I have almost 700 followers, now.
There’s about 10 of you that actually “visit” my blog regularly and I really appreciate it.
It means so much to me.
Because I am a beggar and extremely lower middle-class, I can’t afford to renew my blog domain right now but, hopefully I will be able to soon.
Buying food, car payments, doctor bills, online porn…..it all has to be paid.
I thought WordPress was free.
I mean, I paid for the premium domain and theme but could never get it to work properly and the whole CSS thingy was a mess….I’ve been using a free theme this whole time, anyways.
So, I’ll keep posting until it croaks on me.
I’m sure most of you have had the same quandry about your blog; “Is anybody gonna read this?” “Will people like it?” “How come no one is commenting and telling me how great I am like they used to?”
That’s not why I write, I have to remember that.
I write to explore the undiscovered country that is me.
I write for me and my friends.
Something is happening to me and I don’t know why, but I’m gonna tell you about it.
We’re gonna explore it together; all 10 of us!
My name is Trey and I am beginning my independant investigation into the Baha’i faith.
I am finding it a little intimidating and a little difficult to find a good avenue of exploration and educational material on “how” to “become” a Baha’i; at least the kind of instruction that I was expecting. You know…books, manuals, videos, structured tutelage, etc;
But, because I am so used to or engrained by living my life as a Mormon for the past 30 plus years and how the Church is set up, that I’ve forgotten how to look at anything differently or objectively; to even consider that there was something else…..out there for me.
Was I looking for something different?
I guess I’ve always been looking, like most everyone else that has ever lived.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not a disgruntled Mormon and I do not hate the Church, nor am I a hostile Christian but, I am 50 years old and I am not happy with the person that I am. I guess I have tried to be a good Mormon but as I look back over my life I have realized that I have always been looking for….something.
I’ve believed in Jesus Christ as the Son of God all of my life…and I still do.
But…aren’t we all, children of God?
One God, one source, many branches, many teachers….bad translations.
But why do I need to even be a member of a particular religion?
There’s thousands of them to choose from, and I have looked into many.
That’s when I stumbled across this about 6 months ago, can’t really remember where exactly:
“It is not for him to pride himself who loveth his own country, but rather for him who loveth the whole world. The earth is but one country, and mankind its citizens.”
As a man that is tired of living a lie and desires to be a good man, a better man, I am old enough to make some admissions about myself, even though I now know that Baha’i prohibit the act of confession. These are not confessions, these are temporary states of being which I am tired of living with and are a poisonous part of my soul.
I have to let go…..
For those of you that have followed my blog on a steady basis, you all know these things about me and why I am always questioning myself, over and over and over and again;
“Why am I this way?!”
I am a racist. I have prejudices. I judge others unfairly. I am a hypocrite.
I can be cruel, unfair. I can forgive others but not myself . I am too hard on myself and I am tired of it….
I’m tired of being angry all of the time, I’m tired of the hate, the fear of life…..the future…..everything.
I don’t like being this way.
I know that I am an imperfect man.
I know I am not the only man that feels this way.
I am lost in this world of mirrors….
I am looking for a new path….
I have taken my first tentative step.
I’m kinda scared…..
Walk with me.
“Be in perfect unity. Never become angry with one another… Love the creatures for the sake of God and not for themselves. You will never become angry or impatient if you love them for the sake of God. Humanity is not perfect. There are imperfections in every human being, and you will always become unhappy if you look toward the people themselves. But if you look toward God, you will love them and be kind to them, for the world of God is the world of perfection and complete mercy.” ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace
I am learning.