In Some Ways

I don’t know why I have the trials that I have…

I don’t go in for the whole “God only gives you what you can handle” crap.

If that’s true, I would tell God to quit being so damn generous….

You know what’s really hard, or at least kind of frustrating…?

Like when I’m having a tough time I always have to add “Well, it could be worse” or “There’s lots of people in this world that have it tougher than me”

That positive thinking trick to work myself out of my funk can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

Sometimes when I’m having a bad time I don’t want to be positive or think happy thoughts…

Screw Peter Pan and all the Lost Boys and freaking Snata Claus and the Easter Bunny!

Screw TinkerBell and her freaking magic fairy flying dust!

Sometimes I just want to BITCH and COMPLAIN and let everyone know that my life is TERRIBLE and that no one has it worse than me, that I should be PITIED, that I should be ESTEEMED and held in AWE for my ability to trudge thru the varying levels of my ill usage and misery, in wallowing about my self pity and martyrdom as if splashing about a dreary, seething quagmire of throbbing, pulsing poop stuff….

Sometimes I just wanna scream “Look at me! Life has shatteth(?) upon me! Pity me, tell everyone you know that Trey is being dealt a dirty hand, is the victim of “dirty pool” that I am the only human on earth that has it this bad and that my life, if it can be described as such, is truly the epitome, nay, the gold standard of just how bad and unfair and cruel life can be…..

Sometimes I just don’t give a flying poop about other peoples problems!!!

Sometimes I just want it, need it to be only about me….

Woe unto me….

I hate the fact that God’s plan for my life included child abuse, drug abuse and alcoholism…

I hate the fact that “his” plan for me meant I had to be lower middle class and work for a living.

I would have been an excellent rich person.

I would have been kind to the little people.

But enough about other little people!

Lets get back to me!

I hate the fact that “his” plan meant that I had to be divorced 3 times, estranged from my children and not appreciated for my rugged good looks and intelligence.

I would have been an excellent product pitch guy….

You know what I really hate…?

I would have been a great Dad!!!

If it just wasn’t for the whole selfish, alcoholic, irresponsible things…

But get this…

That freaking humanity rears its freaking head…

I hate the fact that I am aware that I can make fun of myself and eventually work my self out of a funk by writing in my blog and bitching to “strangers” about how terrible my life is and how mean everyone is to me.

I hate the fact that as I write, I can see how silly I sound.

As I write, I can see just how damn silly it all is to get worked up about anything.

As I write, I know that I can forgive myself for being human.

I don’t like to admit it….

I do, so like to bitch…..as evidenced.

My acceptance of being human and its “intricacies” doesn’t mean that I will forget about my short-comings mind you, it just means that the reason I can still get pissed at myself is that I am still capable or hopeful that I am still desirous to expect better things from myself, that I have high standards for myself.

As I write, I can actually convince myself that I can make it better; that I am a creator of worlds.

As I write, I can fool myself into believing that I have a purpose, that God does have a plan for me and that I like writing fiction because I can believe that anything is possible.

If I can imagine it, it can happen….

Its kind of like…magic.

Sorry, Tink…

So….

I am better off than lots of people, unfortunately.

My journey thru life hasn’t been that terrible….interesting…but not too bad.

At least I can still appreciate beauty and creativity.

I still have the capacity to love others more than myself.

I still have the ability to wish I could do more….

I am 50 years old and I still ask God to let me be a super-hero so that I can save the world….

As I write, I can “fix” my thinking.

You know what…?

I’m sorry I was being insensitive earlier in my post. I’m sorry if you’re having a bad day so far.

Yeah…I’m an alcoholic, yeah…I’ve done some stupid shit in my life and yeah…I’ve gotten mad at God and not talked to him for a while and, yeah….sometimes I just like to bitch and feel sorry for myself.

But…

As I write…..I remember that I am only a man and I am human.

I am not perfect…but dadgummit! I keep trying to do better and I still care!

I haven’t given in or given up.

One day…..

One day….

As I write, I can create worlds.

“Let there be light” said God

…and it was good.

I…..

I will create my own day.

….and it WILL be good.

See?

Writer…heal thyself.

I feel better already.

I just don’t trust me…..

But that’s ok.

I’ll get to that soon.