C’est La Me

Today is my 55th birthday.

There are things that I want to accomplish in my life, what’s left to me by the grace of God, that I must no longer ignore or take for granted.

There are millions and millions of people in this worlds history that did not get to live as long as I have, despite the self-destructive attitude I once “actively” engendered.

So many times I have almost destroyed myself, albeit mostly unintentionally, I can however admit that I did manage to keep actual suicide attempts below 3…Now, with that said, life has not been easy, nor too hard.

But at least I have a life; one that is ongoing.

I have a life.

If it be one more day or 40 more years; I cannot take it, or anything for that matter, for granted any longer or ever again.

I will not.

I refuse.

It is an insult to all of the innocent souls throughout the ages that never got a chance to live as long as I, and in my opinion, were worthy of way more opportunity than I can attest to ever have taken advantage of.

Yes, I have a life; but up to this point I feel that I have squandered what meager talents and abilities I was born with.

I pissed away the first 54 years of my life.

Oh, I’ve had wonderful times, sad times, good times, bad times just like everyone else in history; c’est la vie.

But, in my own humble self-loathing mind, I have failed to meet my dreams and expectations.

I feel like a failure.

Unfortunately; or fortunately….today is my 55th birthday, and I remember a promise that I made myself, years ago…

If I made it this far; to this day; I would change things.

Well, I made it and I will keep that promise.

I must; it’s all I have to live for.

……the rest of forever.

As a matter of fact, I know for a fact that the process has already begun.

I can feel it in my mindset and heart.

I will handle life differently.

The old Trey is gone.

The older Trey, is here.

Now.

I made it, 55 years…..smh. Un-freaking believable but, c’est la vie.

I am no longer the person I was. C’est la Me.

Addendum:

For those of you that still harbor ill will towards me; some justified, most not, I want to say that I forgive you.

I forgive you.

As a matter of fact, I am sorry for everything bad that has ever happened to ANYONE on the face of the planet, since pond scum first crawled onto a beach and took the first shuttering breath.

I will accept all blame for everything terrible in y’alls lives if you will just consider adding me back into those very same lives; whomever you may be.

Forget the past, lets make new memories.

Hopefully, we will have years to spend, one with another.

……the rest of forever.