Delusional?

“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I am a Mormon.

I am a terrible Mormon.

Don’t misunderstand me.

I am not a terrible person by accepted social standards but, I feel that I am.

I am very critical of mistakes that I make.

I am very critical of mistakes that others make but the difference being that when others make mistakes I can think “Don’t be an ass, everybody makes mistakes” When I make mistakes there is only one line that I stick too “I’m an idiot”

I don’t think I’m depressed; not anymore.

I’ve been depressed and medicated for it; plus, I have been certified and have my own mental health dossier as being anti-social, border-line personality order with manic-depressive tendencies.

Basically, I’m normal and not on medication.

The difference is that I have a very critical opinion of myself, not so much in everyday things mind you but, in things that are personal and unique to me as an individual; things that no one would know, ask or even care about.

You see, I know the thoughts that go thru my mind.

Y’all know the thoughts behind your eyes.

Are they dark?

I know my first reactions to anything.

Y’all know how you will react to things…

Very, very rarely are we ever truly surprised by anything.

Lord…I have had my mistakes.

I have MOST DEFINITELY fallen short.

Sometimes, I’m ashamed of things I have done.

Thank God, for forgiveness and repentance. Because I ain’t getting any down here on earth.

Hell, I can’t even forgive myself….

Not these days.

Of course there are things behind my eyes that people can’t see, things I don’t want people to see.

Sometimes….maybe 1 out of say….192,094,954,021,783.623 I’m actually surprised by a reaction or a response to any given incident.

You know you…

I know me…

I know exactly what I will do when presented with any of the countless myriad decisions to be made, in less than a heartbeat, of life’s challenges.

If I react differently over something than I thought I would, I just think “Doesn’t surprise me”

I know before I know….

Y’all know before you know.

Is it instinct?

Is it a trained response, or something we “just…know”?

More times than not, I can control my attendant vocal response to such reactions. I can keep myself from screaming, cursing or showing any interest that such a situation may garner or require.

Times like these are when I can honestly thank God for the built in volume control that we humans all come with as standard default software.

But, alas; I am human and sometimes my mouth overrides my butt.

But, I can think in silence.

I can hide the feelings in my eyes.

I can keep a stoic, masterly countenance with absolutely no outward appearance of a reaction.

I’m especially good at reacting, or showing a reaction that a person, or people, would ever expect as a typical response, nay, the obvious response.

“Why aren’t you freaking out right now, your *bleeping* leg is cut off!!”

I look down and notice the missing peg…

Stoic countenance, steady eye, unsoiled trousers…

“No biggie” I’ll say. “I hope no one trips over it”

Like I said…

I am 50 years old.

I am canny, underhanded, sneaky, experienced….

I have tenure in the University of Life.

I am a visiting professor.

I am on a sabbatical from Heaven.

I am normal.

I hate being normal.

I wanna be different.

I wanna be unique.

I wanna be….like him….or her….or them.

I wanna be someone other than me.

I wanna……I wanna just be……….something.

Then, like right now, I realize that THAT’S the secret of life.

……….To never be satisfied with yourself.

Always, wanting more….

Not so much in material acquirements or personal recognition from the public; that’s a lost soul’s obsession but, in your own self worth or better yet, what you expect from yourself.

I believe that letting yourself down is the worst thing for a person to experience.

To lie to the one person that it is impossible to lie to.

Isn’t it a terrible thing that you actually believe your own lies?

You know that they are lies but, you no longer care because it lessens or maybe, it covers the fact that you accept this.

Sad…

I did it for years.

Lots and lots of unfulfilled potential….

Anyways, I’m getting off the subject.

I like beating myself up.

As I said earlier;

I am a convert to the LDS faith. August 11, 1984

I am a Mormon.

I am a terrible Mormon.

I do not fit the stereotype.

I fit the “Biker Gang” stereotype.

My driver’s license photo looks like a serial killer mug shot.

I don’t care what faith you practice as long as you work at it with true intent and a humble spirit.

I don’t care if you’re an atheist as long as you believe in yourself and the right of freedom for others to do likewise without hurtful criticism or persecution.

I don’t care if your higher power is a Pet Rock or a Chia Pet.

I am not a preacher.

I am not a missionary.

I am not even a good representative of my own chosen church.

To some, I am an infidel.

To some, I suffer from a God delusion.

To some, I am a pain in the butt.

To me, I am.

I am a simple man with complex feelings.

I am a complex man with simple tastes.

But…..

I cry when I read the Bible, because I know.

I cry when I read the Book of Mormon, because I know.

I cry when I watch videos produced by my church and others depicting Christ’ life and mission.

I cry when I pray, because I know.

I cry when innocent people are murdered because of their faith.

I cry because I don’t know God’s will and why he allows bad things to happen.

But, I believe that God speaks to us.

We just don’t listen that well, or outright ignore what we KNOW to be good advice.

Jesus said, and read it carefully: “Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.”

Jesus was honest.

He told us the truth.

He said in John 16:33; “You will have suffering in this world.”

He didn’t say you might – he said it is going to happen. (Courtesy of Christian author and apologist Lee Strobel)

But why?

“Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou hast understanding.” Job: 38:4 (Courtesy of God)

I don’t understand everything….I’m cool with that.

I don’t like it but I don’t have to, I guess.

It’s not a matter of blind obedience and the fear of God.

Free will is the truest gift.

I can decide if I want to believe in anything.

I can decide if I want to be a good man.

But, there are rules and penalties for those of us that seem to have a hard time learning from our mistakes.

(You can’t see me but I’m raising my hand)

Knowing the punishments, no, that’s not a good word; knowing the rules and results…..that’s the other gift.

Think about that.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” (Courtesy of Sir Isaac Newton)

It’s physics….

My faith is weak, not dead.

I know I am human, a mere Christian.

I can still be brought to tears by reading the word of God.

That’s a good sign.

I am happy with my God delusion.

There is a way to find comfort in this world and I feel pity for the souls that suffer.

I know there is a way to live a good life.

I know there is a God.

I know there is a reason for it all.

There has to be.

God, I’m counting on it.

Thanks for reading my Sunday post.

“And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity