Depression @ Midnight

It’s happening again.

I can’t even get a full nights sleep!

Brain always talking shit!

The depressed part of manic depressive, I mean.

I woke up, depressed.

BLINK!

WIDE AWAKE!

DEPRESSED AS HELL!

Battling hard to keep myself upbeat.

At least I realize it. After I screw up and piss everyone off, that is.

Here’s how it is in my head: Everything freaking sux and I hate myself! But, I KNOW everything doesn’t freaking suck and that I don’t really hate myself.

I hate being crazy, but I know I can’t be crazy.

It gets tiresome always reminding myself that it’s all in my head and that I’m a lot better off than millions of people but, when I’m in my “mood” I don’t give a crap because my life sux and they can all burn in hell.

I really really hate it when the Funk sets in for a while.

I should have realized from the stupid crap I’ve been doing for the past 3 months that another depression was coming.

Blackout drinking…

Calling EVERYBODY I know and blathering to them incoherently, before I black out….Oh, and saying, drunkenly “No, I’m not drunk” When they ask if I am after knowing for a fact that I am…

But, they always ask….hoping it’s not happening to me, again.

Oh…..and not remember calling them.

“No I didn’t .. ”
“I did?”
“I was?”
“OMG, what did I say?”
“I did…?”
“…..sorry”

Never freaking fails.

No wonder my kids don’t respect me and hate me….

Hell, I don’t even respect me.

I can find people, when I’m blasted, that I haven’t spoken to for years…decades!

I should work for the FBI. When I’m…that way.

Weird, the way a person can focus on some things when they’re shit faced…

I can realize now, that all of the signs and usual indicators were there.

Like I said, the blackout drinking…
The crazy dreams…
The religious fervor…
Angry all of the time…
Yep….
All there.

The one, forever problem is that I don’t see it as it’s happening and STILL do the stupid crap!

I’m really sorry for what my family has to deal with when I’m going thru this.

I wish I didn’t have to ride this particular ride.

Like I said, at least I EVENTUALLY realize what’s going on and I can try and use my little tools I’ve learned over the years to get myself back on an even keel.

However, I did fall short and relapse into the old evil.

That’s what kills me.

Over and over and over. Year after years after years….

Just like all the books say: “It’s a never ending cycle of despair dotted with little successes”

As I feel about myself right now I could care less what all the positive people say.

I hate you all and everything freaking sux. It’s all about me and my problems and I’m the only one that matters and wah wah freaking WAH!

Good thing I know different but, it still sux to go thru it.

Over and over and over. Year after years after years….

I just wanted, nay, needed, to sit on my pity potty for a bit, I guess.

Thx for listening and I apologize to all my family and friends.

Especially my wife….

Trust me when I say I don’t like being this way either.

I’ll be glad when it passes….

Up to this point it always has.

I pray it still does.

But what if it doesn’t stop this time?

What if this is the time I finally snap and blow my freaking brains out because my brain tells me that I really, truly do hate myself and everything really, truly does freaking suck and I actually, really, truly believe it!?

This sux….

Just keep on with the whole “It’s just Trey being Trey again” and we’ll eventually beat this dog.

Yes, we all may be 70 and 80 years old when it happens but hey, triumph is triumph and victory still tastes sweet.

Good….

It worked.

I wrote about it and I feel a little better.

I knew this blog was a good therapy tool.

Thx again for reading, y’all.

P.S: I don’t want all of y’all to burn in hell….really, truly.