Consistently Loopy

Wow….

I’m telling you what….

If you don’t post everyday or drop a line or opinion everyday, your WordPress fans go away. Not that I had any really but, dang, I have to work for a living and do other important grown up stuff.

I wish I could write everyday…….or come up with something interesting, provocative or controversial or entertaining at a moments notice for my “audiences” viewing pleasure but, I’m only a hack writer and somewhat of a weirdo and have absolutely no talent or unbroken attention span.wp-1460852779979.jpg

IMHO….

I like making stuff up or exaggerating about a life event; mine or someone else’s?

Ok, I lie.

I don’t really like writing or giving an opinion on politics; especially not in today’s world , nor in this current partisan mood.

Twitter will KILL me!

It seems like the older I get the more I am concerned with the world around me and the future of my species.

Does it you?

Why should I worry about that, anyhow?

Is it because I have kids and grandkids?/

Is it because I want them to have a peaceful and fruitful life and a beautiful world? /

Of course, I do.

I’m not a freaking monster.

Would I worry about the world after I’m dead if I had, had no progeny?

I’d like to think I would but, unfortunately I am anti-social with borderline personality disorder and am completely self absorbed, so….fuck’em.

wp-1460853381672.jpgThe same thing goes for my opinion on religion/s.

I am what you would call….non-commital.

I believe that organized religion is corrupt in God’s eyes.

I believe that God still talks to man but no one knows it.

I believe that Jesus was the literal son of God, just as we all are.

I believe that there have been many men and women that have been “touched” by the finger of God and have taught many many essential truths.

Sorry, my train of thought just derailed….

I am becoming more jaded, the older I get.

The more I put my opinions or thoughts down on the screen and reread them, I ponder my words and come to the startling summation that I am either crazier than hell, a grumpy old man or a normal Joe Schmoe…..

That’s probably the scariest thought….am I actually normal?

No, that’s crazy, I know I’m batshit.

I have to be. I can’t be normal!

That would ruin my whole deal if I was normal!

I’ve been under the self diagnosed assumption that I am crazy, off kilter, a dysfunctional unit, a piñata that’s full of shit.wpid-image-29776397883-picsay.png

If I’m normal, I am going to be very disappointed in God when I see him.

If he tells me that I was the only normal man on earth, after everything single mean thought I’ve ever had, shoplifted piece of candy, cruel or biased judgmental observation, every dirty sex thought(I’m a freaking pervert, I swear) or any bad thing that has flashed thru my drug and or alcohol addled mind at the moment, I’ll kill myself…again.

Right there, in front of God, I will blow my freaking brains out.

I can’t be normal, I just can’t!

All of the excuses I’ve ever had won’t be worth a shit!

Ok, that train of thought complete, let’s continue: shall we?

I know I’m crazy.

I’ve read up on it!

I fit like 4 different patterns of mental illness!wpid-wp-1435676014160.jpeg

I don’t like talking about politics because I hate hypocrisy and everyone else’s opinion is bullshit.

Same goes for religion….

I am what I am.

I am spiritual.

I am bi-partisan.

I love my country but believe national borders are wrong.

I also believe there are evil people and that hard, unpopular decisions must be made to protect the innocent and meek among us; to protect freedom of will, choice and worship.

I believe that our way of life hangs in the balance, as it has for generations upon generations.

I believe that we are not alone in this universe.

It’s illogical….and arrogant

The place is just too big, and its still growing.

Change does that.

Evolution does that.wpid-fb_img_1426357030484.jpg

Innovation, prosperity, war and famine….does that.

We used to throw rocks at the moon and some people on this earth still make huts out of cow shit so, there….

How’s that high horse riding, now?

Our planet, to the best of our limited knowledge based on rules, guidelines and words created by fallible men, is said to be 4 billion years old.

Oh, words are hissing noises or guttural noises and we have spelling bees….

This world does not need us, we need it.

I know that I am nothing.

I know that I am everything.

I know that I am a miracle of evolutionary progress and I used to pee in my pants.

I know that change never ends.

images (2)There will be others after us…

Just imagine.

I believe that it is the doom of man that we forget

…….and I can’t remember shit.

Thx for wasting time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dying Rain

rain5
The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.

….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

rain3

She did it to herself…. 

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..seems like yesterday. 

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober. 

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

rain7

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I won’t weep…..she did it to herself; selfish bitch. 

I’m not going to cry…not now at least. 

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared

.rain4

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God…. 

Oh so still…..

God? Where is God now? 

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself. 

I hate her. 

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….dream9

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

 (I hate you for dying) 

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

(You did this to yourself) 

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

This could have been avoided.

So easy… 

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….I won’t! 

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!) 

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets her…no matter.

 I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

rain1

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

(Why….?) 

Richard…Adios

I am tweeking an earlier post in tribute to my wifes brother, Richard Peoples, who recently passed…

Get along little doggie….
The Dying Rain
rain5

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my brothers backyard garden.

I was holding his frail hand, the one with his “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

He always laughed like hell, when he’d told me that he could kill a plastic plant…no problem.

I’ve seen it happen.

But now his eyes were closed, his breath labored.

….. today was a good day for him, considering everything….

He may have been asleep but, his fingers gripped mine as hard as he could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding his hand at all, as weak as he was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from one of the strongest people you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass, it seems….

I laced my fingers thru his, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of his hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing him….he’s been here all my life

My big brother, bestest in the whole world, is dying………Dying! Like a normal people!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass305210_196108410454706_7851455_n

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together, times apart….

Too much time spent apart, life getting in the way and all that

I have done this more than usual lately….regret

months…..years….?

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I look at his face as he sleeps….if you can call dying sleep.

He’s so handsome……..even now.

My big brother is fading….rain7

The sun is leaving his eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament his window…..

I won’t weep…..

Not now at least, he gets upset when I cry.

I sit there holding my brothers big old hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees….

In my heart of hearts, I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There is only laughter, joy……family.

There is only skinned knees, gum in my hair; friends and family we grew up with….

20150318_131303-picsay[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel him stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves him.

His eyes are open and I follow his hooded gaze.

He is looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across his face…..

Richard is quiet….Still.

Oh, so still…..

I notice a small tear is running down my big brothers pale cheek and across his dry lips…

I reach up and wipe his tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I am alive.

Richard grabs my hand and presses it to his lips and then….he drops my hand with a tired sigh.

Richard turns his face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of his tear….

He gives me that shit eating grin of his and turns back to the storm outside his window.

“Will you do me a favor?” he asks in his Cajun drawl; a weak voice now; the stormy sky reflecting in his dimming, big brother eyes.

14671194_620229691471769_6886331719480919208_n“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

Richard squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, his gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” He says.

My face softens, I will not cry….

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing his to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze hard.

Richard lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

He turns his face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

My brother says quietly, almost a whisper, he says “Think of me when it rains….”rain6

I cannot cry in front of him….

I will not….

My big brother is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

His eyes are closed now…

His fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…weird” he whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for remaining here on this earth, for staying alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing he would hear from my lips.

No God….not Richard….

Not my brother….

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

He…..

Richard dropped my hand.

His heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

My big brother has gone away from me, into the storm….

He lives where lightning is born….

He has all the answers now….rain8

Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

But, I think it still upsets him

…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, he will be here with me.

He will watch my children grow.

He will watch all the children find best friends, be with our family.

It is time for me to weep for my big burly guy…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of him?

I can already hear his voice in my head…

“Cry baby” he’d say….

I smile….

rain1It’s true….

Richard’s here…..right now.

As long as earth lasts forever, He’s alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of him….

My big brother is gone, until it rains.

Things To Ponder

If I reach one person, it will be worth it.

One talks to one…

“Oh, I read something the other day that got me thinking”

One+One = change

……eventually….

….hopefully…

Sit down.

Close your eyes and breathe.

Forget about the world and get into your own head.

Now….

Why is there war?

Why is there hate?

Why are there borders and fences?

Why do we hate the person that cut us off in traffic?

Why is there racism?

Have you ever really listened to the night?

How have we survived as a species this long?

Why …..?

Just why.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Do you know why I know there is no God?

Because every God created by man has never been this patient.

Zeus, Krishna, Yahweh, Appollo, Odin, Allah,  yada yada yada…pffffft

Have you ever really looked at a flower?

A God, to my understanding of what a God should be, is not here.

We are on our own and we’re killing ourselves.

Nothing is forever.

All things change.

Death is inevitable.

Tomorrow is not real.

Our moral compass will not fail but, our ego can drown it out.

Ignorance is the greatest enemy.

Everyone knows this.

Have you ever really looked at a human and how miraculous they are?

It is the doom of man that we forget.

My thought?

We never had a clue.

Save us from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered where it all went wrong?

Me either.

But, I am now.

There are too many humans on this earth and “God” knows it.

So does all the other Gods, plus Mother Nature  also knows.

The balance is wrong…

Just a matter of time

 

 

 

 

 

Understand?

Disclaimer: I am newly, 52 years old and I may be experiencing a mid-life thingy. I won’t call it a crisis because I’m not IN crisis.

Or, maybe that’s what the crisis wants me to think….

Stay back, paranoia!!

So, please forgive me if my blog may tend to wander thru mysticism, spirituality, religion, agnosticism, politics, the benefits of the mushroom in the worship of a great white buffalo or waiting on that UFO that dropped our ‘first parents’ off here, thousands OR millions of years ago; depending on your familial school of thought or how you’re particular faith-based group in your neighborhood led you to believe, in a botched attempt to grow a new food source that was stupid and got fat easily….kinda like cows.

I believe that an unseen deity put our first progenitors on this earth, naked…in a perfect garden and told them….BEHAVE.

Not even God is that stupid.

Oh, plus the fact that we’re in a scientifically proven and individually, visually confirmed huge ass galaxy that is surrounded by other, quoting Carl Sagan “Billions and billions of galaxies” end partial quote.

Follow this next thought with me….

If God was an actual scientist; and I believe that all evidence, that we naked apes are capable of understanding point to the fact that, He/She/I Am does occasionally dabble in the sciences.

If “God” wanted to create an experiment where he has access to unlimited material, unlimited time, unlimited knowledge, unlimited space and NO bosses or alphabetized federal agency looking over his shoulder, do you actually believe that he would only have ONE species as his primary focus? Even I, in my sadly, limited and Google accessible scientific prowess know that there is always a control group in ANY experiment.

…several control groups.

Oh lord, I can hear the Jesus, Mohammed freaks now…

“God doesn’t need a control group! He’s GOD!!”

Calm down! Stay back , I’m on your side!

(Sound of whip cracking and animals roaring)

STAY BACK, DAMN YOU!!!

Hell, here I go:

We don’t know if we are even the first attempt in this experiment…

We may not even be the initial, hopefully anticipated outcome of the experiment.

We may be a control group that is going bat shit and has been set aside on a shelf, checked every few million years for any change, be it progressive or regressive, the results recorded and noted for reevaluation at a later date.

(God in a lab coat, shaking his head, scribbles on his clipboard)

“Hmmmmm, not good” he says “Not good at all” then….he starts erasing…..

I think the great flood in the Bible was actually a heavenly lab attendant attempting to wash us out of a petri dish and God stopping him at the last-minute….

Ooooo…I think I’ll start a church.

Anywho, let me get back to my point (Man that’s some wicked coffee)

Mankind is arrogant.

Mankind is superficial, greedy, violent, narcissistic  and collectively insane…

Let me quote Eckhart Tolle:

The collective manifestations of the insanity that lies at the heart of the human condition constitute the greater part of human history. It is to a large extent a history of madness. If the history of humanity were the clinical case history of a single human being, the diagnosis would have to be: chronic paranoid delusions, a pathological propensity to commit murder and acts of extreme violence and cruelty against his perceived “enemies”—his own unconsciousness projected outward. Criminally insane, with a few brief lucid intervals.” – A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

But, then someone on this earth goes and does something selfless, beautiful and charitable….

Showing hope. Showing progress. Showing potential.

There is nothing more that the present moment in this existence.

The past is past; let it guide you, not define you; “It is in the nature of things that joy arises in a person free from remorse.” – Buddha

There is no future, only dreaming of one.

Tomorrow is optimism OR pessimism….depending on your mood but, tomorrow never really comes….

We are living moment to moment; because I know that, every one of us, have heard the saying “Man plans, God laughs his ass off” Well, maybe not exactly….that way…

Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.
― Louis L’Amour

Jesus said, in the New International version of the Bible (translation attempt 554); according to Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Buddha also reportedly said “Ardently do today what must be done. Who knows? Tomorrow, death comes.”

That’s not being morbid, that’s fact…

We.Do.Not.Know…so why keep acting like we do?

If you have so much faith in a God, you’re supposed to let him handle everything, TRUST IN HIM.

How can people “faithfully” do that and worry about a tomorrow?

Another thing; how can you believe “faithfully” in forgiveness when you let the mistakes in your past affect you in the present moment and for that matter or allow people in your life to remind you of your past mistakes?

People that do that are the worst kind of ugly scar.

“God” is in us all.

“God” cannot be described

“God” is “I AM”

Think about that for a second….

Why would he say that?

How many times do we say that a day, “I AM”?

Are we comparing ourselves to “God” are we blaspheming or are we reaffirming our innate knowledge that we and God are one and the same?

“I AM Trey”

“I AM here”

“I AM doing something”

“I AM your friend”

“…..I AM listening”

Wow….I love exploration and self discovery.

I love traveling thru my mind…..

I just thought of something else….I know nothing, Jon Snow…

When I am typing and farting around on my humble blog, I am not thinking…..

I am just….being present……being here, at this moment.

By the time I wonder “What will the next moment bring?” I have already passed thru “that moment”

Hard to explain…

I’m sorry, I know I’m going on and on about drivel but, I just wanted to share my mid-life situation with y’all this morning.

I’ll leave you with this; and it’s true

If you only think about what you are doing right now, you have no capacity to worry.

Think about THAT

“Treat everyone you meet as if they were you.”
― Doug Dillon

“Do it now, then….?” – Trey (that’s me)

“If you are depressed, you are living in the Past. If you are anxious, living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment.” – Lao Tzu

PS: We have had so many wonderful, enlightened teachers throughout history and we still don’t learn….

 

 

 

 

 

I Want My Family Back

You know what’s cool about Facebook?

image

Other than the Find Jesus, find money meme’s….thats obvious.

Even though you have family members that despise you for things that supposedly happened over 35 years ago in some instances and 25+ years in others, you can still wiggle through the Facebook jungle and see pictures of them and your nieces, nephews, cousins and grandkids.

Makes me not so lonely, sometimes, you know?

Kinda, love’em on the sly….
Keep it on the DL….

The lonely spy, am I.

image
LB & Baby

It’s amazing; forgiveness, I mean.
I can have it but, no one else can.

Weird how that works in the Bible but, not real life families.

Once a monster, always a monster, I suppose.

image

The not-so funny part is that I haven’t seen some of these people or tried to bother them in over 15 years!

Ever since I left after my dad’s funeral.

I know what I was all those years ago.

I don’t need constant reminders. I have, me to remind me…

Sometimes, I just wish I’d shut the fuck up.

Trust me on this!

Ha! I even told them that I’d kill myself if they’d just forgive me for ANYTHING!!

I still throw out feelers, you know, just in case there’s a chance I can be part of a family again.

I can dream.

image

I don’t even get the disappointment of being properly rejected; only silence.

I am not the same person I was in my dark years.

“Pick a flower and forget me not”

(Their response) “Oh, poor, poor Trey, so put upon, so mistreated, so unfairly judged, it’s everybody’s fault but his, he never did anything!)

Never fails….

Problem is that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!

Really, I don’t.
Probably all the drugs and alcohol….

Now, don’t you think that If I was the insensitive monster they all believe me to be, then why did I stumble thru years, drunk off my ass, sleeping in dumpsters, gutters and homeless shelters!?

If I didn’t care or have remorse for anything then why would I be living like that?

It shouldn’t have bothered the monster, right?

image
Mom, Dad, Uncles David and Chris

“Oh, you were just feeling sorry for yourself” 

Oh, yeah. I was. You betcha…

That’s the worst possible thing; feeling sorry for yourself and being out of control.

I wouldn’t exactly call it a life between 1993 and 2009….

It was a fucking nightmare, dude. I shit you not.

In hell; on earth. Sux

image

I’ve done my time in the prisons of your minds.

Your hate and contempt has gotten old.

It’s rotting my soul..

Forgive me, once and for all and let’s have love, instead.

If you wanna get to know your family member again, I’m all heart!

Dying for a chance.

I’m a helluva guy now, you know?

First! Jesus freak disclaimer:

I forgive you if you can’t bring yourself to change your attitude or change your conditioned mindsets.

image

Y’all have kept taking this poison for a long time.

Second nature, so to say.

I know it’s hard, believe me.

It took me a long time too.

Hopefully, one day, you will be free of your burden, because it is a burden. Justified or not.

I am free of it, myself.

If you forgive fast, make IT the second nature, you’ll be the better for it.

If you forgive anyone, I don’t expect it, in all reality, to be forgotten.

Just knock the stink off of it and carry on….

I guess it doesn’t really matter if you forgive me. It’s been this way a long long time.

It’d be nice and wonderful and all that….but;

My love for y’all is greater than your hate, so if you wanna go on hating, go ahead.

I’ll love you forever just to piss you off.

Oh, and on a personal note; if the world starts coming to an end and you have nowhere else to run…

Come to me.

image

I will feed you and protect you.

Or, I will die trying.

Do you know why?

Because, I have always loved you even when I couldn’t see or hear you.

We’ve lost enough.

image

The Dying Rain: 2016

To busymindthinking: Memorial Day 2016 is coming…

You told me a story once….and it touched me….

I have to pay tribute to this much too shortened friendship.

It’s amazing how things can move you….isn’t it?

What’s the point of life if we can’t be moved by others experiences.

Without movement, we go stale.

I think of her now, when it rains.

The Dying Rainrain5

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, the one with her “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, her breath labored.

….. today was a good day for her, considering basically everything in her body turning against itself.

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass.

I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

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[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the rainy panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into a time; thinking of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

Six months…..

It’s slipping away.

Too fast…

…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I look at her face as she sleeps….

She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

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The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornamenting her window…..mirroring my heart.

I won’t weep…..

Not now at least; she gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees, a little.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining there.

There is only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

There is only skinned knees, gum in our hair and boyfriends we shared.

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[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow her hooded gaze.

She is looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….Still.

Oh so still…..

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

I feel guilty that I am alive.

She tugs on my hand and lingeringly presses it to her lips….she drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

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I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My heart stops. I will not cry….

No, not yet. I’m not ready

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze hard. She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

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I cannot cry in front of her….

I will not….

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….

“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt anymore…” she whispers.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like an asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God! Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

She lives where lightning is born….

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Our joined lives continue as memory….

I guess I can cry now….

No, I can’t…. I think it still upsets her…no matter.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

She will watch our children grow.

She will watch our children become best friends.

One day, at the worst possible moment, It will be time for me weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I can already hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

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It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

She is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….

Denial is Not A River

I keep trying and trying to deny God…..
and I don’t know why.

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Denial….

It’s all I have left that is truly mine.

Do you think it’d be easier not knowing about God?

But, I can’t….not….know.

Childhood brainwashing, you say?

If I WAS brainwashed about God as a child, they did a really, really good job of it.

My grandmother must’ve been a psychologically, manipulating expert, CIA operative.

Should I believe, or not?

What can it hurt?

Maybe, nothing…
Maybe, everything…..

Why does it and has it kept mattering so much to me for my whole freaking life?

I do not hate God, he has his good and bad points, that we create; as needed.

But, I do question his intent, his existence, his reasons for what he allows to happen “down here” I mean, don’t we all….sometimes wonder, why?

He gave me freedom to use my free will, right? So, I’m using it.

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Does God want us to be sheep?

If he was that much of a narcissist and worship hungry, power freak as many people say, wouldn’t we be MORE like real sheep?

What was the point of him creating us just to destroy us?

A big boy with a magnifying lens?
A Lego master?
An OCD dominoes stacking champ?

A God that threw up his hands 2 thousand years ago and said “Fuck it”; leaving us unattended and alone?

New thought…

Do you think Peter and Jesus used to lay under the stars at night and just, talk?

Do you think Peter saw the look on Jesus’ face when he denied him?

Do you think Jesus was scared when he heard he was to be crucified?

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Why didn’t Peter deny Jesus in Rome, before they nailed him to his own cross, in hopes to save his own life?

I mean, Jesus had been gone a long time by then, right?

I mean, Jesus forgave Peter last time he denied him, right and even made him his “Rock”

What would Jesus do if he’d been a real person and people were trying to kill him?

If I’d been, Jesus?

I’d have fled. I’d have hidden.

These crazy fucking people are talking about nailing me to a fucking tree!

But, you had to stay….

You had to save the world, forever.

You have one chance to make a real difference.

I don’t think I love anyone that much, when reality hits; like a nail thru flesh and bone.

Peter wasn’t going to deny Jesus a 4th time and didn’t….whether it cost him his life or not; and, it did.

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He HAD SEEN the look on Jesus’ face.

Do you think that Peter and Jesus used to sit across from each other in the bottom of a Galilean fishing boat and just, talk; their backs against the gunnels, the burning sun beating down on their bare heads and shoulders; listening to the gulls overhead, the water lapping against the sides, the creaking of the masts; talking about, I don’t know….Crucifixion?

Or, do you think they just talked about their lives?

Maybe Jesus laughed at a story Peter told him….or Jesus   poked Peter when he started to snore…

Do you think Jesus could’ve stopped the whole sequence of events to come?

Do you think he was scared when they laid him on the cross?

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Why didn’t Peter deny Jesus a 4th time, to save his own life?

That’s a sticking point for me.

That’s one of the reasons I believe in Christ and his calling of Peter to “Feed my sheep”

Because Peter heard Jesus’ calling, stepped out of a boat and walked on water….

What would you do if a friend of yours was walking on water and told you to come to him or her?

……righhttt.

Peter saw him feed 5000 people with a bowl of fish and dinner rolls….and many more times.

He witnessed him heal
thousands, teach thousands; saw him do incredible, undeniable, God-like miracles…

Then, he denied him…3 times. Fact.

Saw Jesus tried before Pilate, maybe.

Saw Jesus beaten and scourged, maybe.

Saw the Christ, the son of Man, the Word made flesh, nailed to a tree….

…..maybe?

Or, did he?

Was Peter at the trial, the chastisement, the crucifixion?

No one says for sure…

Was Peter hiding?

Was Peter scared?

Do you think Peter was scared when he was being laid on his very own cross?

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Do you think he mused to himself “Well, this is ironic” before the nails were driven home?

“If you deny your Christ and your church, we will spare you”

“Crucify me”

Then he denied him….no more.

I wonder how long it took Peter to die….

Do you think he had forgiven himself for denying Jesus or was he paying it forward, hoping that his death would make him square with the Christ?

I mean, Peter was just a man, after all; right?

Well, so was Jesus.

This is why I can’t deny him.

Because, I know he was real, you see?

He is, real.

Thx for reading

Craftsman

I am a Jack of all Trades and master of some.

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Let me see….
(counting fingers)

I am a liar.no

I’m really, super good at it.

My lies actually become true thru the sheer power of my will and the urgency of the situation that the lie cloaks.

I can form a lie faster than a human eye can blink. At least measured by other people’s eyes blink time; my eyes won’t budge. I’ll look you straight in the eye and smile as I baffle you with bullshit.

I believe my own lies and that’s saying something, because as a general rule, I hate liars. I can’t stand to be lied to.

I can smell a liar coming from a mile away; except in my case. I hardly ever pass myself on the street and if I did I’d probably cross over to the other side of the road because I’d hate anyone to see me and I might know me.

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How embarrassing…

Let’s see….

I am a hypocrite.

I’m really, super good at it.

The world’s greatest, most sound advice comes from the world’s most repentant, guilt ridden, incorrigible, hopeless hypocrite.

I give excellent advice. I will never steer you wrong.

Of course, I won’t follow my own advice and I’ll criticize you, no matter what you decide.

Let’s see…

I am a judge.

I’m really, super good at it.

I do not need evidence or proof to judge you. All I need to do is look at you.

Quicker than your bounced check comes back, I can tell you’re on food stamps, behind on your rent, unemployed, half Mexican or nigger or something not quite white, ain’t got no car and you’re probably stupid as Hell, too.

Like I said….

I’m really, super good at being a jury, too.

I’m a bargain Jack of all Trades….

Let’s see….I’m great at so many things….its tough to rate me.

Let me see..

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Oh, almost missed the biggie…

I’m a sinner.

I’m really, really super good at that.

This trade takes absolutely no effort on my part; it just happens.

I was born a prodigy in this trade.

I have talent, I have scary, scary ability.

My sins have sins. My sin is my own.

My sin is the only trade I have that is self sustaining and prolifically regenerative.

A mind of its own.

I repent and my sin laughs.

I pray and my sin laughs.

I confess and my sin laughs.

I forsake my sins and covenant to never sin again; I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME…. and my sins mock me.

I’m really, super good at sin.

Years of experience.

Where is Jesus when I need him?

Oh…

I didn’t see him hanging there.

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