The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Awareness of Suffering.
I have started on a new life path.
Let me get going with this before I forget the feelings and emotions that I just went thru about 10 minutes ago.
Kinda scary, really….for me at least; or “my type” of scary.
Close freaking call is what it was.
I just barely walked into my little apartment; put up the groceries with shaking hands, poured a glass of lemonade with spasming shoulder muscles; then sat down, sweating, and turned on this lap top to share something with y’all.
I’m an alcoholic, you see; currently, blessedly, dormant.
I wanted a drink, bad this afternoon; drink aka: beer, whiskey, wine, inebriant….buzz
I don’t know what created the urge, craving, desire, longing or the lust.
It came out of nowhere, like a foul smell on an ill breeze.
I will run thru some sadly familiar things y’all probably already know about alcoholics; or have heard or maybe suffered with yourself.
The newest craving came out of nowhere and I have no idea what set it in motion.
I’ve come to, in too many bars wondering how I got there.
Woke up in too many ditches, vacant cars, dumpsters or a bed in a stranger’s home.
I’m enough of an experienced alcohol rehabber to not be set off by feeble beer signs, beer advertisements, beer trucks, liquor stores, etcetera, etcetra…laudy freaking dah
But, there it was; out of nowhere? Or was it in me, in my soul the whole time, just waiting….?
One second I was driving my big truck to Wal-Mart; as a matter of fact I was listening to an audiobook called “The Heart of The Buddha’s Teachings” by Thich Nhat Hanh, because I am always searching for ways to make myself a better person, or maybe to make me feel better about myself or maybe to fill my head with good things and not bad things.
I don’t know why I am always listening and reading these self help books, seminars, different churches and countless other things.
….I don’t know why.
Anyhow, back to the craving.
It came like a hot breath on the back of my neck, it’s broken teeth raking across my skin; shivers and goosebumps up and down my spine.
My mouth started to water as I realized what was happening…
“No” I whispered to myself “No”
And just like that, it was all I could think about.
TA DA!! ABRA-FUCKING-CADABRA!
The battle for my sobriety was joined
Right Trey said “NO, ain’t happening”
Left Trey said “You’re just gonna have a few before bed”
There is no “few” in an alcoholics mind; especially not in this drunks mind.
Right Trey says “I don’t want to feel bad all day tomorrow”
I’m also a newly diagnosed diabetic.
Left Trey says “You’ll get plenty of sleep for it to wear off before you have to get up”
Right Trey says “I don’t want to keep getting up and have to pee a hundred times”
Left Trey says “Oh, it ain’t that bad, you pussy”
Right Trey says “I AM bored, though…..”
First sign of weakness; I have a lot of those.
Left Trey smells blood in the water and continues his attack “Just make sure you make a nice dinner while you can still stand and eat while you drink, that way you won’t get AS drunk or feel AS bad tomorrow”
I can’t believe I still listen to this guy, but….
I am shaking and sweating.
I’m getting so anxious that it’s causing me to get sharp pains in my chest and the inevitable heartburn starts.
Panic attack! Oh, shit! I HATE THOSE!
The beer annex in the Walmart was closed.
Look at me! So full of moxy and blazing with self confidence (I know better) I went to a convenience store next door to the Walmart to get me a lemonade or something…
I had triumphed.
My chest hurt. I needed some Zantac
I blinked my eyes and found myself in front of the beer cooler, looking at the beer.
I was trembling….
I felt sick, I felt nervous, I felt scared and weak….I felt mad.
I know me….
Left Trey said “Ok, don’t get a 12 pack then, just get 2 forties”
Compromise; second line of attack
It was such a terrible craving attack.
Left Trey can be a ruthless bastard! Damn near killed me a few times.
I haven’t had a craving this serious in years.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have “bad” cravings everyday. Little bitty ones but, not like this one was.
This was the kind of craving that ends up with me locked in a motel room for 4 days in the dark, hating myself, looking for the courage to find a way out of my head….
You see? I know me…
It made me physically ill and scared the shit out of me.
Too damn close, man….
Why now, after so long, I wonder? That’s the really scary part.
I’m gonna have to be on alert.
Always fucking there, dude!
Jeez, I don’t need a relapse, man . Not like THIS…
I’m doing soo much better!
I won for the day though.
That’s a good sign, I guess.
I’m still willing to fight for my soul.
I have been for a long time.
“Do not become frustrated or discouraged when starting a new path in your life because eventually you will shake off the dust of the old path” – Me
“The Noble 8 Fold path teaches that through restraining oneself, cultivating discipline, practicing mindfulness and meditation,the enlightened ones can stop their craving, clinging and their karmic accumulations; thus ending their rebirth of suffering.” Wikipedia
One thought on “Battlefield, Me. ”
One day at a time. You can always call someone if you’re in the program.