Morning Wood

Oh, I’m sorry honey…


I didn’t wake you up, did I?

How can my staring at you, wake you up?

No, I didn’t stick my finger in your nose….

You were asleep; I can stare at you if I want to.

I know, I’m a mean husband and your mother is right and you deserve better….

Poor baby…so sleepy and fussy in the morning.

Listen to me, now.

I want to tell you something very important, so just hear me out.

I just had to….I HAVE to tell you.

I have a confession, of sorts.

No, I don’t have a girlfriend; now stop it and pay attention…

It just popped into my head that I don’t have the foggiest idea when I fell in love with you.

Don’t hit me….I’m being serious.

I know that I must have at one time because it seems like I’ve always loved you.

No, listen…let me finish.

I can’t seem to recall why I fell in love with you, exactly.

I know you remember, you remember everything….

Well, except for how long the oil light has been flashing in the car.

Pay attention, Wife type person!

My memory is so full of reasons now I can’t put my finger on the first….

No, don’t get up, honey…I’m not being silly and I don’t want anything.

When I woke up, I just turned over to steal my pillow back and something caught my eye.

The morning sun and breeze were blowing the curtain around a little bit and it was messing your hair up and that gaping maw you call your mouth was wide open and you were snoring and gronking to beat the band.

You are breath-taking…..perfect.

I just stared at you for a minute or two wondering how many spiders or bed bugs had been sucked into that vortex and met their doom when I was hit by a sudden thought…

No, I haven’t seen any spiders….

What’s that in your hair? Oh my God!


Don’t interrupt me, honey. I’m being romantic….

(sloppy kiss on nose)

Yes, I’m horny; it’s morning time, I can’t help it if us guys always get randy in the a.m….

But that’s not why I’m telling you this.

Listen to me, you’re making fun and I’m being serious, dammit!!

Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted… …

I was watching you swill your spit and bubbles, an attractive sight; let me tell you. When all of a sudden I thought “I love you so much”

Then, I couldn’t think of a single reason why I do…

No, quit acting crazy….

Yes, I love you forever and you are a wonderful person…..

Now, shut up and listen to me before I punch you in the boob.

I think I have reached a point in my life that I love you so much that there is no reason for it.

I just…have to.

It’s like taking a breath or blinking or pooping…

I know…..I am romantic, ain’t I…

Yes, you are a very lucky woman; now, can I continue?

Thank you, your highness….

It amazes me that even though we’ve been married 10 years and you’re getting all wrinkled and used up that you still look the same to me as you did when you were 17…

I know I’m not a prized bull anymore, either; but this isn’t about me.

My point is, is that I still find you beautiful.

Don’t blush woman, it makes the pillow lines on your face stand out….


If you don’t quit tickling me and let me finish my love stuff, I’m never going to speak to you again…

Good girl….

I thought “How great is it that a person can love someone so much that they have no idea why…not just to love them for loves sake, but to be IN LOVE with them.

No, I’m not in love with “them” I’m in love with you; now quit being a turd and pay attention…

Yes, yes I have so many other women…it’s just that you are high maintenance and take up all of my time…

Oh my god, woman; if you don’t quit tickling me, I swear to God I’m gonna call your kids in here and make them get in bed with you…and watch SpongeBob.

That’s what I thought….

Yes, I am a cruel husband…yes, I know that you deserve better….and yes, that pillow makes your butt look big…

Hold on a second, see what you did with all that tickling!?

Now, I gotta go pee! You’re messing up my love stuff!

(1 minute later)

Can I have my part of the blanket back?

No, taking back my side of MY blanket and pillow is not considered rape….

Thank you, yes; you are a gracious wife and I am not worthy…

What was I saying again?

Oh, yeah…that I love you and crap.

Wait, I just thought of something else….

Why do all of your kids look like you?

Yes, I know I helped make them and they are my kids too, but none of them look like me, haven’t you ever noticed that?

Okay, I guess that is a good thing, if you say so….

I’m not gonna tell you anymore love stuff, just for that….

(Tickle Tickle)


(Tickle Tickle)


Yes, I am powerless under your fingers….yes, you are the master….

You just wait…

I’m gonna trap you under the blankets when you least expect it, and fart!

Don’t scrunch up your face; I hope your kids are in here when I do; get the whole lot of you at one shot…and that stupid ass dog!

I swear I’m gonna kill that dog, one day….

No, honey…I’m not gonna kill your dog or damage your kid’s brains…

Can I finish telling you how much I love you, now?


Give me my pillow back and I’ll tell you…

Thank you…..

Yes, you are a wonderful and giving person….and yes, I do not deserve you..

If you’re finished with my critique, Here are the reasons I dig you so much.


I miss you when you walk out of the room.


I think about your food before I think about mine…

Stop it, I’m being romantic!


I dream about you, when you’re asleep next to me. Evidently I can’t get enough of your aggravating, tickling ass in reality that I gotta have you in my dreams….

I swear to God!

No, most of them ain’t dirty…God, you’re such a pervert….


When I hear you tell strangers that I am your husband, I am so proud!

I guess that’s my favorite thing; when you tell people that I am your husband, I wanna cry…

No, I promise I won’t cry in public.

You’re so mean…

Quit giggling!

Stop tickling me!!

Kids! Your mother wants you to come here for a second!!!

No, I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen!

Listen, honey…before your kids get in here.

Look at me…

(Gaze to gaze….fingertips to cheek….lips lightly brushing)

(Whispering into eyeball)

I fucking love your ass…

“Gross! They’re smooching!!!”

(Squeals, leaping bodies and flying pillows)

….and that damn dog.

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