Monthly post on my dormant alcoholism;
Fulfilling New Years resolution #5
#5) Stay Sober
This is one of the main reasons I started this blog.
I am going to try and express, try and explain; and hopefully understand, for myself; the darkest part of me that is, by all accounts; as unexplainable to me as it has been to other people in my life over the years.
Why and how I became, and continue to be an alcoholic.
I am dormant at this moment.
First off, I don’t know how it happened in the beginning.
I still don’t know why it continues.
I notice that I am pausing between words as I write this.
I am thinking; how I can express my thoughts to the people that are dear to me and others; who are just curious about my alcoholism and why I was such a selfish prick.
I feel like I need to explain…or make excuses for the people that; thank God, or whatever “HIGHER POWER” they adhere to, have NO CLUE; what it is to be so…weak?
Oh….before I go any further, I wanna get one thing straight…eh hmmm….
[whispering] Hey, fellow alcoholics….it is your fault.
An alcoholic mind….?
Let me tell you what I think of myself, at this time.
I am sober now.
I have been for some time.
My mind is clear for the moment, so nothing is diluted by my “cups”.
These are things I know about myself:
I am a good person.
I worry about children, homeless people, the world, the government, and the future….pretty much the same as everyone else.
I give to charities; I put money into every jar or cup in every store I go into that asks for donations for every possible calamity that has befallen a local in the particular town I am in.
I am an American…therefore my guilt over being more fortunate at the time than others keeps me happy…not ashamed that every once in a while I try and do everything possible to eventually kill myself.
It is my right as an American….
I am a good person…and I have lost every familial relationship I have ever had.
I have no real friends…no best friend.
I have no one that is generally, truly concerned for my welfare.
The only people I know well, to some extent, I am related too.
I am the crazy uncle…the goofy cousin…the fun visitor…a father whose children do not talk to him.
The only time I hear from anyone is when they happen to think “I wonder if Trey is dead yet?”
The sorry thing is…I can’t blame them.
I don’t blame them.
We alcoholics, we /I are a guilt-trodden lot.
We/I have tremendous regrets.
We/I have apologies and explanations out the ass.
We/I have things wrong in our heads that We/I cannot POSSIBLY explain.
We/I are selfish, self-centered, narcissistic, self-absorbed or, what’s a good way to say it?
Here’s my question to people who wonder about me:
“You actually think I like being this way?”
I don’t think I do.
I hope I don’t.
I don’t like walking around hitting myself on the head with a tack hammer, but it fits…..
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?
Do I feel insane?
Only when I come out of a spree wondering “How in the hell did this happen… again?”
“Where am I?”
“Where’s my wallet?”
“Why am I in jail?”
“Oh my God, I can’t even die, right…..”
That’s, when I feel insane.
I think I am reasonably informed on certain things.
It’s known that most alcoholics and addictive personalities tend to be of above average intelligence.
The whole ‘bat shit crazy’ ruins that ego boost…
I investigate anything I am interested in to a fault.
I become obsessed about any certain subject at any time.
I have to learn everything about it; to know it.
I love learning!
The only problem is that I haven’t learned shit about anything that matters in real life!!
It goes without saying, that with all the rehabs I have PUT myself through…doctors, therapists, Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and the tons of information through books, online forums, websites dedicated to any type of addictive attitudes, and Google searches; I have no more of an idea of why I do what I do, or have done, than the man in the moon.
But, I can tell you everything there is to know about alcoholism, symptoms…treatments, the founders of AA, alternative “cures”…I know the 12 steps of AA by heart, I have sobriety badges in all forms…from 1 day to 1 year…..
I can’t tell you…or me…why I do what I do?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENS TO ME!
I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I AM THIS WAY!
I DO NOT LIKE BEING THIS WAY!!
I DO…KNOW BETTER!!
But…I can’t seem to stop it.
I live in fear it will happen again…like being a redneck, Dr. Jekyll.
It’s terrifying for me to know with a certainty, that it is not “if” it will happen
I do, try and keep myself out of situations that could lead to a recurrence.
I know warning flags when I see them.
I can see down a bumpy road.
I can see a bad moon a’rising…..
Oh….by the way, there’s no such thing as a relapse.
Those of us in the pursuit of self destruction like to call it “weakness”
I no longer drink and drive.
Like I said; I got a DUI about 11 years ago; but that was for medicine I had been given at Rehab for detoxing and weaning me off of alcohol.
Ironic, ain’t it?
I was driving 35 miles an hour down the interstate.
I didn’t kill anybody, thank god!!
Back when it was bad….
I’d come to; see all the empty bottles and cans around me…..
The torment and sense of failure would wash over me like a blanket.
The regret and hopelessness rose like poison in my throat.
The feeling of being out of control and lost is a terrible thing……
I remember walking down a muddy river bank on a very humid day; 1995.
I had my belt wrapped around a bible and a shirt, hobo style.
I had on blue jeans, tennis shoes and not a dime to my name.
My sweat smelled like liquor and my mouth tasted like puke.
My children were 2000 miles away and I was a bastard.
In that moment…?
Suicide would have been repentance and amends….
An escape to where?
“I gotta get outta this place, I can’t deal with this shit!”
If only I had had the courage…..
If I had given a shit, I should have killed myself to spare my family anymore pain…
That’ll teach ‘em….
Think about that, for a second.
In our warped, soaked thinking we consider killing ourselves a righteous and virtuous act; it’s more for serving ourselves, of course; not for the
people around us.
We alcoholics are selfish.
We don’t care what you think.
We don’t care what you do.
We don’t care if you cry, we don’t cry if your checks bounce, we don’t care if your black eye takes a week to heal or if the kids have to eat
Cheerio’s for a week….
We say we don’t even care about ourselves, that our life sux.
Oh….my dear fellow addicts and alcoholics….
You know what I’m saying, don’t you?
You have been to the darkness and seen your face as it truly is…
I have and I believe that is what keeps me sober, as of now.
I saw….something in the darkness.
It wasn’t me.
I quit being an enabler to myself.
I got off the pity potty and realized that yes, it is ALL ABOUT ME.
I found out that I was doing it to myself.
I guess we’re not as perfect as we think we are.
So tormented….so misunderstood….so, lonely.
Tough love here, people….
Grow the fuck up and live.
It is the worse feeling in the world to take responsibility for your actions, especially after you accept the fact that you did it to yourself in
the first place and it could have been avoided.
So…why did I do it; why do you do it?
I don’t know why it happened to me……
I have no fucking clue.
Do y’all have a fucking clue how it happened, or should I rephrase it by asking “How did it start?”
More like this….”When did y’all get too scared to move?”
I believe in God, most days.
I have a simple faith in him and the basic goodness of man.
I am grateful to have my life and the free agency to make my own decisions, good or bad.
I am so very blessed, in so many things, that I give thanks for them all.
But like most addicts and drunks I wonder; is there a part of me that is evil?
Is alcoholism evil?
I don’t want to be evil.
Alcoholism IS A DISEASE.
It has symptoms.
It has characteristics that mirror each other consistently over many different cases…millions of cases.
No one has a definite idea why it is prevalent in some and not in others.
Some people are “carriers”, able to lead a productive life and raise families while hopelessly drunk (I know some of these people…grandmas).
Some are terminal, die in no time at all.
There are acute cases, there are chronic cases.
It is a disease.
That much I am sure of… convinced of.
Do I have the disease?
I don’t feel like I do.
Not now at least…..
I am the catalyst for my “disease”.
The human wreckage and carnage that I have contributed to or been the cause of these many years to myself and others, has proven to me, without a doubt, that there is or was; at that terrible time, something very wrong with me.
There have been times (several times) I have been in a motel room for days…drunk.
I remember going to church drunk off my ass.
I remember walking away from apartments or houses, that were mine…leaving everything in them I had bought; getting drunk…ending up in a different
state somehow and never going back to reclaim my stuff.
I remember donating plasma…to buy liquor or beer.
I remember waking up in a ditch, the morning after payday, drunk and broke.
I remember filtering out ashes and cigarettes from half empty bottles and cans to have something to stop the trembling in my hands and body.
I remember not seeing my kids because I’d start drinking at 8 in the morning for hell sakes!!
GOD, I WAS AN ASSHOLE!!!
That’s not normal!!!
That ain’t right!!
The worst part…the terrible part, is what I don’t remember.
Maybe its best that way…I don’t know.
I have lost so much.
…….my own fault.
THAT…is the worst of all.
The kick in the gut….
I can’t explain it.
I can’t explain why.
I am sober now.
I am making myself sad and angry and just plain sick writing this.
Can I stop it?
God, I hope so…..
I am trying so hard to stay sober.
I can’t go back to that….
I will add more later; I’m sad now.
Will I defeat this disease?
I have no fucking clue…and that scares the shit outta me.