Dreams I’ll Never See

Have you ever had a wonderful, beautiful, tragic, romantic, heart-rending dream before?

There is this girl(I don’t know how old we are in my dream) but, if it’s in relation to her age, I should be late 20’s.

All I can remember about her (after waking up 3-4 times at intense moments during the dream, then losing the flow of the dream and then trying to get back to sleep like a crazy person) that she has fair, smooth skin…light hazel eyes, reddish brown or dark strawberry blonde hair pulled back in a low pony-tail, and a smile….

A smile that makes me cry..

She evidently has a recurring role in my psyche somehow, because I have “known” her since I was a teenager; you know….when us boys start dreaming about the fairer sex.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen her but, it’s long enough between episodes that I almost forget about her; then, she reappears.

I don’t know her name yet but, this is what happened last night…

Best that I can remember.

[DREAM STATE]

I am sitting on a couch, talking to unknown people, subject unknown.

Dream talk….

When a door into the room opens up and “my girl” walks in carrying groceries…

I freeze…..it takes me a second….don’t I know her……….?

(I WAKE UP!!)

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!! NOOOOO!!!

(zzzzzzzzzzz)

 She’s seen me just as I see her and she drops the groceries, runs to the couch, crashes down on top of me and wraps her arms around my head. Laying her own beautiful red head down slowly; she’s looking into me; those pale green, sleepy, painful eyes…

Oh…there you are. Now, I remember… 

(I WAKE UP!!)

DaMMITTT!!!

(ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, DAMMIT!)

I’m looking at her again…her wet cheek dug into my chest and shoulder, her arm across my chest, her legs across my lap; she says…

(tears in my eyes now in really real)

She say’s…(I can’t see)

“Where have you been?”

So soft, so tenderly….

“Where have you been for soo long?”

Her eyes are glistening now…….accusing…..forgiving…..hating me.

I WAKE UP!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY!!!

I don’t want to be back in the awake place…

No one likes me here…. 

Guess what now?… I’m thinking…..”I should have stood up when she walked into the room, instead of just sitting there… been a gentleman”

Why that thought? It’s only a…..dream, right?

I must truly respect and cherish this lady; esteem her greatly I must.

Then, smiling to myself like a freaking Cheshire cat, I say to myself…

“Self”

“Thank God…she’s back.”…then, of course, crying myself to sleep…..still smiling.

Glad that “she’s” back…

I’m fighting to find sleep, trying to find her again.

But’ I couldn’t…

I had left her there…in my…”our” dream…apparently again.

I’ve eft her sitting there beside my spot; haven’t I? Clutching at empty air like a gasping person, be it out of despair or need…terrified that I had faded away from the couch and left HER, once again (Crying again now in this really real; my hands are shaking)

Oh my god…..she’s probably still sitting there holding my empty air.

I flatter myself…. 

Maybe shes screaming my name!

I am empty air.

What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.

I understand a few things more clearly this day; a true zen moment has occurred in my life; other than the fact that I am empty air in a dream romance….

Maybe it’s real to her….

Maybe…..it’s real to me.

Wanna know why about the zen?
A) I do not know this “lady’s” name
B) I have NEVER had a dirty dream about her
C) I have never kissed her.

But last night…last night…(crying in the really real, again)

I think dreams are real…

Last night was the first time, THE FIRST BLESSED TIME I ever heard her voice!

She actually spoke to me, and I can feel her fingers in my skin as surely as I can hear myself sniffling now!

Maybe thats why I couldn’t stay there….

What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.

If heaven is where dreams come true…then I either came one step closer to it last night, or I saw it on a hill….

I felt heaven there…in a dream…on a dream couch with bad cushions; my dream lady holding me…crying into my shoulder…shaking…Her loving me and me not knowing her…

Be back soon Lady…..

I know it and I can’t wait.

But, what if it’s years, like last time? Will you come? Will it be your turn to forget?

Or, will it be like that one time, where we passed each other on a crowded street and only had a second or two to die inside…..as we brushed by each other, the people shoving us along, keeping us apart?

Adrift on the waves. 

Here’s what I promise to the Sandman or God; whomever is in charge of dreams…

I’ll behave and commit no sin, I’ll eat all of my vegetables and pick up my dirty clothes.

I will eat tomatoes…..

I’ll beg the Lord for forgiveness and beg him to let me see you again …maybe I can stay a little longer next time…and we can talk…on our dream couch…

What a bastard I must be…

In this awake place.