Sliding Away

I am a middle aged man, if 52 is considered middle age.

I don’t know the guidelines or rules about that shit but, for sure, I think I’m going crazy.

I complain, constantly. 1461613209900.jpg

I tease and torment, constantly….probably an ego trip.

I feel resentment, constantly.

Weird part is that I realize it but, I’m not an asshole.

I know, I know.

I’ve been drinking a 12 pack of beer every afternoon for the last 3 months, and I don’t know why.

Yes, I do.

I come home after work, I plug in all of my mobile goodies and boot up the laptop and pop open a beer and deal with my anxiety.

Today….with my ungrateful family (in my own mind).

It’s been raining here all day and I knew that it was boring at home for them so, I ordered them pizza and stuff….a surprise, I had hoped.

They ate most of the hot wings and left me one. piece. of. pizza out of a 12″ pizza.

They ate ALL OF THE LAVA CAKE! 3 of them!!!

I cannot tolerate inconsiderate, discourteous people.

I am like Hannibal Lecter in this sense; “I would not have had that happen to you. Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me.”

fb_img_1453559415668.jpgI need to drink more beer.

I don’t want to eat the last piece of pizza….

Principle and pride.

I don’t want to eat any of the left over wings, either….

Principle, pride and SPITE

I am not eating the one. slice. of. pizza.

It will mold before I touch it.

I think(know)they’re taking advantage of me but, it could just be in my mind.

Problem is, my mind controls me.

It’s the voices in my head that make too much noise.

Talking shit…..

They’re in on it too, now that I think about it.

The voices and the ungrateful fuckers….

I read about Buddha and Eckhart Tolle.fb_img_1450528313084.jpg

I see what they’re saying but, what if what they’re saying is true or logical?

Buddha is a fuck stick. Crazy bastard.

I’m losing my shit.

It’s a gradual process……

…….the slipping away part.

I hate to see me go crazy.

I used to be…..

I used to be…..

I am a good person but, there are issues…..apparently…..obviously.

I’m so mad about the pizza and chicken wings that I’m not even gonna sleep in my bed tonight.

I’m gonna sleep in my truck.

wp-1460165425400.jpgListening to the ungrateful fuckers walking around, talking about me…..

I know they are….

Go home, Trey.

I’m drunk.

…..again

Over and over….

It never. Never. Stops.

 

 

Sober Rain

Maybe this can help…someone.

rain2

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, you know, the one with her so called “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, hardly able to breathe….

….. today was a good day for her though, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass.

1461613209900.jpg

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

rain3

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

It’s been years, really….

Too fast…
…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….
She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

rain7

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There was only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

(I got to first base….ha ha…slut…ha ha)

Seems like forever ago…

There was only skinned knees, gum in our hair and friends we shared.

It was all a dream.

images (1)

It couldn’t have been real.

It was all….too perfect.

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where have you been….”God”?

images (8)

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

(Drunk bitch)
I fucking hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.
(I hate you for dying)

fb_img_1450528313084.jpg

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….
(You did this to yourself, all you had to do was say something)

[RUMBLLLLLLLE]

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.
(This could have been avoided)

So easy to avoid….(It’s my fault)

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

man-screaming

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….
“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt…” she whispers….”weird” she breathes.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.
(This is all your fault, you ASSHOLE!!!)

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like the asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

animanshandsholdingwater

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God!

Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

……she lives where lightning is born, now….

Our lives will continue as my memory….

I guess I should cry now….

But, I think it would still upset her…

…..no matter.

She did it to herself so, fuck her.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

imagessundrop

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

(I’m sorry I yelled at you, God…earlier)

I’m….just…….mad

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I don’t believe in heaven, only hell is real.

I can hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

….sorry again, God.

I didn’t mean that part about only believing in hell.

I’ve seen pieces of heaven, sometimes; here and there….

Our heaven is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….then
(But, why….?)

She did it to herself…..

Selfish bitch! Why didn’t you say anything!?

She could have stopped anytime she wanted.

I shouldn’t judge, really.

I’m an asshole, too. So forgive my outbursts.

I’m gonna stop tomorrow….

….for her.

download (2)
I promise….

The Dying Rain

rain5
The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.

….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

rain3

She did it to herself…. 

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday. 

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober. 

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

rain7

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I won’t weep…..she did it to herself; selfish bitch. 

I’m not going to cry…not now at least. 

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared

.rain4

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God…. 

Oh so still…..

God? Where is God now? 

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself. 

I hate her. 

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….dream9

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

 (I hate you for dying) 

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

(You did this to yourself) 

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

This could have been avoided.

So easy… 

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t! 

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!) 

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets her…no matter.

 I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

rain1

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

(Why….?) 

Last And First

When I first started with WordPress, pert near on 3 years ago I do reckon, I was very prolific with my new posts. I was spouting off everyday, sometimes 3 posts a day; cranking out some good stuff, some bad stuff, but mostly inane stuff.

Fun though….wp-1460852779979.jpg

But, it seems like I have either burned out this year or something weird; I bet I haven’t posted anything new or noteworthy for quite a spell.

No, no I don’t have writers block. You have to be a WRITER to get blocked.

I am just a hack.

People that can stay focused, dedicated or obsessed in creating a work of literature, poetry or the like, or maintaining a continuing stream of thought that keeps others intrigued or interested….

That’s a writer.

I just get easily bored with nothing else to do.

That’s how I am, I guess; or the only excuse or maybe justification I can even use for my apparent apathy towards my sleazy, sticky, fumbling attempts at writing.

I know how I can get with things and it makes me even crazier.

I have the attention span of a $2 crackhead….or maybe a gnat.

Speaking of my creativity or lack thereof, my dwindling level of interest, my non-existent ability to focus on anything other than cooking shows or the Discovery Channel for periods longer than 30 minutes, my aforementioned miniscule attention span, my “creative juice” seems to ebb and flow.animanshandsholdingwater

Speaking of juice, my posting is kinda like my 52-year-old testosterone level, really….

At an elderly 52 years old (which I’ve never been this old before) I will unabashedly admit that I would kill for an early morning wake-up boner or WOOD as it is also referenced as by the male of our species; or I’d give a kidney for a boner with amorous intent or hell, I’d be grateful to the point of tears and snot for a boner at the worst possible time. You fella’s reading this know the kind of boner I mean….

A 7TH GRADER BONER FOR HELL SAKES!!!

The kind of boner that a cat can’t scratch or one that could cut diamonds!

Ahhh…the memories.

No, I haven’t any shame or ability to be embarrassed any longer.

I lost that on my 50th birthday.

The truth will set me free.

Anywho….wpid-fb_img_1428067770822.jpg

However, now that I ponder a little more on my bonelessness (is that a word?) I would consider selling my soul to whatever devil exists in this millennium to treat my long-suffering, dearly betrothed, regretfully abstaining wife to a good ol’fashioned Viking rape and pillage.

It would have to be a Viking rape fantasy playtime, if I ever get the chance. Last time I had wood, I was a masked burglar that jumped out of the closet to assault her and she shot me…..

Ok, I’m getting side-tracked…..again; see how easily I get distracted?

Told you….

[Quick present moment reality admission]

I made my morning coffee too strong. I have sweat running down my ribs and man boobs. I swear to God there is cocaine in Folgers 100% Columbian.

Hmmm….could be a connection here with my inability to write anything lately…..

Just add copious amounts of stimulants, give me a dose of inspiration or a reason to bitch (which could be the same , I guess) crack open the laptop, back away from the crazy person and watch the fat man dance.

It’s resolution time of course, and here are mine.

wpid-20150318_075402.jpg
More dope than a Mexican cartel…

 

I will post updates, stories or assholes…oops, I meant opinions, at least twice a week; or maybe more if the caffiene is pure or when my testosterone is up.

Please, Jesus…..

I will practice more on my guitar playing and not on buying them.

I will sketch more.

I will get older.

Ok, good, now that that’s out-of-the-way.

I’ll talk to y’all later.

Good luck and Happy New Year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Richard…Adios

I am tweeking an earlier post in tribute to my wifes brother, Richard Peoples, who recently passed…

Get along little doggie….
The Dying Rain
rain5

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my brothers backyard garden.

I was holding his frail hand, the one with his “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

He always laughed like hell, when he’d told me that he could kill a plastic plant…no problem.

I’ve seen it happen.

But now his eyes were closed, his breath labored.

….. today was a good day for him, considering everything….

He may have been asleep but, his fingers gripped mine as hard as he could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding his hand at all, as weak as he was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from one of the strongest people you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass, it seems….

I laced my fingers thru his, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of his hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing him….he’s been here all my life

My big brother, bestest in the whole world, is dying………Dying! Like a normal people!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass305210_196108410454706_7851455_n

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together, times apart….

Too much time spent apart, life getting in the way and all that

I have done this more than usual lately….regret

months…..years….?

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I look at his face as he sleeps….if you can call dying sleep.

He’s so handsome……..even now.

My big brother is fading….rain7

The sun is leaving his eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament his window…..

I won’t weep…..

Not now at least, he gets upset when I cry.

I sit there holding my brothers big old hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees….

In my heart of hearts, I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy……family.

There is only skinned knees, gum in my hair; friends and family we grew up with….

20150318_131303-picsay[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel him stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves him.

His eyes are open and I follow his hooded gaze.

He is looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across his face…..

Richard is quiet….Still.

Oh, so still…..

I notice a small tear is running down my big brothers pale cheek and across his dry lips…

I reach up and wipe his tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I am alive.

Richard grabs my hand and presses it to his lips and then….he drops my hand with a tired sigh.

Richard turns his face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of his tear….

He gives me that shit eating grin of his and turns back to the storm outside his window.

“Will you do me a favor?” he asks in his Cajun drawl; a weak voice now; the stormy sky reflecting in his dimming, big brother eyes.

14671194_620229691471769_6886331719480919208_n“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

Richard squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, his gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” He says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing his to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze hard.

Richard lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

He turns his face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

My brother says quietly, almost a whisper, he says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of him….

I will not….

My big brother is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

His eyes are closed now…

His fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…weird” he whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for remaining here on this earth, for staying alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing he would hear from my lips.

No God….not Richard….

Not my brother….

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

He…..

Richard dropped my hand.

His heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

My big brother has gone away from me, into the storm….

He lives where lightning is born….

He has all the answers now….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets him

…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, he will be here with me.

He will watch my children grow.

He will watch all the children find best friends, be with our family.

It is time for me to weep for my big burly guy…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of him?

I can already hear his voice in my head…

“Cry baby” he’d say….

I smile….

rain1It’s true….

Richard’s here…..right now.

As long as earth lasts forever, He’s alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of him….

My big brother is gone, until it rains.

There Are Others Of Us

I will not complain today. 

Sometimes I forget that I am surrounded by billions of other people on this world. wpid-img_20150220_121756-picsay.jpg

Many of them are going about their daily grind at this very moment; having their coffee, walking to the store on the corner for toilet paper, taking a pee off their back porch as they look across their families fields of corn or wheat, walking to the mailbox in your underwear, making steam monsters inside a freezing car as the heater does its job; standing at the end of the driveway watching a school bus full of little, squealing ankle biters fading off in the distance, feeling lonely all of a sudden; but don’t tell the wife or she’ll start cooing and call you a “big ol’baby”.

There are millions of others on our world that scream and wet their pants when a car backfires. There are millions of  others on our world that are digging thru mountains of debris looking for grandma or grandpa and snakes.

There are millions of others on our world that are cooking stale corn meal over a buffalo shit fire and filtering some drinking water thru an old tee-shirt and sand..There are millions of others on our world that are waiting for the sun to come back, or Jesus, or the mothership…

Allahu Akbar….

REPENT YE!

Fear God, not man…

imagesdenialWhat a crock of shit.

Lets face reality, people.

There are millions of others on our world that will not have a meal today and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. Maybe the rebel or government troops won’t steal the food from the relief organizations this time. They wonder if cannabalism is really all that bad.

wp-1459466600448.jpgThere are others on our world that will wonder what that noise is, right before the building explodes.

There are others on our world , millions of PEOPLE, that are not “blessed” or “lucky” enough to have what millions of us have; like a grocery store that throws away tons of perfectly edible food on a weekly basis. 

I’ve witnessed it. 

There are others on our world that would be grateful for a spoon of oatmeal or maybe a nice, hot shower or hell, maybe some timely penicillin.

There are others on our world that have never seen a TV, a car, an aspirin, an iPhone or a Kardashian…

I woke up this morning, like millions of others on our world, worrying about my bills, being at work on time, 52 year old aches and pains and a noisy coffee maker; then, I saw this: Sacrifice

I didn’t wake up dead this morning but, I complained about my life.

I cried for a baby and her dead parents this morning, then I remembered.fb_img_1462714108215.jpg

I reminded myself to be grateful and happy

I stopped what I was doing and began to do my little guilt routine.

As I walked around my bed, making it up, I told myself to be grateful, told myself what I should be happy for and why, to REMIND myself how truly blessed” “lucky” or “providentially gifted” or just in the right place at the right time, stumbling around bleery eyed in this little tiny apartment, in this little bitty city, in this tiny weeny country on this little bitty planet in this big old universe.

I have to remind myself to be grateful.

Think about that for a bit today.

Shouldn’t being grateful come naturally, shouldn’t it be kind of like an instinct?

I have to remind myself to be happy, some days… wp-1459466533709.png

Sometimes life gets in the way of living, and we forget the present moment is all we truly have and that each breath is a gift in this, our miracle of existence that defy any explanations or the limitation of human thought or expression.

We forgot how to be ourselves because we did it to ourselves and others.

I will not complain today.

Please remember that everything is impermanent, nothing lasts forever, but this includes all aspects of the human condition or life situation; such as, happy can be happier, best can be better or my coffee can be ready on time.

We are what we think we are, we create our reality or our perception of it.

Don’t even get me started on the treachery of perception. 

Do you have to remind yourselves to be grateful or happy?

I will not complain today but, tomorrow…..I’m pretty sure I’ll have to remind myself to be happy and grateful, again.

Don’t be me….

Love, everything.

Love, everybody. 

Help someones life be better.wpid-adversity.jpeg

Even if it kills you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things To Ponder

If I reach one person, it will be worth it.

One talks to one…

“Oh, I read something the other day that got me thinking”

One+One = change

……eventually….

….hopefully…

Sit down.

Close your eyes and breathe.

Forget about the world and get into your own head.

Now….

Why is there war?

Why is there hate?

Why are there borders and fences?

Why do we hate the person that cut us off in traffic?

Why is there racism?

Have you ever really listened to the night?

How have we survived as a species this long?

Why …..?

Just why.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Do you know why I know there is no God?

Because every God created by man has never been this patient.

Zeus, Krishna, Yahweh, Appollo, Odin, Allah,  yada yada yada…pffffft

Have you ever really looked at a flower?

A God, to my understanding of what a God should be, is not here.

We are on our own and we’re killing ourselves.

Nothing is forever.

All things change.

Death is inevitable.

Tomorrow is not real.

Our moral compass will not fail but, our ego can drown it out.

Ignorance is the greatest enemy.

Everyone knows this.

Have you ever really looked at a human and how miraculous they are?

It is the doom of man that we forget.

My thought?

We never had a clue.

Save us from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered where it all went wrong?

Me either.

But, I am now.

There are too many humans on this earth and “God” knows it.

So does all the other Gods, plus Mother Nature  also knows.

The balance is wrong…

Just a matter of time

 

 

 

 

 

Battlefield,  Me.  

The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Awareness of Suffering.

I have started on a new life path.

Let me get going with this before I forget the feelings and emotions that I just went thru about 10 minutes ago.

Kinda scary, really….for me at least; or “my type” of scary.

Close freaking call is what it was.

I just barely walked into my little apartment; put up the groceries with shaking hands, poured a glass of lemonade with spasming shoulder muscles; then sat down, sweating, and turned on this lap top to share something with y’all.

I’m an alcoholic, you see; currently, blessedly, dormant.

I wanted a drink, bad this afternoon; drink aka: beer, whiskey, wine, inebriant….buzz

I don’t know what created the urge, craving, desire, longing or the lust.

It came out of nowhere, like a foul smell on an ill breeze.

I will run thru some sadly familiar things y’all probably already know about alcoholics; or have heard or maybe suffered with yourself.

The newest craving came out of nowhere and I have no idea what set it in motion.

None….

I’ve come to, in too many bars wondering how I got there.

Woke up in too many ditches, vacant cars, dumpsters or a bed in a stranger’s home.

I’m enough of an experienced alcohol rehabber to not be set off by feeble beer signs, beer advertisements, beer trucks, liquor stores, etcetera, etcetra…laudy freaking dah

But, there it was; out of nowhere? Or was it in me, in my soul the whole time, just waiting….?

One second I was driving my big truck to Wal-Mart; as a matter of fact I was listening to an audiobook called “The Heart of The Buddha’s Teachings” by Thich Nhat Hanh, because I am always searching for ways to make myself a better person, or maybe to make me feel better about myself or maybe to fill my head with good things and not bad things.

Right thinking…..

I don’t know why I am always listening and reading these self help books, seminars, different churches and countless other things.

….I don’t know why.

Anyhow, back to the craving.

It came like a hot breath on the back of my neck, it’s broken teeth raking across my skin; shivers and goosebumps up and down my spine.

My mouth started to water as I realized what was happening…

“No” I whispered to myself “No”

And just like that, it was all I could think about.

TA DA!! ABRA-FUCKING-CADABRA!

The battle for my sobriety was joined

Right Trey said “NO, ain’t happening”

Left Trey said “You’re just gonna have a few before bed”

There is no “few” in an alcoholics mind; especially not in this drunks mind.

Right Trey says “I don’t want to feel bad all day tomorrow”

I’m also a newly diagnosed diabetic.

Left Trey says “You’ll get plenty of sleep for it to wear off before you have to get up”

Right Trey says “I don’t want to keep getting up and have to pee a hundred times”

Left Trey says “Oh, it ain’t that bad, you pussy”

Right Trey says “I AM bored, though…..”

First sign of weakness; I have a lot of those.

Left Trey smells blood in the water and continues his attack “Just make sure you make a nice dinner while you can still stand and eat while you drink, that way you won’t get AS drunk or feel AS bad tomorrow”

I can’t believe I still listen to this guy, but….

I am shaking and sweating.

I’m getting so anxious that it’s causing me to get sharp pains in my chest and the inevitable heartburn starts.

Panic attack! Oh, shit! I HATE THOSE!

The beer annex in the Walmart was closed.

Small miracles.

I win!

Look at me! So full of moxy and blazing with self confidence (I know better) I went to a convenience store next door to the Walmart to get me a lemonade or something…

I had triumphed.

My chest hurt. I needed some Zantac

I blinked my eyes and found myself in front of the beer cooler, looking at the beer.

I was trembling….

“….no”

“….yes”

I felt sick, I felt nervous, I felt scared and weak….I felt mad.

I’m losing….

I know me….

Left Trey said “Ok, don’t get a 12 pack then, just get 2 forties”

Compromise; second line of attack

It was such a terrible craving attack.

Left Trey can be a ruthless bastard! Damn near killed me a few times.

I haven’t had a craving this serious in years.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have “bad” cravings everyday. Little bitty ones but, not like this one was.

This was the kind of craving that ends up with me locked in a motel room for 4 days in the dark, hating myself, looking for the courage to find a way out of my head….

You see? I know me…

It made me physically ill and scared the shit out of me.

Too damn close, man….

Why now, after so long, I wonder? That’s the really scary part.

I’m gonna have to be on alert.

Always fucking there, dude!

Jeez, I don’t need a relapse, man . Not like THIS

I’m doing soo much better!

I won for the day though.

That’s a good sign, I guess.

I’m still willing to fight for my soul.

I have been for a long time.

“Do not become frustrated or discouraged when starting a new path in your life because eventually you will shake off the dust of the old path” – Me

“The Noble 8 Fold path teaches that through restraining oneself, cultivating discipline, practicing mindfulness and meditation,the enlightened ones can stop their craving, clinging and their karmic accumulations; thus ending their rebirth of suffering.” Wikipedia

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