Big Bully

So…

I’m lying there on the ground and God is sitting on my chest,

He has my arms pinned down with his knees and he’s hanging spit just above my right eye!

“Ger’ off!!” I gasp

God slurps the loogie back into his mouth and grins.

I try to twist my shoulders and arch my back to throw him off but, he’s pretty strong……He doesn’t budge.

“Whaadayou  want!?” I gasp, again.

God sits back on my stomach and looks down at me, that shit eating grin still spread across his face.

“Say you love Jesus” he said.

“No!” I gasp “This is dumb!”

“Say you love Jesus” He says again, then slowly smacks me on my cheek with his hand.

“NO!” I gasp, more.

“Say you love Jesus” He says again, then slowly, repetively smacks me on my cheek with his hand., like my face is a big glob of pizza dough.

“Ger’off!”  I gasp

My head tosses side to side, my back arches, my shoulders twisting, my knees trying to punch him in the back….Good lord, he’s heavy!

Smack….smack….smack

“Ger’off!”

“Say you love Jesus” He says again; this time in a sing song voice.

Smack….smack….smack

“No! This ain’t….fair!” I holler.

God stops smacking me.

“Fair?” he says “You think I’m being unfair?”

“Uh, duh, you’re holding me down against my will!” I gasp, again.

Smack….smack….smack

“Say you love Jesus!” He sings; making a smoochie face, 1 inch from my face!

“Nooooo!” I scream back in his face.

God leans back on my stomach, his hands on his knees…..looking down at me.

Then, he grins and starts to tickle me.

He starts the torture just below my top ribs and works his fingers, up and down as if  though I am his favorite piano.

That stupid ass grin is pissing me off!

But, I can’t see very good because I am trying not to laugh and curse God at the same time.

Tickling does that.

The only time that pre-meditated murderous intent and involuntary urination coexist …

“Say you love Jesus” He shouts!

“You say it first!” I scream back

 

“SAY IT, FAT BOY!!!!” God shouts, his voice like thunder.

“OKAY! OKAY!” I shriek!  “JUST STOP TICKLING ME!!”

God stops tickling me and settles back on my stomach.

There’s that grin again….

I see my chance.

I throw out and punch God in the ribs, simultaneously kicking up my knees into his back and twisting my body; throwing him off me.

God rolls right as I roll left onto my feet, breaking into a run!

I’m running as fast as I can, mocking God “Say you love Jesus! Say you love Jesus!”

I take a quick look over my shoulder and see that God isn’t chasing me.

He’s just standing there…..

I stop and turn around, kneeling over wtih my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath.

Looking back at God I say “What’s the matter, old man? Too fast for ya?”

“No” says God.

“Give up?” I gasp

“No” says God.

I stand up slowly, stretching my back “Then what are you waiting for?” I ask

“I knew you’d stop” says He. “You can only run for so long”

I look at God….

God looks at me….

“Say you love Me” I say.

“I love you” says God.

I grin and say “Then, I love Jesus”

God smiles and looks past me, jerks his chin up and says “Tell him”

As I turn around, Jesus jumps me, throwing me to the ground and pounces on my chest!

“Say you love God” Jesus says, the loogie hanging from his lip just above my right eye.

Man, these guys just won’t quit.

BUT I AIN’T SAYING IT!!!

NOOOO!! DON’T TICKLE MY FEET!!!!