Ded Man

I have the flu, or I’m “having” the flu.

I haven’t had the flu in over 40 years!

I NEVER get sick unless it’s self induced by bad social habits.

But, after I turned 50 years old, my genetic super-powers appear to have begun waning.

It’s not too bad quite yet, that’s why I wanted to make a quick record before my passing.

I am a dude.

Dudes do not make good sick people.

My wife is 200 miles away and I am lying in my truck waiting for Deaths cool hand on my forehead.

At this moment, there is a large, invisible drill bit boring into my skull just above my right temple.

There are frequent booty burps and gasping stomach cramps.

I’m going down fast…. And hard.

Here’s my report, before I lose consciousness.

Trey’s Flu Progression (or decent into hell)
1) Feeling… Off kilter. Like a slight caffeine buzz without the euphoria. More like… Shit.

2) Flushed face, heartbeat in left eyeball… Shit.

3) Head no longer connected to body

4) Mouth tastes like a litter box with puke in it with a side of SHIT!

5) Pink elephants

6) Sudden desire to repent and confess sins.

7) “Is that you Ma, it’s so dark”

8) Very grateful for cool side of pillow; weeping.

9) God hates me

10) Is it possible to kill myself with Thera-flu and ramming the thermometer into my ear…

11) “Win it for the Gipper, guys”

12) Stabbing, clawing body aches that make me say “Christ” or “Jesu’Christos” or “Holy shit, what was that?!”

13) Why is God trying to kill me?

14) Pepto-Bismol is a lie!!

15) Shoulda robbed a bank while I had a chance…

Newest Sensation:
A}  Stabbing stomach pangs
B} Chills

P. S: I feel like shit. But hey, only 45 more hours of wretchedness and throat ripping dry heaves