The Invisible Man

I am invisible.

It’s not how you thought it would be, trust me.

All I did was wish on a shooting star.

“I’d like to be invisible for real, instead of in everyone else’s opinion”

So…poof!

There I was, invisible….all of a sudden.

I could see me but no one else could.

I know this because after I made my wish and watched in disappointment as the shooting star fell from heaven and fade away “Figures” I sighed….I was making my way back up to our house from the backyard when my wife had come to the door and was calling for me to come in “It’s freezing out there you big dummy, Ha Ha Ha!”

“I’m coming” I replied, trudging up the steps, not 5 feet from her.

“Where are you?” her laugh had faded and she was looking past me, over my shoulder.

I looked over my shoulder in the direction she was looking; then, back to her.

“What are you looking at?” I asked.

Her face was puzzled, y’all know that look.

“How’s he doing that?” she said as she turned back into the house, shutting the door.

I stood there, dumbstruck. What in the hell was she playing at?!

I had seen something in her face that scared me a little. Y’all know that feeling….

I opened the door “What the hell, honey!?” I said.

My wife was already standing there staring at the door as I opened it behind her, stepping into the muddy boot room. She was looking at the door….made a face like “Damn door” and took a step toward me reaching out as if though to shake my hand.

Her hand hit me right above the belt….

I heard her knuckle pop.

There are some reactions in this world a person cannot explain.

There are instances in our lives that we cannot express except in tears, laughter, screams or heart-attacks.

My wife had all of these reactions in the space of one second.

I had no idea what in the hell was going on.

She snatched her hand back as if shocked…..which she was, I guess….metaphorically speaking.

“What are you doing?” I said “You almost punched me in the balls, Ha Ha Ha!”

I turned around and shut the door, then, not thinking about it; because I’ve done it a million times, I kicked off my boots into the corner where all of our dirty boots and kids jackets go.

“Did you hurt your fin…” I started to say, until she screamed.

I screamed back “What the hell is your problem, woman; you’re freaking me out!”

Then….my wife of 20 years ran from me….as I just stood there, gaping maw and all….

“What the hell are you freaking out about!?” I shouted at her retreating back, then shaking my head as I started to follow her into the living-room from whence she was fleeing at that moment.

Y’all know how y’all follow people from room to room when they’re acting crazy and they won’t answer any of your questions or accusations….

Yeah, like that. You just keep talking and shouting at their disappearing and reappearing back and getting the occasional dismissive wave of a hand over their shoulder, a grunt or an “Asshole”…..

I hate it when she does that, and she knows it!

I slowed chasing her….trying to cut thru the kitchen to head her off in her seemingly frenzied state.

What the hell….?

“Hey, big guy, you know you’re invisible, right” a voice said from my right.

I stopped the pursuit of my dashing, disappearing spouse and looked in the direction of the voice; who in the hell…?

You may not believe this, and I swear to God it’s true, but my cat was talking to me….

I stared, he stared…

I cocked my head, he cocked his head…

I stared, and he shook his head and sighed “God….” And then he got up, walked like cats do, and sat down in front of the hall mirror.

I looked at him….He looked at me.

The cat wearily shook his head again.

“Look in the mirror, big guy” he said, flopping onto his side.

Y’all know how cats flop when we bore them….

I stared at the cat…..he stared at our….hell, I don’t know what he was staring at.

Do you know how long it takes before you realize that you can’t see your reflection in the mirror?

I’ll tell you.

….it takes forever.

Stay with this thought for a minute….

You can’t see yourself in a mirror.

You look around yourself….

Yep, there’s the couch, the chair, the TV….the dog and the pictures on the wall….there’s the toy on the floor right next to your foot. You can see the toy in the mirror but you can’t see your foot.

You kick the toy….

The toy rolls across the floor but, you can’t see the “toy kicker” in the mirror.

“Lord…” says the cat, flopping over onto his other side, turning his back to me and looking into the mirror, straight on.

I can see his eyes reflecting back at me from the mirror, his tail thumping the floor like a metronome.

Y’all know how cats keep time….

“Is it nice in Crazyville?” asked the cat

“I…uh…what….shit…omg….who th…..fuc…me…..Jesus chr….what….Honey!….wtf…..I….who…?!!”

The cat looked back at me….blinked like cats do….and said….”You people amaze me…”

I emphasized my point “I…uh…what….shit…omg….who th…..fuc…me…..Jesus chr….what….Honey!….wtf…..I….who…?!!”

The cat blinked and thumped his tail on the floor…..again; y’all know how they blink and thump at us….

I saw something move from the corner of my eye and looked…

My wife was peering around the edge of the kitchen door….

She whispered “Honey, stop, you’re scaring me, where are you, stop…” nervous giggle….

Her face was white as a sheet and her knuckles were red from squeezing the door frame.

I started to say something back to her but the cat said “I wouldn’t say anything “

I saw my wife glance at her cat when she heard this “Where’s daddy hiding, Baby?” she asked, a nervous, quick glance around the room.

“He’s freaking out” shouted the cat “Just like you” the cat laughed….flopped over again and looked back at me from the mirror.

Y’all know how cats flop…

“This is awesome” said the cat.

I asked the cat…..“I…uh…what….shit…omg….who th…..fuc…me…..Jesus chr….what….Honey!….wtf…..I….who…?!!”

“God….” sighed the cat.

My lovely wife heard my voice; her eyes flew open and she ran shrieking from the doorway screaming “Stop it, honey! How‘re you doing that!?” I could hear doors slamming up and down the hall….

The cat was laughing again…

“I don’t think she’s gonna find you!!” roaring cat guffaws….

The cat yelled “Paul!! Come here Paul! You gotta see this!” Then laughed louder at his own wit “If you can, you big stupid ass!”

It didn’t register who the cat was hailing for a second until I saw our big Labrador Retriever peek around the door and looked into the room…

Paul said “What?” looking at the cat as if it was a terrible burden.

“Look at the big guy!” said the cat.

“What…?” said Paul turning his head toward me.

He looked at me; he was chewing on something…..He looked bored.

“What?” asked Paul, looking me up and down….”What?”

The cat sighed and flopped back over to look directly at me and Paul and said “Mom can’t see him”

Paul blinked “What?”

The cat stared at Paul in amazement.

Y’all know how cats look at the dog when they’re being….dogs.

The cat looked at me and said ”You should mind your wishes better, shooting stars are nothing to screw around with”

“I…uh…what….shit…omg….who th…..fuc…me…..Jesus chr….what….Honey!….wtf…..I….who…?!!” I retorted in indignation and retortion.

The cat just stared at me….

“Amazing….”he said.

Paul said “What?”

“I don’t even know why I hang out with you guys” said the cat.

“Good thing you didn’t wish you were ten feet tall and bullet proof, or that you had a pecker the size of King Kong, like you usually do, constantly!!” roared the cat, howling with laughter, so to say….

Doors banging….”Honey! Stop it! Where are you?! You’re scaring me!”

Paul looked over his shoulder down the hallway toward my wife’s voice and shouted “He’s in here, crazy woman!”

Paul shook his head, looked back at me then looked at the cat.

The cat said, shaking ITS head again and in a very slow, deliberate, special needs classroom voice said to Paul “He made a wish on a shooting star that he could be invisible”

Paul said “What?”

“He was feeling sorry for himself, again!” said the cat in MORE special needs classroom voice.

Paul looked at me….looked down the hallway to where my wife was still banging doors and looking for me god knows where, then at the cat….hesitated….then looked at me again.

He had stopped chewing, I noticed.

Realization dawned like a dog fart….

“Oh shit…” said Paul.

“Eureka! Hallelujah!” cried the cat!