The Window

“Are you in there, Daddy?”

Dad smiles back at me, his eyes shining, a look of glee on his face.

He grins wider and squeezes my hand harder…

He has no idea who I am does he?

*She can’t hear me can she?*

*I’m looking right in my baby’s eyes and squeezing her hand but, she just looks at me with her sad, pouty face she’s used on me since she was 2 years old, right after the time she dropped her very first piece of birthday cake. That was a very unhappy girl; she was sitting there, so big on a big pot, in a big chair so she could reach her big plate of cake on the big table.*

*Such a big girl….
I remember it like it was yesterday….
How long ago was that…yesterday?*

I look into my daddy’s eyes and I can tell he see’s me but, like the Doctor says “The lights are on but no adults are at home, only a 3 year old”

I wonder if daddy can understand what I say to him?

What’s he thinking?

I hold his hand tighter and lean towards him; Daddy likes this and grins bigger.

“Daddy, Mama died”

I burst into tears….
I can’t help it.

It’s not fair.

My mom knew me to her last
breath; my mommy died with her ungrateful child’s name on her dry lips.

My dementia ravaged dad is frowning.
He probably doesn’t know he is….
Did he hear me, does he understand what I’m saying?

He’s grinning again and patting my hand; a comfort pat.
He remembers what tears are, at least….maybe.
I shouldn’t get too excited though.
We all know what tears are.
Some more than others.
Tears are in our DNA.

I’m grasping at straws….

*Lisa’s dead?
My wife of 62 years is dead?
My junior high school crush is dead?
The girl down the street that used to beat me up everyday, when we were kids, is gone?
Lefty is dead?
My Lisa…..gone.

And here I sit on my big, flat dumb ass; I can’t do a damn thing about it except grin and giggle, pat Casey’s hand and drool like an idiot.*

*I’m trapped in here.*

*It’s like my body is a car and I’m in the passenger seat and I can’t move or talk and no one’s driving.*

*I’m dead in here*

*Is this hell?*

My heart keeps me alive out of spite, I’m sure of it.

*Am I in purgatory?*

*Am I not getting to spend eternity with my lover, my best friend?*

….. dead

My Honey Biscuit is gone.

I’m trapped in here.


*I’m watching my baby girl fall apart right in front of me, at my very knee, and all I can do is slobber and mew like a cat.*

It ain’t fair…

Something outside the window has caught daddy’s attention, so much for reaching him today.

I just can’t handle this right now….

“Daddy, I’ll come back tomorrow morning, we’ll have breakfast, OK?”

*I hear Casey leave; she doesn’t want to shut the door*

Poor baby. Such a great kid.

*Be strong, kiddo*

*I don’t think we’ll make breakfast.*

*Your mom is here to get me*

*Bye, baby girl*

*Thanks for being there for me, it meant everything, more than you’ll ever know*

*Lefty says you’ll be just fine, so I guess it’s OK to leave*

*See ya on the other side, Case’ *

note: I hate crying when I write


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