I have little to complain about.
I am like most people, I guess.
The only thing is…..is that I’m not happy.
I’m not satisfied.
I am unfulfilled.
It’s not about my marriage or anything like that….
I don’t care about being rich.
I’ve had a taste of wealth and yes, it was fleeting and terrible.
You know something; and I haven’t told anyone this until now but, I actually called a monastery a short while back and inquired on the possibility of me volunteering for a year, to live there, meditate, rest, be away from the world….
And I’m married!!! And have a job! I was just gonna go, disappear for a year, run off to a monk retreat….even thought about hiking the Appalachian Trail, for hells sake!
The only catch to living with the friars was that I had to be a Catholic.
I don’t have a problem with Catholics but, that was kind of impossible.
I’m a terrible Mormon but, there ya go.
Did you know that my dream job is to be the director of a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen?
I coulda been uh contenduh….
Ever since I joined the LDS Church at 19 years old, on August 11, 1984; it has been a disaster.
All. My. Fault.
Nothing to do with the church, mind you.
They’ve kept me alive……
I bloomed from a fledgling alcoholic to a full grown lush.
I went from a dabbler of mind altering substances to the most dedicated of researchers and travelers.
I went from being a married man, a police officer, a college student, a father…….to…..
I lost it all.
I was lost.
I was homelesss.
I slept in shelters, trash bins, deserted boats, abandoned cars, baseball dugouts….and I’ve dug thru dumpsters behind Pizza Hut and Subway…
I donated plasma for money.
$25 a pop, twice a week.
I walked and walked and walked and walked around the city of Salt Lake City because I had no where else to go.
I walked around the LDS Church head quarters.
I sat in the LDS Geneology Library for hours and hours; because I had no where else to go.
I walked and walked and walked and walked thru the LDS Historical Museum for hours, days, weeks, months….
….because I had no where else to go.
I walked up to the LDS Temple and put my hand on the cold, strong, hand-cut granite stones.
….trying to feel……..something………….anything.
I have stood there by the mirror pool and cried like a baby because I had no where else to go.
I sat watching movies in the Temple visitors theatre and cried in the dark because I had no where else to go.
….right there, next to the Temple of the Lord………no one heard the wailing man.
No one that walked by me knew what was going on in my mind and heart.
No one that saw me sitting by a tree next to that pioneer hand-made, beautiful Temple that I was in my own self-made torment.
I was living in a personal hell on consecrated ground.
I didn’t even know what was happening to me….it was just a spiral…..down, down….down…..
Tomorrow….I have decided that I will be a different man.
I keep thinking that something is wrong with me…in my head, I mean.
I don’t know if it’s an insecurity thing, a child abuse thing, a learned trait, or an honest character flaw.
I’m wishy washy, I have a small attention span unless it’s writing or drawing.
I lose interest in things quickly, unless it’s writing or drawing.
I do have a conscience.
I do follow rules and respect the law.
I hold open doors for old ladies and I am kind of a racist.
I have taken crazy medicine.
They did not work; matter of fact, they made me worse.
I remember one time I was still popping pills in the emergency room when the nurse went out to get something. There I was getting my stomach pumped, lips black with charcoal stuff they make you swallow when you OD, and I’m still swallowing pills…..
It scares me when I think about it too much, now.
I can tell you this.
I wasn’t thinking about nobody else but me.
I can also say this….
If suicide wasn’t a sin…….I’d be pushing up daisies and clover at this very minute.
I didn’t think about my kids, my mom, my dad, my family….nobody…….just me.
I wanted out, I HAD to get out…
Not one person or their feelings popped into my head at that moment.
The ER people were trying to stop me….
I didn’t see a light.
I didn’t feel the love of Jesus.
I didn’t feel the Holy Ghost.
All I felt was urine…..charcoal……vomit……nothing.
…..I wanted to die that night because I had no where else to go.
My church is why I’m alive.
For some reason, in the last week, something has changed in my head.
I was trying to think of a word to describe it but…..I can’t.
Maybe…..”an even keel” is kinda close.
I want to feel God, if he is there.
I know he is, I’m just a terrible kid.
I don’t need miracles…
My being alive at 50 years old, married, having a job and writing is a miracle.
I know, all too well….
I coulda been dead. I shoulda been dead. I was almost dead…..
Well, I was walking dead anyway but, if those doctors and nurses hadn’t stopped me I would have been “really, real” dead.
I don’t know why I had to go thru the things that I have gone thru.
I don’t know why I have done some of the things that I have done.
I’m starting to forget stuff…..
I mean, the scary kind of “forget stuff”.
I think I’m gonna change things.
I think I’m gonna put my interest and commitment into a more “profitable” line of pursuits.
I gotta get real.
I think I’m losing my mind.
I gotta get things in order before I go….out yonder.
I believe there is something wrong with my mind.
I think all of these prolific explosions of blogs and stories that I have cranked out in the past year and a half is like unto a dying star.
I…..don’t know why I’m rambling so bad tonight.
I’m usually not this introspective.
I just like putting my feelings out there for strangers to read about.
I just felt like I had to tell people, probably kind of like a “stamp of approval” that I’m gonna change some intricate parts of myself.
I just like coming and writing on my blog.
………………………………….because I had no where else to go.
Wow…..would you look at that…..