Relieved To Not Know

Crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy.

But, what if I SUSPECT that I’m crazy?

What if I’m Suspicious; nay, DUBIOUS of the voices in my head telling me that I MAY be crazy or that I’m crazy to think I’m crazy….?

What if I can’t trust myself, because I know me; I know how I can be. I know how many times I’ve let myself down…

I’m the kind of friend to myself that I love but can’t really trust completely or count on in a crisis.

They/me always lose their/my s*** in terse situations…

Fold like a lawn chair.

But, I keep on forgiving me…even after all the times I’ve let me down. Because, I know, deep down, that I love me in my own special way but, I know that I’m crazy sooo…

I get a pass….

I mean, I’m pretty sure I love me but, I also know that when times get tough, sometimes I’ll disappear or blow things off as not disastrous as initially thought and I’ll lie to me if my butt is on the line or think I’ll get mad at myself.

But, what if I AM crazy?

What if I’m really no friend to myself at all?

What if I’ve just been using myself?!

What if ignorance really IS bliss?

Does that mean that since I am a “naturally” happy, vivacious, fun-loving, morning, midday, afternoon, all-day person that I’m really just overly ignorant living in this utter bliss, bathed in crazy?

What if I am normal?

What if….I’m. Normal?

Oh. My. Heck.

What if….

I am normal crazy?!

What if, all the talking in my head, the anxieties, the mini-disaster movies playing thru my mind, ALL OF THE CRAZY that I am CONVINCED that I am, is really….just in my head….?

What If….

All the definitions and nuances that the world accepts as standards to be considered “CRAZY” were invented by a “normal crazy” person?

But, we all know that there are no normal people.

So, HOW THE HECK DO I KNOW IF I’M CRAZY OR NORMAL!?

Jesus was the only perfect person that I am aware of but, he was too nice & loving to tell anyone that they were crazy!! Remember the guy and the swine?! Jesus didn’t tell people they were crazy, he just heals them.

How can anyone tell me that I’m normal?

I can believe it when they tell me I’m crazy because of the adage “Takes one, to know one”

“I can smell your crazy”

*shudder*

What if I’ve been normal this whole time?

What if I’ve never actually been crazy!?

WHAT IF I HAVE REACTED TO EVERY DISASTROUS SITUATION IN A NORMAL, FULLY FUNCTIONAL WAY!!?

What if…?

If I’m not crazy, I’m gonna be PISSED.

Without my crazy, I will have absolutely no excuses for my behavior, to fall back on.

Crazy, you complete me.

I need my crazy; it’s so obvious.

But, what if I’m really really the only normal person that has ever existed; other than Jesus, I mean?

I wonder if Jesus had his crazy moments…?

What if Jesus….wondered if HE was crazy? Hearing heavenly, ethereal voices, seeing angels, talking to dead people…?

….thinking he is the son of God….

How crazy is that, he’d think.

What. If. When Jesus found out he was perfect, but KNEW he didn’t FEEL perfect, totally convinced that he was NOT PERFECT.

What if Jesus worried about stuff…?

Do you think Joseph Smith thought he was crazy? Himself, I mean?

Would I think I’m crazy, if I had a prayer answered by God & Jesus, in person?

Or would I know that I wasn’t crazy because, it was real?

I’m sure God would let me know that this wasn’t crazy town, that it was actually him…

But you can’t trust crazy, can we?

Can you POSSIBLY imagine what a 14 yr old Joseph Smith was thinking when he walked out of that Grove of trees behind his small house, known what he now knew? Looking at his home, his dad in the adjacent field, the chickens in the yard, his mother looking out of the back door, with a look on her face, wondering why he was in the woods; the clothes drying on the line, slowly moving in the breeze.

Did that just happen, he’d have thought?

Normal thought right?

Or, is it?

Am I crazy?

How do I know?

They say that God talks to people all of the time but, other people always tell them that they’re crazy.

What if God is the voice in my head telling me that I’m NOT crazy?

That I’m only normal crazy?

I hate being normal.

It’s so obvious, now.

Crazy to think so.