Last Guy On Earth

Hmph….

Hi….My name is Sudan, and I’m a white rhino.

I am self aware and I remember, so that makes me a person; according to humans.

I like moonlit walks across the savannah, grazing on the savannah, wallowing in the mud on the savannah, drinking water on the savannah and sometimes indulging my inner hippie and eating the occassional psychadelic mushroom.

I don’t like lions, they’re arrogant pricks.

I don’t like vultures because all they do is stare at you; very rude….they suck at conversation.

I don’t like hyenas at all because individauls with annoying laughs GRATE ON YOUR FREAKING NERVES, don’t they?! Always giggling and shit at the wrong time….sunzabitches find everything hilarious…..

I don’t like giraffes either because they’re always looking down their noses at you….

You seen that one coming, didn’t you? Sorry, couldn’t help it. Giraffes are okay.

I don’t like humans much; well, maybe except the guys with guns that follow me around all the time, they’re cool.

I try and pretend I’m the president with my secret service contingent or maybe Kim Kardashian with my bodyguards.

The problem with humans is that you never know where you stand with them, you can’t tell if they like you or not.

I don’t know if it’s just me but, the most nervous I get around them is when they smile at me and try and pet me like I’m a house cat or something.

A human smile is very unsettling to me….I never know what they’re thinking.

I guess that’s how that dude Ceaser felt.

I haven’t really trusted humans much since they cut off part of my face, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I’m getting off track.

Here’s the facts:

I can understand mans languages…..all of them.

All animals can; I bet y’all didn’t know that did you, Mr. Masters of the Universe?

We don’t speak back to you because y’all are stupid. Not ignorant, stupid.

We have this hang up about not stating the obvious; oh! and we loathe redundancy.

If y’all were just ignorant I think we could get along, that way we’d know how to deal with you better and at least pardon you for some of your actions; kinda like dealing with kids really.

You know something else? God told us it was gonna be like this when y’all got kicked out of the Garden.

Ha! I bet you stupid bastards can’t even remember where the garden is, do you?

We remember everything, forever and ever and ever; not just the freakin’ elephants remember stuff, you know, we all do.

Our folks’ memories are in our blood; from the first to the last.

I can’t help feeling sorry for you, though. I can remember what your first parents were like.

They understood us, they talked to us, they protected us from ourselves and they WEREN’T STUPID!! THEY, WERE JUST IGNORANT!

That’s how the serpent fooled them…..they trusted him; I wish they’d stomped on that bastards pointy head.

We all trusted one another at one time….hard to believe, ain’t it?

Well, it’s damn sure hard to believe now that we trusted y’all, that we KNEW man would watch over us and keep us safe, we freaking knew it.

That was a long time ago though and unfortunately we had to learn different, the hard way.

Why do you think rhino’s, elephants and crocodiles always look like we’re crying?

Anyways…

I have known for a long time that I am the last male of my species.

I’m 42 years old and I can’t make babies anymore; that ship has sailed.

Basically, after me…..we’re gone…..forever.

Y’all have been taking blood samples from me for a while now, since y’all started playing God.

Dr. Bukumbo said it was for future attempts to try and revive us at a later date, laboratory style.

Well, you know how us animals hate stating the obvious but, let me tell you humans this; it’s easier to keep us alive while we’re ALIVE!

Besides…God will never let it happen. Anything you guys attempt will be an abomination and he won’t stand for it.

Trust me on this.

He told y’all this a long time ago. It’s even in your bible!

Oh, that’s right, some of your people left that part out because it was deemed “heretical”

I am sad, I guess.

First off, I don’t want to be alone but, I hope I die before the girls because it’s really gonna suck for one of them when they are really really the last one on earth.

I can’t imagine what it’s gonna be like, I mean, it’s in every living thing on earths blood to make babies and carry on with our kind, it’s not natural not to make babies.

Hell, I can remember what my kids looked like…..every one of them.

They’re all dead, of course…redundancy?

Killed by humans for our ivory.

Ivory……

You killed my species, and my kids…..my babies…….because our ivory is pretty.

Some asshole human, thousands of years ago put a value on a nose bone….and thats all she wrote.

You can’t eat it…..so, I don’t get it.

Oh, that’s right, it has magical properties and makes nice piano keys.

I see why now, I’d blow someones brains out and cut off their face if I found anything of value on a humans body.

That’s a good point.

You humans are the only species on earth that puts value on rocks, dirt, water, air, shit, trees, grass….it’s amazing.

What in the hell was God thinking?

Why didn’t the human that got the bright idea of making ivory valuable; oh, we call it our booger bone by the way amongst ourselves, what’s left of us at least….I’m being obvious again….God, I hate that.

Why didn’t he put value on my ass, huh? That way he could take it home and KISS IT, anytime he wanted!

Kiss it and hug it and pet it and say sweet things to it….IT’S RIGHT HERE BITCHES! Come and get you some!

I’m so tired of this….the waiting.

I watch these guys around me with their guns and radios, wondering how weird my life has turned out.

They cut off my booger bone and I was no longer valuable……to them.

I feel valuable. I mean, I like living and doing stuff.

You know, y’all didn’t have to kill me to get my ivory….did you?

Why couldn’t y’all have done that to all of us?

I’d rather you just dart us with some dope, cut the damn things off and let us be, y’all didn’t have to kill us all….

That’s what really pisses me off, what’s gonna happen now Mr. Dominant Species, God appointed Stewards of the Earth when we’re all gone and can’t make anymore ivory for your art deco, you buncha stupid assholess!!??

I’m sorry..

I know that most of y’all are sorry that we’re about to go extinct and be gone forever.

But, ain’t it funny that y’all don’t stop this shit before it gets out of hand?

No, it ain’t funny, it ain’t funny one fucking bit!

You motherfuckers have killed us off!!!

For a fucking bone, you stupid sunzabitches!!!

I’m tired of y’all.

Y’all have really disappointed us.