Racism & Me: 4


Let’s get right to it, shall we?

I have a step-daughter named Lisa and she is 15 years old.

She likes black boys:  PC version/ young African American males

So, what’s the big deal?

It makes me sick, and I don’t know why….

No, no…don’t yell at the screen and call me a racist asshole.

I’m trying to work thru this character flaw and writing about it helps me think in certain ways that I can’t do when I’m not writing
.
Most of you that write a lot; and seriously, will know EXACTLY what I mean.

I have no idea why this bothers me so much.

To be honest, it’s almost a pathological contempt.

First off;

I have friends of most racial backgrounds from all over the country and some parts of Europe and Asia.

Ever since I was a child, raised in Southern Georgia, I was taught that whites don’t mix with blacks.

At the same time I was learning to walk and drink from a cup, I was also being told not to trust blacks, eat with blacks, drink out of the same glass, loan them money and FOR DAMN SURE, don’t socialize with them.

Some of you from this part of the country, and during those times, will know what I mean.

Unfortunately, you probably heard it too…

I can’t tell you how often I have prayed to God, when he still listened to me, to forgive this hapless sinner and help me to be a better man as far as this all goes.

As I have grown and matured through my 50 years, somewhat, I have defeated most of my prejudices and know them to have been based on ignorance and hate.

But, for some “ungodly” reason I can’t stand when blacks and whites “mix”.

Now look….I’ve seen the children of these unions and most of them are beautiful; truly gorgeous children.

I also know that times have changed and that these kids don’t face nearly the hardships or levels of bias that the children of B&W mixed couples did back when, and where, I was growing up.

I’m sure they still get hassled some but, not like back then.

Kids are kids.

Brutal, little bastards.

Gay people don’t bother me, well…maybe just a little; but only because I was taught, and I know, that it is an unnatural act.

Okay, here’s a good example of what I was talking about earlier; about the writing making me think in different ways.

I can’t honestly say that I was taught that about gay people.

I didn’t know any.

Hell, I didn’t even know what gay meant!

I don’t think I met an actual gay person until I was in my late 20’s.

Remember when it came out that Rock Hudson was gay and had died from Aids?

That’s when I realized that there are real life gay people.

Can gay people really love each other, like “straight” people?

I can’t imagine how, because I’m not gay.

Sometimes I honestly believe that there is something wrong in their heads and that most of them do it to spit in society’s eye or to get back at mommy and daddy.

I can’t grasp the concept of gay people
.
Is that wrong?

Is that homophobic?

I don’t know. My heart tells me I’m wrong but my head says “Yuck”

I don’t hate gay people, I just don’t understand.

And, it seems that ever since I found out about gay people, I freaking see them everywhere!

They’re in my hair! They’re in my hair!

I see dead people….

Anywho…

Back to me being a racist asshole and a bigot.

Here is one way to put it, how much I can’t stand B&W mixing.

I’m being honest here, people.

This is how I make me a better man.

Now, pay attention….

I love Lisa.

We have had our ups and downs, as do a lot of kids and step-parents.

But, if she persists in continuing this “relationship” I will disown her.

Try and follow me…I’m gonna kinda bounce around and figure this crap out.

I love Lisa but, I don’t love anyone that much.

I will not be in the same house with that type of situation.

I know that my wife will choose her daughter over me.

I do not blame her; Lisa is her child.

I will not put her in a situation that she will have to make that choice.

If Lisa persists, I will leave.

I will divorce my wife if she allows it to impact my existence in any shape, form or fashion.

I don’t want to hear about it, know about it or even see evidence of it.

I WILL NOT BE AROUND IT!

Now, here’s the weird part:

Would I be this way if say, the boy was Mexican, Korean, Muslim or other assorted flavor?

……No, I wouldn’t.

And that’s what eats me up inside.

Would it bother me if she was a lesbian?

No, it wouldn’t.

So why in the hell does it only matter if they are B&W?

I have not the foggiest clue….

Can I blame it on being raised that way?

No, not really. I’ve changed my mind and character for a lot of things I was taught that were considered taboo in my family.

Why do gay men bother me and not gay women?

Why do I loathe white women that associate with black men?

Why does a white man and black woman couple not bother me?

Why would I love a grand-child from a mixed couple but not allow her parents in my house?

See….?

This is the kind of shit that drives me insane!

How to change a way of thinking that is as much a part of me as my nose…

Is it wrong for 2 men to lie together?

Yes, I believe it is.

Is it wrong for races to mix?

The bible says so but, it says a lot of things; things depending on translation and one’s serious contemplation thru prayer, study and personal revelations.

Jan. 8, 2015

Okay…

I’ve thought about it some more since yesterday.

This writing stuff really brings things out into the open for me and lets me see them from the inside.

My mind is like a Rubik’s cube that I can only get 3 sides complete but, no more.

It’s puzzling….; )

I wouldn’t divorce my wife…

That would be callous and unfair; selfish and cruel.

But, I still wouldn’t be in the same house with Lisa and her possible “beau”.

I wouldn’t keep her away from her mother and I wouldn’t be rude if I met them on the street or in the grocery store but, it would make me uncomfortable to be near them in my house.

I can’t help it.

I’ve been thinking about this hard thru last night and today,  and have been over the years when certain instances arose that reminds me of my quandary.

I have decided that change will come for me; gradually….baby steps.

I will be polite but, that doesn’t mean I have to accept it or tolerate it.

People have to be considerate of other people that don’t agree with their life choices and actions.

[Possible conversation]

“Are we going over to your Mom’s house, Lisa?”

“Yeah but, I have to call her and let her know when we’ll be there because Trey doesn’t like being there when we are and he won’t come back until we leave.”

“Why’s he gotta be like that!?”

“He told me he doesn’t know why he’s like that; he just is”

“That’s stupid!”

“He’s the first to admit that and he would agree with you but, it still doesn’t change anything”

“It don’t make no sense”

“Nope but, he loves watching the baby and she loves her some Grandpa!”

See what I mean?

Do I wanna be that guy for the rest of my life?

Do I want to be more accepting to others way of life?

Why do I have to be?  

Why can’t they be more accepting of my racial bias?

Okay; seriously; bottom line for the day:

I am really trying to work thru things in my life this New Year, and there are quite a few “quirks” that I would like to either, eliminate altogether or refine and reconfigure.

That’s one of the meanings of life, ain’t it?

Improve yourself as a person and learn to live happily….

Love your fellow man.

I have a long way to go.

I have many character flaws to work thru.

My one saving grace is that I have the ability to be mindful of others feelings and I keep my opinions to myself.

I’ll probably work thru it because I keep trying to.

If I wasn’t interested in becoming a better man why would I keep trying?

I’m not perfect but, I hope to get as close as humanly possible.

Like I said; I will keep trying….

I ain’t gonna like it but, I’ll keep trying.

Maybe, just maybe…God will start listening to me again.

6 thoughts on “Racism & Me: 4”

  1. It’s hard, oh, man, it’s hard to overcome basic biases that one inherits. I give you full marks for trying to overcome your prejudices. Because I was raised in a show business family, gays (this was years before they were called that) were just people; so were black entertainers. Sometimes, I think that if we could just close our eyes to outward appearances and concentrate on the person’s essence and personality, we could accept people for who they are, not “what” they are. Take them one at a time, as individuals, not as a group. I hope you can resolve this situation with your step-daughter. Love is love, no matter what shape or color it is.

    1. Aren’t we all, works in progress? It’s a a constant evolution for me. As long as I keep caring how I turn out, or become content with myself as a man, my sojourn hath not been for naught nor tary.

  2. I don’t really understand your quandary but guess it does go back to your upbringing. The nearest I can think on by comparison is that, in all incidences here, of bigotry or racism there is fear of the unknown or the perceived. Some of it has been proven justified at different times in historical context. For, example, Protestants and Catholics intermarrying was a big no back in my mum’s day. Both sides frowned on it seeing only trouble ahead and a real aversion to the ‘other side’. And there were problems. Wrought mainly by ignorance.
    When it came down to individuals, it was just two people in love. So long as they didn’t hold to archaic prejudices they were bound to be ok. It’s like the whole Israeli/Palestinian fiasco. Individuals are falling in love, and have been for years, across all boundaries, declaring now more openly that they will not be party to prejudices that seek to divide, wittingly or not.
    I have two gay children – one of each – and I couldn’t love them more or less than any of the other five. They are marvellous people. All of them. Was I comfortable with their disclosure? I wasn’t uncomfortable. I was worried for them that they would encounter prejudice and hatred and that their lives would be made harder because of who they are. Not a choice. Who they are.
    Black, white, lesbian, gay, Protestant, Catholic, Yankee, Irish. I don’t give a shit.
    I see one person at a time. Generalisations and inherited prejudices will be the death knell of our civilisation if we follow them as a rule and follow through on gut reactions born of ignorance.
    I think you are ok, Trey, that you are even questioning what you have long held as belief. Even within this post you have had second thoughts to your own visceral reaction.
    Maybe just see one person with one person and shut your eyes to colour/creed/nationality and/or sexual orientation.
    All Jock Tamson’s bairns in the end. All of us.
    You’ve come a long way in your own travels from back when you were told how to feel and react. You’ll keep doing that. We all have to. It’s evolution at its best. And the strong survive. People oppressed become strong.

  3. At least you have started your journey by facing it full on. Writing it down makes it even more clear. I hope you can overcome this challenge. Your daughter is race-blind, even gender blind. She belongs to a generation that is far more accepting and it comes naturally, just like browsing on the Internet or tweeting is for them. I hope your love for her and your wife will help you.

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