Phobia, Man! Scary Stuff!

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts…

Let’s explore my phobias.

Ohhh…c’mon, it’ll be fun!

Oh, by the way…..I got these from perusing Wikipedia, so they’re actual fears.

Well, “fears of something to certain crazy bastards” at least.

Looking at these lists of fears I realized something….

I’m freakin’crazy.

I think I’ll ignore the obvious phobias like, fear of spiders and heights…
I get sick if I talk about them very much…

Here we go:

[Disclaimer: This is a joke and does not represent the authors true feelings]

I’m scared of being taken literally…

Is that a phobia?

I’ll Google it later…

The reason I’m going over these many phobias is because I wanted to say, for the record, that the only thing I hate about suffering from hypochondria phobia is being sick all of the time….

1) Aichmophobia – fear of sharp or pointed objects (such as a needle or knives)

I do not think it is crazy to be fearful of sharp objects.
I have always been told not to run with sharp things in my hand.
My doctor told me I couldn’t have anything sharper than my wit in the house.
When you get poked by a needle, it hurts….hence, fear of pain or “ALGOPHOBIA”
If your ex-spouse stabs you with a knife 27 times, you die…hence, fear of death or “Necrophobia”

2) Nomophobia – fear of being out of mobile phone contact

[Picture me standing beside a Nomophobic beating them in the head with a tack hammer]

If this is an actual documented fear, I’m gonna kill myself….
I don’t fear being out of cell range, sometimes it makes me quite happy. I may get a little antsy when I can’t post anything on Facebook every 15 minutes but, I wouldn’t say I fear it.

 

3) Pornophobia – fear of pornography

I fear dirty little porno girls wearing school girl outfits or nurse outfits with high stockings and pouty lips…
[Breathing]
I feared porn so much when I was 13 that every time I looked at a dirty book or the lingerie section of the Sears Roebuck catalogue or the National Geographic or Aunt Jemima’s boobs on the syrup bottle, I would try to rip my pecker off in humiliation and shame almost 5-8 times a day.

Traumatic for such a wee lad….

I’ve overcome that fear though.

I’ve seen “necked” girls for real!

4) Sesquipedalophobia – fear of long words

Really?
I think the psychiatrists were laughing their collective asses off when they came up with the nom de guere for this fear….
OMG! I’ve got it! I said a big French word!
Sick bastards!

(That was French….right?)

Prejudice and Discriminatory Phobias…..Seriously?

1) Anglophobia – fear/dislike of England or English culture

Who doesn’t? Even the “Engrish” hate it….filthy, Cricket playing buggers, what?!

2) Atheophobia – fear/dislike of atheists

I fear Atheists because God told me too….

3) Biphobia – fear/dislike of bisexuality or bisexuals

I do not fear bicycles….
…wait.

4) Christianophobia – fear/dislike of Christians

I fear Christians because my Jewish friends told me to.

5) Ephebiphobia – fear/dislike of youth

Only when I hear their music these days, or clothes……or when I see them in packs.

6) Germanophobia – fear/dislike of Germans

German beer and brats….their one saving grace.
Oh, and David Hasselhoff….I hate that guy

7) Gerontophobia, gerascophobia – fear/dislike of aging or the elderly

They should put old people in special places that would take care of them.
There should be a fear of people that eat peanut butter with no teeth….
Noslappingumpenbutterphobia….?

8) Heterophobia – fear/dislike of heterosexuals

It’s kinda strange seeing so many straight people walking around these days. I thought it was En Vogue to TAKE IT UP THE ASS! MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
….sorry

9) Hispanophobia – fear/dislike of Hispanic people, Hispanic culture and the Spanish language

I love “Mezzcans”
Immigration is stupid and hypocritical.
Quit building fences and people won’t jump them.
Ask the American Native people about immigration and getting their land stolen…..
We all live on the same planet, right?

10) Homophobia – fear/dislike of homosexuality, homosexuals, or gays (as opposed to lesbians)
I have no opinions on the cock-smoking, carpet munching fairies….
Did you know that the fear of swallowing is “Phagophobia”? (Is this pronounced “Phage of Fag-o”?)
Kinda condescending and ironic….don’t cha think?

11) Islamophobia – fear/dislike of Muslims

I fear Muslims because CNN, Fox News, Donald Trump and Glenn Beck told me to. Plus, President Obama said not to fear Muslims so, I am really phobia’ed up on those fools!

12) Judeophobia – fear/dislike of Jews
I fear Jews because….well, because everybody tells me to.

Never trust a person that doesn’t eat bacon or Lobstah!

13) Lesbophobia – fear/dislike of lesbians

I am a pig. I love lesbians in compromising and creative positions.

14) Negrophobia – fear/dislike of black people

I love soul bruthas!
My niggaz!!!!

15) Nipponophobia – fear/dislike of the Japanese

I haven’t decided if I like Japanese people or not. All the ones I know are from California…
I hate California….

16) Koryophobia – fear/dislike of the Koreans

I love Koreans!!! They keep my neighborhood free of cats and stray dogs…and Chineseses

17) Pedophobia – fear/dislike of children

I have seen children….in the wild.
Don’t let’em know you’re scared….

18) Polonophobia – fear/dislike of the Polish

I knew a Polish person.
His name was Shinolaski…..
Get it?

19) Psychophobia – fear/dislike of mental illness or the mentally ill

I do not fear crazy people. I are one…

20) Russophobia – fear/dislike of Russians

Not since the Cold War ended.

21) Sinophobia – fear/dislike of Chinese people

They keep my neighborhood free of…..bamboo?

22) Transphobia – fear/dislike of transgendered people

I think these people are convenience, personified. The definition of “transgender” isn’t very enlightening. I think it’s kinda gay to be honest….

23) Turcophobia – fear/dislike of Turks

Who’s not afraid of the Turks!!??
That’s just common sense…
Freaking Ottoman hordes…

24) Xenophobia – fear/dislike of foreigners or extraterrestrials

….America……
What’s happening to us?
We’re still “The land of the free” “the melting pot”, right?

Founded on that very principle, right?

“Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips; “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

But first, pay at the gate…

…..such hypocrisy.

I am almost Decidophobic about that particular subject…