The First, Real Step…


Over and over, throughout my life I have “started” again.

Tomorrow is the first day of my life; so it goes.

I am tired of starting over.

I am tired of failing in things that I believe are important but seems to turn out, not important enough for me to follow thru on.

Lets bring us all up to date, shall I?

I joined the LDS church when I was 1 month shy of my 20th birthday.

I have been battling with it ever since.

I am now, 54.

35 freaking years….

I have had my “stalwart” phases and my “apostate” phases.

I have been diligent in tithing, the Word of Wisdom, temple recommends, church callings…etc., and so forth.

At times.

And….I am an alcoholic; well, a dormant alcoholic.

I’m no where as bad or prolific as I once was….and in the words of my childhood evangelical baptist upbringing “THANK YA JESUS, CAN I GET AN AMEN?”

I have denied the existence of God.

I have reasoned out the impossibility of Christ actually being the really real son of God.

I have thought Joseph Smith was deceived by either demons or aliens during the First Vision.

I have also stood in the Sacred Grove and cried like a baby.

Unworthy in the Sacred Grove

That was just last year…..smh.

It is always a battle and I am tired of it.

Why can’t I submit or make a decision or whatever….shit or get off the pot?

Why can’t I be what I want to be….?

I want to be what I believe worthy should be.

But, my main problem is; is that I’m weak.

I have no concept of how people can live their entire lives as a devout and shining example of what a Christlike person should be.

Blows my mind.

Not just LDS…any faith for that matter….

There are devout followers of all kinds of Gods around the world.

It doesn’t matter to me what a person believes as long as it makes them happy; doesn’t hurt, persecute, discriminate or wrongly deceive the ignorant and/or innocent.

I just choose to believe in the Christian ideal and I believe in what the LDS church teaches.

I do not care if you agree with me but, I want you to understand me.

Love me for who I am.

See, I can stand on a soap box, just fine.

I can also drink myself into a stupor and deny God.

****************

I haven’t drank for a long time but, I think about it everyday.

I haven’t been to church in a long time but, I think about it everyday.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve quit wearing my garments (mythical Mormon underwear) because I either didn’t feel worthy at the time or I thought they were stupid….

I can’t tell you how many times I have put all of my church stuff in storage; my Book of Mormon, my Bible, My records…patriarchal blessing, blah blah blah…..for the same reasons as above.

I got tired of looking at them.

They got on my nerves.

Always laying around, judging me.

But, inexplicably, I have not or will not throw them away.

For some reason, I keep them and I don’t know why.

Because I know I’ll go back to being…..worthy?

That I’ll keep fruitlessly, at least in my mind, attempting to be the LDS man that I want to be?

You know what?

My wife isn’t even LDS.

She’s Pentecostal.

Her dad was a preacher in that church and she absolutely does not believe in what I believe and that’s cool with me.

I do not care if she believes me.

I never give it a thought what she believes; not once. I could honestly care less.

I’m just glad she believes in God and likes me regardless of my membership in an evil “cult”….smh

I fight and fight and fight.

As you can tell I use this blog as a way to work thru stuff and I continuously keep trying and trying to……convince myself? Probably like a lot of you reading this.

So dang frustrating, I swear.

Well, I’m gonna cut this short because I’m kind of at work and I keep drifting into deeper thought (we LDS call this phenomenon “pondering”)

Deeper introspections to the point that I lose my chain of thought.

I have said this so many times in some of my earlier posts “Saints are sinners that never quit trying”

I feel like a failure, a terrible person.

I know that I try but not good or hard enough. I do not sacrifice.

I am the worst kind of “natural man”

I swear this is gonna drive me further insane.

I can see it now “Man dies from religious torment”

I may be going insane; they always say people start getting religiously delusional as they slip closer into the white jacket with 8′ sleeves that tie in the back club

Back to, the cutting it short thing….

Battle, battle, battle.

I’m gonna keep on trying, I guess.

There is something to this or else I would have totally blown it off YEARS AGO.

This is the only thing in my life that has lingered or kept my interests for so long.

I know this because I’m slightly narcissistic and self absorbed..I lose interest VERY QUICKLY.

Anywho, thx for reading.

I’m sorry I said a dirty word but, it’s only a word.

I’ll write more, I swear.

“I am a traveler that will not stay on the path”

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