New Muse: Learning To Starve and Like It

Day 2 of intermittent fasting; con’t:

Not too bad, so far.
Yesterday, I thought I was gonna die before 1pm came around but, it wasn’t so much that I was hungry or that my tummy was growling. 

It was mostly that I just wanted to eat something. 

Anything….Babies… Puppies…wood

See what I’m saying? It was the act of chewing that I craved, I guess.

Well, I ate my 1st initial meal yesterday. 

It was kinda big, but not too.

I was figuring that I only had 7 hrs of eating to prepare for 16 hrs of nothing so, eat until I popped. 

FEED ME, SEYMOUR! 

I was wrong.

I tried to eat a couple of Baloney sammitchs’ 2 hrs later, and could only get one down. And it was like rubber. I chewed and chewed until I had to force swallow.

This is a real thing…

Like a cow…with cud. 

I wasn’t hungry, yet. 

I thought “Oh crap, I’m gonna starve before tomorrow’s eat time” 

But, I soldiered on and swigged a fruit cup for desert. No chewing involved.  

And that’s it, until now, 0808 CST and I’m doing OK.

No hunger pangs. 

I’m a terrible terrible fat American. 

I’ve only had my cup of Java so far. Like I said yesterday, I know Mormons aren’t supposed to drink coffee but in my defense, coffee keeps this trucker from going ape s**T and running 4 wheelers off the road. 

It’s a coping tool 😬

I did notice something else yesterday though, just as the last 30 minutes before eat time began.  I started getting that low blood sugar feeling.

 You know, swirly brain, tingly fingers, slight touch of vertigo…overall, just weird.
So, as I learn, I guess I’ll start my eat time an hour earlier, say noon to 7pm to avoid going into an embarrassing coma or shock. 

Here’s a thought…

I wonder if I had beef jerky to chew on, if that’s cheating or would invalidate my efforts. Not swallow the jerky, just the juice? 

What think ye?

Only 4 more hrs to go. 

Just don’t think about it Trey. It’s OK not to eat all of the time. 

It wouldn’t be as tough if I smoked…but,thats one Mormon rule I do adhere to. 

I’m such a munch mouth though! 
I have a feeling this is gonna save me money on groceries…or future gastric surgery.😷✂️💊⚰️

On to day 3! 

New Muse

I have found my new muse! 

My writers block has lifted! 

I have decided to focus my recently dormant creative blogging energy toward my fatness and the prominence of said gut…. 

I have decided that I do not look good as a full figured man. 

If you get my point. 

I will turn 54 this year and my goal is 185 lbs. Not the 261 I currently am. Oh, btw, that’s from a truck stop scale so it could be + or – 20lbs.

I am pursuing Intermittent Fasting. 

No, I’ve only been studying about it for a couple of days and I’m only on day 1.

I will share as I live and learn. 

Hey! It’s our journey together! 

So, here goes on day 1.

Fat Attack, Engage! 

I have way more gray hair
Oooooo No, this is not a New Years resolution.

The toughest part of intermittent fasting (IF), for me, is getting past the mental part. The part that says that I have to eat or munch on something all of the time. 

After I thought about it, I discovered that I really only eat breakfast out of habit. I know its considered the most important meal of the day but, I hardly ever wake up hungry anyways. All I usually want is coffee in the morning, anywho. I know, I know, I’m a terrible Mormon. If that’s my only failing today, I’m good.

So, I’m on my first day of IF and I haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon and I’m still not hungry. The biggest obstacle is not to munch just to munch. Kinda like, if I smoked, I guess. Smoking a cigarette just to smoke. But, since I don’t smoke, I munch….then get fat.

It’s gonna be kinda tough with me being a truck driver, since my schedules are always jacked up and hard to stay consistent with anything. I figure though that if I keep the general time frame intact, I should be good. Of course the body acts different at night than during the day, blah blah blah.

I know, I know…
Lot’s of interesting, common sense stuff with IF. Y’all read up on it. I’ll keep you up to date on how it’s going with me. Here’s how I’m starting out:

1) No Breakfast (liquids are fine. Water, coffee, tea, etc., easy on the sweeteners; calories bad)

2) Eat normally but wisely between 1-8pm

3) Fast for 16 hrs or until the next day eating period.

Retrain in the membrane!

Thanks to-https://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting

Consistently Loopy

Wow….

I’m telling you what….

If you don’t post everyday or drop a line or opinion everyday, your WordPress fans go away. Not that I had any really but, dang, I have to work for a living and do other important grown up stuff.

I wish I could write everyday…….or come up with something interesting, provocative or controversial or entertaining at a moments notice for my “audiences” viewing pleasure but, I’m only a hack writer and somewhat of a weirdo and have absolutely no talent or unbroken attention span.wp-1460852779979.jpg

IMHO….

I like making stuff up or exaggerating about a life event; mine or someone else’s?

Ok, I lie.

I don’t really like writing or giving an opinion on politics; especially not in today’s world , nor in this current partisan mood.

Twitter will KILL me!

It seems like the older I get the more I am concerned with the world around me and the future of my species.

Does it you?

Why should I worry about that, anyhow?

Is it because I have kids and grandkids?/

Is it because I want them to have a peaceful and fruitful life and a beautiful world? /

Of course, I do.

I’m not a freaking monster.

Would I worry about the world after I’m dead if I had, had no progeny?

I’d like to think I would but, unfortunately I am anti-social with borderline personality disorder and am completely self absorbed, so….fuck’em.

wp-1460853381672.jpgThe same thing goes for my opinion on religion/s.

I am what you would call….non-commital.

I believe that organized religion is corrupt in God’s eyes.

I believe that God still talks to man but no one knows it.

I believe that Jesus was the literal son of God, just as we all are.

I believe that there have been many men and women that have been “touched” by the finger of God and have taught many many essential truths.

Sorry, my train of thought just derailed….

I am becoming more jaded, the older I get.

The more I put my opinions or thoughts down on the screen and reread them, I ponder my words and come to the startling summation that I am either crazier than hell, a grumpy old man or a normal Joe Schmoe…..

That’s probably the scariest thought….am I actually normal?

No, that’s crazy, I know I’m batshit.

I have to be. I can’t be normal!

That would ruin my whole deal if I was normal!

I’ve been under the self diagnosed assumption that I am crazy, off kilter, a dysfunctional unit, a piñata that’s full of shit.wpid-image-29776397883-picsay.png

If I’m normal, I am going to be very disappointed in God when I see him.

If he tells me that I was the only normal man on earth, after everything single mean thought I’ve ever had, shoplifted piece of candy, cruel or biased judgmental observation, every dirty sex thought(I’m a freaking pervert, I swear) or any bad thing that has flashed thru my drug and or alcohol addled mind at the moment, I’ll kill myself…again.

Right there, in front of God, I will blow my freaking brains out.

I can’t be normal, I just can’t!

All of the excuses I’ve ever had won’t be worth a shit!

Ok, that train of thought complete, let’s continue: shall we?

I know I’m crazy.

I’ve read up on it!

I fit like 4 different patterns of mental illness!wpid-wp-1435676014160.jpeg

I don’t like talking about politics because I hate hypocrisy and everyone else’s opinion is bullshit.

Same goes for religion….

I am what I am.

I am spiritual.

I am bi-partisan.

I love my country but believe national borders are wrong.

I also believe there are evil people and that hard, unpopular decisions must be made to protect the innocent and meek among us; to protect freedom of will, choice and worship.

I believe that our way of life hangs in the balance, as it has for generations upon generations.

I believe that we are not alone in this universe.

It’s illogical….and arrogant

The place is just too big, and its still growing.

Change does that.

Evolution does that.wpid-fb_img_1426357030484.jpg

Innovation, prosperity, war and famine….does that.

We used to throw rocks at the moon and some people on this earth still make huts out of cow shit so, there….

How’s that high horse riding, now?

Our planet, to the best of our limited knowledge based on rules, guidelines and words created by fallible men, is said to be 4 billion years old.

Oh, words are hissing noises or guttural noises and we have spelling bees….

This world does not need us, we need it.

I know that I am nothing.

I know that I am everything.

I know that I am a miracle of evolutionary progress and I used to pee in my pants.

I know that change never ends.

images (2)There will be others after us…

Just imagine.

I believe that it is the doom of man that we forget

…….and I can’t remember shit.

Thx for wasting time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sliding Away

I am a middle aged man, if 52 is considered middle age.

I don’t know the guidelines or rules about that shit but, for sure, I think I’m going crazy.

I complain, constantly. 1461613209900.jpg

I tease and torment, constantly….probably an ego trip.

I feel resentment, constantly.

Weird part is that I realize it but, I’m not an asshole.

I know, I know.

I’ve been drinking a 12 pack of beer every afternoon for the last 3 months, and I don’t know why.

Yes, I do.

I come home after work, I plug in all of my mobile goodies and boot up the laptop and pop open a beer and deal with my anxiety.

Today….with my ungrateful family (in my own mind).

It’s been raining here all day and I knew that it was boring at home for them so, I ordered them pizza and stuff….a surprise, I had hoped.

They ate most of the hot wings and left me one. piece. of. pizza out of a 12″ pizza.

They ate ALL OF THE LAVA CAKE! 3 of them!!!

I cannot tolerate inconsiderate, discourteous people.

I am like Hannibal Lecter in this sense; “I would not have had that happen to you. Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me.”

fb_img_1453559415668.jpgI need to drink more beer.

I don’t want to eat the last piece of pizza….

Principle and pride.

I don’t want to eat any of the left over wings, either….

Principle, pride and SPITE

I am not eating the one. slice. of. pizza.

It will mold before I touch it.

I think(know)they’re taking advantage of me but, it could just be in my mind.

Problem is, my mind controls me.

It’s the voices in my head that make too much noise.

Talking shit…..

They’re in on it too, now that I think about it.

The voices and the ungrateful fuckers….

I read about Buddha and Eckhart Tolle.fb_img_1450528313084.jpg

I see what they’re saying but, what if what they’re saying is true or logical?

Buddha is a fuck stick. Crazy bastard.

I’m losing my shit.

It’s a gradual process……

…….the slipping away part.

I hate to see me go crazy.

I used to be…..

I used to be…..

I am a good person but, there are issues…..apparently…..obviously.

I’m so mad about the pizza and chicken wings that I’m not even gonna sleep in my bed tonight.

I’m gonna sleep in my truck.

wp-1460165425400.jpgListening to the ungrateful fuckers walking around, talking about me…..

I know they are….

Go home, Trey.

I’m drunk.

…..again

Over and over….

It never. Never. Stops.

 

 

Sober Rain

Maybe this can help…someone.

rain2

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, you know, the one with her so called “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, hardly able to breathe….

….. today was a good day for her though, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass.

1461613209900.jpg

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

rain3

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

It’s been years, really….

Too fast…
…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….
She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

rain7

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There was only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

(I got to first base….ha ha…slut…ha ha)

Seems like forever ago…

There was only skinned knees, gum in our hair and friends we shared.

It was all a dream.

images (1)

It couldn’t have been real.

It was all….too perfect.

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where have you been….”God”?

images (8)

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

(Drunk bitch)
I fucking hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.
(I hate you for dying)

fb_img_1450528313084.jpg

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….
(You did this to yourself, all you had to do was say something)

[RUMBLLLLLLLE]

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.
(This could have been avoided)

So easy to avoid….(It’s my fault)

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

man-screaming

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….
“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt…” she whispers….”weird” she breathes.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.
(This is all your fault, you ASSHOLE!!!)

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like the asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

animanshandsholdingwater

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God!

Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

……she lives where lightning is born, now….

Our lives will continue as my memory….

I guess I should cry now….

But, I think it would still upset her…

…..no matter.

She did it to herself so, fuck her.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

imagessundrop

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

(I’m sorry I yelled at you, God…earlier)

I’m….just…….mad

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I don’t believe in heaven, only hell is real.

I can hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

….sorry again, God.

I didn’t mean that part about only believing in hell.

I’ve seen pieces of heaven, sometimes; here and there….

Our heaven is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….then
(But, why….?)

She did it to herself…..

Selfish bitch! Why didn’t you say anything!?

She could have stopped anytime she wanted.

I shouldn’t judge, really.

I’m an asshole, too. So forgive my outbursts.

I’m gonna stop tomorrow….

….for her.

download (2)
I promise….

The Dying Rain

rain5
The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.

….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

rain3

She did it to herself…. 

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday. 

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober. 

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

rain7

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I won’t weep…..she did it to herself; selfish bitch. 

I’m not going to cry…not now at least. 

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared

.rain4

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God…. 

Oh so still…..

God? Where is God now? 

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself. 

I hate her. 

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….dream9

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

 (I hate you for dying) 

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

(You did this to yourself) 

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

This could have been avoided.

So easy… 

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t! 

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!) 

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets her…no matter.

 I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

rain1

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

(Why….?) 

Last And First

When I first started with WordPress, pert near on 3 years ago I do reckon, I was very prolific with my new posts. I was spouting off everyday, sometimes 3 posts a day; cranking out some good stuff, some bad stuff, but mostly inane stuff.

Fun though….wp-1460852779979.jpg

But, it seems like I have either burned out this year or something weird; I bet I haven’t posted anything new or noteworthy for quite a spell.

No, no I don’t have writers block. You have to be a WRITER to get blocked.

I am just a hack.

People that can stay focused, dedicated or obsessed in creating a work of literature, poetry or the like, or maintaining a continuing stream of thought that keeps others intrigued or interested….

That’s a writer.

I just get easily bored with nothing else to do.

That’s how I am, I guess; or the only excuse or maybe justification I can even use for my apparent apathy towards my sleazy, sticky, fumbling attempts at writing.

I know how I can get with things and it makes me even crazier.

I have the attention span of a $2 crackhead….or maybe a gnat.

Speaking of my creativity or lack thereof, my dwindling level of interest, my non-existent ability to focus on anything other than cooking shows or the Discovery Channel for periods longer than 30 minutes, my aforementioned miniscule attention span, my “creative juice” seems to ebb and flow.animanshandsholdingwater

Speaking of juice, my posting is kinda like my 52-year-old testosterone level, really….

At an elderly 52 years old (which I’ve never been this old before) I will unabashedly admit that I would kill for an early morning wake-up boner or WOOD as it is also referenced as by the male of our species; or I’d give a kidney for a boner with amorous intent or hell, I’d be grateful to the point of tears and snot for a boner at the worst possible time. You fella’s reading this know the kind of boner I mean….

A 7TH GRADER BONER FOR HELL SAKES!!!

The kind of boner that a cat can’t scratch or one that could cut diamonds!

Ahhh…the memories.

No, I haven’t any shame or ability to be embarrassed any longer.

I lost that on my 50th birthday.

The truth will set me free.

Anywho….wpid-fb_img_1428067770822.jpg

However, now that I ponder a little more on my bonelessness (is that a word?) I would consider selling my soul to whatever devil exists in this millennium to treat my long-suffering, dearly betrothed, regretfully abstaining wife to a good ol’fashioned Viking rape and pillage.

It would have to be a Viking rape fantasy playtime, if I ever get the chance. Last time I had wood, I was a masked burglar that jumped out of the closet to assault her and she shot me…..

Ok, I’m getting side-tracked…..again; see how easily I get distracted?

Told you….

[Quick present moment reality admission]

I made my morning coffee too strong. I have sweat running down my ribs and man boobs. I swear to God there is cocaine in Folgers 100% Columbian.

Hmmm….could be a connection here with my inability to write anything lately…..

Just add copious amounts of stimulants, give me a dose of inspiration or a reason to bitch (which could be the same , I guess) crack open the laptop, back away from the crazy person and watch the fat man dance.

It’s resolution time of course, and here are mine.

wpid-20150318_075402.jpg
More dope than a Mexican cartel…

 

I will post updates, stories or assholes…oops, I meant opinions, at least twice a week; or maybe more if the caffiene is pure or when my testosterone is up.

Please, Jesus…..

I will practice more on my guitar playing and not on buying them.

I will sketch more.

I will get older.

Ok, good, now that that’s out-of-the-way.

I’ll talk to y’all later.

Good luck and Happy New Year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Richard…Adios

I am tweeking an earlier post in tribute to my wifes brother, Richard Peoples, who recently passed…

Get along little doggie….
The Dying Rain
rain5

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my brothers backyard garden.

I was holding his frail hand, the one with his “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

He always laughed like hell, when he’d told me that he could kill a plastic plant…no problem.

I’ve seen it happen.

But now his eyes were closed, his breath labored.

….. today was a good day for him, considering everything….

He may have been asleep but, his fingers gripped mine as hard as he could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding his hand at all, as weak as he was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from one of the strongest people you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass, it seems….

I laced my fingers thru his, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of his hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing him….he’s been here all my life

My big brother, bestest in the whole world, is dying………Dying! Like a normal people!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass305210_196108410454706_7851455_n

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together, times apart….

Too much time spent apart, life getting in the way and all that

I have done this more than usual lately….regret

months…..years….?

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I look at his face as he sleeps….if you can call dying sleep.

He’s so handsome……..even now.

My big brother is fading….rain7

The sun is leaving his eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament his window…..

I won’t weep…..

Not now at least, he gets upset when I cry.

I sit there holding my brothers big old hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees….

In my heart of hearts, I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy……family.

There is only skinned knees, gum in my hair; friends and family we grew up with….

20150318_131303-picsay[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel him stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves him.

His eyes are open and I follow his hooded gaze.

He is looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across his face…..

Richard is quiet….Still.

Oh, so still…..

I notice a small tear is running down my big brothers pale cheek and across his dry lips…

I reach up and wipe his tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I am alive.

Richard grabs my hand and presses it to his lips and then….he drops my hand with a tired sigh.

Richard turns his face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of his tear….

He gives me that shit eating grin of his and turns back to the storm outside his window.

“Will you do me a favor?” he asks in his Cajun drawl; a weak voice now; the stormy sky reflecting in his dimming, big brother eyes.

14671194_620229691471769_6886331719480919208_n“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

Richard squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, his gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” He says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing his to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze hard.

Richard lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

He turns his face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

My brother says quietly, almost a whisper, he says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of him….

I will not….

My big brother is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

His eyes are closed now…

His fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…weird” he whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for remaining here on this earth, for staying alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing he would hear from my lips.

No God….not Richard….

Not my brother….

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

He…..

Richard dropped my hand.

His heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

My big brother has gone away from me, into the storm….

He lives where lightning is born….

He has all the answers now….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets him

…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, he will be here with me.

He will watch my children grow.

He will watch all the children find best friends, be with our family.

It is time for me to weep for my big burly guy…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of him?

I can already hear his voice in my head…

“Cry baby” he’d say….

I smile….

rain1It’s true….

Richard’s here…..right now.

As long as earth lasts forever, He’s alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of him….

My big brother is gone, until it rains.

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