Realization

Thought about this last night.

Popped right into my head…

Never mind all of the stuff that’s already in my head; there’s always room for more crazy.

There’s always room for more crazy; like Jell-o or ice cream.

I love Jell-o. Crazy, not so much.

At least I call it crazy.

It could be normal, or crazy.

Isn’t the human mind amazing with all the stuff it can do?

All of the information it can process or forget?

All of the useful things….or Facebook…..Snapchat….Twitter…..

Sometimes I sit there going “C’mon THINK!”

Most times I’m like “I wish my freaking brain would just stop!”

Ok, I’m getting off track from my original thoughts that are the basis for todays blog.

Here’s what popped into my brain @ 0215….

I will die not knowing everything.

If I sat here, or if you sat where you’re at, run a diagnostic on your brains hard drive and create a pie chart of how your brain utilizes or categorizes info.

It is sadly amazing how much I don’t know.

Hmmm….I actually have no idea how much I don’t know.

Although, it seems like the older I get the more “Eureka” moments I have concerning trivial stuff.

“Why have I just figured this out?”

I’m an idiot, I swear.

Like these little “life hacks” or “kitchen hacks” I see on Facebook that leave me slack jawed in utter amazement, wallowing in self loathing, awash in shame.

How do people figure this crap out!?

I know nothing about rocket science.

I know nothing about why I’m scared of the dark.

I know nothing except what I have heard, seen, tasted, felt, smelled or been told by others.

Problem is, the senses…..I can pretty much count on being truthful

“Fire HOT!”

“Woman crazy!”

The basic knowledges…..

Learning stuff from people, I’d say less than 50% accurate.

If they taught me things that doesn’t include their opinions or bias’, the percentage would go up exponentially, I believe.

We know enough to get thru life. Simple Simon….

Here’s a thought; We get old enough to make babies, then get older to teach babies until they get old enough to make their own babies. That’s it.

At a certain point, what purpose do we serve?

As we get older, our bodies and minds start to wind down; this we know.

OMG, I’m never gonna know everything, am I?

How cruel it is to create something, give it a brain that is capable of magic and put a limit on what it can do or learn?

There has to be a reason….

There has to be some kind of reason that we can’t know everything.

I wonder what the world was like when there was no highways, cities, power lines, cars, planes….stuff like that?

All we were concerned about was survival. that’s all we HAD to know.

Hunter, gatherers.

From my viewpoint, it was probably terrifying back then.

But, if we think about it; it may have been much much more quiet in our heads.

I mean, what do you think is in your head right now that has to do with your actual survival compared to back then?

Now, how much isn’t there?

Next time you’re standing in a Walmart or a grocery store, think about digging up a root for dinner or making a cloth out of an animals skin.

Think about discovering how to make fire; on purpose.

Think about discovering how to make a bow & arrow, just the fact that WHY you NEED a bow & arrow in the first place.

What in our brains, is necessary?

If we had the ability to clean the junk files or cookies from our brains, how much disk space would we get back and how much faster could we process info?

I know people have drawn these comparisons before but, it popped into my head this morning and I felt like blogging it out loud.

I’m sad that I won’t know everything before I die.

At least I know that much….

But, I know more today than I did yesterday.

But…..how much info am I losing compared to my gains?

Crap…

I’m gonna stop talking now.

I’m a crazy person. Ignore me.

February 7, 2018 0

Day 2 In Yuma

The title to this days blog kinda sounds like a western novel or movie or something, don’t it?

Uh oh, wayward tangent alert!

Here’s some more “titles” (while I’m increasing my caffeine levels) Yes, I know…I’m a terrible Mormon.

“The Watch” A fast paced movie about minute to minute time travel.

“Coffee Man” A novel about love and survival

“Loading….” A sci-fi mystery about patience and murder.

“Potty Break” Action “packed” cinematic dynamite, edge of your “seat”, “explosive” thriller about letting go…

Ok, I’m gonna stop now, I can see where this is going.

Speaking of potty break…..

BRB

Ok, I’m back. The Potty Break movie had a weak “ending”…..no real substance.

Ok Ok, I’ll stop!

What has gotten in to me so early this Tuesday morning!?

It IS Tuesday, right?

I don’t know what day it is. My phone is off….and I don’t know how to find it on my baby iPad.

Ok, I just figured out that my gps knows what day it is.

It’s Monday Jr?

WTH?!

That can’t be right.

Wayward tangent alert, again….

I just realized that I’ll probably never hold a leadership position in my church because I “may” have used inappropriate language in MANY of my previous blogs.

I kinda cuss when I’m being all emotional and creative….

In my defense, and y’all know this just as much, if not more than me…

Sometimes a dirty word is the only word that can work in certain instances. It takes one to get the EXACT point across: to match the flow of our literary intent….

Or, we (I) couldn’t think of a better word.

In my defense, I only have 33 credit hrs of college. In Texas….

Lets go with the creative juices thing….

Yeah, I’m a Cro-Magnon.

Sometimes I say bad words, think bad things, contemplate mass murder…or is it spree murder?

Hey, you try being a truck driver that goes all over this country, thru tiny towns and big cities and tell me that you don’t feel like running someone off the road!

Good thing is that I can keep fantasy, fantasy. Realistically, speaking….

It’s much more cool in my head; the fantasy part.

I could never kill in real life with the same satisfaction or special effects that I do in my head.

In fantasy dream mode (ok, pretend you’re seeing that daydream thing like they do on tv, with the wavy screen)

Ok, in dream mode, when I kill someone on the interstate (99% of the time its a 4 wheeler; car) there’s lots of screaming, rubber squealing and smoke, metal screeching & crunching, glass shattering and the smell of poop. Oh, and there’s always lots of fire & smoke, blood, guts, people flying thru windshields, the satisfying crunch as my 18 wheeler smashes thru their wrecking cars and over their pavement strewn bodies…..

*shudder in ecstasy*

It puts the lotion on it’s skin….

Thank the holy moly, but in real life, the whole “You’ll not do well in prison” filter keeps me sane.

Plus, I’d probably feel bad later.

Hold up, let me tell Jesus I’m sorry for murder in my heart.

This is my Granny’s fault; all this caring about people and crap.

Social norms…..Not killing fools.

EMPATHY for heck sakes.

Crazy old lady.

She’s the one that took me to church, taught me about Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost!

More importantly, the whole burning in hell thing if I run over people on the interstate, or undress pretty women in my head.

I’d marry them! Don’t be so quick to judge!

I’m a softie but HEY! At least I’m not a sociopath or psychopath , huh?!

That’s good news on this early Monday Jr!

Ok, I gotta go pick up some vegetables and start rolling towards F’n Jersey.

Y’all have an excellent Monday Jr.

TTYT

February 6, 2018 0

Today, Yuma

It is nice this morning.

Even though I’m sitting in a truck stop in Yuma, Az and typing this on my iPad mini 4 that never fails to remind me that I have fat fingers.

I……however, do NOT have fat finger

They’re merely clumsy.

I hate being on a diet.

Just wanted to get that out there.

I like gluttony.

It’s my right as an American.

I can have as much Diabetes as I want.

Cool part is, I can personalize it to fit my needs.

Besides, I like taking medicine everyday, twice a day, 7 days a week.

Well, at least I don’t smoke or drink anymore.

No, I’m serious. I don’t.

I’m gonna admit something to y’all….

Ive kinda disregarded , nay, I have ignored my blog this past year.

I was…..distracted.

Sometimes life gets in the way of living.

So, Ive decided to make changes in my approach to said blog to help keep me stay interested and involved.

“Note to self: Read. Other. Blogs” Quid pro quo.

I want to talk about my being a Mormon.

I do not qualify as your typical, per say, cookie-cutter Mormon.

I am a convert to the church. Nigh on 34 years this August.

I am a terrible example of a Mormon.

I am a terrible representative for the church.

I believe I’m a dormant alcoholic.

I’ve taken drugs (years ago) but never had to steal, rob or murder to get them.

Although, I was big with the pawn shops….

I smoked.

Stupidest, freaking 5 years of my life.

I’m divorced 3 times, married now. (To a non-Mormon who is also the daughter of a southern Pentecostal minister)

But nowadays herebout, I try to be a good Mormon and that’s what counts in the long run, I reckon.

Endure to the end. (Fave Mormon quote)

I’m not gonna go thru a lot of theology and crap like that.

And I’m not gonna preach and I’m not gonna try and convert anyone.

I will be the Mormon that answers your questions about what it’s really like in our “cult”

Of course, I can’t tell you everything because I don’t know everything.

I know just enough to get beat up by a mob.

I was worthy enough to know at one time but “All men have fallen short…” and all that mess.

You understand, don’t you?

I keep screwing up.

So, if you wanna know something that I might know, just ask. I’ll be honest.

But, don’t be hateful or rude.

I’m very much a cry baby and my feelings get hurt easily.

Maybe, I’m just getting old.

Ok…TTYL

February 5, 2018 2

New Muse: Learning To Starve and Like It

Day 2 of intermittent fasting; con’t:

Not too bad, so far.
Yesterday, I thought I was gonna die before 1pm came around but, it wasn’t so much that I was hungry or that my tummy was growling.

It was mostly that I just wanted to eat something.

Anything….Babies… Puppies…wood

See what I’m saying? It was the act of chewing that I craved, I guess.

Well, I ate my 1st initial meal yesterday.

It was kinda big, but not too.

I was figuring that I only had 7 hrs of eating to prepare for 16 hrs of nothing so, eat until I popped.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR!

I was wrong.

I tried to eat a couple of Baloney sammitchs’ 2 hrs later, and could only get one down. And it was like rubber. I chewed and chewed until I had to force swallow.

Like a cow…with cud.

I wasn’t hungry, yet.

I thought “Oh crap, I’m gonna starve before tomorrow’s eat time”

But, I soldiered on and swigged a fruit cup for desert. No chewing involved.

And that’s it, until now, 0808 CST and I’m doing OK.

No hunger pangs.

I’m a terrible terrible fat American.

I’ve only had my cup of Java so far. Like I said yesterday, I know Mormons aren’t supposed to drink coffee but in my defense, coffee keeps this trucker from going ape s**T and running 4 wheelers off the road.

It’s a coping tool 😬

I did notice something else yesterday though, just as the last 30 minutes before eat time began. I started getting that low blood sugar feeling.

You know, swirly brain, tingly fingers, slight touch of vertigo…overall, just weird.
So, as I learn, I guess I’ll start my eat time an hour earlier, say noon to 7pm to avoid going into an embarrassing coma or shock.

Here’s a thought…

I wonder if I had beef jerky to chew on, if that’s cheating or would invalidate my efforts. Not swallow the jerky, just the juice?

What think ye?

Only 4 more hrs to go.

Just don’t think about it Trey. It’s OK not to eat all of the time.

It wouldn’t be as tough if I smoked…but,thats one Mormon rule I do adhere to.

I’m such a munch mouth though!
I have a feeling this is gonna save me money on groceries…or future gastric surgery.😷✂️💊⚰️

On to day 3!

January 17, 2018 0

New Muse

I have found my new muse!

My writers block has lifted!

I have decided to focus my recently dormant creative blogging energy toward my fatness and the prominence of said gut….

I have decided that I do not look good as a full figured man.

If you get my point.

I will turn 54 this year and my goal is 185 lbs. Not the 261 I currently am. Oh, btw, that’s from a truck stop scale so it could be + or – 20lbs.

I am pursuing Intermittent Fasting.

No, I’ve only been studying about it for a couple of days and I’m only on day 1.

I will share as I live and learn.

Hey! It’s our journey together!

So, here goes on day 1.

Fat Attack, Engage!

Oooooo No, this is not a New Years resolution.

The toughest part of intermittent fasting (IF), for me, is getting past the mental part. The part that says that I have to eat or munch on something all of the time.

After I thought about it, I discovered that I really only eat breakfast out of habit. I know its considered the most important meal of the day but, I hardly ever wake up hungry anyways. All I usually want is coffee in the morning, anywho. I know, I know, I’m a terrible Mormon. If that’s my only failing today, I’m good.

So, I’m on my first day of IF and I haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon and I’m still not hungry. The biggest obstacle is not to munch just to munch. Kinda like, if I smoked, I guess. Smoking a cigarette just to smoke. But, since I don’t smoke, I munch….then get fat.

It’s gonna be kinda tough with me being a truck driver, since my schedules are always jacked up and hard to stay consistent with anything. I figure though that if I keep the general time frame intact, I should be good. Of course the body acts different at night than during the day, blah blah blah.

Lot’s of interesting, common sense stuff with IF. Y’all read up on it. I’ll keep you up to date on how it’s going with me. Here’s how I’m starting out:

1) No Breakfast (liquids are fine. Water, coffee, tea, etc., easy on the sweeteners; calories bad)

2) Eat normally but wisely between 1-8pm

3) Fast for 16 hrs or until the next day eating period.

Retrain in the membrane!

Thanks to-https://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting

January 17, 2018 1

Consistently Loopy

Wow….

I’m telling you what….

If you don’t post everyday or drop a line or opinion everyday, your WordPress fans go away. Not that I had any really but, dang, I have to work for a living and do other important grown up stuff.

I wish I could write everyday…….or come up with something interesting, provocative or controversial or entertaining at a moments notice for my “audiences” viewing pleasure but, I’m only a hack writer and somewhat of a weirdo and have absolutely no talent or unbroken attention span.

IMHO….

I like making stuff up or exaggerating about a life event; mine or someone else’s?

Ok, I lie.

I don’t really like writing or giving an opinion on politics; especially not in today’s world , nor in this current partisan mood.

Twitter will KILL me!

It seems like the older I get the more I am concerned with the world around me and the future of my species.

Does it you?

Why should I worry about that, anyhow?

Is it because I have kids and grandkids?/

Is it because I want them to have a peaceful and fruitful life and a beautiful world? /

Of course, I do.

I’m not a freaking monster.

Would I worry about the world after I’m dead if I had, had no progeny?

I’d like to think I would but, unfortunately I am anti-social with borderline personality disorder and am completely self absorbed, so….fuck’em.

The same thing goes for my opinion on religion/s.

I am what you would call….non-commital.

I believe that organized religion is corrupt in God’s eyes.

I believe that God still talks to man but no one knows it.

I believe that Jesus was the literal son of God, just as we all are.

I believe that there have been many men and women that have been “touched” by the finger of God and have taught many many essential truths.

Sorry, my train of thought just derailed….

I am becoming more jaded, the older I get.

The more I put my opinions or thoughts down on the screen and reread them, I ponder my words and come to the startling summation that I am either crazier than hell, a grumpy old man or a normal Joe Schmoe…..

That’s probably the scariest thought….am I actually normal?

No, that’s crazy, I know I’m batshit.

I have to be. I can’t be normal!

That would ruin my whole deal if I was normal!

I’ve been under the self diagnosed assumption that I am crazy, off kilter, a dysfunctional unit, a piñata that’s full of shit.

If I’m normal, I am going to be very disappointed in God when I see him.

If he tells me that I was the only normal man on earth, after everything single mean thought I’ve ever had, shoplifted piece of candy, cruel or biased judgmental observation, every dirty sex thought(I’m a freaking pervert, I swear) or any bad thing that has flashed thru my drug and or alcohol addled mind at the moment, I’ll kill myself…again.

Right there, in front of God, I will blow my freaking brains out.

I can’t be normal, I just can’t!

All of the excuses I’ve ever had won’t be worth a shit!

Ok, that train of thought complete, let’s continue: shall we?

I know I’m crazy.

I’ve read up on it!

I fit like 4 different patterns of mental illness!

I don’t like talking about politics because I hate hypocrisy and everyone else’s opinion is bullshit.

Same goes for religion….

I am what I am.

I am spiritual.

I am bi-partisan.

I love my country but believe national borders are wrong.

I also believe there are evil people and that hard, unpopular decisions must be made to protect the innocent and meek among us; to protect freedom of will, choice and worship.

I believe that our way of life hangs in the balance, as it has for generations upon generations.

I believe that we are not alone in this universe.

It’s illogical….and arrogant

The place is just too big, and its still growing.

Change does that.

Evolution does that.

Innovation, prosperity, war and famine….does that.

We used to throw rocks at the moon and some people on this earth still make huts out of cow shit so, there….

How’s that high horse riding, now?

Our planet, to the best of our limited knowledge based on rules, guidelines and words created by fallible men, is said to be 4 billion years old.

Oh, words are hissing noises or guttural noises and we have spelling bees….

This world does not need us, we need it.

I know that I am nothing.

I know that I am everything.

I know that I am a miracle of evolutionary progress and I used to pee in my pants.

I know that change never ends.

There will be others after us…

Just imagine.

I believe that it is the doom of man that we forget

…….and I can’t remember shit.

Thx for wasting time with me.

July 1, 2017 2

Sliding Away

I am a middle aged man, if 52 is considered middle age.

I don’t know the guidelines or rules about that shit but, for sure, I think I’m going crazy.

I complain, constantly.

I tease and torment, constantly….probably an ego trip.

I feel resentment, constantly.

Weird part is that I realize it but, I’m not an asshole.

I know, I know.

I’ve been drinking a 12 pack of beer every afternoon for the last 3 months, and I don’t know why.

Yes, I do.

I come home after work, I plug in all of my mobile goodies and boot up the laptop and pop open a beer and deal with my anxiety.

Today….with my ungrateful family (in my own mind).

It’s been raining here all day and I knew that it was boring at home for them so, I ordered them pizza and stuff….a surprise, I had hoped.

They ate most of the hot wings and left me one. piece. of. pizza out of a 12″ pizza.

They ate ALL OF THE LAVA CAKE! 3 of them!!!

I cannot tolerate inconsiderate, discourteous people.

I am like Hannibal Lecter in this sense; “I would not have had that happen to you. Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me.”

I need to drink more beer.

I don’t want to eat the last piece of pizza….

Principle and pride.

I don’t want to eat any of the left over wings, either….

Principle, pride and SPITE

I am not eating the one. slice. of. pizza.

It will mold before I touch it.

I think(know)they’re taking advantage of me but, it could just be in my mind.

Problem is, my mind controls me.

It’s the voices in my head that make too much noise.

Talking shit…..

They’re in on it too, now that I think about it.

The voices and the ungrateful fuckers….

I read about Buddha and Eckhart Tolle.

I see what they’re saying but, what if what they’re saying is true or logical?

Buddha is a fuck stick. Crazy bastard.

I’m losing my shit.

It’s a gradual process……

…….the slipping away part.

I hate to see me go crazy.

I used to be…..

I am a good person but, there are issues…..apparently…..obviously.

I’m so mad about the pizza and chicken wings that I’m not even gonna sleep in my bed tonight.

I’m gonna sleep in my truck.

Listening to the ungrateful fuckers walking around, talking about me…..

I know they are….

Go home, Trey.

I’m drunk.

…..again

Over and over….

It never. Never. Stops.

June 25, 2017 1

Sober Rain

Maybe this can help…someone.

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, you know, the one with her so called “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, hardly able to breathe….

….. today was a good day for her though, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

It’s been years, really….

Too fast…
…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….
She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There was only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

(I got to first base….ha ha…slut…ha ha)

Seems like forever ago…

There was only skinned knees, gum in our hair and friends we shared.

It was all a dream.

It couldn’t have been real.

It was all….too perfect.

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where have you been….”God”?

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

(Drunk bitch)
I fucking hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.
(I hate you for dying)

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….
(You did this to yourself, all you had to do was say something)

[RUMBLLLLLLLE]

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.
(This could have been avoided)

So easy to avoid….(It’s my fault)

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….
“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt…” she whispers….”weird” she breathes.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.
(This is all your fault, you ASSHOLE!!!)

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like the asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God!

Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

……she lives where lightning is born, now….

Our lives will continue as my memory….

I guess I should cry now….

But, I think it would still upset her…

…..no matter.

She did it to herself so, fuck her.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

(I’m sorry I yelled at you, God…earlier)

I’m….just…….mad

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I don’t believe in heaven, only hell is real.

I can hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

….sorry again, God.

I didn’t mean that part about only believing in hell.

I’ve seen pieces of heaven, sometimes; here and there….

Our heaven is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….then
(But, why….?)

She did it to herself…..

Selfish bitch! Why didn’t you say anything!?

She could have stopped anytime she wanted.

I shouldn’t judge, really.

I’m an asshole, too. So forgive my outbursts.

I’m gonna stop tomorrow….

….for her.

May 22, 2017 5

The Dying Rain

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.

….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

She did it to herself….

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I won’t weep…..she did it to herself; selfish bitch.

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where is God now?

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

I hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

(I hate you for dying)

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

(You did this to yourself)

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

This could have been avoided.

So easy…

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets her…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

(Why….?)

January 26, 2017 0

Spread My Filth!!!

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