I will be 55 years old in 2 months.
I was just 16, last week…
I’m sure there a thousands upon thousands of blogs that expound upon the art of aging and the inevitability of death.
But since I’m not much of a reader, I don’t see them; well, bits and pieces. I do read sometimes but, I swear the very act of looking at words on a page/screen has an almost immediate somnolent effect on me.
It’s not my fault. I truly wish I wasn’t this way.
I read the required, forced upon me, books while growing up; e.g., 1984, Charlottes Web, Ol’Yeller, My Side of The Mountain…blah blah blah
But, that was under duress.
Now that audiobooks have hit the scene, I have over 400 books in my library in the last 7 years.
I am voracious with audiobooks.
Anywho, I’m getting off the intended subject of todays post.
I am not liking this getting old thing.
I am not a fan.
I hurt, I’m terrified of death. There, I said it.
No, I do not have the level of religious faith in anything to be comforted about anything. Oh, how I wish that I did.
Trust me, I work at it.
I am constatntly battling with myself in the faith category. I don’t even know if I can. I think I used to be pretty good with it but, it seems long ago.
Getting older, more cynical you think?
Why worry about something that I can’t change?
Yes, I know that the scriptures explain things and yes, being a Mormon, oops, a Latter-Day Saint, affords me even more knowledge since we have lots of scriptures; hence. MORE INFO about the hereafter!
I really don’t know why I have this…..should I say irrational fear?
Is being afraid of death, irrational?
Trust in God?
Oh, I do. But, I’m also a freaking patron of the free will that he has given me, DAMMIT!!!
I believe in dinosaurs, I believe in evolution, I believe that aliens visited the Sumarians, Greeks, Egyptians and Meso-Americans, that JFK was killed by the CIA. I believe there are lots and lots of other souls in this universe, that we, as humans are egotistical and arrogant and that God is not here.
Why would he give us free will and then hover over us?
See what I mean? I’m an irritating skeptic.
There is no way that we can know the mind of God.
If you try and create an image of God in your brain, you have already failed to encompass that which is God.
I have a few things going for me though:
- I do believe in God
- I know that I am only human and will never know everything
- I am a good person
Why did Heavenly Father give us a moral compass?
Concentrate on this compass. Think about it.
Do you actually see a “gray”area?
Yeah, me neither.
“You have to consider all the…”
No. No you don’t.
“It’s not that simple…”
Yes. Yes it is.
Gray is a color created by mankind as an excuse for us….
That’s probably the reason we have so many colors.
To cover up the gray?
Here’s a creepy thought: Gray is the color of shade.
I am not perfect. I quit pretending to be sometime ago.
I decided to keep my beliefs, both spiritual and moral, to myself.
I no longer voice an opinion unless asked or begged and I always add the bonus “I’m not one to ask” or “Who am I to give any advice worth a crap?”
My best is don’t do what I did, kinda logic; because I probably did it and did it wrong.
But, I’ve learned and am still learning.
At least, for now, until I get freaking Alzhiemers ….because I know I will.
Oh, I’m a hypochondriac too unless you havent read any of my previous posts and weren’t aware of that happy fact.
oh, and a pessimist….
I’m a terrible Mormon. Oops, Latter-Day Saint.
I don’t know why I woke up so philosophical and bent out of shape this morning.
A portent of blah for the coming week, no doubt.
I need to get off this train, I’m gonna talk myself into a blue funk.
I need a cat video.
Anyways, I’m sorry I’ve rambled but, I feel a little better.
This blog idea I got 7 years ago is still great therapy for the crazy person.
Just give us a shout out in your next prayer and I’d be grateful.
Because, although I’m too lazy to get on my knees and pray, I do pray silently all of the time.
Some people must think that I’m talking to myself but, that’s the rub….ain’t it.
I’m talking to myself, God is in me…so, there you go.
I am crazy…I guess.
Thanx for listening.
P.S: Honesty alert!
One of the best things that God ever did was to put into my head that certain things are unforgivable; to me at least.
2) Hurting a child or helpless person
I honestly believe that I could never commit the first two of these self-imposed taboos.
If Heavenly Father had not set this in my mind early on, as an unpardonable sin, then I would definitely be dead. I don’t think I’d have made it past the age of 14.