I am LDS (Mormon)
I am so glad that I have been held up to a standard of perfection in my life.
I’m sure that there are many of you that have probably been thru or may actually be going thru the same things that I am about to describe, pertaining to my life experience.
I screwed up a lot when I was younger.
What?! Noooo….get out of town!
No, no…I’m serious.
I lied, I cheated, I was sneaky and I did drugs, alcohol; typical crazy person.
Jumping from job to job, moving from house to house, apartment to apartment, family to family, then finally into a homeless shelter.
I was spiraling out of control and she wasn’t gonna sit around and wait for me to come around. She had to protect her children because I obviously didn’t.
That’s when my first wife told me that she was divorcing me after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids; and had found someone else…..
I didn’t know what to do.
Can you actually believe that I was shocked?
You see, I was phenomenally naive and immature for a 27 year old. I still am really; now at this ripe old age of 54.
Well, I left her and my kids high and dry.
I started out seeing my kids but, seeing her with someone else and my kids being cared for by another person, I couldn’t take it.
Yes, I was selfish, self-centered, immature and a raving butthole.
How dare she leave me for someone else! She can pay for the kids on her own. that’ll teach her!
I’m sorry to say, I think that was in my mind at the time.
This all started in 1991, the divorce.
After that, I went to hell for a while. Say, 15 years; give or take.
I was homeless.
I went to college.
I was a trench coat wearing, brown bag guzzling drunk.
I donated plasma; A lot.
I worked at the bishops storehouse, donating my time.
I did enjoy this but, I needed something to do. Idle hands and all that.
I worked at a Home Depot. Loved this job. Lost it because I went to rehab for 28 days.
Got arrested for DUI the day I got out of rehab.
Back to homeless shelters, riding the city bus and sitting in libraries to pass the time, since I didn’t’t have anywhere to stay.
It’s not like I didn’t have extended family to call, people that didn’t know how bad I had gotten that would have taken me in but, I wouldn’t ask.
I was too proud…..
HA! Proud, he says.
Stupid, more like.
They probably could have helped me but, I was in the “I’ll just let them down again” phase in my self-exile of self-diagnosed depression.
Oh, I almost killed myself 3 times within a month. I don’t know if I consciously made the decision to off myself and now, when I have no reason or desire to lie, I can’t honestly say that I was actually trying to end it all. Especially when I have gotten into loads of trouble on this blog for stating my opinions on people that commit suicide. So selfish, I say. Worst thing you can do to your family, it’s a sin…blah blah blah; but, there you go…
I think that’s when I thought or started to figure out that I wasn’t depressed. I was just having a bad time and causing most of it myself.
Yeah, I had a rough childhood by some standards but, it wasn’t that bad, in hindsight.
My dad was a hard man. Quick to anger, had high expectations for a kid, was heavy handed and treated my mom like crap.
My mom was…..just existing really. I haven’t seen her since 2001.
I was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy or two, sometime while I was in the 4th grade. The summer beofre the 5th, I think.
I’ll explain more, on that subject.
Oh, before I forget. My baby sister says that I molested her when we were still living at home and all in school.
I have denied this for years for apparent reasons. There’s no way I could do that to anyone.
But, she believes it. So much that she hasn’t spoken to or seen me since 2001, either.
I will say this;
I deny it still.
If I did, I do not remember.
It’s just not there.
But, I am so desperate to have my sister back, I will admit to anything. I will accept all blame for everything perpetuated on her or throughout the history of mankind, if she would just talk to me.
I’ve lost a whole lot of years with her and her children because of me and my past.
I’ll never get it back.
I admit to everything.
I’ve lost so many possible memories and life experiences with my family and kids, and now grandchildren.
They don’t even know I exist.
My children have nothing to do with me.
I think I saw my oldest son 6 years ago.
I mean, I troll them on Facebook thru their mom but, I don’t communicate with them.
My oldest son will answer me occasionally but, not too much.
I’ll gladly accept what crumbs are proferred.
Do I blame them or my ex-wife?
Kinda, and no.
The selfish part of me thinks that I don’t deserve this life sentence.
The older, more mature, realistic man that I have become says, hell no. I did it to myself.
You reap what you sew.
What about forgiveness?
What about a person changing throughout many years, working thru issues and growing as a person. Becoming a better man?
What about saying “I am not that person anymore, that all happened years and years ago.”
Why am I being held to that standard of perfection when there’s absolutely no way a person can be perfect and then condemned to a life of regrets and self-hate?
How come?! Why, why why?!
Here’s the Mormon part of me….
Yes, I keep trying to endure to the end. One day, I’ll get it close. I hope…
I forgive you all for not forgiving me.
I know it’s hard and I know your feel justified but, you’re wrong to make me continue throughout this life without you in it.
I am turning into a lonely old man and it’s scaring me to death.
I’m tired of being punished for things that I did years ago.
I actually believe in, pray for and expect forgiveness.
Heavenly Father created it for this reason. Because, people can change.
I admit to all sexual abuse, natural disasters, the lottery, bad thoughts and courdoroy…
Just, forgive me. I beg of you.
I’m glad that the Lord’s plan had your mother find a better partner to raise you correctly and love you as their own. To give you what I wasn’t able to do.
I would have screwed you up, with what I was going thru.
Your Mom and Heavenly Father made a good decision. For that time….
I forgive all of you for not forgiving me.
I do understand. It just continues to make me sad.
I’m tired of being sad.
I don’t blame you.
But……I just wish, sometimes, you know? That we could be together again.
I’m just getting old.
Don’t worry about it. Forget what I said. It doesn’t matter, really.
Ok, I got the self pity out of the way.
I love y’all, whether you like it or not and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.