Tell me what I want to hear and why I can’t have everything I ask for.

Just….tell me the truth.

I’ll go pray in the dark and let God sort me out.

Dang, I feel better already.

I’ll just blame God when I fall short.

Hey, at least we’re talking again.