Relieved To Not Know

Crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy.

But, what if I SUSPECT that I’m crazy?

What if I’m Suspicious; nay, DUBIOUS of the voices in my head telling me that I MAY be crazy or that I’m crazy to think I’m crazy….?

What if I can’t trust myself, because I know me; I know how I can be. I know how many times I’ve let myself down…

I’m the kind of friend to myself that I love but can’t really trust completely or count on in a crisis.

They/me always lose their/my s*** in terse situations…

Fold like a lawn chair.

But, I keep on forgiving me…even after all the times I’ve let me down. Because, I know, deep down, that I love me in my own special way but, I know that I’m crazy sooo…

I get a pass….

I mean, I’m pretty sure I love me but, I also know that when times get tough, sometimes I’ll disappear or blow things off as not disastrous as initially thought and I’ll lie to me if my butt is on the line or think I’ll get mad at myself.

But, what if I AM crazy?

What if I’m really no friend to myself at all?

What if I’ve just been using myself?!

What if ignorance really IS bliss?

Does that mean that since I am a “naturally” happy, vivacious, fun-loving, morning, midday, afternoon, all-day person that I’m really just overly ignorant living in this utter bliss, bathed in crazy?

What if I am normal?

What if….I’m. Normal?

Oh. My. Heck.

What if….

I am normal crazy?!

What if, all the talking in my head, the anxieties, the mini-disaster movies playing thru my mind, ALL OF THE CRAZY that I am CONVINCED that I am, is really….just in my head….?

What If….

All the definitions and nuances that the world accepts as standards to be considered “CRAZY” were invented by a “normal crazy” person?

But, we all know that there are no normal people.

So, HOW THE HECK DO I KNOW IF I’M CRAZY OR NORMAL!?

Jesus was the only perfect person that I am aware of but, he was too nice & loving to tell anyone that they were crazy!! Remember the guy and the swine?! Jesus didn’t tell people they were crazy, he just heals them.

How can anyone tell me that I’m normal?

I can believe it when they tell me I’m crazy because of the adage “Takes one, to know one”

“I can smell your crazy”

*shudder*

What if I’ve been normal this whole time?

What if I’ve never actually been crazy!?

WHAT IF I HAVE REACTED TO EVERY DISASTROUS SITUATION IN A NORMAL, FULLY FUNCTIONAL WAY!!?

What if…?

If I’m not crazy, I’m gonna be PISSED.

Without my crazy, I will have absolutely no excuses for my behavior, to fall back on.

Crazy, you complete me.

I need my crazy; it’s so obvious.

But, what if I’m really really the only normal person that has ever existed; other than Jesus, I mean?

I wonder if Jesus had his crazy moments…?

What if Jesus….wondered if HE was crazy? Hearing heavenly, ethereal voices, seeing angels, talking to dead people…?

….thinking he is the son of God….

How crazy is that, he’d think.

What. If. When Jesus found out he was perfect, but KNEW he didn’t FEEL perfect, totally convinced that he was NOT PERFECT.

What if Jesus worried about stuff…?

Do you think Joseph Smith thought he was crazy? Himself, I mean?

Would I think I’m crazy, if I had a prayer answered by God & Jesus, in person?

Or would I know that I wasn’t crazy because, it was real?

I’m sure God would let me know that this wasn’t crazy town, that it was actually him…

But you can’t trust crazy, can we?

Can you POSSIBLY imagine what a 14 yr old Joseph Smith was thinking when he walked out of that Grove of trees behind his small house, known what he now knew? Looking at his home, his dad in the adjacent field, the chickens in the yard, his mother looking out of the back door, with a look on her face, wondering why he was in the woods; the clothes drying on the line, slowly moving in the breeze.

Did that just happen, he’d have thought?

Normal thought right?

Or, is it?

Am I crazy?

How do I know?

They say that God talks to people all of the time but, other people always tell them that they’re crazy.

What if God is the voice in my head telling me that I’m NOT crazy?

That I’m only normal crazy?

I hate being normal.

It’s so obvious, now.

Crazy to think so.

January 17, 2019 1

Year 1, again.

Just checking out the new editor on WP.

Retitled, requoted, repictured my profile.

Got tags fixed, linked social sites are good to go…

Now, all I have to do is start all over, AGAIN. Bare/Bear my soul, AGAIN…

I have a pretty good idea which way to go and how to treat everything I want to do with my blog; this time round.

But unfortunately, I have to work for a living and I’m tired.

I hope all of y’all had a good Christmas. TTYL

Trey

January 9, 2019 0

The Dying Rain

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.

….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

She did it to herself….

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I won’t weep…..she did it to herself; selfish bitch.

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where is God now?

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

I hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

(I hate you for dying)

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

(You did this to yourself)

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

This could have been avoided.

So easy…

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets her…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

(Why….?)

January 26, 2017 0

There Are Others Of Us

I will not complain today. That much..

Sometimes I forget that I am surrounded by billions of other people on this world.

Many of them are going about their daily grind at this very moment; having their coffee, walking to the store on the corner for toilet paper, taking a pee off their back porch as they look across their families fields of corn or wheat, walking to the mailbox in your underwear, making steam monsters inside a freezing car as the heater does its job; standing at the end of the driveway watching a school bus full of little, squealing ankle biters fading off in the distance, feeling lonely all of a sudden; but don’t tell the wife or she’ll start cooing and call you a “big ol’baby”.

There are millions of others on our world that scream and wet their pants when a car backfires. There are millions of others on our world that are digging thru mountains of debris looking for grandma or grandpa and snakes.

There are millions of others on our world that are cooking stale corn meal over a buffalo shit fire and filtering some drinking water thru an old tee-shirt and sand..There are millions of others on our world that are waiting for the sun to come back, or Jesus, or the mothership…

Allahu Akbar….

REPENT YE!

Fear God, not man…

What a crock of shit.

Lets face reality, people.

There are millions of others on our world that will not have a meal today and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. Maybe the rebel or government troops won’t steal the food from the relief organizations this time. They wonder if cannabalism is really all that bad.

There are others on our world that will wonder what that noise is, right before the building explodes.

There are others on our world , millions of PEOPLE, that are not “blessed” or “lucky” enough to have what millions of us have; like a grocery store that throws away tons of perfectly edible food on a weekly basis.

I’ve witnessed it.

There are others on our world that would be grateful for a spoon of oatmeal or maybe a nice, hot shower or hell, maybe some timely penicillin.

There are others on our world that have never seen a TV, a car, an aspirin, an iPhone or a Kardashian…

I woke up this morning, like millions of others on our world, worrying about my bills, being at work on time, 52 year old aches and pains and a noisy coffee maker; then, I saw this: Sacrifice

I didn’t wake up dead this morning but, I complained about my life.

I cried for a baby and her dead parents this morning, then I remembered.

I reminded myself to be grateful and happy

I stopped what I was doing and began to do my little guilt routine.

As I walked around my bed, making it up, I told myself to be grateful, told myself what I should be happy for and why, to REMIND myself how truly blessed” “lucky” or “providentially gifted” or just in the right place at the right time, stumbling around bleery eyed in this little tiny apartment, in this little bitty city, in this tiny weeny country on this little bitty planet in this big old universe.

I have to remind myself to be grateful.

Think about that for a bit today.

Shouldn’t being grateful come naturally, shouldn’t it be kind of like an instinct?

I have to remind myself to be happy, some days…

Sometimes life gets in the way of living, and we forget the present moment is all we truly have and that each breath is a gift in this, our miracle of existence that defy any explanations or the limitation of human thought or expression.

We forgot how to be ourselves because we did it to ourselves and others.

I will not complain today.

Please remember that everything is impermanent, nothing lasts forever, but this includes all aspects of the human condition or life situation; such as, happy can be happier, best can be better or my coffee can be ready on time.

We are what we think we are, we create our reality or our perception of it.

Don’t even get me started on the treachery of perception.

Do you have to remind yourselves to be grateful or happy?

I will not complain today but, tomorrow…..I’m pretty sure I’ll have to remind myself to be happy and grateful, again.

Don’t be me….

Love, everything.

Love, everybody.

Help someones life be better.

Even if it kills you.

Merry Ho Ho Christmas y’all ..

October 11, 2016 3

Things To Ponder

If I reach one person, it will be worth it.

One talks to one…

“Oh, I read something the other day that got me thinking”

One+One = change

……eventually….

….hopefully…

Sit down.

Close your eyes and breathe.

Forget about the world and get into your own head.

Now….

Why is there war?

Why is there hate?

Why are there borders and fences?

Why do we hate the person that cut us off in traffic?

Why is there racism?

Have you ever really listened to the night?

How have we survived as a species this long?

Why …..?

Just why.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Do you know why I know there is no God?

Because every God created by man has never been this patient.

Zeus, Krishna, Yahweh, Appollo, Odin, Allah, yada yada yada…pffffft

Have you ever really looked at a flower?

A God, to my understanding of what a God should be, is not here.

We are on our own and we’re killing ourselves.

Nothing is forever.

All things change.

Death is inevitable.

Tomorrow is not real.

Our moral compass will not fail but, our ego can drown it out.

Ignorance is the greatest enemy.

Everyone knows this.

Have you ever really looked at a human and how miraculous they are?

It is the doom of man that we forget.

My thought?

We never had a clue.

Save us from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered where it all went wrong?

Me either.

But, I am now.

There are too many humans on this earth and “God” knows it.

So does all the other Gods, plus Mother Nature also knows.

The balance is wrong…

Just a matter of time

October 2, 2016 1

Battlefield, Me.

The Fourth Mindfulness Training: Awareness of Suffering.

I have started on a new life path.

Let me get going with this before I forget the feelings and emotions that I just went thru about 10 minutes ago.

Kinda scary, really….for me at least; or “my type” of scary.

Close freaking call is what it was.

I just barely walked into my little apartment; put up the groceries with shaking hands, poured a glass of lemonade with spasming shoulder muscles; then sat down, sweating, and turned on this lap top to share something with y’all.

I’m an alcoholic, you see; currently, blessedly, dormant.

I wanted a drink, bad this afternoon; drink aka: beer, whiskey, wine, inebriant….buzz

I don’t know what created the urge, craving, desire, longing or the lust.

It came out of nowhere, like a foul smell on an ill breeze.

I will run thru some sadly familiar things y’all probably already know about alcoholics; or have heard or maybe suffered with yourself.

The newest craving came out of nowhere and I have no idea what set it in motion.

None….

I’ve come to, in too many bars wondering how I got there.

Woke up in too many ditches, vacant cars, dumpsters or a bed in a stranger’s home.

I’m enough of an experienced alcohol rehabber to not be set off by feeble beer signs, beer advertisements, beer trucks, liquor stores, etcetera, etcetra…laudy freaking dah

But, there it was; out of nowhere? Or was it in me, in my soul the whole time, just waiting….?

One second I was driving my big truck to Wal-Mart; as a matter of fact I was listening to an audiobook called “The Heart of The Buddha’s Teachings” by Thich Nhat Hanh, because I am always searching for ways to make myself a better person, or maybe to make me feel better about myself or maybe to fill my head with good things and not bad things.

Right thinking…..

I don’t know why I am always listening and reading these self help books, seminars, different churches and countless other things.

….I don’t know why.

Anyhow, back to the craving.

It came like a hot breath on the back of my neck, it’s broken teeth raking across my skin; shivers and goosebumps up and down my spine.

My mouth started to water as I realized what was happening…

“No” I whispered to myself “No”

And just like that, it was all I could think about.

TA DA!! ABRA-FUCKING-CADABRA!

The battle for my sobriety was joined

Right Trey said “NO, ain’t happening”

Left Trey said “You’re just gonna have a few before bed”

There is no “few” in an alcoholics mind; especially not in this drunks mind.

Right Trey says “I don’t want to feel bad all day tomorrow”

I’m also a newly diagnosed diabetic.

Left Trey says “You’ll get plenty of sleep for it to wear off before you have to get up”

Right Trey says “I don’t want to keep getting up and have to pee a hundred times”

Left Trey says “Oh, it ain’t that bad, you pussy”

Right Trey says “I AM bored, though…..”

First sign of weakness; I have a lot of those.

Left Trey smells blood in the water and continues his attack “Just make sure you make a nice dinner while you can still stand and eat while you drink, that way you won’t get AS drunk or feel AS bad tomorrow”

I can’t believe I still listen to this guy, but….

I am shaking and sweating.

I’m getting so anxious that it’s causing me to get sharp pains in my chest and the inevitable heartburn starts.

Panic attack! Oh, shit! I HATE THOSE!

The beer annex in the Walmart was closed.

Small miracles.

I win!

Look at me! So full of moxy and blazing with self confidence (I know better) I went to a convenience store next door to the Walmart to get me a lemonade or something…

I had triumphed.

My chest hurt. I needed some Zantac

I blinked my eyes and found myself in front of the beer cooler, looking at the beer.

I was trembling….

“….no”

“….yes”

I felt sick, I felt nervous, I felt scared and weak….I felt mad.

I’m losing….

I know me….

Left Trey said “Ok, don’t get a 12 pack then, just get 2 forties”

Compromise; second line of attack

It was such a terrible craving attack.

Left Trey can be a ruthless bastard! Damn near killed me a few times.

I haven’t had a craving this serious in years.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I have “bad” cravings everyday. Little bitty ones but, not like this one was.

This was the kind of craving that ends up with me locked in a motel room for 4 days in the dark, hating myself, looking for the courage to find a way out of my head….

You see? I know me…

It made me physically ill and scared the shit out of me.

Too damn close, man….

Why now, after so long, I wonder? That’s the really scary part.

I’m gonna have to be on alert.

Always fucking there, dude!

Jeez, I don’t need a relapse, man . Not like THIS…

I’m doing soo much better!

I won for the day though.

That’s a good sign, I guess.

I’m still willing to fight for my soul.

I have been for a long time.

“Do not become frustrated or discouraged when starting a new path in your life because eventually you will shake off the dust of the old path” – Me

“The Noble 8 Fold path teaches that through restraining oneself, cultivating discipline, practicing mindfulness and meditation,the enlightened ones can stop their craving, clinging and their karmic accumulations; thus ending their rebirth of suffering.” Wikipedia

September 18, 2016 1

Understand?

Disclaimer: I am newly, 52 years old and I may be experiencing a mid-life thingy. I won’t call it a crisis because I’m not IN crisis.

Or, maybe that’s what the crisis wants me to think….

Stay back, paranoia!!

So, please forgive me if my blog may tend to wander thru mysticism, spirituality, religion, agnosticism, politics, the benefits of the mushroom in the worship of a great white buffalo or waiting on that UFO that dropped our ‘first parents’ off here, thousands OR millions of years ago; depending on your familial school of thought or how you’re particular faith-based group in your neighborhood led you to believe, in a botched attempt to grow a new food source that was stupid and got fat easily….kinda like cows.

I believe that an unseen deity put our first progenitors on this earth, naked…in a perfect garden and told them….BEHAVE.

Not even God is that stupid.

Oh, plus the fact that we’re in a scientifically proven and individually, visually confirmed huge ass galaxy that is surrounded by other, quoting Carl Sagan “Billions and billions of galaxies” end partial quote.

Follow this next thought with me….

If God was an actual scientist; and I believe that all evidence, that we naked apes are capable of understanding point to the fact that, He/She/I Am does occasionally dabble in the sciences.

If “God” wanted to create an experiment where he has access to unlimited material, unlimited time, unlimited knowledge, unlimited space and NO bosses or alphabetized federal agency looking over his shoulder, do you actually believe that he would only have ONE species as his primary focus? Even I, in my sadly, limited and Google accessible scientific prowess know that there is always a control group in ANY experiment.

…several control groups.

Oh lord, I can hear the Jesus, Mohammed freaks now…

“God doesn’t need a control group! He’s GOD!!”

Calm down! Stay back , I’m on your side!

(Sound of whip cracking and animals roaring)

STAY BACK, DAMN YOU!!!

Hell, here I go:

We don’t know if we are even the first attempt in this experiment…

We may not even be the initial, hopefully anticipated outcome of the experiment.

We may be a control group that is going bat shit and has been set aside on a shelf, checked every few million years for any change, be it progressive or regressive, the results recorded and noted for reevaluation at a later date.

(God in a lab coat, shaking his head, scribbles on his clipboard)

“Hmmmmm, not good” he says “Not good at all” then….he starts erasing…..

I think the great flood in the Bible was actually a heavenly lab attendant attempting to wash us out of a petri dish and God stopping him at the last-minute….

Ooooo…I think I’ll start a church.

Anywho, let me get back to my point (Man that’s some wicked coffee)

Mankind is arrogant.

Mankind is superficial, greedy, violent, narcissistic and collectively insane…

Let me quote Eckhart Tolle:

“The collective manifestations of the insanity that lies at the heart of the human condition constitute the greater part of human history. It is to a large extent a history of madness. If the history of humanity were the clinical case history of a single human being, the diagnosis would have to be: chronic paranoid delusions, a pathological propensity to commit murder and acts of extreme violence and cruelty against his perceived “enemies”—his own unconsciousness projected outward. Criminally insane, with a few brief lucid intervals.” – A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

But, then someone on this earth goes and does something selfless, beautiful and charitable….

Showing hope. Showing progress. Showing potential.

There is nothing more that the present moment in this existence.

The past is past; let it guide you, not define you; “It is in the nature of things that joy arises in a person free from remorse.” – Buddha

There is no future, only dreaming of one.

Tomorrow is optimism OR pessimism….depending on your mood but, tomorrow never really comes….

We are living moment to moment; because I know that, every one of us, have heard the saying “Man plans, God laughs his ass off” Well, maybe not exactly….that way…

“Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.”
― Louis L’Amour

Jesus said, in the New International version of the Bible (translation attempt 554); according to Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Buddha also reportedly said “Ardently do today what must be done. Who knows? Tomorrow, death comes.”

That’s not being morbid, that’s fact…

We.Do.Not.Know…so why keep acting like we do?

If you have so much faith in a God, you’re supposed to let him handle everything, TRUST IN HIM.

How can people “faithfully” do that and worry about a tomorrow?

Another thing; how can you believe “faithfully” in forgiveness when you let the mistakes in your past affect you in the present moment and for that matter or allow people in your life to remind you of your past mistakes?

People that do that are the worst kind of ugly scar.

“God” is in us all.

“God” cannot be described

“God” is “I AM”

Think about that for a second….

Why would he say that?

How many times do we say that a day, “I AM”?

Are we comparing ourselves to “God” are we blaspheming or are we reaffirming our innate knowledge that we and God are one and the same?

“I AM Trey”

“I AM here”

“I AM doing something”

“I AM your friend”

“…..I AM listening”

Wow….I love exploration and self discovery.

I love traveling thru my mind…..

I just thought of something else….I know nothing, Jon Snow…

When I am typing and farting around on my humble blog, I am not thinking…..

I am just….being present……being here, at this moment.

By the time I wonder “What will the next moment bring?” I have already passed thru “that moment”

Hard to explain…

I’m sorry, I know I’m going on and on about drivel but, I just wanted to share my mid-life situation with y’all this morning.

I’ll leave you with this; and it’s true

If you only think about what you are doing right now, you have no capacity to worry.

Think about THAT

“Treat everyone you meet as if they were you.”
― Doug Dillon

“Do it now, then….?” – Trey (that’s me)

“If you are depressed, you are living in the Past. If you are anxious, living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment.” – Lao Tzu

PS: We have had so many wonderful, enlightened teachers throughout history and we still don’t learn….

September 14, 2016 1

It Is The Doom Of Man That We Forget: 1

“The trouble is, you think you still have time” – Fake Buddha quote

Dreams come true, sometimes…

Nightmares aren’t real, unless you’re in it…

“It is the doom of man that we forget”

Dante warned us what we faced….

The earth is burning out of control as we speak.

Mankind…..The arsonist of life.

Mankind…..The only hope.

I think we’re fucked….

No, check that…we are….fucked.

Thank God, I’m an optimist!

I wouldn’t be a good God.

I AM too vengeful, jealous and impatient.

I’d have wiped us all out by now and started over.

I didn’t want to start out this post with that kind of attitude.

I don’t really like being a glass half empty type person.

I like being…..a “me” type person.

But….

People are still killing people though…

If you don’t like this post, I will fucking kill you!

Sounds like as good a reason to kill someone as any other, don’t ‘cha think?

Killers of the weak and meek….

They steal children from their front yards, rape them, choke them, stab them; then throw them into dumpsters or rivers.

They blow people up because they believe that there are only 65 virgins, not 72….

They shoot people in the face for $12 and a carton of smokes.

They bomb people from the air because they crossed a line on a map.

They kill people because they don’t know any other way. After all, their parents killed them, didn’t they?

They kill them because they took the name of their Lord in vain.

They kill them because they don’t believe in the God of their own understanding.

Besides, they know they are right….They BELIEVE IT.

They kill a child because the child is sexy; the kid was just asking for it.

They kill Granny because they know she gets a check every month, and she’s frail…..and weak.

They choke or beat their wives to death because the bitch didn’t have supper on time…or they need the insurance money to buy that new boat…or an engagement ring for the new bitch.

They kill the homeless person living in the alley because the fucker keeps asking for money and they’re tired of having to step over the piece of shit to get to the porno store…..Besides, he’s weak too….and vulnerable.

Plus, no one will miss them.

Public service, I guess they could say.

“ I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die….”

When Jesus said “The meek shall inherit the earth” maybe he meant their bodies.

Magool Eater of Children — Magool
Eater of Children

Piles of meek bodies stacked to the sky.

Evil reigns upon our lands.

If you turn the other cheek, you die.

Why do you think we have the ability to look over our shoulder?

It’s not because we like to see where we’ve been…

It’s because of danger and suspicion….instinct for survival.

Darwin said that only the strong survive…

I will die before I deny Christ…or Buddha or whoever is popular this century….

Oh, interesting side note; did y’all know that as of November 2014, the full Bible has been translated into 531 languages, and 2,883 languages have at least some portion of the Bible.

And people sit there and believe that its infallible….PFFFT!

Were humans involved?

“I rest my case, Mr Mason; your witness”

No, don’t start getting all defensive, I’m not an atheist.

I’m more along the lines of an Agnostic Deist Buddhist Transcendentalist Baptist Catholic with Jainism tendencies.

The above crap means nothing to me in all reality…

IN REALITY…

I want to live, you see…?

I want other people to live.

Happy, happy, happy!

There is nothing worth dying for, except 3 things only;

I will die to protect my family and I will die to protect myself and, old age….That’s it.

I’m tired of enforced, forced, justifiable death.

I’m tired of war.

I’m tired of people preying on the weak and innocent.

I am tired of pedophiles that rape and murder children because the monsters mommy were mean to them when THEY were kids.

I’m tired of the assholes that actually believe that shit.

I’m tired of people that kill in the name of God, Allah…Mohammed, Yahweh, Jehovah….Christ.

I’m tired of governments, controlled by little men AND women that control millions of us sheep, ready to die for flag and country….for $350 a week with reduced benefits…..

“Shake my hand, so I can see if you have a dagger up your sleeve”

Maybe mankind is a virus after all.

Weak viral cells have to die so that the stronger ones can feed off of them and survive to poison the host even further, mutating and adapting to become even harder to kill…

Knowing full well that when the host dies, they die.

They just don’t care, or if they do care, they just believe that “It can’t happen to me”

“Gimme all the money in the register!”

“Okay, there’s only $15 dollars, but I’ll give you all the cash in my purse…take anything you want, just don’t hurt me! I’ll give you an hour to get away before I call the police! Just don’t hurt me, I have kids!”

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

“Fucking, raghead!” “Fucking, Jew!” “Fucking, honky!” “Fucking, nigger!”

It doesn’t matter who you are, really…

If you have something that someone else wants, they will take it.

Oil, helpless children, women, money, cars….land….innocence.

What will I say to God when I meet him?

I know I won’t be able to look him in the eye….

“What in the hell is going on down there?!” asks God

I shrug my shoulders “I thought you knew” says I

“I quit paying attention after the flood. I thought that straightened everything out” God frowns….”I have other sheep, not of this fold”

I don’t blame him….

Free will and all that…..

“You left too many people” says I

This is my opinion;

A thought that I’d like for you to explore and consider….

Have you ever seen a beautiful work of art that everyone agreed on?

Have you ever seen a play or movie that everyone loved?

Does everyone love free Pepporoni pizza with extra cheese?

Dear God,

…..or whoever is running the show this week;

Give me the powers to set things right.

Let me be the judge….

I will kill them all.

Oh wait….

That’s your job….

We must remind ourselves that we are capable of beautiful, wonderful things…

Please watch this Pale Blue Dot

September 13, 2016 0

Dreams I’ll Never See

Have you ever had a wonderful, beautiful, tragic, romantic, heart-rending dream before?

There is this girl(I don’t know how old we are in my dream) but, if it’s in relation to her age, I should be late 20’s.

All I can remember about her (after waking up 3-4 times at intense moments during the dream, then losing the flow of the dream and then trying to get back to sleep like a crazy person) that she has fair, smooth skin…light hazel eyes, reddish brown or dark strawberry blonde hair pulled back in a low pony-tail, and a smile….

A smile that makes me cry..

She evidently has a recurring role in my psyche somehow, because I have “known” her since I was a teenager; you know….when us boys start dreaming about the fairer sex.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen her but, it’s long enough between episodes that I almost forget about her; then, she reappears.

I don’t know her name yet but, this is what happened last night…

Best that I can remember.

[DREAM STATE]

I am sitting on a couch, talking to unknown people, subject unknown.

Dream talk….

When a door into the room opens up and “my girl” walks in carrying groceries…

I freeze…..it takes me a second….don’t I know her……….?

(I WAKE UP!!)

ARRRRGGGHHHH!!! NOOOOO!!!

(zzzzzzzzzzz)

She’s seen me just as I see her and she drops the groceries, runs to the couch, crashes down on top of me and wraps her arms around my head. Laying her own beautiful red head down slowly; she’s looking into me; those pale green, sleepy, painful eyes…

Oh…there you are. Now, I remember…

(I WAKE UP!!)

DaMMITTT!!!

(ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, DAMMIT!)

I’m looking at her again…her wet cheek dug into my chest and shoulder, her arm across my chest, her legs across my lap; she says…

(tears in my eyes now in really real)

She say’s…(I can’t see)

“Where have you been?”

So soft, so tenderly….

“Where have you been for soo long?”

Her eyes are glistening now…….accusing…..forgiving…..hating me.

I WAKE UP!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY!!!

I don’t want to be back in the awake place…

No one likes me here….

Guess what now?… I’m thinking…..”I should have stood up when she walked into the room, instead of just sitting there… been a gentleman”

Why that thought? It’s only a…..dream, right?

I must truly respect and cherish this lady; esteem her greatly I must.

Then, smiling to myself like a freaking Cheshire cat, I say to myself…

“Self”

“Thank God…she’s back.”…then, of course, crying myself to sleep…..still smiling.

Glad that “she’s” back…

I’m fighting to find sleep, trying to find her again.

But’ I couldn’t…

I had left her there…in my…”our” dream…apparently again.

I’ve eft her sitting there beside my spot; haven’t I? Clutching at empty air like a gasping person, be it out of despair or need…terrified that I had faded away from the couch and left HER, once again (Crying again now in this really real; my hands are shaking)

Oh my god…..she’s probably still sitting there holding my empty air.

I flatter myself….

Maybe shes screaming my name!

I am empty air.

What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.

I understand a few things more clearly this day; a true zen moment has occurred in my life; other than the fact that I am empty air in a dream romance….

Maybe it’s real to her….

Maybe…..it’s real to me.

Wanna know why about the zen?
A) I do not know this “lady’s” name
B) I have NEVER had a dirty dream about her
C) I have never kissed her.

But last night…last night…(crying in the really real, again)

I think dreams are real…

Last night was the first time, THE FIRST BLESSED TIME I ever heard her voice!

She actually spoke to me, and I can feel her fingers in my skin as surely as I can hear myself sniffling now!

Maybe thats why I couldn’t stay there….

What a bastard I must be…in this awake place.

If heaven is where dreams come true…then I either came one step closer to it last night, or I saw it on a hill….

I felt heaven there…in a dream…on a dream couch with bad cushions; my dream lady holding me…crying into my shoulder…shaking…Her loving me and me not knowing her…

Be back soon Lady…..

I know it and I can’t wait.

But, what if it’s years, like last time? Will you come? Will it be your turn to forget?

Or, will it be like that one time, where we passed each other on a crowded street and only had a second or two to die inside…..as we brushed by each other, the people shoving us along, keeping us apart?

Adrift on the waves.

Here’s what I promise to the Sandman or God; whomever is in charge of dreams…

I’ll behave and commit no sin, I’ll eat all of my vegetables and pick up my dirty clothes.

I will eat tomatoes…..

I’ll beg the Lord for forgiveness and beg him to let me see you again …maybe I can stay a little longer next time…and we can talk…on our dream couch…

What a bastard I must be…

In this awake place.

August 31, 2016 3

Spread My Filth!!!

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Spread My Filth!!!

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Spread My Filth!!!

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