Relieved To Not Know

Crazy people don’t know that they’re crazy.

But, what if I SUSPECT that I’m crazy?

What if I’m Suspicious; nay, DUBIOUS of the voices in my head telling me that I MAY be crazy or that I’m crazy to think I’m crazy….?

What if I can’t trust myself, because I know me; I know how I can be. I know how many times I’ve let myself down…

I’m the kind of friend to myself that I love but can’t really trust completely or count on in a crisis.

They/me always lose their/my s*** in terse situations…

Fold like a lawn chair.

But, I keep on forgiving me…even after all the times I’ve let me down. Because, I know, deep down, that I love me in my own special way but, I know that I’m crazy sooo…

I get a pass….

I mean, I’m pretty sure I love me but, I also know that when times get tough, sometimes I’ll disappear or blow things off as not disastrous as initially thought and I’ll lie to me if my butt is on the line or think I’ll get mad at myself.

But, what if I AM crazy?

What if I’m really no friend to myself at all?

What if I’ve just been using myself?!

What if ignorance really IS bliss?

Does that mean that since I am a “naturally” happy, vivacious, fun-loving, morning, midday, afternoon, all-day person that I’m really just overly ignorant living in this utter bliss, bathed in crazy?

What if I am normal?

What if….I’m. Normal?

Oh. My. Heck.

What if….

I am normal crazy?!

What if, all the talking in my head, the anxieties, the mini-disaster movies playing thru my mind, ALL OF THE CRAZY that I am CONVINCED that I am, is really….just in my head….?

What If….

All the definitions and nuances that the world accepts as standards to be considered “CRAZY” were invented by a “normal crazy” person?

But, we all know that there are no normal people.


Jesus was the only perfect person that I am aware of but, he was too nice & loving to tell anyone that they were crazy!! Remember the guy and the swine?! Jesus didn’t tell people they were crazy, he just heals them.

How can anyone tell me that I’m normal?

I can believe it when they tell me I’m crazy because of the adage “Takes one, to know one”

“I can smell your crazy”


What if I’ve been normal this whole time?

What if I’ve never actually been crazy!?


What if…?

If I’m not crazy, I’m gonna be PISSED.

Without my crazy, I will have absolutely no excuses for my behavior, to fall back on.

Crazy, you complete me.

I need my crazy; it’s so obvious.

But, what if I’m really really the only normal person that has ever existed; other than Jesus, I mean?

I wonder if Jesus had his crazy moments…?

What if Jesus….wondered if HE was crazy? Hearing heavenly, ethereal voices, seeing angels, talking to dead people…?

….thinking he is the son of God….

How crazy is that, he’d think.

What. If. When Jesus found out he was perfect, but KNEW he didn’t FEEL perfect, totally convinced that he was NOT PERFECT.

What if Jesus worried about stuff…?

Do you think Joseph Smith thought he was crazy? Himself, I mean?

Would I think I’m crazy, if I had a prayer answered by God & Jesus, in person?

Or would I know that I wasn’t crazy because, it was real?

I’m sure God would let me know that this wasn’t crazy town, that it was actually him…

But you can’t trust crazy, can we?

Can you POSSIBLY imagine what a 14 yr old Joseph Smith was thinking when he walked out of that Grove of trees behind his small house, known what he now knew? Looking at his home, his dad in the adjacent field, the chickens in the yard, his mother looking out of the back door, with a look on her face, wondering why he was in the woods; the clothes drying on the line, slowly moving in the breeze.

Did that just happen, he’d have thought?

Normal thought right?

Or, is it?

Am I crazy?

How do I know?

They say that God talks to people all of the time but, other people always tell them that they’re crazy.

What if God is the voice in my head telling me that I’m NOT crazy?

That I’m only normal crazy?

I hate being normal.

It’s so obvious, now.

Crazy to think so.

There Are Others Of Us

I will not complain today. That much..

Sometimes I forget that I am surrounded by billions of other people on this world.


Many of them are going about their daily grind at this very moment; having their coffee, walking to the store on the corner for toilet paper, taking a pee off their back porch as they look across their families fields of corn or wheat, walking to the mailbox in your underwear, making steam monsters inside a freezing car as the heater does its job; standing at the end of the driveway watching a school bus full of little, squealing ankle biters fading off in the distance, feeling lonely all of a sudden; but don’t tell the wife or she’ll start cooing and call you a “big ol’baby”.

There are millions of others on our world that scream and wet their pants when a car backfires. There are millions of  others on our world that are digging thru mountains of debris looking for grandma or grandpa and snakes.

There are millions of others on our world that are cooking stale corn meal over a buffalo shit fire and filtering some drinking water thru an old tee-shirt and sand..There are millions of others on our world that are waiting for the sun to come back, or Jesus, or the mothership…

Allahu Akbar….


Fear God, not man…

imagesdenialWhat a crock of shit.

Lets face reality, people.

There are millions of others on our world that will not have a meal today and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. Maybe the rebel or government troops won’t steal the food from the relief organizations this time. They wonder if cannabalism is really all that bad.

wp-1459466600448.jpgThere are others on our world that will wonder what that noise is, right before the building explodes.

There are others on our world , millions of PEOPLE, that are not “blessed” or “lucky” enough to have what millions of us have; like a grocery store that throws away tons of perfectly edible food on a weekly basis.

I’ve witnessed it.

There are others on our world that would be grateful for a spoon of oatmeal or maybe a nice, hot shower or hell, maybe some timely penicillin.

There are others on our world that have never seen a TV, a car, an aspirin, an iPhone or a Kardashian…

I woke up this morning, like millions of others on our world, worrying about my bills, being at work on time, 52 year old aches and pains and a noisy coffee maker; then, I saw this: Sacrifice

I didn’t wake up dead this morning but, I complained about my life.

I cried for a baby and her dead parents this morning, then I remembered.fb_img_1462714108215.jpg

I reminded myself to be grateful and happy

I stopped what I was doing and began to do my little guilt routine.

As I walked around my bed, making it up, I told myself to be grateful, told myself what I should be happy for and why, to REMIND myself how truly blessed” “lucky” or “providentially gifted” or just in the right place at the right time, stumbling around bleery eyed in this little tiny apartment, in this little bitty city, in this tiny weeny country on this little bitty planet in this big old universe.

I have to remind myself to be grateful.

Think about that for a bit today.

Shouldn’t being grateful come naturally, shouldn’t it be kind of like an instinct?

I have to remind myself to be happy, some days… wp-1459466533709.png

Sometimes life gets in the way of living, and we forget the present moment is all we truly have and that each breath is a gift in this, our miracle of existence that defy any explanations or the limitation of human thought or expression.

We forgot how to be ourselves because we did it to ourselves and others.

I will not complain today.

Please remember that everything is impermanent, nothing lasts forever, but this includes all aspects of the human condition or life situation; such as, happy can be happier, best can be better or my coffee can be ready on time.

We are what we think we are, we create our reality or our perception of it.

Don’t even get me started on the treachery of perception.

Do you have to remind yourselves to be grateful or happy?

I will not complain today but, tomorrow…..I’m pretty sure I’ll have to remind myself to be happy and grateful, again.

Don’t be me….

Love, everything.

Love, everybody.

Help someones life be better.wpid-adversity.jpeg

Even if it kills you.

Merry Ho Ho Christmas  y’all ..










Disclaimer: I am newly, 52 years old and I may be experiencing a mid-life thingy. I won’t call it a crisis because I’m not IN crisis.

Or, maybe that’s what the crisis wants me to think….

Stay back, paranoia!!

So, please forgive me if my blog may tend to wander thru mysticism, spirituality, religion, agnosticism, politics, the benefits of the mushroom in the worship of a great white buffalo or waiting on that UFO that dropped our ‘first parents’ off here, thousands OR millions of years ago; depending on your familial school of thought or how you’re particular faith-based group in your neighborhood led you to believe, in a botched attempt to grow a new food source that was stupid and got fat easily….kinda like cows.

I believe that an unseen deity put our first progenitors on this earth, naked…in a perfect garden and told them….BEHAVE.

Not even God is that stupid.

Oh, plus the fact that we’re in a scientifically proven and individually, visually confirmed huge ass galaxy that is surrounded by other, quoting Carl Sagan “Billions and billions of galaxies” end partial quote.

Follow this next thought with me….

If God was an actual scientist; and I believe that all evidence, that we naked apes are capable of understanding point to the fact that, He/She/I Am does occasionally dabble in the sciences.

If “God” wanted to create an experiment where he has access to unlimited material, unlimited time, unlimited knowledge, unlimited space and NO bosses or alphabetized federal agency looking over his shoulder, do you actually believe that he would only have ONE species as his primary focus? Even I, in my sadly, limited and Google accessible scientific prowess know that there is always a control group in ANY experiment.

…several control groups.

Oh lord, I can hear the Jesus, Mohammed freaks now…

“God doesn’t need a control group! He’s GOD!!”

Calm down! Stay back , I’m on your side!

(Sound of whip cracking and animals roaring)


Hell, here I go:

We don’t know if we are even the first attempt in this experiment…

We may not even be the initial, hopefully anticipated outcome of the experiment.

We may be a control group that is going bat shit and has been set aside on a shelf, checked every few million years for any change, be it progressive or regressive, the results recorded and noted for reevaluation at a later date.

(God in a lab coat, shaking his head, scribbles on his clipboard)

“Hmmmmm, not good” he says “Not good at all” then….he starts erasing…..

I think the great flood in the Bible was actually a heavenly lab attendant attempting to wash us out of a petri dish and God stopping him at the last-minute….

Ooooo…I think I’ll start a church.

Anywho, let me get back to my point (Man that’s some wicked coffee)

Mankind is arrogant.

Mankind is superficial, greedy, violent, narcissistic  and collectively insane…

Let me quote Eckhart Tolle:

The collective manifestations of the insanity that lies at the heart of the human condition constitute the greater part of human history. It is to a large extent a history of madness. If the history of humanity were the clinical case history of a single human being, the diagnosis would have to be: chronic paranoid delusions, a pathological propensity to commit murder and acts of extreme violence and cruelty against his perceived “enemies”—his own unconsciousness projected outward. Criminally insane, with a few brief lucid intervals.” – A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.

But, then someone on this earth goes and does something selfless, beautiful and charitable….

Showing hope. Showing progress. Showing potential.

There is nothing more that the present moment in this existence.

The past is past; let it guide you, not define you; “It is in the nature of things that joy arises in a person free from remorse.” – Buddha

There is no future, only dreaming of one.

Tomorrow is optimism OR pessimism….depending on your mood but, tomorrow never really comes….

We are living moment to moment; because I know that, every one of us, have heard the saying “Man plans, God laughs his ass off” Well, maybe not exactly….that way…

Few of us ever live in the present. We are forever anticipating what is to come or remembering what has gone.
― Louis L’Amour

Jesus said, in the New International version of the Bible (translation attempt 554); according to Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Buddha also reportedly said “Ardently do today what must be done. Who knows? Tomorrow, death comes.”

That’s not being morbid, that’s fact…

We.Do.Not.Know…so why keep acting like we do?

If you have so much faith in a God, you’re supposed to let him handle everything, TRUST IN HIM.

How can people “faithfully” do that and worry about a tomorrow?

Another thing; how can you believe “faithfully” in forgiveness when you let the mistakes in your past affect you in the present moment and for that matter or allow people in your life to remind you of your past mistakes?

People that do that are the worst kind of ugly scar.

“God” is in us all.

“God” cannot be described

“God” is “I AM”

Think about that for a second….

Why would he say that?

How many times do we say that a day, “I AM”?

Are we comparing ourselves to “God” are we blaspheming or are we reaffirming our innate knowledge that we and God are one and the same?

“I AM Trey”

“I AM here”

“I AM doing something”

“I AM your friend”

“…..I AM listening”

Wow….I love exploration and self discovery.

I love traveling thru my mind…..

I just thought of something else….I know nothing, Jon Snow…

When I am typing and farting around on my humble blog, I am not thinking…..

I am just….being present……being here, at this moment.

By the time I wonder “What will the next moment bring?” I have already passed thru “that moment”

Hard to explain…

I’m sorry, I know I’m going on and on about drivel but, I just wanted to share my mid-life situation with y’all this morning.

I’ll leave you with this; and it’s true

If you only think about what you are doing right now, you have no capacity to worry.

Think about THAT

“Treat everyone you meet as if they were you.”
― Doug Dillon

“Do it now, then….?” – Trey (that’s me)

“If you are depressed, you are living in the Past. If you are anxious, living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment.” – Lao Tzu

PS: We have had so many wonderful, enlightened teachers throughout history and we still don’t learn….







What have I known all of my life?

What have you known?wp-1449415350508.png

I’m not talking about normal things….rhetorical things……obvious things…

Normal, as in, breathing, blinking, texting.

Rhetorical, as in, am I really as ignorant as I think I am?

Obvious, as in, answer to aforementioned rhetorical statement.

I mean, something like this: How long am I going to keep struggling with faith?

downloadI have been struggling with faith since I was 7 years old…..You?

Like a lot of you, well, maybe not a lot but a few, my childhood was spent in the deep south of the USA, so I have a little bit of every popular or every local denomination that resides there.

Whatever was kick’n at the time….

I was First Baptist Pentecostal Methodist Churh of God! Gimme an amen!

Sorry…sorry….force of habit.

Here are my struggle/s:

I’ve read.

I’ve learned.wpid-20150315_081623.jpg

I am growing older.

I question everything I have done throughout my life, recently, more now that ever, and do not like the man I am.

I reflect, I judge, I critique….

I regret.

I’m sick of religious guilt.

I am 51 years old. I will be 52 this year. I am scared of death and yes, like I said before, I am not a child anymore.

I have finally accepted the fact that I will never have the faith of a child or blind faith.

Maybe at one time I did, I don’t know.

I truly believe that there is a God of some type out there somewhere, everywhere…anywhere….elsewhere…..

Do I believe that God is an all-knowing being, the ultimate celestial prescence, the creator of the universe…Alpha, Omega, I Am that I Am, the bum in the gutter, that knock on your door….?

I used to, not anymore.

wpid-image-15661308.pngWait, wait! Before you start getting all crazy and swollen up with righteous indignation hear me out.

I still believe that there is/was a God, at one time, as we picture him.

I believe he is eternal yes, but I think he’s somewhere else; if I may pronounce in my arrogance, thinking that I might possibly know the mind and will of God.

I think God created everything in our known and unknown universe/s, formed us, then set us into being on this one earth, amongst trillions of other “earths” I believe, with the only tools we would need to proliferate and prosper.

  1. Common Sense
  2. Rational, logical thought
  3. Free Will
  4. Free Agency

wpid-wp-1444829340919.pngHow arrogant we are to think that we could possibly know any of the “grand plan”?

How arrogant we are to think that we have the answers to what we believe this God intended for us?

It hasn’t been that long, people, since we were painting on cave walls, throwing shit at each other, eating termites off sticks, running in fear from fire, throwing rocks at the moon, marrying our relatives, not taking baths for fear of plague or, here’s one: how long ago was it that a man on the radio had us convinced martians had landed in the US?

78 years, people…..only 78 years.

How long ago was it that we built nuke shelters to protect us from the Ruskies?

How long ago was it that a Northern boy fought a Southern boy to the death?

How long will it be until we realize that slavery was NOT the reason we had a civil war?

I could go on and on and on…

How long ago was the Bible written? Approximately 3500 years ago.

Did you know that there is a 500 year gap between the “Old” testament and the “New” testament…? I guess they were too busy to write about a loving, protecting God while Alexander the Great was changing the face of the world.

How long ago was the Bible printed…in English?

Check this out:wpid-wp-1444829222716.png

William Tyndale’s Bible was the first English language Bible to appear in print. During the 1500s, the very idea of an English language Bible was shocking and subversive. This is because, for centuries, the English Church had been governed from Rome, and church services were by law conducted in Latin.

Most people in Europe were unable to speak Latin, and so could not understand the Bible directly. The Church therefore acted as the mediator between God and the people, with Priests interpreting the bible on behalf of their congregations.

By Tyndale’s day, vernacular Bibles (those written in local languages) were available in parts of Europe, where they added fuel to the fight for the Reformation, a political crisis that resulted in the splitting of Christianity into Catholic and Protestant Churches. But in England it was still strictly forbidden to translate the Bible into English.

Tyndale believed that ordinary people should be able to read (or listen to) the Bible in a language they could understand, but his Bible was highly illegal. The book was banned and Tyndale was eventually executed.

An astonishing number of Tyndale’s translated phrases are still in use today, including:

‘flowing with milk and honey’

‘the apple of his eye’

‘signs of the times’


‘eat, drink and be merry’

‘the salt of the earth’
*above by courtesy of some Bible website *

The Book you call the Bible….ain’t even close to the actual Bible.

Nicene Creed …….check this out, too.

wpid-wp-1438817564409.pngLost in translation.


Told, what to believe.

How many dead languages do you think there are?


You know what I believe?

This is what I believe.

I don’t believe I have to tell anyone how, what, why or which I believe.

But I will, because I Loves ya!

I believe that “God” has created the universe but remains apart from it and permits his creation to administer itself through natural laws; the lawful harmony of the world, not in a God who concerns Himself with the fate and the doings of mankind.”

As what Professor Albert Einstein, a personal hero of mine, the first recognizable Citizen of the World, an imperfect man; once said, so eloquently and inciteful;

You people baffle me…SMFH

“I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own – a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. It is enough for me to contemplate the mystery of conscious life perpetuating itself through all eternity, to reflect upon the marvelous structure of the universe which we can dimly perceive and to try humbly to comprehend even an infinitesimal part of the intelligence manifested in Nature.”

I believe in “God” as being discovered through nature and reason, rejecting revealed religion and its authority over humanity. I believe that all humans are equal. Further, as God has never shown, nor would ever show, any favor for one people over another and has given us all that we need, as I stated before, that we should follow God’s example and give to others as we can.”

I refuse to believe in sin anymore, only consequences.

I refuse to believe in Hell, only a broken heart and regret.

I refuse to believe that a loving “God” would allow “his son” to die, when he had to have known that it would do absolutely no good at all, or make any difference.

I believe that God is not here.

We…are here.

download (1)
Hot Potato!!

We were left to prosper, succeed and fend for ourselves and the weak………and we’ve fucked it all up, big time.

Oh, yeah, I know, I hear the same old bullshit arguments floating back to me thru my laptop screen of people hollering and screaming at me that I should have faith, that I should pray and beg Jesus for forgiveness, or if I trusted in God, it’ll all be better.

Guess what?

“God” showed more trust in us when he placed us on this earth with the beautiful gifts I mentioned before and see how we repaid him.

I’d like to imagine him stepping back, wiping his hands off on his work apron and saying “That’s good, now….” and walking away to his next project.

He expected better from us you know, and we’ve let him down.

Ethan Allen, Revolutionary War hero, wrote “Ungrateful and foolish it must be for rational beings in the possession of existence, and surrounded with a kind and almighty Providence, to distrust the author thereof concerning their futurity, because they cannot comprehend the mode or manner of their succeeding and progressive existence. 

“God gave us reason, not religion”

It’s called reason, people.

I choose to believe in a God that gave me a right to choose in all things, and trusts in me to do the best that I can for myself and my fellow man.

T0morrow: “What About Jesus?”














Political Analysis from A Hack

I guess that I’m either multi-politically confused or exist in a highly astute temporal zone where all political or Government speak make perfect sense.

In my observations of the ongoing and seemingly endless drone of “political” commentary that is constantly emanating from our bestest, most respected political pundit spouting critics on the internet, television or satellite “radio waves” (aka Mind Control waves from space) I have reached this conclusion:

We are screwed.

There is no God, anymore. That’s our first problem.
There is no family values, as once were. #2
There is no sense of community, because of the damn Mexicans, niggers and rag-heads moving into the neighborhood. #3
There is too much free stuff that actually cost too much but, the great thing is, somebody you don’t know is paying for it.

But hey! Guess what!?
You can actually kinda bitch about that, because trust me when I say that you may be a little better off than someone else in this country and you’re paying their share, regardless if they need it or not, they might just happen to be looking for that one good paying job that doesn’t require any experience, education or aptitude.
They ain’t gonna pick no damn vegetables or wash dishes for a damn living!
They get more from food stamps and welfare checks!

“Crank out another baby, honey! We need another $200  month to cover the insurance on the escalade and that touch-up for my tattoo.”

I’ve only been alive for 51 years and it’s all going to hell in a hay basket.
Here’s a thought…
It’s kind of universal.
I’m going to solve the worlds problems, right now.

1) Follow the Golden Rule, it’s so simple. Maybe that’s the problem…
2) Follow the Buddhist 8 Fold Path to enlightenment. Too easy?
3) For 2 years, make everything in the world that we need to live, $1 per item; i.e., 1 food=$1, 1 bottle of water=$1, 1 bedroom 1 bath house=$1; 2 bedroom = $2 and so on.
a)National debt eliminated in 2 years.
4) For luxury items, such as booze, smokes, dope, boats, casinos, porno stores, hookers, NFL, MLB, NASCAR, NBA, NHL,FICA, MLS…. etc…you get the  point. Charge like hell and over tax the shit outta them!
a) I can see how a “sin” tax could work. If you wanna play, you gotta pay!
Seriously, 2 years!
I’ll guarantee you that people will learn to appreciate what they have a lot more, unnecessary waste will end, recycling will become a religious act and the lost sense of community will return, not in a socialistic fashion but a communalist type of lifestyle. Making each other strong.

Let me interrupt my tirade for a minute and set some things straight before you get the wrong idea of what I’m trying to say.

Yeah! Right! Bahahaha!

I am not a communist.
I am not a socialist
I am not a democrat
I am not a republican
I am not a liberal, nor am I a right wing wacko.
I am definitely not from the left, wherever the fuck that is….
Yeah, I know, opposite of my right, ha ha ha….
Smart asses.
Now, focus people.

I am a simple, somewhat law-abiding, occasional tax evading, bubble-gum shoplifting, grape sneaking muncher while at the grocery store, NY Yankee hating, rebel flag waving, American Flag salutin’, Pledge of allegiance spouting, Star Spangled banner screaming, Southern born AMERICAN!!!

Just like everybody else in this great, fucked up country of ours.

Except for the Northern aggressors….

Yeah….it seems bad now but, we are still the best hope for the world if we  could just leave the world alone.

They’ve been killing each other for a lot longer than we’ve been around. Hell, they’ve had wars that lasted longer than our history as a nation. Hell, they’ve got vases, chairs, toilets and sex toys older than America!


Stupid illegals....

We’ve only been around for 250 years or so, people, give or take differing historical claims.

China, the Middle East, Russia and Africa have all had thousands of years of civilization and cultural experience on us and look…..

With all of their art, poetry, government, philosophy and religious disciplines, they still haven’t accomplished what a few rag tag collection of misfits and woe-begons from a small island were able to conjure from thin air; and in an amazingly short period of time to become THE world power.

A shining light on the hill.
A beacon of hope and liberty
A melting pot assimilates the ingredients into a fine meal.
A nation on fire…

It doesn’t matter that they practically wiped out an entire race of people to accomplish this.
“Step aside, Tonto; this is my house!” “Oh, we need your help to kill the British.”
“Payment? Why yes, we have some nice blankets left over from the pox victims you can have”
It was all in the name of God and country….MANIFEST DESTINY, after all.

We cannot fix all of this stuff that is wrong with our world.
We have forgotten about God, Family and our responsibilities as stewards of our world.
We cannot go back to how it was because we have forgotten how it was and only “exist” now; to make ends meet, despite the fact that the way it is all set up in this country that there is NO END IN SIGHT.

As I drive across this country, I have hours and days and weeks to think about our nation, our world; the things that concern me or just happen to pop into my head.

Here’s some of the things I see all over this country and, its no bullshit.

What the heck!!?


1) There is lots and lots and lots of room. EVERYWHERE

2) They say unemployment is up, that there are no jobs. I see hundreds and hundreds of job postings hanging on buildings, fences and signs every month, EVERYWHERE.

3) There are abandoned, vacated buildings for sale, lease or rent all over this country that are not being used in any shape, form or fashion, for anything, sitting right next to a construction site for a new building that looks just like the empty ones that stare at you when you drive by on the interstate. EVERYWHERE

Homeless houses?
VA homes?
Immigrant housing OR education to become legal folks?
Simple to moderate self sustaining penal facilities.
College expansion?
Grain storage?

I mean, HELL!!! there’s wasted shit all over the place!

There are some unsold car lots in a few states that will blow your mind and they take miles to drive past, and they’re still building the same cars and turning them out!

Funny thing is, China won’t buy them, won’t even allow our cars in China but, we buy the shit outta their crap!
I wonder if  a thrifty Chinese shopper makes a face when they look at a tag that says “Made In America”.
The last time I saw anything that was made in America other than people was a long, long time ago.
I saw a beautifully, weathered, classic patina American Flag in Texas the other day…..Made in Pakistan

Y'all know any Skynrd!?

There is an airplane graveyard in Southern Arizona that will boggle your mind….Google Earth. Trust me on this

Waste not, want not.
So, why are we always wanting?

The only problem is…..welfare is easy and besides…..we’re getting lazy.

Don’t hiss at me, you know this is all true!

We haven’t been hungry, scared or wanted for anything in a long time.
Remember the roaring 20’s? The one after the first world war? First, we starved…then we made movies and new dances.
The 50’s? Right after WW2 and Korea. First, we were scared…then we bought Chevy’s and made babies.
Viet Nam? Got our asses kicked by our own government without ever shooting a single one of them. Then…we got Disco and Reagan….

I don’t know what God’s gonna do with us.
I mean, its in the Bible supposedly but, that part is being hidden by the Catholics….or is it the Jews….I don’t know.
If we could just figure out what John was trying to say in Revelations with a little more clarity and insight, we may get an idea of what the 2000 year ago apostle was trying to explain how he saw things and relate them for us future folks.
I guess if I had never seen a helicopter shooting missiles, I might assume that it was a dragon spouting fire….

It’s all in the translation and interpretation, baby.

I don’t think God is gonna put up with us much longer, besides….

With our history and predilection to reliving our own past and mistakes over and over; if we went back to God and faith, it would become another inquisition and extremist zealous fervor that would be unmatched by any previous era.

You think Sharia law or Mosaic law is bad and antiquated?
Answer me this Batman….
How long ago was it that we were burning witches in Massachusetts?

16 year old Witch

Hmmm…now you’re starting to see.

We are at an imbalance.
It is time for a miracle, or an asteroid.
It is time to admit that we are not supreme, we are not all there is to this.
It is time to realize that if we were meant to be alone, why are there so many of us?
Cancer, you say?

Maybe we are the antibodies.
Just gotta trust in the Great Physician and get the dosage right.

“I grew up knowing it’s wrong to have more than you need. It means you’re not taking care of your people”

“Coyote is always out there waiting, and coyote is always hungry”
-Navajo Proverbs

Dude Looks Like A Lady

wpid-business-man-blank-sign-11-vector-104ggur52892-picsay.jpegThere is a man/woman, “transgender person” I guess they call this type of human, sitting here in the breakroom at my company HQs.

With very much disappointment in myself, I am realizing that I have a looonnggg way to go to become a truly righteous man.

I also realize that I am MOST certainly prejudiced about this and feel wholly uncomfortable to be in the same room with this person.

I do not know why….

I’m disgusted that I am a hypocrite.
Gosh, I HATE hypocrites!!!

I am not a mean person, I am not a cruel person, I like people and generally, people like me. At least I think so, I haven’t been maced or tazed in years…

I am not shocked by that much, I am an American after-all and have a Facebook account loaded with crazy relatives, and I firmly believe in letting people live their own lives how they wish; thus, is the secret to happiness.

We really don’t have a choice here in this country anymore…

The new motto of the USA…..”DEAL WITH IT!!”

I do not know this dude that looks like a lady.

I have never met this lady that is really a dude, before.

He/she could be a wonderful caring person….IDK

But, do I care? Should I care? Why do I care? Does anybody really care?

I’m sure I do, because I’m a sensitive, caring guy, DAMMIT!!!

But that doesn’t have anything to do with the “creepy crawlies” I’m experiencing right now.

I don’t know why I’m like this or should I say, reacting like this.

So why, oh why am I disturbed by this person sitting at the table across from me?

I am very, very uncomfortable right now.

I feel like I am in a pit with sheer walls, a venomous serpent is also there, with no way out while I’m overdosing on caffiene….

Know what I mean?

The back of my neck is hot

My forehead feels hot

My pulse is beating in my ears.

I think I’m sweating on my laptop.

I feel like I’m getting physically ill….

I can’t stop grabbing furtive glances of this person, it’s kinda like looking at a terrible car wreck or accidently catching a glance of my naked grandma…

I can’t believe how uncomfortable I am!!!

I don’t like being this way!

Am I actually frightened….SCARED OF A……well, a person!?

Why am I this way?priest

Why does it bother me so much?

Is it an instinctual reaction to something that is not natural? Am I being an animal!?

This dude, that looks like a chick, is talking to me now. I am listening (and still typing this) but, I can’t look at….it? Him/her…AC/DC?

Victor/Victoria is less than 3 feet away from me and talking to me and I am actively trying to avoid eye contact.

I don’t feel contempt, I don’t feel anger or hate….I just feel….dirty.

I know that’s wrong…..I know it’s bad….I know it’s not Christian love and I haven’t investigated what my churches stance is on the subject. I know what they stand for and they won’t change on the basic tenants of some things.

I will have to ponder on this a while longer….

I just don’t understand why people can be so weird…..IS IT WEIRD?

I know Tootsie has to have some balls, figuratively or no….

It would take some HUGE JUEVOS to dress like that in a truck company, IN ARKANSAS!


Especially in those shoes…

Good. At least I can laugh at myself for being a dink and use my blog to explore my thoughts and feelings and work thru them.

It is excellent therapy…..almost as good as fasting and praying.

Hey, thanx for listening guys….and gals…or guy/gals.

It helped a lot.

I am trying, you know?

I’ll put more on my blog…when I  am confronted with more personal bigotry and intolerance.

Tomorrow good for y’all….say about….6-ish?images (3)


***Matthew 22: 36-40


“My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?” 
― C.S. LewisMere Christianity

I am a Mormon.

I am a terrible Mormon.DSCF0303

Don’t misunderstand me.

I am not a terrible person by accepted social standards but, I feel that I am.

I am very critical of mistakes that I make.

I am very critical of mistakes that others make but the difference being that when others make mistakes I can think “Don’t be an ass, everybody makes mistakes” When I make mistakes there is only one line that I stick too “I’m an idiot”

I don’t think I’m depressed; not anymore.

I’ve been depressed and medicated for it; plus, I have been certified and have my own mental health dossier as being anti-social, border-line personality order with manic-depressive tendencies.

Basically, I’m normal and not on medication.

The difference is that I have a very critical opinion of myself, not so much in everyday things mind you but, in things that are personal and unique to me as an individual; things that no one would know, ask or even care about.

You see, I know the thoughts that go thru my mind.

Y’all know the thoughts behind your eyes.

Are they dark?

I know my first reactions to anything.

Y’all know how you will react to things…

Very, very rarely are we ever truly surprised by anything.

Lord…I have had my mistakes.

I have MOST DEFINITELY fallen short.

Sometimes, I’m ashamed of things I have done.

Thank God, for forgiveness and repentance. Because I ain’t getting any down here on earth.

Hell, I can’t even forgive myself….

Not these days.

Of course therewpid-1421967083955.jpg are things behind my eyes that people can’t see, things I don’t want people to see.

Sometimes….maybe 1 out of say….192,094,954,021,783.623 I’m actually surprised by a reaction or a response to any given incident.

You know you…

I know me…

I know exactly what I will do when presented with any of the countless myriad decisions to be made, in less than a heartbeat, of life’s challenges.

If I react differently over something than I thought I would, I just think “Doesn’t surprise me”

I know before I know….

Y’all know before you know.

Is it instinct?

Is it a trained response, or something we “just…know”?

More times than not, I can control my attendant vocal response to such reactions. I can keep myself from screaming, cursing or showing any interest that such a situation may garner or require.

Times like these are when I can honestly thank God for the built in volume control that we humans all come with as standard default software.

But, alas; I am human and sometimes my mouth overrides my butt.

But, I can think in silence.

I can hide the feelings in my eyes.

I can keep a stoic, masterly countenance with absolutely no outward appearance of a reaction.1422494_327648954073777_6798721775232294529_n

I’m especially good at reacting, or showing a reaction that a person, or people, would ever expect as a typical response, nay, the obvious response.

“Why aren’t you freaking out right now, your *bleeping* leg is cut off!!”

I look down and notice the missing peg…

Stoic countenance, steady eye, unsoiled trousers…

“No biggie” I’ll say. “I hope no one trips over it”

Like I said…

I am 50 years old.

I am canny, underhanded, sneaky, experienced….

I have tenure in the University of Life.

I am a visiting professor.

I am on a sabbatical from Heaven.

I am normal.

I hate being normal.

I wanna be different.

I wanna be unique.

I wanna be….like him….or her….or them.

I wanna be someone other than me.

I wanna……I wanna just be……….something.

Then, like right now, I realize that THAT’S the secret of

……….To never be satisfied with yourself.

Always, wanting more….

Not so much in material acquirements or personal recognition from the public; that’s a lost soul’s obsession but, in your own self worth or better yet, what you expect from yourself.

I believe that letting yourself down is the worst thing for a person to experience.

To lie to the one person that it is impossible to lie to.

Isn’t it a terrible thing that you actually believe your own lies?

You know that they are lies but, you no longer care because it lessens or maybe, it covers the fact that you accept this.


I did it for years.wpid-20150109_063ii455-picsay.jpg

Lots and lots of unfulfilled potential….

Anyways, I’m getting off the subject.

I like beating myself up.

As I said earlier;

I am a convert to the LDS faith. August 11, 1984

I am a Mormon.

I am a terrible Mormon.

I do not fit the stereotype.

I fit the “Biker Gang” stereotype.

My driver’s license photo looks like a serial killer mug shot.

This is not a mug shot.
This is not a mug shot.

I don’t care what faith you practice as long as you work at it with true intent and a humble spirit.

I don’t care if you’re an atheist as long as you believe in yourself and the right of freedom for others to do likewise without hurtful criticism or persecution.

I don’t care if your higher power is a Pet Rock or a Chia Pet.

I am not a preacher.

I am not a missionary.

I am not even a good representative of my own chosen church.

To some, I am an infidel.

To some, I suffer from a God delusion.

To some, I am a pain in the butt.

To me, I

I am a simple man with complex feelings.

I am a complex man with simple tastes.


I cry when I read the Bible, because I know.

I cry when I read the Book of Mormon, because I know.

I cry when I watch videos produced by my church and others depicting Christ’ life and mission.

I cry when I pray, because I know.

I cry when innocent people are murdered because of their faith.

I cry because I don’t know God’s will and why he allows bad things to happen.

But, I believe that God speaks to us.

We just don’t listen that well, or outright ignore what we KNOW to be good advice.

Jesus said, and read it carefully: “Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.”

Jesus was honest.

He told us the truth.

He said in John 16:33; “You will have suffering in this world.”

He didn’t say you might – he said it is going to happen. (Courtesy of Christian author and apologist Lee Strobel)

But why?

“Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou hast understanding.” Job: 38:4 (Courtesy of God)

I don’t understand everything….I’m cool with that.

I don’t like it but I don’t have to, I guess.

It’s not a matter of blind obedience and the fear of God.

Free will is the truest gift.

I can decide if I want to believe in anything.

I can decide if I want to be a good man.20130802_051816d-picsay

But, there are rules and penalties for those of us that seem to have a hard time learning from our mistakes.

(You can’t see me but I’m raising my hand)

Knowing the punishments, no, that’s not a good word; knowing the rules and results…..that’s the other gift.

Think about that.

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” (Courtesy of Sir Isaac Newton)

It’s physics….

My faith is weak, not dead.

I know I am human, a mere Christian.

I can still be brought to tears by reading the word of God.

That’s a good sign.

I am happy with my God delusion.

There is a way to find comfort in this world and I feel pity for the souls that suffer.

I know there is a way to live a good life.

I know there is a God.

I know there is a reason for it all.


There has to be.

God, I’m counting on it.

Thanks for reading my Sunday post.

“And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” 
― C.S. LewisMere Christianity

Final Resolve

How do you follow thru with New Year’s resolutions anyways?-228575117760803663

I guess it depends on how badly you want to make changes in your life.

I mean, we can all change things at any time of the year; nothing’s stopping us.

But, I guess it’s more orderly or maybe more “superstitious” to start at the first of the year; kinda like a starting line.

I try and avoid the most prevalent, traditional resolutions like; losing weight, quitting smoking, cutting back on liquor or beer, or stopping altogether, donate more time and money to local charities, feed the hungry, house the homeless…blah blah….etc….etc.

You may have noticed something about me from my previous posts, if not; here is a quick recap:


  • I am a dormant alcoholic
  • I struggle with organized religion and sometimes get mad at God.
  • I am an over the road (OTR) truck driver…long haul and dedicated routes.
  • I used to be a cop and a crook
  • I used to be a jailer and an inmate.
  • I used to be a dad but, now I am called the biological contributor.
  • I used to be a disc jockey when we still had 45rpm vinyl platters. Now I only see them in antique stores.
  • I have met John Wayne and came to Jesus.
  • I have driven a race car, 180 mph at Talladega Motor Speedway and been arrested for driving drunk at 34 mph on an interstate.
  • I have driven thru a rainbow and never seen the forest thru the trees.
  • I’ve been married 4 times and still love women.
  • I have 3 children that I know of….


The biggest struggle that I have, honestly, is my struggles with God and religion.

I am almost obsessed with the status of my soul in God’s eyes.

The battles that I have waged throughout my life up to this point have almost been exclusively about my relationship with God and my worthiness as a human being.

I have always wanted to be a good man.DSCF0304

But, bad things happen to good people and sometimes good people do bad things.

My first ex-wife, we’ll call her Frodo, tells me that I am a good man, but I make bad decisions.

I use to argue that opinion, but as I have gotten older and reflect more on my life, I can’t dispute her summations.

No matter how much I want to and enjoy listening to her fuss…

This is my 50th year on this earth.

It’s time to fix me.

It’s past time….

It’s a miracle of Physics and Improbability that I was even born as a human instead of an oyster.

But now that I’m here and have seen what I have seen; hoping to see more, there is only one thing that I can do….

Give up.

Poop or get off the pot.

Get off the fence.

Just do it.

I had a rough childhood, but lots of people have.

My childhood shaped me and has affected my growth as a person and had lasting damage throughout my life.

It made me what I am.

But I won’t let it define me any longer.lkj

I won’t blame flawed people for my faults any more.

I forgive you all.

I forgive myself for being….human.

My New Year’s resolution, for the rest of my life, is that I will trust in God.

Bear with me…

I don’t see any other way to get thru this life with any real quality.

I have to hope that all this Jesus stuff people keep telling me about is true.

I know the Bible is true, as far as I can pray about what I’ve read; I must let the words explain themselves to me in a way that I can fathom.

I will not become a Jesus freak.

I will not become the type of scripture spouting psychopath that forces people to the other sidewalk to avoid walking past them.

I will pray in the dark.

Don’t worry, I won’t change my blog or my posting style and become an internet itinerant pastor.

Writing keeps me sober.

Writing keeps me sane.downloadbb1

Writing will bring me closer to the entity that I choose to call Heavenly Father.

I can only assume, that as I turn over my worries and questions to God, that my mind can only become quieter and more at ease.

I really don’t like writing about God or religion. I think it should be a highly personal thing.

But can I do it like it should be done?

Can I turn over control of my soul?

I am kind of a control freak, you know.

I’m really hoping that I can be obedient to the guidelines, requirements and covenants that my chosen religion has set forth as accepted scripture by revelation?

For some reason I find traditions and ritual observances comforting and important.

Man, I’ve gotta do this.

I know how I am and how I can get but, I have GOT TO change things.

I have got to get right with Jesus!

I have to let go and let God!

I have got to chill out and have faith that if I do the work, God will do the rest.

Or, at least I’ll feel better about myself.

It’s my only option.

I know my real weaknesses; I know my “demons”download (2)

I’ll just keep them to myself for now.

Maybe I’ll tell y’all about them sometime.

If you’re wondering what brought this up all of a sudden; No…I’m not dying….as far as I know.

Can I actually do this complete 180*?

Will I walk upright before God and man?

I don’t know….

The conflicts in my mind and heart are constant.

It can get quite noisy in there.

Y’all know what I mean.

“Be still…” says the 46th Psalm

So…..I’ll be still.

Walk with me God and tell me some things about yourself and what you hope for me.

Tell me what I want to hear and why I can’t have everything I ask for.

Just….tell me the truth.wpid-20140923_204744-picsay.jpg

I’ll go pray in the dark and let God sort me out.

Dang, I feel better already.

I’ll just blame God when I fall short.

Hey, at least we’re talking again.

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