I’m kinda bummed out and I don’t know why.
I just finished like, 3 online tests to see if I’m depressed or mentally ill and the results were quite unexpected…
Out of 99 “symptoms & flags” I appear to not be neither mentally ill or depressed…
WTH!?
I demand to be mentally ill!
If I am not (I’ll use MI for crazy) then what else do I have left to blame all of my troubles on?
I can’t blame myself because, I know how I am or can be and I think I’m MI so, obviously I’m not a good judge of MI….so, I can’t be relied upon to render an accurate diagnosis, thus ruling out my participation in any and/or blame on my part.
That’s a relief, I guess.
I hate blaming me for anything since most everything that happens to me is out of my control or other peoples fault.
I can’t blame my parents because they only did what they knew; which was not much.
Since it hinged mainly upon intimidation, abuse and belittlement, I guess I’m only as good as how I was raised.
Analogy plug-in:
If you build a house on a fragile, broken foundation, it will not be stable.
You can shore it up, remodel the house with new bricks and other “reinforcing techniques” to make it stronger, more beautiful and habitable.
But, the foundation will always be fragile.
Stronger, different. Not the house that you grew up in; but still very fragile.
You look back at this beautifully remodeled house that you worked on so hard and put so much time and tears into, with the ever present fear that it can come crashing down at any moment.
All it takes is a little shift in the foundation….
You accept the fact that it will always be fragile.
Learning to live with that fact is the key to not going crazy later…
I guess I can’t blame my parents for everything. They were only human. Bad as I hate admitting that.
It’d be so much easier and more convenient if I could.
C’est la vie!
However; do not lose hope!
I can blame them for a few things, which takes more blame from off my shoulders and sense of responsibility; which I like.
That’s better….
But, my kids can blame me for a lot so…..
I guess that balances out the blame.
Thank God my kids are way better people than I can take any credit for.
Other than the fact of my being an EXCELLENT example of what NOT to do.
I am a trailblazer for my kin.
Do not go down my road.
I have seen what is in that direction and it is not good.
It is very long, few cutbacks, few u-turns and all of the off-roads are worse.
I can’t blame God because, it never really fulfills my satisfaction in focusing on whom or what to blame.
Reasons I can’t blame God:
- There is no God. We are only fancy primates
- There is a God and there is a plan; Trust in God.
I have to choose that there is a God, dang it.
To be honest though, I sometimes wish I didn’t believe in God.
I suppose I’m probably not the only person that has ever said that…
Eskimo: ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?’
Priest: ‘No, not if you did not know.’
Eskimo: ‘Then, why did you tell me!?’
-Annie Dillard
How would I be if I’d never heard about God or religion?
Would my life be fuller, less guilt driven?
Would I have the same level of regret?
I’ll have to get into this later.
Where to put the blame….?
Not me, not my parents, not God; evidently.
So who’s left to blame?
Society?
Maybe, I could blame society a little.
But, not enough.
Waaaaait…..
Here’s a thought..
What if there’s actually not enough blame to go around?
Crap.
Sometimes I hate my therapeutic blog…
I can work thru my daily issue of the moment and gradually figure it out; plus, more times than not, it makes me feel better, dammit.
After I build up all of my energy, to wallow in my well deserved self pity and self-recriminations, only to eventually work through them…..is kind of a buzzkill.
I have to start back over, all positive and uplifted and crap.
Sometimes I hate being happy in the morning….
No. I take that back.
Happy is good.
Sad is bad.
Who can I blame for anything really?
God, this is frustrating
But…. I guess you know that.
I hate being positive and introspective.
Everything Hurts & I'm Dying 