This week I am anti-religion and I left my wife.
Plus, I ate a piece of white bread despite my dubious diabetes diagnosis…
And, its only Wednesday.
Lane Changer
Do y’all ever have one of those weeks….?
I don’t even wanna try to get into details about how bad it has been.
I’m going to summarize. Okay?
I want to kill everybody that drives a car in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.[BRL]
There I said it…
I am familiar with my Miranda rights and I type these words cognizant of the possible ramifications.
Although this is fantasy in its greatest form, everyone has to have a dream or a goal.
Let’s pretend that I am serious….no wait….I AM serious.
Let’s just PRETEND that I’ll go thru with it.
I want to go “monster truck style” down Interstate 10 thru BRL between Hwy 415, across the Mississippi River Bridge, past the Interstate 12 interchange all the way to Exit 173 in Geismar.
Either direction…..East or west, I don’t care. Both ways must pay for their insolence….and inbreeding.
Y’all know road rage….when it happens.
Y’all have felt the murderous intent…..when it happens.
Y’all know that some people must die….when it happens.
Y’all know that you would choke the shit outta somebody if you could get away with it….every time it happens….
I think some instances of road rage (RR) should fall under revisions to the legal statutes in the greater state of Louisiana, City of Baton Rouge, Coon-Ass Parrish under a new piece of legislation I am writing for the D.O.T titled; “Justifiable Homicide under the Public Welfare and Good Deeds Act of 2014; Section 1, Paragraph 365.1 subsection 2.0 A.S.S”
You think it’s bad getting RR in a car?
Well, yeah I know it is bad in whatever form it comes.
But try getting RR in a semi-truck….
Oh…..MY….God!
I am a sensitive man. I cried during the last episode of M.A.S.H. I just got done crying at that movie “Frozen”…..in front of my nephews……I am a big sissy now according to them!
I WEAR GIRLY PANTS!!!
For me to want to extinguish the life spark of another human being is beyond imagining…..
No it’s not…..I can imagine a lot.
I named my blog “Imagine” after all.
I am a sick bastard……I can think up all kinds of shit.
That’s why all you crazy people follow my blog! ; P SHAME……..
Why does my big rig have turn signals?
Is it an indication that I may want to……turn? Change lanes….?
Noooo…..It means for 4-wheelers (4ws) to speed the fuck up and pass me before I do anything rash like….Let someone enter traffic from an entrance ramp.
Wait! How about hurrying up and getting around me only to slam on the brakes, make the 18 wheeler weighing 40 tons fail to come to a complete stop, then take the exit ramp right in front of him and having your mother called a bitch!
You…Son of a bitch…..
I’m sorry that I said a wordy durd but BRL is to blame.
Those people have NO IDEA what lurks in the hearts of men….Neither does The Shadow.
He don’t know me….
I’m going to snap one day.
I can see it now:
Headlines!
“Psychotic Trucker goes Bat Shit in Baton Rouge!”
Do you know why truckers want to move over from vehicles or people on the shoulders of the road?
Because if not, a vehicle can be blown off a jack while some poor fella or girl (yeah, like that shits gonna happen) is changing a tire.
It’s happened…. I’VE SEEN IT
Because people can be sucked under a trailer like a vacuum after the truck passes by.
It’s happened…. I SAW THE AFTERMATH OF A CYCLIST AND A HITCH-HIKER MEETING THAT GRISLY FATE.
The other terrible part?
Is when the poor trucker that was involved realizes what just happened.
One died of a heart attack right there in front of us on the side of the interstate.
The other driver wrecked his truck and died in the crash, as did the woman that was in the sleeper berth.
The fire spread too quickly, we couldn’t get them out in time.
I won’t even tell you what happened to the biker…..
God….the smell. The blood trail……..
That’s why I beg all of you 4ws, that when you see a vehicle on the side of a road and you are about to pass a semi, slow down and let the driver move over.
It might cost you 10 seconds….Instead of costing someone else a forever.
The longest red light I have ever encountered was 2.5 minutes.
Eggs take longer to cook….
Here’s a challenge: Next time you’re at a red light, time it.
Next time you have to wait for someone to go by or the way is clear, so that you can proceed, time it.
I was taught this a long time ago. In normal everyday situations we never wait more than 2 minutes, and a little less than a minute waiting for traffic to clear.
Yes, I’m like you, sometimes I am in a hurry and these durations seem interminable.
But after I learned the times I noted above, I felt silly and stupid.
How much longer does time seem to a man IN a bathroom stall or the guy WAITING to get in the stall, when it is a minute either way? Both have pressing business, so it’s relevant.
If y’all take this challenge I swear that you won’t get as impatient or take as many risks behind the wheel.
I tell you this as a professional driver with over 2 million miles of experience in The US and Canada.
I’ve learned a few things.
Here is a refresher for all my followers:
1. Aim High in Steering
Look 15 seconds into your future. (Don’t just look at the vehicle in front of you, look at all of them!)
2. Get the Big Picture
Look for Hazards. (Other Motorists, Pedestrians, Vehicle doors opening, debris on road surface)
3. Keep Your Eyes Moving
Don’t stare. (Use your peripheral vision)(Stop the fixed habit stare)
4. Leave Yourself an Out
Monitor the space cushion around you and your car or bike. Keep a car length between you and the car ahead of you when stopped. Always leave enough space to escape if you have to.
5. Make Sure They See You
Use your signals- (Directionals, 4-Way Flashers, Head Lights, Brake Lights,
Horn, Hand Signals) Make Eye Contact.
6. Buy a freaking Bluetooth Headset!!!!!!!
7. Auto-Reply for texts and calls while driving!!!!
*****When following a semi-truck, leave at least 2-3 truck lengths between you and the rig at 65mph.
If you can’t see the driver’s mirrors, he can’t see you!
Don’t run up on his bumper then try to pass, then get mad if he changes lanes just as you do. There could be something ahead of him that you can’t see and he changed lanes because he couldn’t see you.
That’s why the jaws of life were invented.
Have you ever seen the damage a passenger car causes to a semi trailer when they run up under the back of it?
I have….
Too many times…….
It causes hardly any damage….to the semi-trailer.
It might pop a tire, but you just ran under 40 tons at 65 mph.
They’re gonna use a shovel and garden hose to clean you up.
I’ve heard drivers say that they never felt it when it happened and they kept going down the road until someone flagged them down or hollered at them on the CB….
Dragging poor Suzie’s head down the interstate……
You’re dead…..forever.
Last good advice……
When in doubt….Get off the fucking accelerator.
The few seconds you lose won’t kill you…..
Someone else will though.
Please be careful when you drive.
And watch out for us poor truck drivers. We’re not all perfect by any means, but most of us are true professionals and care about our jobs.
We don’t like running over people.
We don’t like to see it.
Trust me on this…..
P.S I’m sorry this has been a little graphic, but I got the shit scared out of me today by a girl on a cell-phone. She doesn’t know how close she came to dying today.
You’re Trucker Blogger Friend,
Death By RuRu (Revisited)
**This is a revised edition of one of the favorites of my first followers and has created a few RuRu cult of personality groupie section. I am posting this revised story for the new guys and gals that have joined my blog lately.
Join the RuRu fan club! 
This is a play by play account of the last 10 minutes:
[Setting] The “Writing Nook” of my truck.
[The Players involved] Me…2 rat bastard flies…and RuRu.
I’m sitting here in a tightly sealed truck, driving across the high Nevada plains at 68 mph.
Both windows are up, all vents shut, a/c making my eyes water and toes go numb.
I’m also listening to The Game of Thrones with my Audible app. I have Bluetooth in my truck too. It makes long miles interesting and bearable.
Anyways…
I’m driving past Battle Mountain, Nevada (elevation about 6000’) heading east. I am on my way to Brattleboro, Vermont (Elevation…dick!)
It is sunny on the road today…raining in spots. That’s how the high plains are. Wait 5 minutes…weather changes.
It’s so pretty with the sun beams poking thru the clouds and coloring the mountains and plains with shadow and light. It’s rather cool outside too. Temp gauge says 68 degrees.
I decided to roll my window down half-way (if you open a semi truck window all the way it creates a vortex and all the wind is sucked out of your lungs…all your IMPORTANT papers blow out the window, and you become fat….Well, that last part is a slight exaggeraration.
Anywho…
I’m just sitting here listening to my audio book and getting pissed about Eduard Stark being beheaded by that prick Prince Geoffrey, when I glance out the window (like we all do) and see a fly.
There is a fly flying ALONG SIDE of my truck…I shit you not.
You heard me. A fly…? Flying next to my truck…? At 68 mph…? With the vortex and everything else?!
This sucker is flying his ass off.
I’m looking at this fly wondering if I’m hallucinating, when the sum bitch makes a right turn and flies into the cab of my truck!
I’m freaking out here people!
I hurry and roll up my window in case a wingman of his I didn’t see is tailing him.
Muwahahaha! Trapped bitches!
I try to follow his flight path around the inside of my cab (you know how we all watch flies) trying to predict where they will land.
It’s useless though because fly flight defies known physics and the laws of probability.
I have a flyswatter (I call him RuRu…I don’t know why…) in my truck because I haul a lot of foods from produce markets, and meat packing plants where flies hang out.
I also spend the nights in truck stops where nasty truckers will get out of their truck and pee pee on the ground.
Flies love pee!
Disgusting……
Anywho…
The fly that has entered my truck has now done what all flies do…
He has turned into 3 flies. I don’t know how they do this, but we’ve all seen it happen.
I am marveling at this as I reach for RuRu.
As soon as RuRu starts to hunt them…they disappear.
I wonder what they do when they vanish….?
You know how them rat bastards are.
You won’t see them for 10 minutes. But…you’ll know they’re there.
Watching….waiting….
They sit there rubbing their stupid little hands together hoping for a chance to shit on your soda straw, and then laugh like hell when you take a sip on it.
Call me a liar!! You’ve seen them watching you…..
Don’t you hate it when they land on the bottom side of your arm? Sunza bitches…
They have more lives than a freaking cat!
I mean…work with me on this.
Have you ever hit a fly with a fly-flap when it’s landed on your leg or arm? It hurts like hell don’t it.
And you know what?
You know you hit the bastard…but he flies off.
He’s probably laughing too!
Sunza bitches…
So here I am…driving an 80,000 lb vehicle with one hand on the wheel, the other with a fly- flap.
One eye on the road….one eye for the fly.
Not really, I’m looking for these Sunza bitches…with both eyes! To hell with the traffic!!
And of course, they’re nowhere to be seen.
But I am smarter than a fly.
I know that when they see me put down RuRu…they’ll attack.
You know it’s true.
I catch one napping and quickly dispatch him.
Now…I have a window to clean.
What do you think was the last thing that went through that flies mind when he saw RuRu swooping down on him?
HIS ASS!!! That’s what! Muwahahaha!
Anywho….
Out of the corner of my eye, my spider sense tingling, I see the second fly dive into my trash can and I jam RuRu into the can whipping him around like I’m churning butter! (Now remember…I am still driving during all this)
The rat bastard fly doesn’t come out. I wait for 30 seconds then churn again.
No fly. I’m ahead of the game! ….Pussy
I can’t see the third fly.
I know he’s there…watching me. I can feel the hackles on the back of my neck rising.
I call upon my superior intellect and cunning to anticipate his next move.
I put down RuRu and start whistling….Looking uninterestedly out the windows.
I have turned off the audio book so I can concentrate.
I hear nothing for 123 miles!
Now I have parked at a truck stop in Wendover, Nevada for the night.
I pull out my lap top to check emails and WordPress.
I had forgotten about the fly as I was trying to think of a subject for a future post when the Sunza bitching fly re-appears and lands on the bottom side of my arm from behind.
God I hate that!!
DIE COMMIE SCUM!!!
Sneaky Bastard!
That’s fucking it!
I turn on every light that is in the cab of my truck.
You must see to kill…
I pick up RuRu…and wait.
My head is still, but my eyes move. “I’m waiting Mr. Future dead ass fly!”
I can feel RuRu trembling in my hand.
He looks up at me and says “I can smell ‘em”
[This next line is written 15 minutes from last line.]
I am still waiting and watching.
I know he’s still in here.
There are 2 again.
I think the one in the trash can is back.
Sunza bitches…
Weather Update from Nawlins’
I am almost ashamed to be a Southerner today….
As most of you know, those that live in the States, we just had a visit from a winter storm named “Leon”.
Most of my followers, ardent admirers and blog groupies also remember that I am a dirty, stinky old truck driver.
I am currently on a dedicated route that runs from Hope, Arkansas (birthplace of William Jefferson ‘Bill’ Clinton) to New Orleans, Louisiana (Famous for Crawfish, Jazz and Mardi Gras)
I have been over this entire country in my travels.
I have been thru hurricanes all along the Gulf Coast, tornados in Texas Ohio and Missouri, blizzards in Montana and Wyoming, avalanches in Washington and Utah, Ice Storms in Oklahoma and Massachusetts, Terror attacks in NYC, the Branch Davidian Fiasco in Waco, Texas, earthquakes in LA AND San Francisco and way too many other historical and/or weather occurrences to name.
I’m starting to think this shit is starting to follow me around….
Anywho…
To drive thru all kinds of weather is a natural thing for a trucker.
It’s part of our job. It’s expected.
But when Leon passed thru and dropped temperatures and added a barely measurable amount of snow and ice, if I can even call it that, it has shut down Southern Louisiana.
Can you believe that they actually closed schools the day before the storm got here?!
I’m not even gonna call it a storm, it doesn’t deserve that distinction.
I will now refer to “Leon” as a pisser.
I know it struck Alabama and Georgia pretty hard, but the pisser was just getting fired up as it passed over Louisiana.
I have been driving thru Louisiana today and they have all kinds of road/ramp closures.
My regular 7.5 hour trip took 10 hours!
I have been driving on clear roads, except for the melted ice that is now water at 37* and sunny.
I saw no snow, or ice on the grass by the interstate.
I only saw one stretch of interstate that had about 20 miles of one wide lane to run on, out of 434 miles, and I ran it at 64 mph.
They had a detour thru Alexandria, Louisiana that took me right thru the business district.
All the lanes were clear, like I said…37*, and they were driving with their foot on the brakes and a “Coming to see you soon Jesus” look in their eyes.
If I had done what I thought about doing, just to be mean, and honked my big rig horn at one lady that was going 25 mph on a 4 lane city street, I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE DIED.
I kept 2 trailer lengths behind her because I couldn’t tell what she was gonna do.
Hell, everyone around her was driving the same way!
I was slowly losing my “Power of Now” and considered telling Buddha to eat shit and die.
The way she kept looking in her rearview mirror at me you’d think I had been following and stalking her all day….Just waiting on my chance to run her off the road.
I decided not to traumatize her anymore and not honk my horn.
It would have been funny as hell, but when the last thing that happens is the screech of tires, the sound of crunching metal, the tinkle of broken glass and the smell of shit…It loses its humor.
For them at least….; ) Bahahahaha!
I’m sorry…that was mean.
Some 411….
The rule for a trucker and something that you four-wheel drivers might not know is that if you can see water mist coming off your tires, IT’S NOT ICE!!!
If you see a big rig going down the road and there is water mist coming off his tires, IT’S NOT ICE!
You have to be careful of course for hydroplaning on standing water, but keeping your speed reasonable and BOTH hands on the steering wheel you should be fine.
But these ‘people’ down here are getting ridiculous. It’s embarrassing….
These ‘people’ live thru Hurricanes!
They act like a 400 mile wide F2 tornado is nothing, even when they’re floating down Bourbon Street on the roof of their house!
But they get an overnight ‘pisser’ and they freak the hell out.
People were hording food and supplies in Shreveport! 300 miles north of NOLA!
If these ‘people’ had gotten an equivalent of what I saw in Boston about a month ago….OMG! I don’t even wanna think about that!
These ‘people’ would have started sacrificing their oldest sons!
I bet your happy ass that if they got a week of Pisser, y’alls property value up north would have gone thru the roof and Louisiana would be refunded back to France as a penal colony again.
Ha ha….I said “Penal”
Anywhos….
How do some people get a driver’s license?
I ask myself this every day of my life….many times.
With large amounts of vulgar language.
I just felt like ranting…..I’m sorry.
If you had to deal with these crazy people on the UNFROZEN highways of southern Louisiana today you’d be a nervous wreck too and saying to yourself, “Screw my alcoholism! I need a freaking whiskey!”
Don’t worry….I ain’t getting smashed.
Xanax is much better for these instances.
And I gotta do it all over again tomorrow….
Do Drop Inn
This is my house.
Her name is Bertha.
I live in this house.
I drive this house around the United States and Canada.
I drive on average 550-700 miles a day, 2200-3500 miles a week, 10-14,000 miles a month, 40-50,000 miles a year.
Plus or minus.
I make .40 a mile = About $60 – $70,000 dollars a year which comes to about $12.83 after taxes.
This is me in my office/writer’s nook 10 minutes ago….
Handsome fella….
This is my High-Tech gear that feeds me load info, directions and my voyages to the Land of WordPressia….
Where all my friends live.
The next set of pix is of my seat organizer that holds all of my dope. RuRu, Cullman and Guy ride shotgun there.
I forgot about the Cheetos….
I love Cheetos….
This is my cupboard…
[Note] I’m out of mustard….
This is my closet that holds my Chia Seed Stash….No…I know it looks like pot and I have Cheetos in the truck, but it’s not Marijuana.
I’m paranoid enough….
I know it looks a little messy, but…you can kiss my butt.
This is my messy bed space….
I know it looks a little tossed, but I was trying to find my phone again. Yes, I checked the refrigerator.
Once again….kiss my butt.
This is also my storage area, top bunk space.
It smells like dirty clothes for some reason. My guitar is up there somewhere….
Okay, now you know me a little better.
I feel assured that you are aware that clutter is an indication of an organized and calm mind.
If that is true then I am a freaking brilliant Buddhist.
Oh, I forgot to show you my good luck charms….
My Navajo Dream Catcher and Choctaw Medicine Bag.
I can’t tell you what’s in the medicine bag. That would steal the magic…..
I think my Dream Catcher is broke….
Say Hi to Mary….
I’m not even Catholic, but I like Mrs Mary and her son’s kinda cool….for a hippie.
Here’s her son…
I hate it when he stares at me.
I also have a microwave….
An Xbox 360…Madden 2013, Black Op’s and Halo 4….
A 23″ HD Flat screen TV with built in Digital antenna….
And my newest cooking sensation!
As Seen On TV….
A NuWave cooking thingee!
This thingee is AWESOME!!
I am comfy….
Now when you read one of my posts you can picture my big handsome personage slaving away through traffic trying to think of a story to tell….
Oh, I’m glad you dropped in and went through all of my stuff, but next time….
Call first.
Oh….and kiss my butt.
I love you all!
Quick Thought
Four things you’ll never hear your wife say in a fit of passion on a Wednesday night:
“Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
Dirty Job: Another in the Lame Poem Series
Sometimes I wonder why I’m so handsome…
In a world full of plain
How can people rejoice when they wake up
And they still look the same?
How can it be that when God created me
He told the angel in charge to “Double up on his sexy”
I can’t help it when women swoon and faint
And artists beg to copy my likeness with oil and paint
It’s not my fault when I enter a room
That a hush falls across it, as if swept by a broom
I’ve gotten used to the stares and envy that dog my trail
I’ve gotten used to all the naked pics that come in the mail
It’s not my fault when I get calls late in the night
Begging me for liaisons while their husbands are locked in the closet and shake with fright
I can get a woman pregnant by just throwing my pants on her bed
I’ve made women enter an asylum when they’ve lost their head
I can’t seem to find any quiet time just for me
The needs of the many play out how it must be
I must spread my handsomeness across this great land
I must make sure I leave no woman holding out an empty hand
It’s a dirty job that’s been left up to me
To do my best to spread my sexy from sea to shining sea!
Zealot
“What the hell do you mean you’re a Mormon?!”
No one has actually said that to me, but you get the idea.
That seems to be an approach or consensus among most people about any religion that is different from their own beliefs or lack thereof.
I was a little bit apprehensive to write about religion.
One of top 3 subjects that will get people fired up and create instant expert analysis.
Other than religion, the subjects to avoid are politics and homosexuality. Any of these topics WILL ALWAYS raise opinions, ire or homicidal mania that instigates religious fervor and zealotry.
I do not wave my Mormon flag wherever I go.
I am a terrible representative of the LDS religion.
I will never be the poster child of my “chosen” church.
I am loud, obnoxious, an alcoholic, full of shit, I occasionally say dirty words, I don’t follow our Word of Wisdom to the letter, I hardly ever go to church (mostly because I’m a truck driver) and I don’t pray every day.
But it’s the church that I belong to.
I joined it of my own free will.
I was baptized into my chosen church in 1984.
The LDS Article of Faith #11 basically states “Let us worship our way and we’ll let you worship your way”
I swear it’s true…the phrasing I mean.
I have fought, battled, had highs and lows and generally done everything imaginable that could possibly convince me that I didn’t need a church.
For 29 years I have see-sawed between non-compliance and saint-hood.
But, I will tell you now…my struggles with my faith…my struggles with my church’s doctrine…..through it all…I will tell you that the ONLY reason I am alive today is because of my belief in my church.
It was MY CHOICE.
Then why do people, from any religion, disdain people who are not of their particular faith or belief structure?
“I think I’ll have the shrimp” says one man.
“No…that is a crawfish” says another man.
“Well, it looks like a shrimp” says the one man
“Yes, I know they look alike, but there is only one true shrimp” says the other man.
“How can you tell, they are covered in different spices and sauces and are presented in varying techniques?” says the one man
“A shrimp is a shrimp” replies the other man.
What got me thinking about this subject matter was a billboard sign that I seen in Indiana somewhere. If I remember right it said “Life without Religion.com”
The sign did not offend me. But it did make me think to myself “Hmmph! I couldn’t live without religion”
Then I thought with growing perplexity, that I wouldn’t even KNOW HOW to live without religion. I really can’t even imagine it. Honestly as I’m writing this, I don’t want to live without religion.
Faith has nothing to do with it. Faith has all kinds of applications.
My faith rises and ebbs like a choppy sea, that’s just how I am. I am not a blind follower. I do not have the faith to be a Mormon suicide bomber.
But I keep trying to better myself.
Faith without works is dead, goes the mantra.
My understanding of this is that faith has to be worked at to be true faith, whatever the application.
There is no time limit and there is no due date on faith.
There is always faith…sometimes high….sometimes low.
But like hope, there is always faith in something.
For all I know, we keep working on it even after we go to the great blogosphere in the sky.
So why do people judge one another on their religious beliefs?
It is the ultimate hypocrisy.
Every religion that I have read about, and trust me, I have read about many in my own search for truth and meaning to it all, is that ALL religions have a few constants.
No murder.
No Blasphemy.
Charity.
Protection of the poor.
Tolerance.
Simple…and easy to understand.
At least you’d like to think so….
Here is one of the greatest quotes I have ever read, and keep in my heart of hearts:
**I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It’s just that the translations have gone wrong.
Translation is a man-made thing.
We have created intolerance, indifference, extremism, and hate based on translations.
We’ve created murder, covetesnous, and racism justified by translations.
We are the masters of our own creations while being the victims of our own creations.
We are tantamount to a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type existence.
Think about that for a second.
We are ignorant to the one fact that we can, in no way possible, understand what is impossible to understand.
We refuse to accept the fact that not everything is possible to comprehend and/or explain.
Consider Cricket….
Consider Australia…
Consider the stars…
Consider the Lily’s of the field…
Consider corduroy pants…
Whoever is following my blog, reading this post…I don’t care if you’re Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Holy Roller, Jehovah’s Witness, Snake worshipper, Buddhists, Kama Sutra, or Atheists.
I accept everyone’s beliefs as a personal thing.
Too each his own.
Just grant others the same opportunity.
If it does not cause harm to others…what’s the harm?
Their own individual, personal connection to a belief AND a faith is what MAKES THEM HAPPY.
The God of my own understanding has granted me FREE WILL.
I think that it is one of the greatest and darkest gifts to be given to mankind.
Free Will and Faith….
Apply both without prejudice
Accept both without prejudice.
Respect others rights to them.
As the man said, according to one translation I BELIEVE is correct…
“Love one another”
What could be wrong with that…?
