I think I’m slipping away.
I’m forgetting things, I shouldn’t.
I can’t focus.
My absent mindedness is a danger in my job.
The reason I realize this is the stark & alarming comparison to the younger me, between then & now.
Which I feel, more than remember. Know what I mean?
I used to be able to do calculus in my head.
I used to program code in the early days of the computing language. I was there when the industry started to explode & was impossible to keep up with the advances in technology, even then.
When I was Superman…
I used to tutor gifted children on materials science, robotics & electrical theory & the real-life applications of said fields.
I used to have ideas that made me excited; make me rich!
I should have noticed that it wasn’t normal, the rate that I couldn’t focus on one particular area for very long before my interests strayed or a new insight took me in another direction.
Another hint; When I became interested in something, I was OBSESSED until I achieved a working & practical knowledge of that particular subject, got bored with it, then moved ON: after I became knowledgeable of that particular focus.
I was an actual Jack of Many trades. Master of a few, competent in many, interestingly conversive in a vast array of hundreds of subjects.
I do remember the feelings of interest.
I just don’t remember the interests…
Oh, there’s flashes…but, not for long.
There’s still my dreams to remember or a “my type” of Total Recall scenario.
Was that real? Is that true or accurate? Did I actually LEARN about that?
I can’t remember…
I have learned that as soon as I get these flashes of memories, I stop whatever I’m doing and record it in my journal.
How long before I forget how to write…?
Do you know what’s super duper scary, to me?
Going thru my journal, reading some things and not having a clue WTF I was talking about; unless there’s an attached photo.
I’ve learned that trick. Visual bumps help my recall or the context/moment associated with the memory.
I feel like I’m slipping away.
Something feels off.
I am aware that there is something not right or normal in my life; in my mind.
I. Am. No longer. Me.
I used to know everything.
Or believed I did; and that’s the important point.
I could carry on & on in several subjects; a learned man. The go-to guy… Secure in my mind, in my creativity & focus. Secure of my spot in the universe. 🌟
I can’t remember how long it’s been between baths or changing clothes.
I can’t remember to take my meds or check my blood sugar, without a reminder app on my phone.
Which reminds me, see what I mean, I used to be able to give you a phone number, anyone’s phone number; people or places I was familiar with, anytime I was asked.
The wife is speed dial 2 & work is 3.
Hell, when I lay down my phone….If I didn’t have a phone locator app on my fancy smancy smart/dumb watch, I’d never find it.
I get nervous.
I get anxious & I panic.
I get scared.
I turned 56 yrs old, last month.
There is so much more that I want to know. So many things that I want to learn. But, it’s like I have become a sieve with tiny, tiny holes. I’ll retain the info, memories and such as, and it’ll fill up fast; faster than it’ll drain….
But, it does drain; continuously, at an even rate.
Good stuff, bad stuff, useful stuff…inane stuff.
So, I can’t stop filling my brain. Gotta stay ahead of the seepage. I mustn’t run out of things to think about.
To ponder, is good; is sanity.
I have to create new memories, new ideas, new art, new songs…
I have to keep creating & learning to live a life that keeps me interested and invested.
I was just thinking that, isn’t it amazing how many times things in our lives change?
The beliefs, the interests, the philosophical, the spiritual, the moral….the structures & intensities of these basic life statuses..?
Oh, and the majority of everything we know was taught to us by other people. Flawed people. Regular, everyday, run of the mill humans.
I guess that’s why truth is so important. We can’t be successful in anything without the proper knowledge.
Case in point: 2 glasses of water; identical.
Both contain exact amounts of a non-descript clear liquid.
One is water, the other is water with thallium in it.
They tastes the same….
One will kill you, over time. But, you will die.
Misinformation can kill you, in every manifestation. Physical, mental, literal, spiritual….etcetera/ad infinitum.
Don’t know why my chain of thought went down that particular path, all of a sudden….
See what I mean? Absolutely NO FOCUS.
Anywho, let me reread what I just wrote before I keep going.
Ok, I feel like I’m slipping away….evidently.
And I have to keep exercising my mind & body to try and slow down my rapid decay, halting the regression caused by years & years of bad social habits that I intentionally participated in. The ones that I did not intentionally experience? Well, I have scars for those.
All kinds of scars.
Any ways, thx for reading and being patient.
If no one reads this well, it served my original purpose for having a blog; to work thru my thoughts by writing them down, where I can visualize it better. Can y’all understand?
It’s easier for me that way. It’s more structured on the screen or paper than what I “see” in my mind.
Ok, well…thanks again.
3 thoughts on “Life Update”
I wish I could help. . .
They used to call this a “mid-life crisis.” I suppose it still is. There seems to come a time when your mind is so crammed full of knowledge that it slips a cog now and then, a blip, a hesitation, and that’s natural. It’s okay. I’m in my nineties, and I have to write down thoughts as they arise so I won’t forget them later. I double check a lot. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break.
I can’t. The whole “self-loathing” thing…