– Oak Grove, Louisiana
A local man of noted fame and savor faire succumbed to the horrific privation of hunger this evening when his evil wife took way too much time defrosting a chicken and failing to make the dumplings in a reasonable and socially acceptable time frame.
The handsome man, as witnesses and seized phone record transcripts report, made several unheeded requests for this basic life sustaining sustenance before finally collapsing into a big hunk of sexy malnourished man pie.
We were told, as this story unfolded, that there was video of the death scene but, after our producers pre-screened it they decided that it was not appropriate to broadcast such a disgusting and barbaric act in which resulted such a dramatic portrayal of misery and deprivation.
As released earlier by our production staffs statement: “It is in our opinion that after watching said video, which has been discovered relating to this cruel and heinous act of wanton and careless disregard for this poor victims timely nutritional requirements, that this woman…this monster…is the worst kind of killer of men”
The coroner’s inquest reports that the poor, loving, caring, long suffering, patient victim succumbed to his hunger pangs in a little over 2 hours.
“It must have been a terrible thing to see” said the coroner.
When a neighbor was asked about the family, she said “Well, Mr.Trey was always so nice and polite and loving, caring, long suffering, patient but, that wife of his….she just seemed so…you know..mean, kinda like Satan”
Another neighbor nearby added “I knew it, the way that crazy woman walked around in pink sweat pants and green t-shirts to the mailbox everyday all the time, there wasn’t something quite right, there”
The facts stand. It is simple to see that the loving, caring, long suffering, patient husband died horribly and it is the opinion of this reporter and this station that Mrs.Sheila Renee Clarke, the obvious guilty party who is also a lifetime resident of Oak Grove, should be brought before the mast; given 100 strokes from a knotted plow line, keel-hauled and poked in the eye with a sharp stick.
“Hangins’ too good” said the Sheriff.
By line; I’m just calling it like I see it, Honey Biscuit. This is what will happen next time you fail to serve my chicken and dumplings on time.
I will let the world know about the abuse and maltreatment of me, your poor, loving, caring, long suffering, patient almost starved husband.
But, I won’t say anything ugly or untrue just yet because I love you and you like to wrestle naked.
The best part is that it’s been cooking all night and I’m having dumplins’ for breakfast!!
(p.s from author/starvation victim: It’s 630 in the morning and my evil wife is under a pile of blankets and pillows next to me. She has no idea that I am telling my story to dozens of dedicated readers. I’ll really be dead in about, oh…say…3 hours)
Good-night and good luck.