I am LDS (Mormon)
I am so glad that I have been held up to a standard of perfection in my life.
I’m sure that there are many of you that have probably been thru or may actually be going thru the same things that I am about to describe, pertaining to my life experience.
I screwed up a lot when I was younger.
What?! Noooo….get out of town!
No, no…I’m serious.
I lied, I cheated, I was sneaky and I did drugs, alcohol; typical crazy person.
Jumping from job to job, moving from house to house, apartment to apartment, family to family, then finally into a homeless shelter.
I was spiraling out of control and she wasn’t gonna sit around and wait for me to come around. She had to protect her children because I obviously didn’t.
That’s when my first wife told me that she was divorcing me after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids; and had found someone else…..
I didn’t know what to do.
Can you actually believe that I was shocked?
You see, I was phenomenally naive and immature for a 27 year old. I still am really; now at this ripe old age of 54.
Well, I left her and my kids high and dry.
I started out seeing my kids but, seeing her with someone else and my kids being cared for by another person, I couldn’t take it.
Yes, I was selfish, self-centered, immature and a raving butthole.
How dare she leave me for someone else! She can pay for the kids on her own. that’ll teach her!
I’m sorry to say, I think that was in my mind at the time.
This all started in 1991, the divorce.
After that, I went to hell for a while. Say, 15 years; give or take.
I was homeless.
I went to college.
I was a trench coat wearing, brown bag guzzling drunk.
I donated plasma; A lot.
I worked at the bishops storehouse, donating my time.
I did enjoy this but, I needed something to do. Idle hands and all that.
I worked at a Home Depot. Loved this job. Lost it because I went to rehab for 28 days.
Got arrested for DUI the day I got out of rehab.
Back to homeless shelters, riding the city bus and sitting in libraries to pass the time, since I didn’t’t have anywhere to stay.
It’s not like I didn’t have extended family to call, people that didn’t know how bad I had gotten that would have taken me in but, I wouldn’t ask.
I was too proud…..
HA! Proud, he says.
Stupid, more like.
They probably could have helped me but, I was in the “I’ll just let them down again” phase in my self-exile of self-diagnosed depression.
Oh, I almost killed myself 3 times within a month. I don’t know if I consciously made the decision to off myself and now, when I have no reason or desire to lie, I can’t honestly say that I was actually trying to end it all. Especially when I have gotten into loads of trouble on this blog for stating my opinions on people that commit suicide. So selfish, I say. Worst thing you can do to your family, it’s a sin…blah blah blah; but, there you go…
I think that’s when I thought or started to figure out that I wasn’t depressed. I was just having a bad time and causing most of it myself.
Yeah, I had a rough childhood by some standards but, it wasn’t that bad, in hindsight.
My dad was a hard man. Quick to anger, had high expectations for a kid, was heavy handed and treated my mom like crap.
My mom was…..just existing really. I haven’t seen her since 2001.
I was sexually abused by an older neighbor boy or two, sometime while I was in the 4th grade. The summer beofre the 5th, I think.
I’ll explain more, on that subject.
Oh, before I forget. My baby sister says that I molested her when we were still living at home and all in school.
I have denied this for years for apparent reasons. There’s no way I could do that to anyone.
But, she believes it. So much that she hasn’t spoken to or seen me since 2001, either.
I will say this;
I deny it still.
If I did, I do not remember.
It’s just not there.
But, I am so desperate to have my sister back, I will admit to anything. I will accept all blame for everything perpetuated on her or throughout the history of mankind, if she would just talk to me.
I’ve lost a whole lot of years with her and her children because of me and my past.
I’ll never get it back.
I admit to everything.
I’ve lost so many possible memories and life experiences with my family and kids, and now grandchildren.
They don’t even know I exist.
My children have nothing to do with me.
I think I saw my oldest son 6 years ago.
I mean, I troll them on Facebook thru their mom but, I don’t communicate with them.
My oldest son will answer me occasionally but, not too much.
I’ll gladly accept what crumbs are proferred.
Do I blame them or my ex-wife?
Kinda, and no.
The selfish part of me thinks that I don’t deserve this life sentence.
The older, more mature, realistic man that I have become says, hell no. I did it to myself.
You reap what you sew.
What about forgiveness?
What about a person changing throughout many years, working thru issues and growing as a person. Becoming a better man?
What about saying “I am not that person anymore, that all happened years and years ago.”
Why am I being held to that standard of perfection when there’s absolutely no way a person can be perfect and then condemned to a life of regrets and self-hate?
How come?! Why, why why?!
Here’s the Mormon part of me….
Yes, I keep trying to endure to the end. One day, I’ll get it close. I hope…
I forgive you all for not forgiving me.
I know it’s hard and I know your feel justified but, you’re wrong to make me continue throughout this life without you in it.
I am turning into a lonely old man and it’s scaring me to death.
I’m tired of being punished for things that I did years ago.
I actually believe in, pray for and expect forgiveness.
Heavenly Father created it for this reason. Because, people can change.
I admit to all sexual abuse, natural disasters, the lottery, bad thoughts and courdoroy…
Just, forgive me. I beg of you.
I’m glad that the Lord’s plan had your mother find a better partner to raise you correctly and love you as their own. To give you what I wasn’t able to do.
I would have screwed you up, with what I was going thru.
Your Mom and Heavenly Father made a good decision. For that time….
I forgive all of you for not forgiving me.
I do understand. It just continues to make me sad.
I’m tired of being sad.
I don’t blame you.
But……I just wish, sometimes, you know? That we could be together again.
I’m just getting old.
Don’t worry about it. Forget what I said. It doesn’t matter, really.
Ok, I got the self pity out of the way.
I love y’all, whether you like it or not and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.
2 thoughts on “Only Works If You Work It…”
Good. Self-pity over. Waste of time for too long. Now, do something positive for someone else every day. Even better if they don’t know about it. Guess what? It’s all about giving love. What are you saving it for? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Use it wisely. We’re all trying to do our best.
Work’n on it! Always