Only Works If You Work It…

I am LDS (Mormon)

I am so glad that I have been held up to a standard of perfection in my life.

I’m sure that there are many of you that have probably been thru or may actually be going thru the same things that I am about to describe, pertaining to my life experience.

I screwed up a lot when I was younger.

What?! Noooo….get out of town!

No, no…I’m serious.

I lied, I cheated, I was sneaky and I did drugs, alcohol; typical crazy person.

Jumping from job to job, moving from house to house, apartment to apartment, family to family, then finally into a homeless shelter.

I was spiraling out of control and she wasn’t gonna sit around and wait for me to come around. She had to protect her children because I obviously didn’t.

That’s when my first wife told me that she was divorcing me after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids; and had found someone else…..

I didn’t know what to do.

Can you actually believe that I was shocked?

You see, I was phenomenally naive and immature for a 27 year old. I still am really; now at this ripe old age of 54.

Well, I left her and my kids high and dry.

I started out seeing my kids but, seeing her with someone else and my kids being cared for by another person, I couldn’t take it.

Yes, I was selfish, self-centered, immature and a raving butthole.

How dare she leave me for someone else! She can pay for the kids on her own. that’ll teach her!

I’m sorry to say, I think that was in my mind at the time.

This all started in 1991, the divorce.

After that, I went to hell for a while. Say, 15 years; give or take.

I was homeless.

I went to college.

I was a trench coat wearing, brown bag guzzling drunk.

I donated plasma; A lot.

I worked at the bishops storehouse, donating my time.

I did enjoy this but, I needed something to do. Idle hands and all that.

I worked at a Home Depot. Loved this job. Lost it because I went to rehab for 28 days.

Got arrested for DUI the day I got out of rehab.

Back to homeless shelters, riding the city bus and sitting in libraries to pass the time, since I didn’t’t have anywhere to stay.

It’s not like I didn’t have extended family to call, people that didn’t know how bad I had gotten that would have taken me in but, I wouldn’t ask.

I was too proud…..

HA! Proud, he says.

Stupid, more like.

They probably could have helped me but, I was in the “I’ll just let them down again” phase in my self-exile of self-diagnosed depression.

Oh, I almost killed myself 3 times within a month. I don’t know if I consciously made the decision to off myself and now, when I have no reason or desire to lie, I can’t honestly say that I was actually trying to end it all. Especially when I have gotten into loads of trouble on this blog for stating my opinions on people that commit suicide. So selfish, I say. Worst thing you can do to your family, it’s a sin…blah blah blah; but, there you go…

I think that’s when I thought or started to figure out that I wasn’t depressed. I was just having a bad time and causing most of it myself.

Yeah, I had a rough childhood by some standards but, it wasn’t that bad, in hindsight.

My dad was a hard man. Quick to anger, had high expectations for a kid, was heavy handed and treated my mom like crap.

My mom was…..just existing really. I haven’t seen her since 2001.

I was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy or two, sometime while I was in the 4th grade. The summer beofre the 5th, I think.

I’ll explain more, on that subject.

Oh, before I forget. My baby sister says that I molested her when we were still living at home and all in school.

I have denied this for years for apparent reasons. There’s no way I could do that to anyone.

But, she believes it. So much that she hasn’t spoken to or seen me since 2001, either.

I will say this;

I deny it still.

If I did, I do not remember.

It’s just not there.

But, I am so desperate to have my sister back, I will admit to anything. I will accept all blame for everything perpetuated on her or throughout the history of mankind, if she would just talk to me.

I’ve lost a whole lot of years with her and her children because of me and my past.

I’ll never get it back.

I admit to everything.

I’ve lost so many possible memories and life experiences with my family and kids, and now grandchildren.

They don’t even know I exist.

My children have nothing to do with me.

I think I saw my oldest son 6 years ago.

I mean, I troll them on Facebook thru their mom but, I don’t communicate with them.

My oldest son will answer me occasionally but, not too much.

I’ll gladly accept what crumbs are proferred.

Do I blame them or my ex-wife?

Kinda, and no.

The selfish part of me thinks that I don’t deserve this life sentence.

The older, more mature, realistic man that I have become says, hell no. I did it to myself.

You reap what you sew.

But, forever?

What about forgiveness?

What about a person changing throughout many years, working thru issues and growing as a person. Becoming a better man?

What about saying “I am not that person anymore, that all happened years and years ago.”

Why am I being held to that standard of perfection when there’s absolutely no way a person can be perfect and then condemned to a life of regrets and self-hate?

How come?! Why, why why?!

Here’s the Mormon part of me….

Yes, I keep trying to endure to the end. One day, I’ll get it close. I hope…

Anywho….

I forgive you all for not forgiving me.

I know it’s hard and I know your feel justified but, you’re wrong to make me continue throughout this life without you in it.

I am turning into a lonely old man and it’s scaring me to death.

I’m tired of being punished for things that I did years ago.

I actually believe in, pray for and expect forgiveness.

Heavenly Father created it for this reason. Because, people can change.

I admit to all sexual abuse, natural disasters, the lottery, bad thoughts and courdoroy…

Just, forgive me. I beg of you.

I’m glad that the Lord’s plan had your mother find a better partner to raise you correctly and love you as their own. To give you what I wasn’t able to do.

I would have screwed you up, with what I was going thru.

Your Mom and Heavenly Father made a good decision. For that time….

I forgive all of you for not forgiving me.

I do understand. It just continues to make me sad.

I’m tired of being sad.

It’s ok..

I don’t blame you.

But……I just wish, sometimes, you know? That we could be together again.

I’m sorry.

I’m just getting old.

Don’t worry about it. Forget what I said. It doesn’t matter, really.

Ok, I got the self pity out of the way.

I love y’all, whether you like it or not and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.