I am a frightened man…all the time.
Is it normal to get over the age of 50 years old and become even more afraid of death?
Usually when we are about to reach the finish line we are ecstatic, proud of our achievement “I HAVE FINISHED THE RACE!!!”
Not now….now it’s just “FUCK”…..that was fast.
I don’t tell lies in my blog, at least that I am aware of, because I will honestly admit, I have told lies in the past that I was NOT aware of.
I call them “reflex lies” so as to avoid punishment, admission of guilt, criminal intent and/or divorce.
I can’t call them “little white lies” because in todays world I’ll be labeled a racist.
I’ll call them “PC” lies
My humble blog is the only thing in my life that I can honestly say I MUST keep real, at all cost!
I have lied to myself and others for way too long….
In this blog my words are real because they are not spoken…
Here it is…. In a nutshell.
I am headed to the age of 52 years old this September.
Fuck….that was fast.
I have never been a half century old before.
I am steadily and increasingly surprised and somewhat alarmed at times on the reflections of my life and the never ending contemplations of my mortality that I have, of late, been experiencing
I am scared…totally scared to death of death.
I am cautiously optimistic…that I might be the one man on earth that has the mutant ability to live forever.
….realistically, quantum mechanics type of pessimism, too, I’m afraid.
I am getting older much faster than I was when I was 21….
Do y’all feel that way too?
Shut up, millenials, you haven’t even began to fear life yet.
And hush old people! You don’t know my psyche! LOL!!!
I hurt in places where I never hurt before…especially in the chest area….and my legs.
I know it’s all in my head….
When I get really tired, I get slight head rushes and little stabbing pains everywhere.
Yes, I know y’all are diagnosing me. I already checked with WEBMD and found out I have Shingles, Herpes, Aspberger’s, a cold or rabies…..
I think it’s rabies, myself.
Oh….there is hair growing where hair shouldn’t be growing and it is wiry and gray; it smells weird, too.
The general consensus about my life, in my view and probaly lots of others feel the same way, is that I have wasted most of it.
Oh, sure… There have been good times, wonderful times….
Clapping and dancing and all that jazz.
But on the whole…?
I could have, should have been/done/lived, more.
Weird, how much we’re all alike.
I cheated myself because I took myself and everything around me for granted, it’s realy easy to do in America.
That’s what most of us do, we humans, on the most part, we take most of our lives and time on this earth for granted.
And we honestly don’t think we are. We don’t mean to….it’s just…you know…..gonna last forever.
That’s the crux of taking things for granted; we don’t think of it like that, we don’t think about it much at all until it’s gone.
We get so used to living we forget to “live”, pardon the pun that I’m sure is a pun.
Life is…supposed to happen.
Life here on the blue dot is supposed to have trials and triumphs I guess but, on the most part, our length of time nor quality of life thereof is promised.
Death is the only certainty, not taxes. I haven’t filed taxes for years and I’m still here! Ha Ha!
Death don’t work like that, but the hardest thing to actually believe is the only thing guaranteed; in life, during life, after life; once we start to breathe on our own, not even tomorrow is a surety or the next breath.
Oh, I’m not trying to be fatalistic. I’m really a pretty, positive person.
I’m here, I’m breathing, might as well do my best and hope I get to stay for a while, right?
I can’t dwell on the unfortunates of my life…it is a sin to kill yourself after all, according to most beliefs, and I would BLOW MY FREAKING BRAINS OUT if I let me dwell in self pity and regret.
Something else real quick, a snippet thought; I wasn’t concerned about my planet until everyone else started screaming “The sky is falling!” That can apply to a lot of areas.
Selfishly, I was only concerned about me… even when I was married and had kids.
They, it…. The whole damn thing, never seemed quite real.
I was there….. But, not there.
Now, I think about them all the time…. Kids, planet, homelessness, terrorists, cell phone charger…
I’m worried about life 51.2 years after I started it.
That’s the funny part… If it was funny.
You’re not laughing…..
Now shits gettin’ serious.
Fuck….that was fast.
NOW I’m concerned…
Good thing I’m a closet optimist with a bi-polar mind…
Keeps me in check, to a point. If not, I’ll get drunk, fall down and blame it all on God.
I will be writing and posting about my thoughts on becoming a “ancienter” (my new word) this week.
It will be my personal writers therapy, so to say…”
I don’t wanna bum anyone out and I don’t think it’s ALL that bad, really.
But this is why I blog; this is why I started this blog…
Too work thru my heart with words…and hope y’all, dear readers, help me out.
These words I can’t speak, only Imagine.
This post seems relevant today for some reason…and now, I’m done; for today.
Fuck…that was fast
It’s all I have left that is truly mine.