2nd Resteps…

This week I am anti-religion and I left my wife.

Plus, I ate a piece of white bread despite my dubious diabetes diagnosis…

And, its only Wednesday.

The First, Real Step…

Over and over, throughout my life I have “started” again.

Tomorrow is the first day of my life; so it goes.

I am tired of starting over.

I am tired of failing in things that I believe are important but seems to turn out, not important enough for me to follow thru on.

Lets bring us all up to date, shall I?

I joined the LDS church when I was 1 month shy of my 20th birthday.

I have been battling with it ever since.

I am now, 54.

35 freaking years….

I have had my “stalwart” phases and my “apostate” phases.

I have been diligent in tithing, the Word of Wisdom, temple recommends, church callings…etc., and so forth.

At times.

And….I am an alcoholic; well, a dormant alcoholic.

I’m no where as bad or prolific as I once was….and in the words of my childhood evangelical baptist upbringing “THANK YA JESUS, CAN I GET AN AMEN?”

I have denied the existence of God.

I have reasoned out the impossibility of Christ actually being the really real son of God.

I have thought Joseph Smith was deceived by either demons or aliens during the First Vision.

I have also stood in the Sacred Grove and cried like a baby.

Unworthy in the Sacred Grove

That was just last year…..smh.

It is always a battle and I am tired of it.

Why can’t I submit or make a decision or whatever….shit or get off the pot?

Why can’t I be what I want to be….?

I want to be what I believe worthy should be.

But, my main problem is; is that I’m weak.

I have no concept of how people can live their entire lives as a devout and shining example of what a Christlike person should be.

Blows my mind.

Not just LDS…any faith for that matter….

There are devout followers of all kinds of Gods around the world.

It doesn’t matter to me what a person believes as long as it makes them happy; doesn’t hurt, persecute, discriminate or wrongly deceive the ignorant and/or innocent.

I just choose to believe in the Christian ideal and I believe in what the LDS church teaches.

I do not care if you agree with me but, I want you to understand me.

Love me for who I am.

See, I can stand on a soap box, just fine.

I can also drink myself into a stupor and deny God.

****************

I haven’t drank for a long time but, I think about it everyday.

I haven’t been to church in a long time but, I think about it everyday.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve quit wearing my garments (mythical Mormon underwear) because I either didn’t feel worthy at the time or I thought they were stupid….

I can’t tell you how many times I have put all of my church stuff in storage; my Book of Mormon, my Bible, My records…patriarchal blessing, blah blah blah…..for the same reasons as above.

I got tired of looking at them.

They got on my nerves.

Always laying around, judging me.

But, inexplicably, I have not or will not throw them away.

For some reason, I keep them and I don’t know why.

Because I know I’ll go back to being…..worthy?

That I’ll keep fruitlessly, at least in my mind, attempting to be the LDS man that I want to be?

You know what?

My wife isn’t even LDS.

She’s Pentecostal.

Her dad was a preacher in that church and she absolutely does not believe in what I believe and that’s cool with me.

I do not care if she believes me.

I never give it a thought what she believes; not once. I could honestly care less.

I’m just glad she believes in God and likes me regardless of my membership in an evil “cult”….smh

I fight and fight and fight.

As you can tell I use this blog as a way to work thru stuff and I continuously keep trying and trying to……convince myself? Probably like a lot of you reading this.

So dang frustrating, I swear.

Well, I’m gonna cut this short because I’m kind of at work and I keep drifting into deeper thought (we LDS call this phenomenon “pondering”)

Deeper introspections to the point that I lose my chain of thought.

I have said this so many times in some of my earlier posts “Saints are sinners that never quit trying”

I feel like a failure, a terrible person.

I know that I try but not good or hard enough. I do not sacrifice.

I am the worst kind of “natural man”

I swear this is gonna drive me further insane.

I can see it now “Man dies from religious torment”

I may be going insane; they always say people start getting religiously delusional as they slip closer into the white jacket with 8′ sleeves that tie in the back club

Back to, the cutting it short thing….

Battle, battle, battle.

I’m gonna keep on trying, I guess.

There is something to this or else I would have totally blown it off YEARS AGO.

This is the only thing in my life that has lingered or kept my interests for so long.

I know this because I’m slightly narcissistic and self absorbed..I lose interest VERY QUICKLY.

Anywho, thx for reading.

I’m sorry I said a dirty word but, it’s only a word.

I’ll write more, I swear.

“I am a traveler that will not stay on the path”

Today, Yuma

It is nice this morning.

Even though I’m sitting in a truck stop in Yuma, Az and typing this on my iPad mini 4 that never fails to remind me that I have fat fingers.

I……however, do NOT have fat finger

They’re merely clumsy.

I hate being on a diet.

Just wanted to get that out there.

I like gluttony.

It’s my right as an American.

I can have as much Diabetes as I want.

Cool part is, I can personalize it to fit my needs.

Besides, I like taking medicine everyday, twice a day, 7 days a week.

Well, at least I don’t smoke or drink anymore.

No, I’m serious. I don’t.

I’m gonna admit something to y’all….

Ive kinda disregarded , nay, I have ignored my blog this past year.

I was…..distracted.

Sometimes life gets in the way of living.

So, Ive decided to make changes in my approach to said blog to help keep me stay interested and involved.

“Note to self: Read. Other. Blogs” Quid pro quo.

I want to talk about my being a Mormon.

I do not qualify as your typical, per say, cookie-cutter Mormon.

I am a convert to the church. Nigh on 34 years this August.

I am a terrible example of a Mormon.

I am a terrible representative for the church.

I believe I’m a dormant alcoholic.

I’ve taken drugs (years ago) but never had to steal, rob or murder to get them.

Although, I was big with the pawn shops….

I smoked.

Stupidest, freaking 5 years of my life.

I’m divorced 3 times, married now. (To a non-Mormon who is also the daughter of a southern Pentecostal minister)

But nowadays herebout, I try to be a good Mormon and that’s what counts in the long run, I reckon.

Endure to the end. (Fave Mormon quote)

I’m not gonna go thru a lot of theology and crap like that.

And I’m not gonna preach and I’m not gonna try and convert anyone.

I will be the Mormon that answers your questions about what it’s really like in our “cult”

Of course, I can’t tell you everything because I don’t know everything.

I know just enough to get beat up by a mob.

I was worthy enough to know at one time but “All men have fallen short…” and all that mess.

You understand, don’t you?

I keep screwing up.

So, if you wanna know something that I might know, just ask. I’ll be honest.

But, don’t be hateful or rude.

I’m very much a cry baby and my feelings get hurt easily.

Maybe, I’m just getting old.

Ok…TTYL

Consistently Loopy

Wow….

I’m telling you what….

If you don’t post everyday or drop a line or opinion everyday, your WordPress fans go away. Not that I had any really but, dang, I have to work for a living and do other important grown up stuff.

I wish I could write everyday…….or come up with something interesting, provocative or controversial or entertaining at a moments notice for my “audiences” viewing pleasure but, I’m only a hack writer and somewhat of a weirdo and have absolutely no talent or unbroken attention span.wp-1460852779979.jpg

IMHO….

I like making stuff up or exaggerating about a life event; mine or someone else’s?

Ok, I lie.

I don’t really like writing or giving an opinion on politics; especially not in today’s world , nor in this current partisan mood.

Twitter will KILL me!

It seems like the older I get the more I am concerned with the world around me and the future of my species.

Does it you?

Why should I worry about that, anyhow?

Is it because I have kids and grandkids?/

Is it because I want them to have a peaceful and fruitful life and a beautiful world? /

Of course, I do.

I’m not a freaking monster.

Would I worry about the world after I’m dead if I had, had no progeny?

I’d like to think I would but, unfortunately I am anti-social with borderline personality disorder and am completely self absorbed, so….fuck’em.

wp-1460853381672.jpgThe same thing goes for my opinion on religion/s.

I am what you would call….non-commital.

I believe that organized religion is corrupt in God’s eyes.

I believe that God still talks to man but no one knows it.

I believe that Jesus was the literal son of God, just as we all are.

I believe that there have been many men and women that have been “touched” by the finger of God and have taught many many essential truths.

Sorry, my train of thought just derailed….

I am becoming more jaded, the older I get.

The more I put my opinions or thoughts down on the screen and reread them, I ponder my words and come to the startling summation that I am either crazier than hell, a grumpy old man or a normal Joe Schmoe…..

That’s probably the scariest thought….am I actually normal?

No, that’s crazy, I know I’m batshit.

I have to be. I can’t be normal!

That would ruin my whole deal if I was normal!

I’ve been under the self diagnosed assumption that I am crazy, off kilter, a dysfunctional unit, a piñata that’s full of shit.wpid-image-29776397883-picsay.png

If I’m normal, I am going to be very disappointed in God when I see him.

If he tells me that I was the only normal man on earth, after everything single mean thought I’ve ever had, shoplifted piece of candy, cruel or biased judgmental observation, every dirty sex thought(I’m a freaking pervert, I swear) or any bad thing that has flashed thru my drug and or alcohol addled mind at the moment, I’ll kill myself…again.

Right there, in front of God, I will blow my freaking brains out.

I can’t be normal, I just can’t!

All of the excuses I’ve ever had won’t be worth a shit!

Ok, that train of thought complete, let’s continue: shall we?

I know I’m crazy.

I’ve read up on it!

I fit like 4 different patterns of mental illness!wpid-wp-1435676014160.jpeg

I don’t like talking about politics because I hate hypocrisy and everyone else’s opinion is bullshit.

Same goes for religion….

I am what I am.

I am spiritual.

I am bi-partisan.

I love my country but believe national borders are wrong.

I also believe there are evil people and that hard, unpopular decisions must be made to protect the innocent and meek among us; to protect freedom of will, choice and worship.

I believe that our way of life hangs in the balance, as it has for generations upon generations.

I believe that we are not alone in this universe.

It’s illogical….and arrogant

The place is just too big, and its still growing.

Change does that.

Evolution does that.wpid-fb_img_1426357030484.jpg

Innovation, prosperity, war and famine….does that.

We used to throw rocks at the moon and some people on this earth still make huts out of cow shit so, there….

How’s that high horse riding, now?

Our planet, to the best of our limited knowledge based on rules, guidelines and words created by fallible men, is said to be 4 billion years old.

Oh, words are hissing noises or guttural noises and we have spelling bees….

This world does not need us, we need it.

I know that I am nothing.

I know that I am everything.

I know that I am a miracle of evolutionary progress and I used to pee in my pants.

I know that change never ends.

images (2)There will be others after us…

Just imagine.

I believe that it is the doom of man that we forget

…….and I can’t remember shit.

Thx for wasting time with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sober Rain

Maybe this can help…someone.

rain2

The rain began to patter on the window that looked out over my best friend’s small garden.

I was holding her frail hand, you know, the one with her so called “green thumb”.

I smile at this…

She always giggled when she told me that she could kill a plastic plant…

I’ve seen it happen.

But now her eyes were closed, hardly able to breathe….

….. today was a good day for her though, considering everything….

She may have been asleep but, her fingers gripped mine as hard as she could squeeze.

I could barely tell I was holding her hand at all, as weak as she was.

It’s so painful, beyond belief really, to try and imagine strength draining away from the strongest person you have ever known.
….like sand in an hourglass.

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I laced my fingers thru hers, gripping them a little harder, tracing the veins on the back of her hand with my other fingers.

I can’t believe I’m losing her….

My bestest friend in the whole world is dying………Dying!

[RUMBLE]

I can hear the thunder in the distance, the rain coming and going, the branches of the trees scraping lightly across the panes of glass

In the storm graying light of the small bedroom I turn back into time to think of our lives together.

I have done this more than usual lately….

rain3

Six months…..seems like yesterday.

It’s been years, really….

Too fast…
…..Way too damn fast.

Doesn’t it seem weird that when you are about to lose someone close to your heart, a piece of your very soul, that we start to reflect on our memories of them more, as if though trying to burn them deeper into our hearts and minds….

It’s as if though we are afraid that we might forget something important….forget them?

I remember when she was sober.

I look at her face as she sleeps….
She’s so beautiful……..even now.

My flower is fading….

The sun is leaving her eyes.

The rain reminds me that I must not cry……

rain7

Cloud tears trickle down, the beads of sky diamonds ornament her window…..

I’m not going to cry…not now at least.

She gets upset when I cry.

I sit there, holding my friends tiny hand, staring out the jeweled window as the storm drums the shutters.

The lightning is bright, the thunder is closer….the rain, more insistent…..

I can smell the trees.

I begin the stroll down our memory lane; it isn’t raining here.

There was only laughter, joy and our high school prom.

(I got to first base….ha ha…slut…ha ha)

Seems like forever ago…

There was only skinned knees, gum in our hair and friends we shared.

It was all a dream.

images (1)

It couldn’t have been real.

It was all….too perfect.

[RUMBLE]

I am brought back from my breaking heart to the bedside when I feel her stir under the blankets….

The thunder moves her.

Her eyes are open and I follow my dying friends hooded gaze.

She’s looking out the window, watching the storm.

Shadows of the window panes, rain drops and lightning dance across her face…..

She is quiet….

Dying sober, thank God….

Oh so still…..

God? Where have you been….”God”?

images (8)

I notice a small tear is running down her pale cheek and across her dry lips…

She did it all to herself.

(Drunk bitch)
I fucking hate her.

I reach up and wipe the tear away with my finger.

All of a sudden, I feel guilty that I’m alive.

She grabs my hand and presses it to her lips and then drops my hand with a tired sigh.

She turns her face toward me….

I raise my finger to my lips and kiss what’s left of her tear….

She gives me that shy grin of hers and turns back to the storm.

“Will you do me a favor?” she asks in her beautiful, weak voice; the stormy sky reflecting in her dimming, pretty eyes.

“I don’t know” I say “I’m kinda busy” I grin.
(I hate you for dying)

fb_img_1450528313084.jpg

She squeezes my hand again before turning to look at me, her gaze imploring.

“I’m serious” She says.

My face softens, I will not cry….
(You did this to yourself, all you had to do was say something)

[RUMBLLLLLLLE]

“You bet” I whisper, both my hands pressing hers to show my promise.

I can’t squeeze her hand too hard…..

She lives very close to pain that I can’t imagine.
(This could have been avoided)

So easy to avoid….(It’s my fault)

She turns her face back toward the window as the rain dances across the roof, the thunder making the panes tremble….

She says “Think of me when it rains….”

I cannot cry in front of her….

man-screaming

I will not….I won’t!

My best friend in life is slipping away like a dream, like water thru my fingers….
“I hope it rains forever” I say….

Her eyes are closed now…

Her fingers relax in mine….

“It doesn’t hurt…” she whispers….”weird” she breathes.

I thank God for this small answer to my anguished prayers….and I curse him.
(This is all your fault, you ASSHOLE!!!)

“No…don’t go…” I say

I feel like the asshole for being alive.

I never thought that would be the last thing she would hear from my lips.

No God….not her….

Not my friend…..

(I HATE YOU!)

Take me instead, I’ll go. I’ll go right now!

She…..

animanshandsholdingwater

She dropped my hand.

Her heart has finished its toil.

I can’t breathe….I gotta get out of here….I…….can’t…..breathe….Oh my God!

Oh my God!!!

She has gone from me into the storm….

……she lives where lightning is born, now….

Our lives will continue as my memory….

I guess I should cry now….

But, I think it would still upset her…

…..no matter.

She did it to herself so, fuck her.

I will dance in the rain with the memory of my friend, and we will laugh…

I rejoice in the fact that as long as I live, she will be there with me.

SOBER

She will watch our children grow.

imagessundrop

SOBER

She will watch our children become best friends.

SOBER

It is time for me to weep for my lovely…

I thank God for Heaven and eternal life….

(I’m sorry I yelled at you, God…earlier)

I’m….just…….mad

Oh my God, why is it so hard to breathe when I think of her?

I don’t believe in heaven, only hell is real.

I can hear her voice in my head…

“Cry baby”

I smile….

It’s true….

She’s here…..right now.

SOBER

….sorry again, God.

I didn’t mean that part about only believing in hell.

I’ve seen pieces of heaven, sometimes; here and there….

Our heaven is alive in the thunder and rain.

I will think of her….then
(But, why….?)

She did it to herself…..

Selfish bitch! Why didn’t you say anything!?

She could have stopped anytime she wanted.

I shouldn’t judge, really.

I’m an asshole, too. So forgive my outbursts.

I’m gonna stop tomorrow….

….for her.

download (2)
I promise….

Things To Ponder

If I reach one person, it will be worth it.

One talks to one…

“Oh, I read something the other day that got me thinking”

One+One = change

……eventually….

….hopefully…

Sit down.

Close your eyes and breathe.

Forget about the world and get into your own head.

Now….

Why is there war?

Why is there hate?

Why are there borders and fences?

Why do we hate the person that cut us off in traffic?

Why is there racism?

Have you ever really listened to the night?

How have we survived as a species this long?

Why …..?

Just why.

Why do we do the things that we do?

Do you know why I know there is no God?

Because every God created by man has never been this patient.

Zeus, Krishna, Yahweh, Appollo, Odin, Allah,  yada yada yada…pffffft

Have you ever really looked at a flower?

A God, to my understanding of what a God should be, is not here.

We are on our own and we’re killing ourselves.

Nothing is forever.

All things change.

Death is inevitable.

Tomorrow is not real.

Our moral compass will not fail but, our ego can drown it out.

Ignorance is the greatest enemy.

Everyone knows this.

Have you ever really looked at a human and how miraculous they are?

It is the doom of man that we forget.

My thought?

We never had a clue.

Save us from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered where it all went wrong?

Me either.

But, I am now.

There are too many humans on this earth and “God” knows it.

So does all the other Gods, plus Mother Nature  also knows.

The balance is wrong…

Just a matter of time

 

 

 

 

 

It Is The Doom Of Man That We Forget: 1

“The trouble is, you think you still have time” – Fake Buddha quote

Dreams come true, sometimes…

Nightmares aren’t real, unless you’re in it…

“It is the doom of man that we forget”Inferno,-From-The-Divine-Comedy-By-Dante-$28folio-1v$29

Dante warned us what we faced….

The earth is burning out of control as we speak.

Mankind…..The arsonist of life.

Mankind…..The only hope.

I think we’re fucked….

No, check that…we are….fucked.

Thank God, I’m an optimist!

I wouldn’t be a good God.

I AM  too vengeful, jealous and impatient.

I’d have wiped us all out by now and started over.

I didn’t want to start out this post with that kind of attitude.

I don’t really like being a glass half empty type person.

I like being…..a “me” type person.

But….

People are still killing people though…

If you don’t like this post, I will fucking kill you!

Sounds like as good a reason to kill someone as any other, don’t ‘cha think?

Killers of the weak and meek….

They steal children from their front yards, rape them, choke them, stab them; then throw them into dumpsters or rivers.

They blow people up because they believe that there are only 65 virgins, not 72….

They shoot people in the face for $12 and a carton of smokes.

They bomb people from the air because they crossed a line on a map.

They kill people because they don’t know any other way. After all, their parents killed them, didn’t they?

They kill them because they took the name of their Lord in vain.

They kill them because they don’t believe in the God of their own understanding.

Besides, they know they are right….They BELIEVE IT.

They kill a child because the child is sexy; the kid was just asking for it.

They kill Granny because they know she gets a check every month, and she’s frail…..and weak.

They choke or beat their wives to death because the bitch didn’t have supper on time…or they need the insurance money to buy that new boat…or an engagement ring for the new bitch.

They kill the homeless person living in the alley because the fucker keeps asking for money and they’re tired of having to step over the piece of shit to get to the porno store…..Besides, he’s weak too….and vulnerable.

Plus, no one will miss them.

Public service, I guess they could say.

“ I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die….”

When Jesus said “The meek shall inherit the earth” maybe he meant their bodies.

Magool Eater of Children
Magool
Eater of Children

Piles of meek bodies stacked to the sky.

Evil reigns upon our lands.

If you turn the other cheek, you die.

Why do you think we have the ability to look over our shoulder?

It’s not because we like to see where we’ve been…

It’s because of danger and suspicion….instinct for survival.

images (5)

Darwin said that only the strong survive…

I will die before I deny Christ…or Buddha or whoever is popular this century….

Oh, interesting side note; did y’all know that as of November 2014, the full Bible has been translated into 531 languages, and 2,883 languages have at least some portion of the Bible.

And people sit there and believe that its infallible….PFFFT!

Were humans involved?

“I rest my case, Mr Mason; your witness”

No, don’t start getting all defensive, I’m not an atheist.

I’m more along the lines of an Agnostic Deist Buddhist Transcendentalist Baptist Catholic with Jainism tendencies.

The above crap means nothing to me in all reality…

IN REALITY…

I want to live, you see…?

I want other people to live.

Happy, happy, happy!

There is nothing worth dying for, except 3  things only;

I will die to protect my family and I will die to protect myself and, old age….That’s it.

I’m tired of enforced, forced, justifiable death.

I’m tired of war.images (6)

I’m tired of people preying on the weak and innocent.

I am tired of pedophiles that rape and murder children because the monsters mommy were  mean to them when THEY were kids.

I’m tired of the assholes that actually believe that shit.

I’m tired of people that kill in the name of God, Allah…Mohammed, Yahweh, Jehovah….Christ.

I’m tired of governments, controlled by little men AND women that control millions of us sheep, ready to die for flag and country….for $350 a week with reduced benefits…..

“Shake my hand, so I can see if you have a dagger up your sleeve”images (7)

Maybe mankind is a virus after all.

Weak viral cells have to die so that the stronger ones can feed off of them and survive to poison the host even further, mutating and adapting to become even harder to kill…

Knowing full well that when the host dies, they die.

They just don’t care, or if they do care, they just believe that “It can’t happen to me”

“Gimme all the money in the register!”

“Okay, there’s only $15 dollars, but I’ll give you all the cash in my purse…take anything you want, just don’t hurt me! I’ll give you an hour to get away before I call the police! Just don’t hurt me, I have kids!”

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

“Fucking, raghead!” “Fucking, Jew!” “Fucking, honky!” “Fucking, nigger!”

It doesn’t matter who you are, really…

If you have something that someone else wants, they will take it.images (10)

Oil, helpless children, women, money, cars….land….innocence.

What will I say to God when I meet him?

 

I know I won’t be able to look him in the eye….

“What in the hell is going on down there?!” asks God

I shrug my shoulders “I thought you knew” says I

“I quit paying attention after the flood. I thought that straightened everything out” God frowns….”I have other sheep, not of this fold”

I don’t blame him….

Free will and all that…..

“You left too many people” says Idownload (2)

This is my opinion;

A thought that I’d like for you to explore and consider….

Have you ever seen a beautiful work of art that everyone agreed on?

Have you ever seen a play or movie that everyone loved?

Does everyone love free Pepporoni pizza with extra cheese?

Dear God,

…..or whoever is running the show this week;

Give me the powers to set things right.

Let me be the judge….

I will kill them all.

Oh wait….

That’s your job….

frazetta

We must remind ourselves that we are capable of beautiful, wonderful things…

Please watch this Pale Blue Dot

Denial is Not A River

I keep trying and trying to deny God…..
and I don’t know why.

image

Denial….

It’s all I have left that is truly mine.

Do you think it’d be easier not knowing about God?

But, I can’t….not….know.

Childhood brainwashing, you say?

If I WAS brainwashed about God as a child, they did a really, really good job of it.

My grandmother must’ve been a psychologically, manipulating expert, CIA operative.

Should I believe, or not?

What can it hurt?

Maybe, nothing…
Maybe, everything…..

Why does it and has it kept mattering so much to me for my whole freaking life?

I do not hate God, he has his good and bad points, that we create; as needed.

But, I do question his intent, his existence, his reasons for what he allows to happen “down here” I mean, don’t we all….sometimes wonder, why?

He gave me freedom to use my free will, right? So, I’m using it.

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Does God want us to be sheep?

If he was that much of a narcissist and worship hungry, power freak as many people say, wouldn’t we be MORE like real sheep?

What was the point of him creating us just to destroy us?

A big boy with a magnifying lens?
A Lego master?
An OCD dominoes stacking champ?

A God that threw up his hands 2 thousand years ago and said “Fuck it”; leaving us unattended and alone?

New thought…

Do you think Peter and Jesus used to lay under the stars at night and just, talk?

Do you think Peter saw the look on Jesus’ face when he denied him?

Do you think Jesus was scared when he heard he was to be crucified?

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Why didn’t Peter deny Jesus in Rome, before they nailed him to his own cross, in hopes to save his own life?

I mean, Jesus had been gone a long time by then, right?

I mean, Jesus forgave Peter last time he denied him, right and even made him his “Rock”

What would Jesus do if he’d been a real person and people were trying to kill him?

If I’d been, Jesus?

I’d have fled. I’d have hidden.

These crazy fucking people are talking about nailing me to a fucking tree!

But, you had to stay….

You had to save the world, forever.

You have one chance to make a real difference.

I don’t think I love anyone that much, when reality hits; like a nail thru flesh and bone.

Peter wasn’t going to deny Jesus a 4th time and didn’t….whether it cost him his life or not; and, it did.

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He HAD SEEN the look on Jesus’ face.

Do you think that Peter and Jesus used to sit across from each other in the bottom of a Galilean fishing boat and just, talk; their backs against the gunnels, the burning sun beating down on their bare heads and shoulders; listening to the gulls overhead, the water lapping against the sides, the creaking of the masts; talking about, I don’t know….Crucifixion?

Or, do you think they just talked about their lives?

Maybe Jesus laughed at a story Peter told him….or Jesus   poked Peter when he started to snore…

Do you think Jesus could’ve stopped the whole sequence of events to come?

Do you think he was scared when they laid him on the cross?

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Why didn’t Peter deny Jesus a 4th time, to save his own life?

That’s a sticking point for me.

That’s one of the reasons I believe in Christ and his calling of Peter to “Feed my sheep”

Because Peter heard Jesus’ calling, stepped out of a boat and walked on water….

What would you do if a friend of yours was walking on water and told you to come to him or her?

……righhttt.

Peter saw him feed 5000 people with a bowl of fish and dinner rolls….and many more times.

He witnessed him heal
thousands, teach thousands; saw him do incredible, undeniable, God-like miracles…

Then, he denied him…3 times. Fact.

Saw Jesus tried before Pilate, maybe.

Saw Jesus beaten and scourged, maybe.

Saw the Christ, the son of Man, the Word made flesh, nailed to a tree….

…..maybe?

Or, did he?

Was Peter at the trial, the chastisement, the crucifixion?

No one says for sure…

Was Peter hiding?

Was Peter scared?

Do you think Peter was scared when he was being laid on his very own cross?

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Do you think he mused to himself “Well, this is ironic” before the nails were driven home?

“If you deny your Christ and your church, we will spare you”

“Crucify me”

Then he denied him….no more.

I wonder how long it took Peter to die….

Do you think he had forgiven himself for denying Jesus or was he paying it forward, hoping that his death would make him square with the Christ?

I mean, Peter was just a man, after all; right?

Well, so was Jesus.

This is why I can’t deny him.

Because, I know he was real, you see?

He is, real.

Thx for reading

Craftsman

I am a Jack of all Trades and master of some.

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Let me see….
(counting fingers)

I am a liar.no

I’m really, super good at it.

My lies actually become true thru the sheer power of my will and the urgency of the situation that the lie cloaks.

I can form a lie faster than a human eye can blink. At least measured by other people’s eyes blink time; my eyes won’t budge. I’ll look you straight in the eye and smile as I baffle you with bullshit.

I believe my own lies and that’s saying something, because as a general rule, I hate liars. I can’t stand to be lied to.

I can smell a liar coming from a mile away; except in my case. I hardly ever pass myself on the street and if I did I’d probably cross over to the other side of the road because I’d hate anyone to see me and I might know me.

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How embarrassing…

Let’s see….

I am a hypocrite.

I’m really, super good at it.

The world’s greatest, most sound advice comes from the world’s most repentant, guilt ridden, incorrigible, hopeless hypocrite.

I give excellent advice. I will never steer you wrong.

Of course, I won’t follow my own advice and I’ll criticize you, no matter what you decide.

Let’s see…

I am a judge.

I’m really, super good at it.

I do not need evidence or proof to judge you. All I need to do is look at you.

Quicker than your bounced check comes back, I can tell you’re on food stamps, behind on your rent, unemployed, half Mexican or nigger or something not quite white, ain’t got no car and you’re probably stupid as Hell, too.

Like I said….

I’m really, super good at being a jury, too.

I’m a bargain Jack of all Trades….

Let’s see….I’m great at so many things….its tough to rate me.

Let me see..

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Oh, almost missed the biggie…

I’m a sinner.

I’m really, really super good at that.

This trade takes absolutely no effort on my part; it just happens.

I was born a prodigy in this trade.

I have talent, I have scary, scary ability.

My sins have sins. My sin is my own.

My sin is the only trade I have that is self sustaining and prolifically regenerative.

A mind of its own.

I repent and my sin laughs.

I pray and my sin laughs.

I confess and my sin laughs.

I forsake my sins and covenant to never sin again; I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME…. and my sins mock me.

I’m really, super good at sin.

Years of experience.

Where is Jesus when I need him?

Oh…

I didn’t see him hanging there.

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