You Have GOT To Be Shitting Me!

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In the immortal lyrics of the greatest song ever recorded by Brittany Spears…

“Oops, I did it again…”

Now it’s in your head!

Muwahahaha!

Don’t you hate that?

Anywho….

I am sitting here at a Tyson foods plant in Hope, Arkansas waiting to be loaded with 20+ tons of genetically enhanced super chickens to export to the starving children in Russia and Saudi Arabia.

I decided that since I have some time to kill, I would try and think of a subject to write about and post it for your viewing pleasure.

I had no idea what I was going to write about.

As I went over the options in my clinically documented distorted sense of reality, I took my reading/typing glasses and sprayed them with lens cleaner.

Then, after a couple of squirts on my glasses I proceeded to point said spray bottle into my evidently stinky mouth and give the old tonsils and tongue a quick soaking!

The sacrifices I make for y’all……

“You DUMB-ASS, Why did we just do that?!” my mind screamed at me.

“AAcccckkkk!” my mouth screamed for real.

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So….I started to spit……   All over my laptop keyboard and screen.

There is nothing nastier than lens cleaner in your pie hole.

Especially if you ARE a dumb-ass…..

Things are always intensified and nastier when you are a dumb-ass.
It doesn’t matter what brain fart occurs; When you’re a dumb-ass you deserve everything that happens to you.

Of course I start cussing myself and calling myself a DA, using language that would make Eskimos fuck, but it won’t change anything.

I’ll do something again….soon.

I now believe that I have DA abnormalities in my DNA.

I have sprayed my mouth TWICE in less than 2 weeks.

Check one of my earlier blogs over the last couple of weeks, I freaking wrote about it!

If I’m lying, I’m dyin’ “

Anywho….

God, that stuff is nasty.

I’m munching on Townhouse crackers trying to kill the taste.

Did you know that when you cross Townhouse crackers with Lens cleaner it reaches a whole other level of “Kaaack!”

I now have linoleum in my face.

Oh, and while I’m raising hell, I might as well broach another complaint. (Y’all know how I tend to ramble sometimes)

Hey…You in the den….Shut it!

Anywho….

Why do we men have so much hair on our backs?

When God made us, I assume it was him, how come he designed our arms too short and bent in a weird way so we can’t shave it?

I mean the top part of the back, across the shoulder blades.

Even when I tried to reach back there and shave, my back looked like a landing strip for drug planes in a jungle.

We can reach our butts….

Does that mean we should shave our tooshies?

It’s kinda weird the first time, but when you splash that Hai-Karate across your ass….then give it a couple of good slaps to promote follicle stimulation for future shavings and finish off with a low heat session from the blow drier…..

I think I saw God that day…

I’m not waxing shit!    I’m not gay…..

Well, I do love a great Vietnamese Pedicure…..Maybe, I’m just a little gay.

Anywho….

Oh….Don’t shave your….guys….you know what I’m saying.

Don’t shave….down there.

First off…….You HAVE to use a RAZOR.

Smearing the shaving cream all over your….thingee’s…..is a grand time no doubt. (I’m always tired after the smearing part for some reason and never get to the shaving end of it…Hmmmm)

Don’t put razors down there…..

It’s bad….

You know how you get that feeling in your knees and stomach when you’re standing on the edge of a precipice, or ‘high place’ for you fellow dumb-asses?

“Go ahead….Jump” You’re brain says.

What if you listen to your brain and jump?

What if the same thing happens while your shaving….your….you know?

“Have at it big boy! Off with their heads!” Your fucked up brain screams.

You start hacking and chopping, laughing and screaming like a maniac….Shaving cream and blood spraying and splashing all over the bathroom!

“What are you doing!?” Your wife screams from behind you.

You turn around and say….”Nuttin’ honey…”

But you saw it in your mind didn’t you?

You were gonna cut off your hoo ha’s weren’t you, you sick bastard!?

Don’t do it.

I swear to God you’ll regret it.

Doesn’t really matter though, after 10 years of marriage your wife will put them in a jar and sit them on the fireplace mantle where you can look at them any time you want to.

Mine keeps the goldfish in there too.

Looks like a couple of honky sea urchins.

Anywho…

Okay…It seems that a zesty dill pickle and a Cajun pickled egg kills the taste of lens cleaner….

Good to know…..Write it down dumb-asses.

You know who you are.

This is how you can tell:

You know before you do something particularly risky, some THING that you have done before, that there is an element of relapse capability.

And you do it anyway….

Like bopping yourself in the mouth when pulling off a sock or shoe. (Mines always a muddy boot for some reason)

Here’s my favorite:

Opening the freezer door and the big door on the fridge, bending down to get something in the lower part, stand back up and “CracK!!!”

Enter Dumb-ass Valhalla.

Wish I had a dollar for every sunza bitchin’ time…..

Oh…..here’s another:

Reaching for a boiling pot handle or sizzling frying pan, knowing you should grab a pot-holder, but saying “Fuck it, I’m only going to hold it for a second, I’m just moving it to the back burner…..”

I’m not even gonna say anything else…….

Are you Shitting me!?!

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I just tipped over my pickle jar reaching for my soda mug…..

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!

I can’t believe this is happening as I write this post about DUMB-ASS occurrences!!

I knew the dang lid was off, I knew I’d get another pickle out but……

I’m a plague….I’m a freaking carrier of dumb-ass.

I’m a menace!

I’m gonna kill myself…..

Posted from WordPress by my Android by Treyzguy

Writers Block Prevention

The rest of this month I am going to write Stories based on artwork from Norman Rockwell and Boris Vallejo.

I will select my favorites from these two legendary men and use the pictures as both inspiration and theme.

Here is my first selections…

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Norman Rockwells “The girl with a black eye”

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Boris Vallejos ” Vampires Kiss”
(I already have ideas for this one!)

I know there is a fancy smancy writing definition or style name for this, but I ain’t learned like the rest of y’all.

I’m just a big dumb stinky truck driver.

Basically… The real reason?

I need a new challenge.

I need some dope man…!!

My own creative writing class, so to say.

I’m sure y’all know exactly what I mean.

Plus, I am trying to do some editing and blending to a bunch of my stories into a book I guess.

Just for the hell of it…

I really don’t care about making money for writing and I’m perfectly happy as I am now, learning the craft from y’all.

Why would you want to make a living doing something you love?

I’m a freaking American, I demand a shitty and unfullfilling job!

It’d turn into a job eventually.

Do I want to be published?

Naaahhh… I think I’d like to, but even if I had the only paper or hard back copy ever, that would be enough.

The Land of WordPressia has helped me grow as a novice writer and shown me satisfaction in my life that I considered was beyond my reach…. And taught this old dawg a new thing ‘er two.

I learn….
I read…
I express…
I write….

I watch in amazement the talent levels and creations that bloom forth from the minds of “regular” people on WordPress and it really gives me hope in our futures.

“Whatever man’s mind is capable of dreaming, his hands can create”
– Treyzguy

Posted from WordPress by my Android by Treyzguy

Gloomy in Nawlins’

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Looking out from the Port of New Orleans.
They say that there’s another cold front coming in and measurable snow.
If this keeps up, I see a resurgence in Voodoo worship and human sacrifice.

Posted from WordPress by my Android by Treyzguy

My Book Report

“Nicholas Nickleby”
By Charles Dickens

Awesome….

The audiobook narrated by Simon Vance 2009 Blackstone Audio is excellent.

This book has everything to draw physical responses from the reader!

*****
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Charles Dickens… The Master

Bitch

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Isn’t it easy to forget that some people can’t….

Turn over in bed

Touch their own nose

Scratch their knee

Fall down and get up on their own

Reach up high for grandma’s jelly

See a butterfly

See children play

Hear children play

Think they can hear a butterfly play

But most of us can….

Close our eyes and know what blue looks like

Hear a faucet drip….

Play Pin the Tail on the Donkey, then take off the blindfold….

Play hide and seek and be glad when we find someone that was in the dark and lost

Speak to a stranger no stranger than us

Leave the house, by ourself.

But we also….

Bitch about having to go to work

Bitch about the long line to cash your paycheck

Bitch about having only one car

Bitch about no hot water

Bitch about “I don’t like tomato soup”

Long line at the grocery store, and there’s no honey mustard pistachios….

The Wheelchair ramp is in the way

Vets are volunteers, they knew what they were getting into….

No one knows war, War is hell.

Have you ever met anyone that has returned from hell unscathed?

Why should they demand more?

Bitch about having to vote

Bitch about school prayer

Bitch about the Pledge of Allegiance

Bitch about  the Ten Commandments

Bitch about jury duty

Bitch about no Wi-Fi

But you can….

Feel the sun on your face

Feel a cool pillow under your head

Use the bathroom without help

Swim in the ocean

Take medicine when YOU want to..

Climb a tree

See lots of tree’s

Hear the tree’s…..

Isn’t it silly to bitch sometimes?

I catch myself doing it all the time..

But I forget how lucky I am, how truly lucky I am…

It is the doom of man that we forget

So… Remember to sweat the small stuff….

Be grateful and triumphant for the small things, no simpler than picking a penny off the floor.

Some people can’t do that you know….

Some people can’t see the penny…

Some people won’t hear the penny drop…

Some people have to actually save pennies….

Be grateful and triumphant that the soul is charitable by nature

But remember our small gifts…

Next time you trip and fall, be glad that you can laugh about it and walk on…

Rubbing your knee….

Next time you put a spoon to your mouth, remember the hungry, remember the handicapped

There should be no guilt in being healthy and whole

Just spread it around a little…

Give a piece of your soul

Don’t bitch about what we don’t have…

Bitch about doing more….

Bitch about bitching in the first place.

Love life

Share it

Enhance it in others

Please join us, in this human race.

Hump Day: A Shakespeare Sonnett

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(not Shakespeare)

Oh Wednesday
Oh Wednesday

When doth cometh unto me thy poor servant
A simple dabbler in verse or prose

Ye draw the stage curtains across my quill and type, a sense of thy redress

Whereas not a single soul is stirred in yon Land of WordPress.

Oh WordPressia
Oh WordPressia

Draw not thy stalwart shutter
Hump day is no bastion that must be held

‘Tis not the joyus painful rapture of a cell

An artist must creates

To manifest their wares before a Web site whereas Hump Day doth desolates

Is there voodoo in this place to keep admirers away

Is there an unreachable summit of the hump on this Hump day eve
That breaks my horde of followers to their very knees

I am abandoned oh Absalom(?)

Oh Absalom
Oh Worthy words

Fail not from thine worship of my inane verbs
Cast off thine fear and relief for Hump Day

Although Sunday was only 3 days ago, thy bitch and moan
“Hump Day, Hump Day whoop whoop!”

Twinkie Research

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I walked into Heavens Library the other day and noticed God (Jerry Garcia) sitting in a far corner, hunched over a stack of dusty research books resting on a converted picnic table with some crumpled papers and an IPad scattered around close by.

Jesus (Frank Zappa) was leaning over his father’s shoulder, pointing at a page that the Lord seemed to be studying with keen interest, his reading glasses resting precariously on the end of his nose.

Lazarus (Elvis Presley) was sitting at one end, his feet propped up on the table top, hands locked behind his head…..He was reading a book lying open across his lap, one blue suede shoe waggling.

I was surprised to catch them all in one spot like this, obviously engaged in the study of something important, something that was evidently heavy on their minds.

Lazarus noticed me first….

“Hey Trey!” he said, clomping the chair down on all fours, grabbing the open book from his lap and laying it on the table in one movement.

Jesus and God looked up at the same time.

Gods gap toothed grin was wide. He nodded his head toward a chair as Jesus pushed loose papers from in front of me, making a clear spot for me to sit.

I said “Hey guys what’s up!?”

“I haven’t seen this much concentration in one room since I found out what my pecker was for” I added jokingly.

God guffawed, Jesus just looked at me. Lazarus was back in his book, slowly flipping the pages back and forth.

God looked down at his pile of books then sat back, his eyes on me.

“Do you remember the last time we came by your house?” God asked [See The Question
“Yes….?” Said I      “Why?”   …..wary now

Jesus held up his hand to me, knowing my thoughts…..

“No no no….this has nothing to do with sipping a beer” he said.

I relaxed a little….Good, maybe they didn’t know about that other thingee…….

God continued “Remember when I was reading the cereal box while you guys were talking about life?”

I said “Yes….but what does…”     I didn’t finish, God continued….

“I came across something that I didn’t know about, that I couldn’t explain….and it got me to thinking….”

I looked at Jesus and Lazarus; the latter shrugged his shoulders, still flipping pages.

“On the cereal box?” I asked the Lordimagesy5e

“Yeessss….” God breathed out slowly.     Jesus passed a small piece of paper to me from his side of the table.

“Yellow #5?” I asked…..looking around

“What the hell is Yellow #5?” I asked again in that higher voice pitch that always follows a stupid question.

“What in the hell do you think we’re looking for?” Lazarus said, mocking my voice.

I flipped him off…..He started to reciprocate but stopped when Jesus cut a sharp glance at him.

“He started it” Lazarus moped, putting his face back into the book laid out before him.

“What is Yellow #5, where did it come from, what does it….do, who created it?” sing-songed God as he leaned back in his chair looking up at the library ceiling fan, a Dixie cup held to his lips, but not sipping it.

I looked at all three of them….I started to laugh a little.

“Are you serious?” I asked, my eyes bouncing back and forth across all those books, papers, scrolls and IPad’s that were strewn about.

“You don’t know what Yellow #5 is……” “And you’re sitting here….?” I made a sweeping gesture with my hands around the huge structure, “Sitting here in the biggest library in the universe, where all knowledge is found….and YOU don’t know what Yellow #5 is….Remarkable…..” I said with a little irony.

I picked up a Rubik’s cube from off the table and started to mess with it. I heard God take a loud sip from his cup and out of the corner of my eye I saw him put the cup down. Lazarus’ eyes were looking over the top of the book he was now holding up in front of his face.

I was watching Gods pensive face when I sensed Jesus sit down next to me.

He drew his chair up closer beside mine, resting his forearms across his knees.

His face was close to mine….he whispered “What do you know about Yellow #5?”

I turned my head toward him, having to lean back so we didn’t bump noses.

“Are you serious?”I asked again, looking over at God….his face calm….questioning….

“Yes….” Jesus said.      I returned my gaze to Christ……

“I….think it’s part of a Twinkie” I said….not too sure.downloadtwinkie

My attention was drawn to Lazarus who was flipping thru the pages of his book now much faster, God was punching his finger into the IPad.

Jesus just stared at me.

“I got it!” Lazarus said with glee.    “Wait” he continued.    I could see his finger moving over the pages, searching….

“Yep” this was Gods voice now….”Here it is….Yellow # 5 is…in…a…Twinkie….!”

“WHO PUT YELLOW #5 IN MY GODDAMNED TWINKIES!!?”  Roared the voice of God!

Heaven shook!    Babes handled adders….   Stars raced across the sky…..      Lions lay next to lambs!

I just sat there….in my dirty underwear.

God slumped down into his chair…..

“Nothing’s sacred anymore” he whispered to no one in particular.

Jesus and I heard Lazarus clear his throat; we looked toward his end of the table.

“Uh….Lord?” he said with a tinge of fright in his voice

“What next?” asked God, his chin on his chest, his fingers locked behind his head “What else do I NOT know about?”

Lazarus looked at me….Jesus looked at Lazarus…..God waited…….

Lazarus said…..”It appears that sunlight is bad for your skin”

God looked up from his chin, his brow narrowing….

“The hell you say?” he said.

“That’s what this book says” said Lazarus, holding up the book for God to see the cover.

The cover read “New York Times”

God and Jesus both made loud sighs of relief.

“What?” asked me.

“Nobody reads that…..”

“It’s here on Facebook too” said Lazarus with a little more pitch in his voice.

“Oh my God…” said God

“Jesus Christ” said Jesus Christ.imageskdmdod

God punched an intercom on the table and shouted “Get me Zuckerberg!”

Inane Pizza: The birth thereof…

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“Giuseppe!? What ara weuh agonna doa wit deesa messa ona da floora?!”

“Richardo, sweep it upuh ontuh deesa peesa left over pasta anduh we willa chuck it intouha de oven! ”

Sweep-uh  Sweep-uh  Sweep-uh

Chuck-uh Chuck-uh Chuck-uh

” Giuseppe!? Deesa peesa pie smella magnifico! ”

” Takeuh smalla biteuh Richardo, uh telluh me ifitissuh goooda! ”

Bite-uh Bite-uh  Bite-uh

” Umm, eetsa numma numma Giuseppe! ”

” I betta u eetsa better wit uh tomato sawsa!”

Smear-uh  Smear-uh  Smear-uh

Chomp-uh  Chomp-uh   Chomp-uh!

“Giuseppe!? Thatsuh spicy meataballuh! ”

” Calluh u couzin De Godfather Domino Uhpapa Johnuh! ”

Ring-uh Ring-uh Ring-uh

” Starbucks…. ”

” SACRE BLEU! MON DIEU! ” screams Richardo de Chevalier Montague eh pey sohm merde!

” Dima Summanuhbitches Richardo! ”

Bet you didn’t know I am multi-lingual!

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