There are certain times in a persons life, and I happen to know this for a fact; that every person in the Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindi, Taoist, Shinto or even the “believers” “follower”….practicioners? of Atheism; [add the other approximately 4200 know faiths here as pertains to you, dear reader]
There are times when you must pray…
The overwhelming, not quite cognizant drive to fall to your knees and do…something!
Despite what we have all been led to believe by other “learned”men, there are no rules stating it has to be about thanks, grief, vanity, money or whatever….suggestions, but no rules.
But, the rule that is non-negotiable or maybe just expected, is that you have to report in every now and again and rip your insecurities out, spill your heart on the floor, yell, scream, whisper, cry, laugh, beg for a horrific end to your mother in law……on your knees.
Oh, thats the other rule. Don’t be lazy if you can help it.
It happened to me a few minutes ago. In the shower, dripping wet, shaving cream on my face and Heavenly Father wanted to talk.
Even the fags, homo’s, peter puffers, carpet muncher, transgender folks, raging alcoholics, depraved addicts and even offenders of human law (meaning laws and ordinances that we ourselves have created to keep an order of non-chaos relating to and stemming from our own bastardized, inept translation of ten simple commandments that we claim come from an entity we only know as God, Jehovah or Yahweh or even Allah, in and of every form, fashion, sex and/or persuasion; written, edited, argued over and published by recognized inspired and/or enlightened flawed men that ate fish, pork, green beans, probably one or two somewhat pentitent pedophiles thrown in there and maybe a few hecklers in the rafters from Nice….folks just like you and me, adding their 2 cents worth during the restricted and segmented presentation of the most influential book in moral, civilized, human history.
At least we followed this new Bible and its teachings for a while, then we started to really get into worshipping it and wanted everyone else on the planet to feel our joy and love, so we went on crusades and missions and wars over it and righteously killed millions of heretics, pagans, witches, infidels, musselmen and assorted other Moors, Catholics, Pr0testants, Mormons and about 82 Branch Davidians….that the government, which was based constitutionally on these same biblical Christian values, didn’t like very much.
I wonder if the kids screamed while they burned….
But, I digress and I apologize. I’m having my usual pessimistic outlook on life during this joyous season and I guess the Lord noticed, because I’ve been behaving badly and been kind of an asshole.”
So, like I state earlier on this post, God drove me to my knees in the truck stop shower, somewhere in Oklahoma, dripping wet, shaving cream on my face, naked as a Buddha and decided he wanted to talk to me.
Well, I suspect now, in hindsight and reflection; that’s what we’re supposed to do after we pray…reflect.
So, in reflection, I think he was tired of seeing me mope around, thinking crummy thoughts, not seeing good in anything, basically being a pill and an asshole, as stated before and witnessed by many, including my very own self.
Isn’t it terrible when you realize you’re being an asshole and don’t care, you just want to hurt and hurt and hurt…..more; until everyone else is hurt and turns into an asshole!?
I stared in the mirror, shaving cream on my face, razor held up by my right cheek, barely able to see my big, fat pink body thru the steamed up mirror except for the little spot I had cleared with the razor free hand.
I heard a still small voice and I recognized it for who it was.
I made the “What was that face?”
Thats when an urge fell over me, I can’t explain it.
I put down the razor, spread a towel on the floor; because its still a truck stop shower, I’m not crazy…and I knelt.
And I bowed my head before I spoke to the God of us all.
I bent my head in reverance to the celestial being that allows us to exist despite being a horrendous horde of ungrateful, destructive pieces of shit that occassionally celebrate a good deed WHEN IT SHOULD BE A NORMAL UNCELEBRATED THING TO DO A GOOD DEED AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER, LIKE WE WERE SUPPOSED TO FROM THE FREAKING BEGINNING!!!!!
“Dear Heavenly Father’ I said
“I thank you for everything that you have given, have taken away and for prayers that have been and have not been answered, thy will be done. (OK, I got the initial crap out of the way, I picture God sitting on a cloud somewhere looking at his fingernails making the “Come on, come on, I don’t have all day” hand motion. Even though I know he has forever but, hey. I am only a man.
One of billions…..
Well, this man talks to God as if though God were a man.
“I am sorry I say the same thing over and over but, I don’t mean to but, you already know this”
‘I just find it hard to get into myself and tell you things I know you already know, seems redundant and unecessary”
“Is it confession you want or am I’m doing this wrong, why am I telling you things you already know, why am I confessing things to you when you already know them, does it make a difference on judgement day?”
[*Heres where I slip back into repetetive dribble, which the bible expressly frowns upon]
“I thank you for my wife and kids, please protect them and help them to make good decisions and be good people and do nice things”
“I thank you for my job and I thank you for being reasonably healthy”
[Hesitation here because I realize that God has heard this all before, again.]
You see….it just became personal.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Lord”
[Here I look up at the ceiling, clasping my fingers tighter; I’m getting angry]
“What am I supposed to say, that I’m sorry, over and over?! How long do I have to apologize for being human!? That I’m a piece of shit and I can’t do anything right and I’m sick and tired of everything?! What am I supposed to say to you, when you know everything I’m saying or thinking and I still don’t hear shit from you!”
[I stand up, turn my back to the steamy mirror, looking at another part of the ceiling; I throw my hands up but don’t say anything, I’m too old for this shit!!!]
[I turn back to the towel on the floor, kneel back down, slowly shaking my head]
This is stupid….
“Thank you, Lord, for everything. I’m doing a lot better than most and everythings not too bad. I’m still a little nervous about thy will be done because I hate surprises but, I know, well, I HOPE that you have plans for me, regardless of what they are. I’m sorry that I’ve been an asshole lately and been kind of a pill to Sheila and messing up her Christmas with my OCD crap but, I try not to let it show too much.”
“The cool part about you is that you are the only one that knows me and depite what others have witnessed and drawn their conclusions from, some well founded I must admit; you know that I am a good man with a good heart that only wants super powers so I can save the world.”
“I know I’ve screwed up sometimes , thank God for repentance; oh, I meant thank you”
*ironic chuckle* He knows what I meant.
“I’m sorry, you know how I get. Thanks again for letting me live this long even though I’ve almost killed myself several times and I have no idea why you let me live this long. To see what I’ll do next probably….weirdo.
Thanks for me seeing the things I’ve seen, meeting the people I’ve met and letting me believe that I aint that bad”
“Help make me a better man. Help me do something to make a difference. Help me to be more patient and a loving Husband and Father. Help me to be a good man.”
“Dear Heavenly Father”
“Help me to be more humble and long suffering.”
[This is when I realize I’m being all biblical sounding, again]
repetition….breeds scripture abuse.
[I lower my now dry forehead to my clasp hands and squeeze my fingers harder, really serious part coming up]
“Help me be the man we know I can be, thy will be done. I trust you”
“In the name of your son, Jesus Christ…….Amen”
[I stand and turn back to the mirror which is steamy again because the shower is still going and the faucet is running full blast….]
[I wipe a clear spot on the mirror and look at myself]
I hear the still small voice again…..
I talked To God on Christmas 2015 and he answered me….
Oh, From me and God…
Happy New Year, y’all.